Hello Snarklings! The first lesson at Gothic Charm School for 2011 is going to be about a very serious topic, one, sadly, that the Lady of the Manners has been receiving a distressing number of letters about: bullying. Here, read a small sample of the letters arriving seemingly daily in the Gothic Charm School mailbox:
From Addy Rose:
question: My Lady,
I am writting this letter becuase I am…well, having bully issues. Sad, but true. 🙁 I have been part of the gothic lifestyle for about 2 years now. I am 15 and in 10th grade. And I get picked on, a lot. It hasn’t come to physical problems..but I fear that it will. Rude and threating comments are always being thrown at me in the hallways, cafeteria, classrooms, etc. At first I ignored them, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’ve even shot some remarks back at a girl bashing my black frilly high heels. (It’s not just because she did’nt like my shoes..I could care less. It’s because she’s been tormenting me for years now..I just can’t take it anymore, Lady. Please help. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Best Wishes,
Addy Rose XOXO
From Jayna:
question: Dear Lady of the manners,
I was fully aware that when I became goth I would atract unwanted attteion but I became goth anyway but the harassment has gotten worse. So much. That it has become psyical. I did what you said. I turned to the teachers, but they did not do anything at all.
Thank you for reading this,
Jayna
From Bunni:
My other problem is a girl who actually is physically hurting me, for wearing “weird” clothes. When I was wearing a neon green and black, knee length skirt and black corset/vest a week ago, she took my binders from my hands and threw them in the air, and then pushed me down the stairs. I actually shed blood from my knees. How do I avoid her? By the way, I told an authority at school, but they didn’t believe me, because that girl is a little miss goody-two-shoes/teacher’s pet, who has the school staff wrapped around her little finger.
I’m so stuck. 🙁
Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners wishes she could give each and every one of you a hug, and then visit your schools and tell your tormentors to STOP. The Lady of the Manners has no idea if that would actually help, but that’s her immediate reaction to letters about bullying. Since she can’t do that, she’s going write about it and hope that helps.
Thing The First: No one, and the Lady of the Manners does mean no one, deserves to be bullied. It doesn’t matter what someone looks like, what religion they are, their sexual orientation, their gender, where they live, what books they read, what music they listen to ”¦ there is no reason for bullying. Ever. If you are being bullied and someone says things like “Well, that’s just how so-and-so is”, “You just have to accept it”, or “What did you expect, you look weird or different”, that person is wrong. In the experience of the Lady of the Manners, bullying, at its core, has nothing to do with the target, but is about the bully trying to make themselves feel like they have power over something. Does that make it excusable? No, never. But if you are being bullied, please, please, please try to remember that the bullying is not an accurate reflection of your worth. Cling to that idea, and don’t let the bullies rob you of your hope, your self-confidence, or your future.
Thing The Second: If you’re being bullied, what should you do? TELL SOMEONE. Find a sympathetic teacher, tell your parents or the parents of one of your friends, tell the guidance counsellor, but tell someone. Do not suffer in silence. Because the bullies are in the wrong, not you, and their actions need to be exposed. (If the adult you talk to responds with comments along the lines of the “What did you expect ”¦?” nonsense the Lady of the Manners mentioned in Thing The First, tell them that bullying is harassment and discrimination and that no one deserves it. Show them this article if you think it will help.) But do talk to an adult about the bullying, and try to enlist their aid in getting it to stop. Sadly, they may not be able to, or the reaction may be a Very Special Assembly or Meeting about how Bullying Is Not Tolerated (and we all know how effective those sorts of assemblies are, which is to say not very). But you still need to tell someone, because one of the things bullies count on is that no one will call them on their actions. Which leads to ”¦
Thing The Third: Reactions. Bullies want to make you upset. They are trying to hurt you, and want to see that sort of reaction so they can torment you even more. Which is why the usual advice about bullying is to ignore them, to not give them the response they’re looking for. The Lady of the Manners agrees with that advice, up to a point. The most important thing to remember is (as the Lady of the Manners said in Thing The First) you don’t deserve any of what the bullies are doing to you. So do your best not to get upset, lose your temper, or give the bullies a show. However, if you can manage it, comment on what they’re doing, in as calm a manner as possible. The Lady of the Manners realizes that doing this will be extremely difficult in many circumstances, because getting upset about being bullied and picked on is a completely reasonable reaction, and holding that reaction in is hard to do. But your goal is to make them understand that bullying you isn’t going to get the response they’re looking for, and getting angry and upset won’t do that.
If you don’t think you can pull off reacting calmly toward the bullies, then do your best to ignore them. As the Lady of the Manners said, they want to make you upset, they want a reaction. Do your very utmost not to give them what they want.
Thing The Fourth: Violence. Sometimes (and oh, how the Lady of the Manners wishes it was a rare exception), bullying becomes physically violent. Which is assault, Snarklings. No matter how “mild” it may seem. Pushing, hair-pulling, knocking books out of someone’s arms? That is all assault, and is not to be tolerated. If someone assaults you, go to an authority figure (multiple authority figures, if you have to), and report the incident as calmly and seriously as possible. If you are met with any sort of “Oh, you’re overreacting” response, repeat that what has happened is assault, and must be taken seriously. You may even need to go as far as reporting the assault to the police and pressing charges.
The Lady of the Manners is loath to advocate retaliatory violence toward the bullies. Partially because she doesn’t think it will actually help anything, but mostly because the chances of you getting hurt and blamed for the incident are high. But! If you are in physical danger, defend yourself. Do what you need to in order to get out of the situation, and go to someplace, anyplace, where there are people around, preferably adults and/or authority figures.
Which brings the Lady of the Manners to the thing she feels the most strongly about in all of this: it is everyone’s responsibility to help stop bullying. If people band together and call bullies out on what they’re doing, if people make it clear that bullying is not something to be tolerated and accepted, then it can be stopped. If you see someone being picked on or bullied, say something. Tell the aggressor to stop it, and get other people to help shame the bully into changing their ways. Yes, the Lady of the Manners said shame, because if you are bullying someone, you should be ashamed of what you’re doing.
So speak up. Say something, even if the person being bullied is someone you don’t like or don’t know. Again, no one deserves to be bullied. Ever.
For this particular post, the Lady of the Manners is going to do a very rare thing: she’s going to leave it open for moderated comments. If you have advice on how to deal with bullies, or if you want to share your experiences and tell people that it does, indeed, get better, please do!
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Just a note, Snarklings: The Lady of the Manners WILL be policing comments left here.
Oh Dear! That sounds dreadful! However, at my school(a middle school) I told the teachers about the: nasty notes in my locker, the taunting, and the harassment. They stopped it and… the bullys were expelled. (My school is zero tolerance) They need to tell an adult they trust (corney sounding but oh so true)
Peace out!
-Le Bleu
I was bullied all through school. Unfortunately, I was one of those children that moved around a lot and, as a result, was rather shy and quiet, which seems to attract bully-type people. It wasn’t until seventh and eighth grade that I stayed in one school long enough for it to become something rather personal.
There was this girl named Lacey. She was the type of person that made it her goal in life to be perfect: she wore expensive, designer clothing, captained the girl’s volleyball team, and was the top of every class. And then I came to school.
I don’t mean to brag, but I rather excelled at English in school. I lived and breathed for reading and writing and I wrote considerably better than Lacey, who hated me for getting the highest grade in class.
Lacey tormented me relentlessly for the better part of three years. Things came to a head when we were studying Edgar Allen Poe in eighth grade. Were were assigned a paper for English about fear and I wrote about my dire fear of worms (which, yes, I am aware is a very silly phobia to have). Our teacher decided to read my paper a loud and, later that day, Lacey threw a handful of worms at me.
I had a complete panic attack, severe enough that I had to be taken to the hospital. My mother took me school and I never saw Lacey again.
When I look back on the experience now, I feel bad for her. It must be hard, trying for perfection all the time.
If you are being bullied and the situation is becoming dangerous, try talking to your parents about changing schools. If you can, try to stick near your friends; a bully will usually avoid a group.
hi everyone 😀
I have only been a goth for a couple of months, not very long. But I however, never fitted in really at school so I have experianced quite a load of bullying. And this is how i have made ways of dealing with it.
Ignore them, defiantly ignore them. Like the great Lady of the Manners said do not give them a show. No matter what they are saying, no matter what they are doing, treat them like they are not there. Bullies hate not getting showed attention. And what ever you do, do not attack them. I’ve made that mistake quite a few times 🙁 Because the thing is if you hit them first, basically they can you get in trouble with teachers/members of staff. If they make comments on your clothing just say, “that’s your opinion” Don’t let them feel about your clothing, if you like it, then you have every right to wear it. I remember wearing my beautiful boots to school for first time. Loads of people made rather negative comments, but I carried on wearing because I liked them and slowly the negative comments stopped. Another thing I reccomend id you stay with your friends.Just laugh and talk with your mates and basically carry on how you would do normally. Do not be afraid of bullies, (even though I understand how frightening it can be) but in the end bullies are just pathetic, sad people, who are proabally just jealous of you. And the most important thing, don’t ever believe what the bully says, they want you to feel sad, depressed and alone. DO NOT let them ruin your life. Be proud of who you are, your unique and no one could ever replace you. You are all amazing just the way you are, and don’t ever let anyone tell you different, and don’t think that your not special. Because thats just wrong. You have just the same ammount of rights as anyone else does.
okay i’ve blabbed on enough LOL
Bye now my fellow baby bats, elder goths, and to also The Lady of the Manners xx
All my love
Medusa Skeletana xx
I am terribly sorry for everyone who is being bullied, it’s an absolutely awful thing to go through. The bullying I’ve experienced has always been extremely mild, so the only advice I can give is to not let it affect you. Do not change who you are, and stay strong when facing your bullies. If bullying ever becomes physic and teachers or other officials are ignoring it, go to the police. Please do not let others allow it to continue. As the Lady of the Manners said, you are being assaulted, and that CANNOT be tolerated.
Good luck to all, my prayers are with you.
As a former high school teacher and future school librarian, I just want to reiterate the Lady of Manners’s point that you should talk to multiple adults if you need to do so. If the first one you talk to doesn’t listen, find another one. If you need to, seek out an administrator or a guidance counselor. These people may be more comfortable/better trained in dealing with bullies than your average classroom teacher. Don’t give up after one adult dismisses you. Just because one does, that doesn’t mean we all will.
*BIG HUGS* to everyone stuck in high school/middle school hell.
For those of you who aren’t aware of the It Gets Better Project, go check it out! It’s aimed at LGBQT youth, but I found the message also applies to subcultural kids. It can be found here: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/
Go talk to adults. Tell your parents, tell your teachers, tell your counsellors, tell the administration. If one person doesn’t listen, tell someone else. Raise a stink until someone, anyone listens.
And it does get better.
<3 Bambi
Another point that no one has mentioned yet – if you’re getting threatening notes or having your belongings damaged, keep a record of it. If you get a nasty letter, take a picture of it or scan it, THEN show it to a teacher/counselor/principal. If someone trashes your locker, take pictures or a video with your phone, THEN go get an adult and show them what was done. If you attend a school run by willingly blind administrators, you might need to build up a case for yourself over months or a year, and you can’t trust those same administrators to remember how badly you’ve been treated or, worst case, try to downplay it or cover it up.
I hope I don’t sound paranoid, but with as much news coverage and police attention as bullying has been getting lately, it can’t hurt to be prepared.
Wow! First, I have to say that the bullying sucks. Second, I have to refer, unfortunately, to human nature. It is only natural (but certainly not desirable) that human beings are going to look with suspicion, even fear, and often hatred, at anything different from their own social normality. This goes all of the way back to when we were living in caves, slaughtering rival tribes, and anyone different from one’s own kin WERE a real threat. Now, I believe, this is an unfortunate throwback that will remain with us.
That said, I tend to understand that in having an appearance that differs from that of most, that it will attract unpleasant responses from some people. It’s even worse among younger folks, who have not yet learned important life lessons (although it would be wrong to say that this kind of stuff doesn’t happen among adults). Personally, and please understand that I am *NOT* advocating the use of violence, save to protect one’s self from such a thing, I am a huge advocate of self-defense courses. In a preferable situation, one can go to authorities to diffuse a situation, yet there are situations where those who should help will take the wrong side, and there are times where one will be in a situation whereby there is no choice but to fight.
Having a great attitude helps, but bullies will be bullies. The important thing is to keep your chin up. If you find yourself in a situation whereby teachers are telling you that it’s your fault, don’t let it get to you. Know that they’re wrong, but keep the arguing to a minimum, or better, avoid it. In those situations, you can’t win a verbal debate, but the verbal debate matters not. What matters is your own assessment of yourself, and you know that their judgement is also biased. Further, what the bullies want more than anything is to tear you down. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Again, I cannot reiterate this enough: I am an advocate of self-defense, but I am ***NOT*** saying that you need to start fights or do anything more drastic than that! If your situation becomes violent, defend yourself, but control yourself. As soon as immediately possible, get authorities involved. If you have reasons not to trust school authorities, great! Go over their heads. Go straight to your own family and to the police.
On bullying, itself, I’m rather opinionated, but that’s another matter all together. What’s important, regardless, is that you don’t let the troglodytes make you uncomfortable in your own skin. Keep your chin up, revel in what you enjoy, and even if they’re getting to you, don’t give them the satisfaction. Control yourself, because you’re being judged, not only by the bullies, but also by others who don’t understand Goths and who believe that Goth is a very negative, and indeed dangerous thing. It’s those very people that you want on your side, and that’s only going to happen if you can be the better person. Remember always that you are no less deserving of respect than anyone else.
Thank you so much for this post.
I was bullied for being goth at my old school. My school was a Catholic one, so they believed I was ‘of Satan.’
I was constantly insulted, beaten up, and was once stabbed. I was kicked out of that school, they said ‘I incited it.’
My new school is amazing. Although there are no other goths, I am treated just fine.
I agree, you do need to tell as many people as you can, including the police.
If you are being bullied for being goth, it is not your fault. Someday it will get better. <3
There isn’t much else to say but to repeat the excellent advice the Lady of the Manners & others have said:
1) Tell an adult & keep trying different adults until someone believes & supports you. Some school districts have official policies listed online, so do your homework (heh) & find out if there are any mentions of bullying, assault, student safety, respectful learning environment, etc. Use this info to politely remind teachers/administrators that you have a right to a safe place too.
2) Try not to give the bully a reaction (this takes practice! I know, I have a short temper & a tendency to burst into tears myself, but building up a thick skin for those who torment you is valuable). Firm, even, cold responses, if any, are sufficient.
3) Avoid situations & places where the bully may be if possible. The buddy system helps, if you have even just one friend you can walk around campus with, get to your locker, etc., that is crucial. Two is stronger than one.
4) Keep your eyes on the prize! School doesn’t last forever. Focus on your work & your future. The rest of the world can be more accepting or at least less like a fishbowl. Build a productive, creative, fun, interesting life outside of school too 🙂
I read a book about bullying once that I think would help a lot of people. It’s a non-fiction book where an amazingly successful adult woman talks about the struggle with bullies she had in high school, and how it still affects her after all these years. [It isn’t based on being Goth, but more about just being different in general.] It’s called “Please Stop Laughing At Me…” by Jodee Blanco.
[I somehow avoided being bullied in school, but had more trouble with family members not understanding me.]
Unfortunately, when you attend a public school and dress in a certain manner you do get categorized and oftentimes dismissed by authority figures as being over-dramatic or attention-seeking. This is NOT OKAY.
I am almost 28 years old, and when I was in my first years of high school, the Columbine shootings took place. I went to a school in Seagoville TX, and on the anniversary of the Columbine shootings a number of us were sent home with unexcused absences for wearing black. When I was in high school my entire wardrobe was black. I wore Doc Martens, dark jeans, and black band t-shirts to school daily, and had since middle school. On this day it was arbitrarily decided that a number of us were in league with Satan, witches, the “Trench Coat Mafia” (I have never owned a trench coat) and that we would all have to sign a piece of paper agreeing that we had done something wrong and we were sent home after being held in a room for about an hour or two.
The school never issued apologies to the parents, there was talk about the news being called, my mother went to the school and took photos of every single student that had been allowed to remain for the day that were wearing black, and also every teacher that had black clothing on, but nothing ever came about or was done about this.
Now that I am an adult I know that there is a chain-of-command and a proper way of handling things.
If you tell a teacher and they dismiss your problem, go to another teacher. Tell as many teachers as you can, and tell your counselor. Set up a meeting with your principal and talk to him about your concerns. You might research your school’s policy on bullying and ask for a copy of your student handbook if you don’t have one. If you have to photocopy the pages in the handbook outlining the policy on bullying/harassment and refresh some memories, then by all means…DO SO!
Call your local police departments non-emergency number and ask to speak to an officer. Inquire politely as to what are the grounds for filing charges for assault (verbal or physical) and take notes so that you can let the school authorities know that you are prepared to involve the police if necessary.
DO NOT RETALIATE AGAINST YOUR BULLY!!
I cannot stress this enough. Any form of comeback, retaliation, revenge, or doing anything other than turning the other cheek is going to make you look worse, no matter if you are defending yourself or not. I understand all too well and can say from experience that fighting back (especially physically) isn’t going to succor any favor from adults that might be more inclined to help you (sad but true) if you don’t hit back, shout back, or do any other of the nasty little things that bullies are wont to do in order to get under your skin.
Out of all of the advice that I’ve read that has been given so far the best has been and what you need to remember the most is:
TELL AN ADULT, TELL MULTIPLE ADULTS.
AS HARD AS IT MAY BE, IGNORE THE BULLY-DO NOT LET THEM SEE HOW UPSET YOU ARE AS IT WILL FUEL THE FIRE.
KEEP RECORD OF AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, TAKE PICTURES OF GRAFFITI OR BODILY INJURIES, KEEP ALL NASTY LETTERS, KEEP TRACK OF WHO YOU REPORTED THE ABUSE TO, AND WHEN.
FIND YOUR STUDENT HANDBOOK AND FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH POLICY. DON’T DO ANYTHING YOURSELF THAT IS AGAINST SCHOOL
DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TALK TO THE POLICE. THEY ARE THERE TO HELP PROTECT YOU.
BE AS POLITE AS YOU CAN TO ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES, DON’T LET YOUR TEMPER GET THE BEST OF YOU. DON’T HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE WHEN TALKING TO THEM, JUST BE EVEN-TEMPERED AND FIRM, BUT NOT SNARKY OR RUDE.
I didn’t mean to go on a roaring rampage here, but as a victim of bullying all throughout middle and high school, plus the stares I get every day for being a tattooed, pierced, and “alternative” mom, acceptance is one of my biggest concerns. I would NEVER want my son to be treated like or to treat anyone the way that you poor babybats have been treated and I don’t think that your bullies parents would want that from their children either, it is likely that they are unaware of what their own kids are up to.
(And with all that said, please do not call anyone else names or make fun of them…if you are going around school calling kids “preps” and laughing at them or trying to be overly shocking and freak people out on purpose
My previous comment was cut off but to finish I would just like to say that it is not nice to call anyone else names or make fun of them, and if you are going around school calling kids “preps”, laughing at them, or are purposely trying to shock and freak people out at school, that is not helping anyone take your concerns seriously.
We should all be tolerant and respectful of others, no matter who they are. Diversity is part of what makes this world a wonderful and culturally rich place, but acceptance is key!
As much as I hate saying this it’s still true. SAFTEY IN NUMBERS! I hate hearing it too since my mother makes sure to say this to me often enough. This also applies when you’re out by yourself. If this isn’t helpful, then I’m sorry for even saying anything.
Self defense courses are never a bad thing, no matter who you are, whether you’re being bullied or not. A martial art like Aikido is all about leverage and I can assure you from personal experience, your size, build or fitness *do not matter* to your being able to defend yourself really *quite* well. Also, if absolutely nothing else, self defense training is a fantastic way to gain some confidence, and if there’s one thing that scares the heck out of a bully, it’s a would-be target who is confident enough to look them in the eye and calmly say, “what of it?”
I second everything Erin said about documenting the incidents as much as possible. Photos, voice recordings, videos, whatever.
Talk to your parents. Talk to a teacher, the school guidance counsellor, the principle, heck talk to *all* of them. Show them the documentation. Talk to your parents about changing schools if the school officials won’t do anything. Suggest the possibility of going to school online, even, if there aren’t other schools in your area. If there’s one thing that’s going to light a fire under a disinterested or unsympathetic school official, it’s the thought of the school losing funding thanks to the reduction in attendance. Hit them where it hurts: the wallet.
Know that bullying is a power thing. Bullys want to demonstrate that they have power over you. It helps them shore up their own shaky self esteem. Bullies are the ones who are in the wrong, *not you*.
Do what you can to not look like a victim: wear a whole hand full of big spiky rings, carry a metal coffin purse or ammo box, wear big stompy boots, look bullies straight in the eye and keep your voice as calm as possible when responding. Heck, take up drama to help you learn how to put that calm, confident persona on as a role, if need be. It can help keep you safe when a bully is thinking about crossing the line between verbal assault and physical assault.
Most of all, know this: you are not wrong, bad, ugly or a freak. You do not deserve what is being done to you.
Since about 6th grade (I’m now 20 and a sophomore in college), I’ve been the strange kid. That bothered me a lot when I was younger, but thankfully getting into the arts (band and theater) helped a lot! I found that pretending to be confident eventually made me confident — its like in The Kind and I when Anna was frightened, she’d whistle a happy song and make believe she was brave until she convinced herself, and others, she was.
I’ve found out that its usually the fine art teachers and English(sometimes Science too) teachers who seem to be the most accepting of students who are different. Make friends with them! I’m still good friends with the high school guidence counsilor and band director — have them both on speed dial! If they know you, they will defend you. Teachers are required by law to report ANY type of abuse of a student.
Wow.
Just wow.
I’d only been dimly aware of this kind of thing before reading this. I knew things happened, but I didn’t know it happened like these letters. People don’t like goths for some odd reason, but I’d never heard of anything physical happening to younger kids. It’s disgraceful.
Everyone preaches “tolerance tolerance tolerance!” but they don’t practice it when they don’t feel like it. In ways, goths are actually more honest about the world than most. And then we get punished for it, because it makes people uncomfortable. People abandon all their ideals of “tolerance” and “justice” and “respect,” all because they don’t like what someone picked out to wear that morning.
~
Great post, as always.
Hi, I just wanted to say I had a problem being bullied when I was in high school too, but after I had a few really good friends, and joined our high school’s drama club it seemed like my whole world changed. I don’t know if it was because I was surrounded by people just as “strange” to everyone else as I was or because I had the courage to perform in front of hundreds of people, which is something I can say my bullies did not have. Either way after that happened and I came into myself as person the bullying stopped. Joining an extracurricular activity can be a really good idea for anybody else, just pick one that you are really interested in and it will help you feel better being surrounded by like-minded people. Another great thing about being in a school club, it that you will almost always develop a strong relationship with the teacher in charge of it and they will always have your back, some days I don’t think I could have made it without my Drama teacher, thanks V!
When I was in High School, I was most definately “different” from the rest of my classmates in the small farming community where I grew up. I had to deal with an issue of harrasment that lead to discrimination when I was about 15.
I was still exploring Wicca at the time, and specifically working with the Tarot. I had a deck with me at school, and spent my spare time going over the cards, practicing readings on myself, etc. during study halls while other folks did homework, read Bibles, what have you. One kid decided that he was going to be funny and started scattering my cards, exclaiming some gibberish about spirits as he giggled at me. I put up a fuss, since the cards were fairly expensive for me at the time, and I didn’t want them damaged. A teacher approached, and when I explained the situation, I was told to put the cards away and not to bring them back again to school! Not exactly the solution I had hoped for.
I was furious, naturally enough, and feeling betrayed by the system. I was going to protest! The next morning I dressed in my blackest clothes, put on my long flowing cloak with deep, mysterious cowl, and prepared to… I wasn’t exactly sure, but they were gonna notice!Fortunately my mother saw me before I left. She asked me why I was dressed that way, and why I was muttering to myself.
Now, it bears noting that my mother is On My Side. So, I explained what had happened, what I’d done, the reaction I’d recieved from the teacher, and how I felt about it. She nodded, told me she completely understood, and then suggested I speak to the principal about it. “If you start with demonstrations and being reactionary, then the school is going to be reactionary too. If you work in the system, then they have no choice but to work with you. And if that doesn’t work, -then- you get reactionary.” So I put the cloak away and agreed to speak to the principal first.
I went to the principal straight away, explaining the situation and how I felt that it was unfair that the person that was bullying me got away with it, and I was being restricted in my activities. I explained that for me, the Tarot was as much a source of enlightenment as the Bibles the other kids were reading, and if they were allowed to read theirs, then so should I.
He listened to my explanation, nodded, and told me he agreed. The young man that bothered me was brought to the office and reprimanded, and given a few days of detention, which was pretty heavy punishment at the time for bullying. It was agreed that during study halls and other open study periods I would be allowed to study my Tarot deck, but that during class both my deck and other’s Bibles would be put away. I felt this was acceptable, and this rule was put into place immediately. To my knowledge, it’s still on the books in this little tiny farming school.
Why did I share this? To let you all know that you have more power than you think. You do not have to stand for bullying, harrasment, or discrimination. Sometimes the system takes a couple of tries before it works, so don’t give up if the first authority you go to brushes you off. That person has a boss; try talking to them.
The other thing is to remind you that you have someone that is On Your Side. That person may be a parent, like it is for me, or it may be a grandparent, aunt/uncle, or other family member. It may not be a relative at all. Whoever it is, that person loves you unconditionally, and accepts who you are, and who you want to be. Talk to that person. Even if they don’t have any advice for you, just knowing they hear you, and care, can help tremendously.
Hi~!
Being bullied myself in the sixth grade by three girls who were my “friends”, I know haw terrible it can make you feel. Thankfully, it never got to the point of physical violence, but it was a very sad and depressing time for me. I understand how hurtful it is to have people say such cruel things to you, and I also understand how unhelpful school authority figures can be.
Well, terrified with public school, I was homeschooled. I had been homeschooled before, but that year, I made so many new friends, and a fellow babybat such as myself. I became heavily involved in music lessons. I was happy.
The school district for my old school became capped, which meant they were no longer accepting any students. Taking advantage in the situation, even though it was the middle of the year, I became enrolled in a new school, and I truly was expecting the worst. But I was so surprised. I was going to a school with a lower population, and the people there were so friendly. I made many wonderful friends.
That summer, the district became uncapped, meaning I would have to go back to my old school. I was afraid of the prospect of going back and having to face those girls again. That summer, I received a threatening email from one of the girls friends, telling me how she would make my life a living hell if I went back to that school. She wouldn’t stop contacting me, and the school refused to do anything because it was summer, and she was “out of their responsibility.” Eventually, her parents were contacted, and the emails stopped.
In eighth grade now, I’m homeschooled again, and I’m very happy. I’m part of a homeschool groups, and see my friends regularly. I plan to get into and early college program for high school, and I’m happy. Sure, I may get the usual comment about my clothes, but having so many friends dress similarly…
I won’t ever have to see those girls again, but I blushingly admit that I’m afraid of running into them at a convenience store, or at Target or Wal Mart, or something. I don’t think I’ll ever fully forget it, but I want to let you know that it does get better.
Bullying is a scary thing, traumatizing people like that. I just want you to know that you’re not alone.
~Alice
Shannon’s Advice – Don’t give up. Don’t cry in front of anyone hurting you. (It’s what they want.) I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. I didn’t have a good friend willing to watch my back until I met Scott in high school, and he graduated two years ahead of me. Figure out who your real friends are and which adults in your school are the open-minded ones willing to help. Follow your instincts as to whom that might be. If you have a police officer in your school, use him or her as a resource if needs be. Just don’t confront the bullies in person, especially alone, and don’t cry in front of them. If someone is threatening or physically harming you or your property, you need an adult to turn to, so figure out who you can trust ahead of time. Tell your family no matter what. If the teachers and school admin don’t help, find a cop. It’s really the worst when the teachers do it themselves, turn a blind eye, or encourage it. To be quite frank, it sucks. I’ve been there. I even had a teacher who who told another child that it was OK to harm me and steal from me because I was weird by choice. Never once did I cry in front of anyone hurting me. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Just know that you’re better than them. You’re actually standing up for something you believe in, which makes you a beautiful person, no matter what.
A small piece of advice, especially for the younger baby bats, is to tone down your style a little bit. (See the Lady of Manners’ posts on corporate goths, dress code, and appeasing your parents.) I’m not suggesting giving it up by any means, just that you may wish to opt for the skull necklace pendant and a plain shirt as opposed to the giant skull shirt. You can still be dark without being quite as in-your-face. You probably won”˜t be singled out as much, which may help you if you’re new to this or starting at a new school and aren’t sure you’re ready to deal with a lot of what will probably be mostly negative attention.
Scott’s Advice – Find some people who share the same common interests as you. There is strength (and safety) in numbers. Talk to a teacher you trust, but be warned, if the teacher you trust turns a blind eye, you’re going to need to go find another teacher. If they say you’re not being beaten up and that they’re just playing, don’t listen to them – that’s bullying, and it’s just wrong.
(We are both graduated babybats in our twenties. Shannon started her interest in dark things at the end of 5th grade. (She found this column very helpful when she was a babybat herself.) Scott started in middle school and was lucky enough to have friends who did the same. We met in high school and became quite good friends and are now a couple. We still have a flair for the morbidly beautiful in our twenties.)
Hello to all
I find it rather odd that any goths would get picked on, because quite ironicly no one has spoken ill of me scince i doned my darker wardrobe. However before that year I was tormented. Yes, it was my art teacher (one with a perfectly dyed bob, lovely tattoos, and platform boots) who helped me get my self esteem back, and some black eye liner on top of it. I still go back and visit her.
To all PEOPLE (not just goths) who read this, You Are Loved.
As someone who has been bullied and assaulted repeatedly throughout grade school, and then high school, I understand what the rest of you are going through, and I completely understand being brushed off by teachers, who are supposed to help you.
If someone touches you, go to the police. I’m serious. Even if you don’t press charges, have the police pay a visit to the person or people who are harming you.
After being cornered in an alley on Halloween by a boy who had been mocking me for ages, I called the police on him. I did not press charges, I simply insisted that they pay him a visit and impress upon him that unless he, and everyone associated with him left me and my friends alone forever, I would have him arrested.
The police gave him a curfew, and forbid him from approaching me in the future.
After that, no one EVER bothered me again. There was one occasion of someone loudly complaining about ‘narcs’ and how they were scum that was clearly designed to be overheard by me, but I was never approached or touched by anyone again, for the rest of my highschool career.
Do not be afraid to contact your local authorities. That’s what they’re there for. And it wouldn’t hurt to point out to the police if you’ve reported incidents to the school and had teachers brush you off. More likely than not, they will speak with your school administrators to fix the problem.
I’m a high school science teacher. I teach in what I consider to be a diverse and accepting school (it’s not perfect, but I think it’s pretty good).
With that said, I’m sure bullying happens. I like to think that we (teachers and administration) try to prevent it, to take the edge off. We’re not perfect, we don’t see it all, and we’re sometimes not sure what to do ourselves, but we do try.
I have a suggestion to add to the ones above. When you seek out an adult to talk to (and you SHOULD do this even if you consider yourself pretty much an adult already), try to search out the odd ones. Sometimes we’re pretty obvious (when I showed off today’s outfit to the spouse tonight, he said I looked like I should be teaching vampires in 1930s India). Sometimes we can’t be that obvious because WE fear bullying by our co-workers or termination of our job, so look for the little things. But do try to find us. Whether we’re odd because we’re goth, an arty type, a life-long nerd, LGBT, WAY too into the subject we teach, or because we’re the teacher that you secretly think might just be a robot or an alien, we’ve probably been through some kind of bullying and will want to stop it happening to others.
I know it’s not always obvious, but most of us are teachers because we care about our students. We want to see you succeed and we don’t want to see you hurt.
What excellent advice! So much has already been said here by other visitors, I feel that the best thing I can offer, especially to any school age visitors, is encouragement.
I am not goth, but certainly stick out of a crowd. (I of course, love the Dear Lady’s writings.) A lifelong devotee of the arts, I seemed to always find myself on the fringes of normal. This was not without consequence, and nerd/freak labels stuck to me for all of my formative years. A handful of mean girls bullied my spirit into submission. By high school I just tried to blend into the walls.
In college I had a most marvelous realization. There were lots of people just like me! There were also lots of people nothing like me, but who thought my very nerd/freak attributes were what made me special, worthwhile, and attractive. People who felt otherwise simply were no longer worth my time. (I now realize that those bullies seemed to be themselves insecure.)
I was amazing to finally be ME so openly. I have often thought back and mused that if I could go back to high school and have the self confidence that I do now, I would rule that place. You see, being ME allowed me to be HAPPY – truly deeply happy.
It may seem like forever until you get there, but I implore, be true to yourself, have courage, and you will. It gets so much better, and I am proud to say that I am happiest when letting my freak flag fly.
I feel for every last one of you, believe me. I live in a town of 500, as I have my entire life, and I’ve been goth for many years. All though middle school, I was constantly picked on. Never amounting to anything physical, but I was tormented and threatened enough that I honestly feared for my life at one point. High school got worse before it got better. Right now, I’m in my junior year of high school, and mercifully, I have only half days there, the other half at a local college. Since everyone in school knows I can defend myself, it never got physical, but there are enough comments made that it’s still basically all I hear.
My best advice for you all is to find friends. It’s hard when you’re the town freak (*raises hand*). But I also know that when I felt so alone, that was when it was worst. Now that I’m in band and found other kindred souls, it’s much easier. I don’t know if the bullying actually decreased any, but with people who genuinely care and will defend you around, it doesn’t feel anywhere near as smothering. It’s bearable now. So don’t give up hope. It may be hard but it’ll end soon.
In addition to what Qwayla said, it bears noting that whilst *you* think it must be obvious what is happening to you, sometimes it really *isn’t* obvious to the people around you. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to go to someone and tell them *exactly* what’s happening to you. This is equally true of bullying at school as it is of abuse at home. Words have power. Use them.
Hey there, it is annoying and aggravating to be bullied. The key for me and others who would want to try this is “Indifference”. I know that sometimes this won’t work but it really disarms the source of the annoyance if they do have low self confidence. The best revenge is to live freely and without fear of what people think of you, Goth or not. If this advice works then I feel great that I was able to help future Gothlings or BabyBats.
Oh my dear, i’m o sorry you have to bullied. i am also bullied becasue of how i act/dress, but not like this, so i don’t know if this will help, but it might. whenever soemone makes a mean comment about me, i think about them doing somethingreally embarassing. like, wearing big honky braces of sleeping with a teddy bear. i makes it seem like they’re not really the ruler of the school, but someone who just isn’t confident in themselves so they pick on someone who is. again, i’m sorry 🙁 hope i helped, darlings! ~ Lady Sadie.
I have had a lot of experience with bullying. Starting from my weight when I was just 11 years old in Primary school, and in secondary school, the bullying was extended to my aesthetic, my lifestyle, my attitudes on life, my questionable sexuality, my alleged “promiscuity”, my interests and again, my weight.
After a certain point, it all stopped bothering me. I’m ok with my weight, and I knew that they didn’t know me, and were full of crap. It didn’t matter that I looked different or if they thought I slept around and was a lesbian, it didn’t matter, because I knew who I was, and nothing they threw at me had a grain of truth. I wouldn’t encourage this, as for most people they do get hurt by bullying, but being in a state of true ambivalence on the matter, I fuelled the fire. I encouraged rumours to spread, and my best friend and I even pretended like we were in a relationship for a while. It was very amusing to watch the reactions by fuelling all these horrible thoughts they had about me, simply because I knew it was all a lie. As I said, though- I don’t recommend this. If you’re upset by the bullying, this will only make things harder for you. I was being a bit of a Real-life Troll, which often backfires.
I did end up dropping out of high school, going back to high school, dropping out again and eventually finishing my high school diploma at a college-type institute only a year later than I would have, but that’s mostly because I grew past the teenage lifestyle too fast, and couldn’t handle being treated like a child. I’m in a much better place now, and probably far more successful than any of my old contemporaries.
I’m not goth, and wasn’t in high school. In fact, I strove hard to be as “normal” as possible. Still, I was bullied to the point of physical violence. I believe that bullies bully because of their own deep insecurities more than anything else. People who are different are easy targets, but most of us are different in one way or another.
I say this not to minimize what the writers here are going through, but simply to let you know that you are not alone, that this is not a goth thing, but a human thing. Unfortunately, no one has figured out any one answer for bullying, but much of the advice here is fantastic, and I encourage the discussion.
Personally, although it was cold comfort, there are two things that helped me: pity for the bully, since she truly had to be a miserable person to do and say the things that she did; and the understanding that high school can suck, but it will pass. I LOVE the It Gets Better campaign for this reason. It is so true.
Well done, not only Lady of the Manners, but the comments as well.
and there isn’t anything to add but the echo’d TELL SOMEONE, TELL MANY people…and if no one at the school helps, by all means, talk to the police. I might add that if you talk to an ‘alternative’ teacher, for Special Ed or BD in your school, you also might have a resource, as they are used to going to ‘bat’ for their students and are often very familiar with school policies when other teachers might not be.
and the last note is to echo the fact that we are all responsible for how others are treated, if you see someone else being picked on, you might be the next target, so if you are in a position to help another before you are the victim, you have saved yourself and countless others…
I was bullied from the time I started Kindergarten to the day I graduated high school. I have been shoved in puddles, been pants’d, been picked at and called all manner of names. I forgave them, but I will never forget what they did, ever. That’s too much pain and too much suffering to ever really forget.
The best advice I can give is tell someone, anyone, with any kind of authority (I was someone who almost had the audacity to call my bully’s mother, almost). And keep telling, until someone believes you and puts a stop to it. And if nothing else, hold out until college, because once you get to about that point, people are a little more mature, and just generally a different caliber of people.
To Miss. Bunni: In your case specifically, I would recommend filing charges, because her behavior is beyond unacceptable and the teachers seem to be incapable of doing something about that girl’s deplorable behavior. Does your school have a police officer on campus that you could talk to?
Totally hear you. Thank you, THANK YOU for this article. I was bullied all my life about my ethnicity (half-Korean), my weight, my sexuality, my eccentricity, and the way I dress. Looking back, I see that part of the reason why bullies do what they do may be for entertainment. They may be bored, so they pick on others for fun. People who are so wrapped up in trying to know others fail to know themselves. Bullies may have their own insecurities, but mask them by executing harmful actions. Some may do hurtful things to gain the approval of their friends.
One thing I wished I had tried back then was try martial arts. I’ve read that taking martial arts classes builds confidence and how you carry yourself. I read a story about a boy who was constantly bullied, so his mom thought it was a good idea to take him to tae-kwon-do classes. After a few weeks of that, the bullies left him alone. He never had to use his new self-defense skills, not even once, because it was all about how he carried himself. Another suggestion is to read Tongue-Fu books (just look it up). Go to your library or bookstore to check it out. It gives suggestions on how to disarm bullies, and I think it’s very good advice.
There are also bullies in the adult world, too. We deal with nasty co-workers, nightmare bosses, and gossipy peers who threaten to ruin your life if you do x-y-and-z. This can affect our jobs, and ultimately, our survival. So, we have to find ways to work around it while standing up for what we believe in. I’m in my early-mid twenties, and I am in shock of how adults can be so mean to each other. You would think they should know better.
What you do is not offensive, illegal, and you are not hurting anyone. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, has any right to touch you. If you are getting such harassment, don’t be afraid to file a restraining order if you have to. Don’t be afraid to tell the perpetrator to leave you alone. Harassment is never okay. Stand tall with your shoulders back. Look straight ahead, looking the world in the eye. Build a shield of indifference. It may be hard (it still is for me), but by doing this, there’s a greater chance that they’ll leave you alone.
Nice work on the bullying post here. I love what you’re doing and fully support it. Never be afraid to speak up for yourself.
I remember back in Freshman year of high school, I was on the wrestling team, where I was frequently physically abused by bullies just for being there. On top of that, I am a devout Wiccan (who went to a Catholic school) and Goth. The problem was that I bottled all of it up. I counted the number of punches I took, the scars I collected, and the bones that were broken.
I moved to a different high school after I told my mom what happened. Today, 10 years later, I have 83 scars from being assaulted multiple times with blades, have been assaulted sexually (at least) a dozen times, broken 13 bones in fights, and have digestive issues from all the punches to the stomach I took.
Now, I tried telling my mom at the time, but the problem was that it was misunderstood as mere verbal abuse. See, our definitions of the term “bully” were completely different. I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation, and I didn’t deserve this level of harm.
So please, if you are being bullied, tell someone exactly what’s happening instead of having your mom or dad discover when it’s too late. And remember, it gets better. I maintained my sanity (barely) through it all and now I love who I am and what I do for a living. I’m not depressed or suffering from intense PTSD. After it’s all over, you’ll see what it means when they say “It’s a brick in the wall.”
I haven’t read through all of the comments completely, but I did read through the one by PunkishMom. I second all of what she says, as it’s essentially the same thing I was working on composing in my head.
In addition to that, I want to encourage anyone being bullied *at all* to say something to someone. During my sophomore year of high school especially, I was being picked on a lot. I’d leave art class in tears nearly every day because I was being harassed by classmates. From that class, I went to PE, where another girl and a group of boys would harass me and my friends. I was always too shy to say anything (even when one of the boys came up behind me and touched me inappropriately), and I minimized it – thought that it wasn’t enough to say anything about.
If it bothers you, say something. No one has the right to make you miserable, and it doesn’t matter if they’re doing it through words or actions or both. All of them are wrong, and *something* should be done about it.
I also suggest that you gather anyone else who has been bullied by anyone bullying you and go to school officials together. It may be easier for an official to blow off one student than several upset students.
Last thing. I really want to emphasize that it’s important to keep going up the chain of command if you don’t get anywhere with your first attempt. Don’t hesitate to get the police involved if the school fails to be responsive or if the bullies are not properly discouraged by whatever the school chooses to do. You’re not just saving yourself, you’re potentially saving a number of other people and even the bully – if this behavior can be punished and stopped while they’re young, they might grow up to be better people who will be ashamed of how they acted.
Good luck. People may say that your high school years are the best years of your life, but I swear this isn’t so (and shouldn’t be so) for many people. There is so much more to enjoy once you reach adulthood. You can make it there, don’t let them make you lose hope.
Hi i just wanted to say that i totally agree with this post and that bulling is really really horrid. when i was i am 13 and in year 7 i got bullied because of the music that i lisend to and the clothes i wore and because i wasn’t one of the popular people. i just ignored it at first but after a while it got really bad and i started to try and skip school. one boy said something really racist to me so i told my parents and they told my from tutor who was really anti-bulling and she talked to him. after that he was quite nice to me so if you are being bullied then i would seriously tell even if you are scared.
Rowan
Fabulous advice, though I wish nobody ever needed it.
Be aware though, that ignoring the bullies doesn’t always work. I spent five *years* ignoring my bullies, though it never did the slightest bit of good. Then again, in my case telling people didn’t help either. I really, really hope that the advice works far better for everyone else.
I will say that it does get better. No matter how bad you feel now, no matter how much it hurts at this moment in time, it will get better, I promise. Horrible as it is to have to suffer bullies, once it is all over you will be a stronger person for having survived.
you know what kind of people the bullies like to pick up on? yes, indeed, “different” people, shy AND lonely. So my friendly advice is to make friends! Get people who understand you, who like you for who you are! It maight sound hard and sometimes you might feel like there’s no one who would take you as you are but there IS someone who would like to be friend with you. People usually think that goths are dark, morbid, cranky, mean and evil… yes, you heard me, they do think that… so what you need to do is simply be you, be funny, be sociable, share smiles and you’ll find friends! With friend comes pretty much a safe one, somewhere you KNOW that you like being, around people who understand you and will help you get away of bullying! Because now, even if you hear someone’s mean comment you won’t care because there is someone who likes you as you are! and if the bullying is phisical than you’ll have someone who will defend you… now, really guys, who do you think will pick a fight with 3-4 people at once? and if they do, than go report! you even have witneces!
So my advice: be YOU, be friendly, smile and be happy around your friends
It helped me, it really did, because of hanging around my friends, which are actually not goths but a really nice hip-hopper and a cute in-fashion (to call it that way *giggles*) boy the bullies stopped. they saw that they can’t reach me, thay saw i don’t care anymore and they saw that i’m happy!
I know what these little ones are going through, school was not my most pleasant of experiences. I was picked on from Kindergarten till my last day of senior year and it isn’t easy. Most of the time, you can ignore the stupid things, but other times some kids just can’t let you alone, others get physical. I’ve been in all of those situations and I have to tell you, my biggest allies, were my parents.
I don’t know if these children have accepting parents or not, but even so, tell your parents! My father, now matter how outrageously and over the top my punk phase was, would have never sat back and let the harassment at school happen! There are a few times he went to the elementary school/Jr. High/high school to talk to the principle, parents of the bullies and see things resolved.
I am a parent now and my boys have had trouble at school with bullies (though my sons are in elementary school) and we’re having a similar problem, I’ve called the principle and talked to the bully’s parents. Your parents love you and I know it is hard when you’re a young adult to go to them and ask for that kind of help, but you should always understand that you are their babies, no matter how you choose to express yourself!
First, get yourself a thing of pepperspray. You hopefully will never use it. The more noticible the better. Mine is pink, and I wear it around my neck with my key and id. EVERYONE notices. Ill have people laugh, and ask if I ever had to use it, or, “Don’t mess with her, she’s got MACE!” It works great, and people are MUCH less likely to get physical with you. Because that’s what pepper spray is for – self defense.
Although, I’m in college, and highschools are more strict.
And if you do want to learn to defend yourself, I don’t reccomend you joining karate or jujitsu or martial arts. Just join one designed for self-defense being put on by the police or the local rec. That way, it’s strait to the point, cheaper(the one at my university is free for students, sixty for non-which, I would think is a better deal than having to take more years of a martial arts, where most is offensive, and not to the point), and, you get to beat up a guy in a suit! WHAT FUN!
My mother took one, and she can get out of any hold put on her. And that’s the main thing- defend yourself until you canget away- don’t get offensive. If you hit them, kick them, etc., they can get you for that. If you shove or push so you can run, that’s more obvious for defense.
And confidence is key. Bullies go for victims. Don’t look like one. If you’re confident in yourself, and look like you won’t care or take their crap, they’ll leave you alone hopefully. But this is NOT saying to be mean back, etc. Just laugh it off.
And OPTIMISISM. If you’re happy, and optimistic, that makes you better to be around. More people will like you, and less will feel the need to pick on you.
Make friends. Religious? Join youth group! Seriously. It depends on the church/temple/place, some are NOT very good, but my youth group was amazing- every time I went to it goth, they loved it, and said I was so fancy! Not all Christians are evil. Some of us actually follow the bible and accept everyone. ;o
Or join scouts, sports, drama, book club, etc. It’s hard, my school had no extra-curriculars other than girl scouts that I was interested in, but do try some out. You might be surprised!
Strength in numbers.
ALWAYS be polite, and treat others with respect. If you’re nice to the teachers, they’ll love you right off the bat. Well, if they’re normal. I’ve had a few who just HATED ME(mainly my art teachers), but most always said I was sweet and polite. It REALLY helps.
And police.
When I was a freshman in highschool, my exboyfriend got pretty scary. He wasn’t taking breakup well, and I ended up getting a restraining order. THIS IS GOOD, BUT-
Do know- if you get it on someone with friends, they may look like a victim. Whazt happened with me was, all my friends could not believe I did that to him,”he did not deserve that!” “how could you!” etc. I wanted to cry and kill myself. My best friend was the only one who believed me. But just know, no matter what, if your LIFE was in danger, you did the right thing.
And if someone DOES touch you innapropriately or aggressively, REPORT IT. Immediately. Pepper spray them if needed to get away. Creepily touching your hair can turn to somethingmore scary in SECONDS. Say firmly don’t touch me, and loudly. Scream. And report them to the police. SOON. Tell someone at least.
I haven’t really been bullied for being goth much, but I have for my religion, and it can be tough. I’m christian, and when most people are athiests, things get crazy. And it can be hard to be bullied for anything.
But when you get to college, things are amazing. So many people, with such awesome style! College is where people re-invent themselves. Maybe they were a jerk in highschool, but only because of reputation, and they didn’t want to lose their status. In college, they start on the bottom. Some of those same people are now super nice and accepting, because they can start over. It’s weird, I know, but it’s sometimes true. Sure there’s always one stuck at age twelve, but most people are awesome.
And make friends with teachers. They come in handy. Be a good student- they tend to like the ones who do their work and come in on time and are interested in the class best.
The biggest things I guess are pepperspray, confidence, kindness, and friends. And the evidence thing she talked about.
Do try to get a counseler too. A good one.
That’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure there’s more. Good luck!
Intense sympathy to all who have been bullied, picked on or belittled just for the crime of living. It might help to know that although here in my part of England many schools have strict uniform policies, there is still too much bullying; the bullies just find something other than style to pick on. Some people are just different (thank goodness)and that difference is usually lifelong (see Qwayla’s post 26). And do you know what? That’s where the innovators, changers, movers and shapers of tomorrow come from. Bet you Bill Gates got the odd snide comment at school!
Be glad in your heart that you are giving off ‘I’m different’ vibes and console yourself with the thought that hard though it is to be bullied, it is even harder to be ignored. Oscar Wilde said that if there is one thing worse that being talked about, it is not being talked about. I’m not belittling the pain and fear that bullying can induce but just trying to plant the seed that maybe the bullies feel just a little bit threatened by you and your specialness. Otherwise, why would they bother?
By the way, my son was bullied at school (uber science geek). The bullies didn’t realise that he was a ju jutsu blue belt; he chose not to fight back until the day that one of them threatened his wheelchair-bound friend. Then, my son calmly put the ring-leader in a headlock and suggested that she (yes, equal opportunities bullying)re-thought her attitude. When she went running to the staff (bullies are cowards at heart), because my son had made all the staff aware of the problems that was having, she was the one who was excluded from school.
To all of you who wake up in the morning to a sense of dread, I send my warmest wishes.
To start off – and this is sadly the reality of things – whether you’re goth or not, you’re always going to come across people who have a problem with you for seemingly no good reason. It may come in different forms: some may just ignore people that they don’t like (which is a much more preferable scenario even if the thought may upset some. After all, you can’t make friends with everybody, and for good reasons sometimes), or it could be a rivalry on an equal level, or, in the extreme cases, bullying. For the latter case, it may be a reality, but that does NOT mean you have put up with it, since bullying is a case of victimization: when one takes advantage of someone else who is at a disadvantage. This must stop – and here’s how (in my opinion)!
I think your first option would be to act like zebras and join forces with other misfits at your school. They don’t have to be goth, but it’s a good thing to find sanctuary with other people who aren’t exactly on the conforming end of the school spectrum. In my high school, all of the outcasts – math wizes, emos, science geeks, goths, comic nerds, anime aficionados, punks, skater kids, marching band kids – either hung out in the art wing or the math hall where all of the like-minded teachers were involved, and the rest of the school populace didn’t come around us because it was virtually our territory. We didn’t have a sign on the door that said “no non-geeks allowed!” or anything that excluded others, but it was school politics: the nerdy people hung out in the art wing of the school. Maybe the rest of the school thought of it more of a sanitorium instead of a sanctuary, but we didn’t care. Every once in awhile a pack of ravenous popular people who would make their way by us and they just *had* to open their mouths and say something negative about all of us, when all they had to do was ignore us and be on their way. So we made like yaks and charged – not physically, but we gave them a taste of their own medicine and slung the insults back, if not better with the wit and sarcasm. I must say, if a group of nasty people say something to you while you’re alone it might hurt a lot more, but if they say the same thing but you’re with a group of people who are armed with comebacks, they don’t seem very threatening at all. In the end, they’d eventually scoff and leave. Victory dance! (And I don’t concider this bullying; rather, it’s group retaliation toward a threat.)
If this doesn’t happen and you find yourself alone, talk to an authority figure that you can count on, and I mean *really* count on, since it seems that a lot of teachers and faculty only get teary eyed and sorrowful about a case of bullying AFTER something really awful happens, and I don’t think I need to give any examples. And, as much as some may disagree, there are some people who will only learn not to mess with you if you act on the offense or if you get some serious authority figures on your side like the police. In other words, cease being the gazelle that lives in fear of the lion. Instead, be the hyena that’s constantly at odds with the lion. Now I’m not saying that you should go out of your way in order to confront your bully first and threaten them with a bowie knife or ANYTHING like that. Rather, when it comes to it, defend yourself, but not in the lethal sense (unless they want to do some extreme harm to you, which I hope it doesn’t come to that). I guess a good example would be an experience I had.
When I was a senior in high school, there was this guy who would always verbally harrass me in a rather sexual manner from across the room. He was doing this for a couple of weeks after school had started for the year, and no one – not the teacher or even my friend who sat right next to me – would do anything or say anything, so I knew no acts of chivalry were going to happen in my defense. So one day, and I remember because I was very unhappy that day, he was doing it again. So I said in my head, “forget this crap” and I walked up to him and said, “If you have something to say or do to me, how about doing it directly in my face and see what’s going to happen then?” The guy was lost for words, and I saw him for what he was: a very small and weak man who couldn’t face up to what he said (and quite literally; he was pretty short, an inch or two shorter than I). After that, he didn’t say anything to me and wouldn’t approach me. Actually, no one in that class really came up to me or spoke to me unless they really needed to, but I was cool with that. Like Machiavelli said, “better to be feared than loved.”
I know it contradicts the worldviews of some, but seriously: even if it makes me look bad and it doesn’t do well with my record, it’s better to be looked at as an adversary of a bully rather than a victim of a bully, because that is what being a victim is all about. Like a lamprey to a troat, your power and self-esteem gets sucked away from you by a bully until you’re left all life-less and limp, ready for other people to take advantage of.
So, this confrontation did not end violently, and it ended on a rather good note for me. Then again, this wasn’t the only bully-like situation I had to go through in primary school, and some of them ended on good notes, some on not so good notes, and some were just bittersweet enough to have a teacher’s shoulder to cry on.
In the end, I’d never replay high school or middle school and I’m so glad that I’m in college, full of an array of people who aren’t from the same local setting with the same close-minded views on local norms, because I noticed that the reactions toward bullying might not only be backed by the school faculty, but also by the community and how they view certain bullies and their victims.
I hope this gave some insight and help (and forgive me for using so many animal analogies: they weren’t meant to be insulting, but I’m in environmental studies and I make a bunch of biological references to human situations).
I was bullied at my school. We had a uniform, so it wasn’t even the fact that I dressed differently (I only had 3 friends, and no one really saw me outside of school anyway, I kept very much to myself for many years.)
I have always gone to an all girls school, which I think was what made everything so much worse for me. I asked my parents repeatedly to let me change schools, but they just kept insisting things would get better. They did, but after 6 years.
I went to my headteacher, form tutor, subject teachers, pastoral care managers, everyone I could think of, yet nothing was ever done. Some teachers even witnessed the bullying and turned a blind eye. One headteacher even told me that bullying did not exist at the school, and that I wasn’t being bullied. I had evidence in the form of nasty notes written to me, but that was brushed aside.
I have always been a little different – I always did my homework, I loved English with a passion, so was always reading, I’m short and small, and I’ve always just given off a sort of ‘geeky’ air. This, I think, was why I was a target. In earlier years, on non-uniform days, I wore the most ‘fashionable’ clothes I owned, but it never made any difference, so I started wearing my own black clothes, band shirts, jeans, black skirts, fingerless gloves, striped stockings. I knew it would make things worse, but since nothing I did helped anyway, I may as well be myself.
Things came to a head when everyone in my class decided that I was the group target. I was tormented relentlessly, I remember on several occasions running out of classes and locking myself in one of the bathroom cubicles. Half my class followed me, and broke down the door once. I was crying and screaming, as the continued shouting abuse, and one or two of them hit me, but then other people came in and they backed off.
After that, I started skipping school a lot, pretending I was ill. My parents went to the headteacher so many times, and eventually, they ‘had a word’ with the bullies, but it didn’t really help.
Eventually, I just started staying out of their way as much as possible – eating lunch in the most hidden places I could find, spending any time outside of lessons in the library. It was not a good time in my life.
I used to be really easy to wind up and have a short fuse, but if that experience taught me one thing, it was learning to deal with my emotions.
Bullying is horrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it does happen, frequently, and I would advise raising awareness, anti-bulling campaigns and such. If you see someone getting bullied, report it.
I was thankful I had one friend who was always there, though I hardly saw her, as she was in a different class it was still nice knowing there was someone out there I could trust.
Greetings, I like so many of you was bullied all through the first school stage we have here in Iceland (6 – 16). Oddly though, it started well before I embraced the macabre and once I did at the age of 15 it started to fade in proportion to my growing ‘gothy-ness’.
I would like to echo Furious Angel, and share that the way I managed to deal with the bullying was by taking those labels of being ‘weird’ and a ‘freak’ and with a bit of effort and elbow grease, managed to polish them to a high shine and wore them as a badge of honor.
On another note, I would like to mention that I don’t blame the kids that didn’t stand up for me. They had everything to loose and where simply afraid to draw attention to me, so I would like to propose that those of us that DO get bullied (and thusly have nothing to loose on that front) take the effort of standing up others, that is what I did and managed to get a few life long friends in the process.
The teachers, I think, simply didn’t notice the times when there was verbal abuse (and me being shy and not really caring much for my own well being at the time, I didn’t bother telling anybody), but the one time I was physically assaulted the guys responsible where all sent home and given 3 days suspension.
With a bow and the doffing off my hat,
Oskar Waterdale
I felt a sense of deja vu reading these letters, the “falling” down stairs happened to me alot, also being shoved into lockers. And yes there are teachers who will tell you that you’re lying or that it’s a “normal part of school life” so here’s a sure fire way to prove you’re telling the truth: show them the scars. Trust me, it works.
I know what it’s like to be bullied, I was isolated and left out of things up until very recently because of a rumour-fueled perception that I was some odd little freak (I am rather eccentric, but people have now realized I’m actually a lot more normal than they thought).
Being the only goth in an Irish (catholic) secondary school can be lonely, so I know what it’s like to be “the only one in the village” as it were.
As I said on The Lady’s Livejournal, a piece of advice I’d give the girl who was pushed down the stairs is to check if there are any security cameras in the area of the incident. If there are you would have solid proof of the offence. And document EVERYTHING, including photographs of injuries (and try to stay out of any fights that may be used to explain the injuries even if they were caused by the bully)
And do NOT retaliate (unless in dire need) to that type of person, they will often slip up themselves and find themselves in trouble with another person (I know this from experience). If you can project a good and polite image to the school, you may find they will be more inclined listen to you also, this I can vouch for (Dear Lady you are correct! It does work! 🙂 )
Remember too, the time will eventually come to an end. I have been waiting for many, many years and I can happily wait out the next 3-4 months of school time left for me. It DOES get better 🙂
I think that the one thing that I can add here is that it DOES get better. High school is a horrible microverse, and the people in it are still developing their social responses. Once you get out there into the real world, you WILL find that adults will treat you better than your peers do now. I know it can seem a long way away, but if you can hold onto that thought, it can sometimes help to get you through….