Welcome back to Gothic Charm School! The Lady of the Manners appreciates you returning to her, and especially appreciates all of you who have sent her messages over the past few years wishing her well during the hiatus of this site.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What dragged the Lady of the Manners out of her extended nap? Ohhhh, just the news article that crossed her feed about a school in Texas deciding to ban black clothing, citing \u201cmental health concerns\u201d.\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n :: a brief pause while the Lady of the Manners has a sip of tea to fortify herself ::<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The Lady of the Manners frequently talks about goth nostalgia. Yes, everything returns, even in subcultures. The Lady of the Manners is all for the resurgence and remixing of goth music, art, and fashion, even if she occasionally needs younger folks to explain what the latest microtrend name means. (90s romantigoth by way of Pier One and tiny import shops full of gauzy scarves is now whimsigoth? A new keyword for the Lady of the Manners to search with!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Where she draws the line, however, is when the hurtful and, quite frankly, stupid misunderstandings and misinterpretations of the past are resurrected. You would think, considering how long the goth subculture has been undead and thriving, parents and schools these days wouldn\u2019t be concerned when their children decide to explore goth. And yet. (The Lady of the Manners is especially frustrated with the parents who are younger than her and latch onto this ridiculous bias, but that\u2019s a somewhat separate rant.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n While the Lady of the Manners isn\u2019t a fan of school dress codes, she understands the intentions behind the idea; level the field of sartorial differences during school to reduce bullying. Does the Lady of the Manners think that works? No, because people who are bullies will find any reason \u2014 or invent reasons \u2014 to torment others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Charles Middle School in El Paso, Texas, decided to make an adjustment to their dress code that specifically banned all-black clothing. \u201cNick DeSantis, the school principal, announced the decision ahead of the school year. In a letter, the school mentioned prohibiting all-black attire due to its association \u2018with depression and mental health issues and\/or criminality\u2019.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n :: another brief pause while the Lady of the Manners stares bleakly into the void. You are welcome to join her ::<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Really? REALLY?!<\/strong> While the Lady of the Manners knows that many states in the USA are alarmingly moving backwards in terms of people\u2019s bodily autonomy and choices, she somehow, possibly foolishly, didn\u2019t expect to see a resurgence of this sort of nonsense. So let\u2019s make it very clear, and the younger goths reading this should feel free, if needed, to make their parents read this as often as necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Goth, and wearing all black, does not indicate or lead to mental health issues or criminal behavior. IT DOESN\u2019T.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n We may all laugh about \u201cI wear all black to match my soul (or heart)\u201d, but we laugh because it\u2019s a joke. It\u2019s about acknowledging that the world can be a terrifying and sad place and facing and\/or coping with that on our own terms. Dark things won\u2019t stop existing just because people don\u2019t want to acknowledge them. Neither will strong emotions. Goth arose from some intertwined, entangled things: music that often explored the ideas of death, horror, and decadence; an acknowledgement that melancholy and darkness are part of everyone\u2019s lives; and an exploration of what beauty and catharsis can be found in the darkness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As for the notion that goth encourages self-harm: not only is that horrifically and offensively wrong, but also an accusation that has been thrown at every subculture that has ever existed. For many who feel different, overwhelmed, and isolated the goth subculture helps by showing them they aren\u2019t alone. That there are others who feel the same, and who strive to express and cope with those feelings through music, art, and self-expression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thankfully, El Paso community members spoke up and pushed back against this misguided policy. Some from the point of view that the Lady of the Manners and other goths hold, questioning how the color of clothes impacts the children\u2019s emotional well-being. \u201cMaking students wear a different color isn\u2019t going to magically make them a completely different person,\u201d said Alexis Contreras.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Other parents complained about this being communicated so close to the beginning of the school year. Fabiola Flores, who had already done school shopping, wished that parents had been asked about the change before it was implemented. “We already bought the black pants, so we have to buy again, the pants. They should ask, they do like a \u2018hey what do you think?\u2019 like \u2018we\u2019re thinking about it\u2019\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thankfully, the school district got involved and overturned the change to the dress code policy: “Unfortunately, the campus prematurely communicated the dress code change as a final decision rather than a recommendation. We regret the miscommunication, particularly the intent behind the changes” GOOD. <\/p>\n\n\n\n All of this, of course, reminded the Lady of the Manners of these sorts of misguided moral panics of decades past. The idea that role-playing games and heavy metal lead to Satanism, self-harm, or murder. Or the infamous PMRC (Parents Music Resource Center), which was an American committee formed with the stated goal of increasing parental control over the access of children to music deemed to have violent, drug-related, or sexual themes via labeling albums with Parental Advisory stickers. And of course, the Lady of the Manners\u2019 personal \u201cfavorite\u201d, the Twinkie Defense. (While the term itself was invented by reporters and wasn\u2019t actually used by the lawyers in the trial of Dan White for the murder of San Francisco city Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, White\u2019s lawyers did argue that his depression, a symptom of which was an increased consumption of junk food, led to a \u201cdiminished capacity\u201d which led to murder.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway, those long digressions all lead to the same point: subcultures, music, art, fiction, or other media are a way of finding community and catharsis, not a dark path that leads to depression, harm, and depravity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So for the younger readers (hi baby bats!) who are facing parental concerns over their exploration and adoption of goth, here are some suggestions of how to have The Goth Talk with your parents:<\/p>\n\n\n\n What do you do if your reasoned explanations about goth and why it\u2019s not harmful or something to worry about fall upon deaf ears and your parents don\u2019t agree with you? Well, you may have to wait a few years to fully become the gothy creature you long to be; understand that you will able to sneak in the music, the books, and the general ideas of goth into your life, but that you may not be able to completely express yourself in the way you want. Yes, that\u2019s a frustrating idea. If you feel so strongly about it that you are willing to deal with arguments and recriminations from your disapproving parents, the Lady of the Manners wishes you luck and emotional resiliency. She just wants to remind you that your gothness is also not determined by how much you rebel against your parents\u2019 wishes, and that sometimes adopting a veneer of \u201cnormalcy\u201d is worth it to keep the peace at home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Every time the Lady of the Manners reads about parents behaving this way she wants to shake them and calmly and loudly explain that their children are not clones of them; they are their own selves with their own interests and tastes. Lambasting them with cruelty for being different isn\u2019t going to change the way they are; it\u2019s going to make them withdraw from you and leave lasting emotional scars. Why<\/strong> would you want to do that to your child? <\/p>\n\n\n\n The same goes for people with institutional power, such as school boards, teachers, and hell, even employers. Being different from \u201cthe norm\u201d in any way \u2014 be it subcultural affiliation, gender, sexuality, neurodivergence \u2014 doesn\u2019t mean that person is dangerous or incompetent, and the Lady of the Manners is furious that these beliefs are still so damn prevalent. The people who feel this way may feel that they\u2019re being \u201ccruel to be kind\u201d to get you to change into a person who will be safe from bullying and discrimination. They\u2019re terribly misguided and wrong, but they may feel that they\u2019re trying to protect you or \u201cmake you better\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What can you do if you end up in one of these difficult (and stupid) discussions? Tell the person you\u2019re talking to, in as calm and dignified a manner as you possibly can, that you don\u2019t agree with what they\u2019re saying and (if at all possible) walk away from the \u201cconversation\u201d. Go to another room, go for a walk around the block, but make it clear you will not stay there and be insulted or talked down to. If it\u2019s not possible to walk away and end the conversation, do everything you can to stay calm and keep repeating \u201cI don\u2019t agree with you.\u201d Avoid getting into an argument if you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do what you can to find friends and communities that support you, and that will make you feel less alone. If you decide to seek out other goths online, please remember basic internet safety: don\u2019t give out personal information such as your name, phone number, address, school, etc.; always verify information you see online instead of immediately believing it; be polite and don\u2019t bully people; and if something or someone makes you uncomfortable, go to a trusted adult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For the younger readers, keep reminding yourself that you will eventually get to be the person you want to be. For everyone, regardless of age, who is reading this: goth is personal. Goth is a wide range of music, fashion, and all sorts of art, and you can pick and choose what you want and what will best fit your life. No one, and the Lady of the Manners means NO ONE, is a perfect spooky creature of darkness in a glorious spooky environment 100% of the time. No matter what someone\u2019s carefully curated social media may imply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now it\u2019s time to open the comments! Do you have helpful suggestions? Words of encouragement? Stories of how you faced similar things? Discuss! Just remember that the Lady of the Manners moderates the comments very closely, and bullying or rude behavior will not be tolerated. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You would think, considering how long the goth subculture has been undead and thriving, parents and schools these days wouldn\u2019t be concerned when their children decide to explore goth. And yet. Continue reading \n
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