Content warnings before you read this post: it discusses abusive and predatory behavior, manipulation, and issues of consent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gather \u2018round, Snarklings, it\u2019s time to discuss a serious topic: predators and creeps in the goth subculture. The Lady of the Manners should have addressed this topic long before now – because it\u2019s never gone away. But things have also gotten worse because DMs on assorted social media platforms means there are even more ways for predators to take advantage of people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some context for what the Lady of the Manners is talking about, from the ever-helpful Wikipedia<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe <\/em>missing stair<\/em><\/strong> is a metaphor for a person within a social group or organization who many people know is untrustworthy or otherwise has to be “managed”, but around whom the group chooses to work by discreetly warning newcomers of their behavior, rather than address the person and their behavior openly. The “missing stair” in the metaphor refers to a dangerous structural fault, such as a missing step in a staircase; a fault that people may become used to and quietly accepting of, that is not openly signposted or fixed, and that newcomers to a group or organization are warned about discreetly.<\/em>“<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n The phrase was coined by blogger Cliff Jerrison in a 2012 post on The Pervocracy<\/em>, a blog about BDSM and kink. Describing a man in his social circle known to be a rapist, Pervocracy wrote:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cPeople had gotten so used to working around this guy, to accommodating his “special requirements,” that they didn’t feel like there was an urgent problem in their community. They did eventually expel him, but it was after months of it being widely shared knowledge that he was a rapist. […] I think there were some people in the community who were intentionally protecting him, but there were more who were de facto protecting him by treating him like a missing stair. Like something you’re so used to working around, you never stop to ask “what if we actually fixed this?” Eventually you take it for granted that working around this guy is just a fact of life, and if he hurts someone, that’s the fault of whoever didn’t apply the workarounds correctly.\u201d<\/sup><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n As much as the Lady of the Manners and other goths wish it wasn\u2019t so, our subculture has a problem with people who are missing stairs. It\u2019s certainly not just our subculture, but when other goths occasionally act like the call isn’t coming from inside our house, the Lady of the Manners gets very frustrated and angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep in mind that not all creepy or predatory behavior is illegal, which means that the only way to deal with it socially, be it whisper networks or people finally freezing the person out of the scene.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The most important thing: listen to your instincts. If someone makes you uneasy or feel unsafe, if you think someone is trying to push your boundaries in ways you feel uncomfortable with, don\u2019t engage with them. You don\u2019t have to give an explanation, don\u2019t worry about hurting their feelings or that everyone else seems okay with them, just end contact with them and do what you can to avoid them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Lady of the Manners knows this can be difficult, especially for those who dislike confrontation or whose reactions to behavior that makes them uneasy fall under the freeze or fawn categories instead of fight. But your boundaries are yours to protect – never feel bad about doing so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While there will be creepers who are blatantly obvious, who are someone everyone knows about and does their best to ignore and sometimes freeze out of the scene, sadly those extremely visible types are not the common ones. Instead there will be the creeps who are considered okay. \u201cOh, they\u2019re really nice, they\u2019re just really flirty<\/em>\u201d. \u201cOh, they treat everyone like that, it\u2019s no big deal<\/em>\u201d. \u201cIt\u2019s just a hug, why are you acting like that?<\/em>\u201d. \u201cThose DMs were just jokes – stop overreacting<\/em>\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, but not always, these people have some sort of status in the goth scene that gives them a weird form of immunity; they\u2019re in a band, they\u2019re a promoter, they\u2019re a DJ, they\u2019ve been around in the scene since the dawn of time. Because everyone else seems fine with them, you may feel like you\u2019re overreacting. Everyone else being fine with them shouldn\u2019t mean a damn thing to you; if that person\u2019s behavior makes you uncomfortable, stay away from them. If they try to interact with you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, tell them \u201cNo<\/em>\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t send me messages<\/em>\u201d, \u201cThat\u2019s not funny<\/em>\u201d, or \u201cDon\u2019t touch me<\/em>\u201d, and then do everything you can to avoid them without depriving yourself of the subculture and community. There have been times that the Lady of the Manners has avoided attending events or going to goth clubs because of people she was uncomfortable around. That eventually changed to the Lady of the Manners going to those things with people she felt safe with, people she knew who would help her successfully avoid the people she wanted to avoid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes the person to avoid isn\u2019t generally known as someone to be avoided; they\u2019re the sort that have the \u201cOh, they treat everyone like that, it\u2019s no big deal<\/em>\u201d reputation. And you may be fine with their behavior at first! It\u2019s only as boundaries are pushed that you start to suspect things aren\u2019t okay, and even then you don\u2019t want to cause drama. The Lady of the Manners understands this all too well. But again, listen to your instincts, and know that you are absolutely allowed to change your mind about what people and behaviors you\u2019re okay with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whisper networks: every local goth scene, even online goth scenes, has a whisper network. There are always the goth aunties and uncles who will take someone aside to say, \u201cThat person who is cozying up to you or paying a lot of attention to you? Keep them at a distance<\/em>\u201d. The people warning you may not explain why or at the most vaguely allude to \u201csketchy behavior<\/em>\u201d. It\u2019s up to you if you want to press for more details or to start asking around for information. Sometimes being very informed is a good thing, but sometimes that information, in addition to being upsetting, will disillusion you with the community and\/or the people still associating with the creep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why isn\u2019t the whisper network a shouting network? Because the person being whispered about has friends who will argue with what that network is saying and try to undermine them with familiar \u201cOh, those people are just trying to start drama<\/em>\u201d comments. Because the people who are warning you may not have as much status or clout as who they\u2019re talking about. Because it\u2019s only a small group of people who have had negative experiences with that person, and others think they\u2019re overreacting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But sometimes those whisper networks stop whispering and can change the perception of the creep in question. Enough people start comparing notes and seeing the patterns of their behavior, and then more people speak up. With luck, the creep is eventually ostracized, and if they\u2019re brought up, their predatory behavior is one of the first things mentioned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Lady of the Manners fervently hopes that the need for whisper networks fades, and that predatory or creepy people are immediately identified, called out, and ostracized. The Lady of the Manners is also enough of a realist to know that\u2019s not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. So let her repeat: trust your instincts<\/strong>, and if you feel safe enough, be part of the whisper network in order to help others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Okay, Snarklings, the comments are open. Be respectful and kind to each other.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Content warnings before you read this post: it discusses abusive and predatory behavior, manipulation, and issues of consent.\u00a0<\/p>\n Gather \u2018round, Snarklings, it\u2019s time to discuss a serious topic: predators and creeps in the goth subculture. 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