Hello Snarklings! The first lesson at Gothic Charm School for 2011 is going to be about a very serious topic, one, sadly, that the Lady of the Manners has been receiving a distressing number of letters about: bullying. Here, read a small sample of the letters arriving seemingly daily in the Gothic Charm School mailbox:
From Addy Rose:
question: My Lady,
I am writting this letter becuase I am…well, having bully issues. Sad, but true. 🙁 I have been part of the gothic lifestyle for about 2 years now. I am 15 and in 10th grade. And I get picked on, a lot. It hasn’t come to physical problems..but I fear that it will. Rude and threating comments are always being thrown at me in the hallways, cafeteria, classrooms, etc. At first I ignored them, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’ve even shot some remarks back at a girl bashing my black frilly high heels. (It’s not just because she did’nt like my shoes..I could care less. It’s because she’s been tormenting me for years now..I just can’t take it anymore, Lady. Please help. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Best Wishes,
Addy Rose XOXO
From Jayna:
question: Dear Lady of the manners,
I was fully aware that when I became goth I would atract unwanted attteion but I became goth anyway but the harassment has gotten worse. So much. That it has become psyical. I did what you said. I turned to the teachers, but they did not do anything at all.
Thank you for reading this,
Jayna
From Bunni:
My other problem is a girl who actually is physically hurting me, for wearing “weird” clothes. When I was wearing a neon green and black, knee length skirt and black corset/vest a week ago, she took my binders from my hands and threw them in the air, and then pushed me down the stairs. I actually shed blood from my knees. How do I avoid her? By the way, I told an authority at school, but they didn’t believe me, because that girl is a little miss goody-two-shoes/teacher’s pet, who has the school staff wrapped around her little finger.
I’m so stuck. 🙁
Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners wishes she could give each and every one of you a hug, and then visit your schools and tell your tormentors to STOP. The Lady of the Manners has no idea if that would actually help, but that’s her immediate reaction to letters about bullying. Since she can’t do that, she’s going write about it and hope that helps.
Thing The First: No one, and the Lady of the Manners does mean no one, deserves to be bullied. It doesn’t matter what someone looks like, what religion they are, their sexual orientation, their gender, where they live, what books they read, what music they listen to ”¦ there is no reason for bullying. Ever. If you are being bullied and someone says things like “Well, that’s just how so-and-so is”, “You just have to accept it”, or “What did you expect, you look weird or different”, that person is wrong. In the experience of the Lady of the Manners, bullying, at its core, has nothing to do with the target, but is about the bully trying to make themselves feel like they have power over something. Does that make it excusable? No, never. But if you are being bullied, please, please, please try to remember that the bullying is not an accurate reflection of your worth. Cling to that idea, and don’t let the bullies rob you of your hope, your self-confidence, or your future.
Thing The Second: If you’re being bullied, what should you do? TELL SOMEONE. Find a sympathetic teacher, tell your parents or the parents of one of your friends, tell the guidance counsellor, but tell someone. Do not suffer in silence. Because the bullies are in the wrong, not you, and their actions need to be exposed. (If the adult you talk to responds with comments along the lines of the “What did you expect ”¦?” nonsense the Lady of the Manners mentioned in Thing The First, tell them that bullying is harassment and discrimination and that no one deserves it. Show them this article if you think it will help.) But do talk to an adult about the bullying, and try to enlist their aid in getting it to stop. Sadly, they may not be able to, or the reaction may be a Very Special Assembly or Meeting about how Bullying Is Not Tolerated (and we all know how effective those sorts of assemblies are, which is to say not very). But you still need to tell someone, because one of the things bullies count on is that no one will call them on their actions. Which leads to ”¦
Thing The Third: Reactions. Bullies want to make you upset. They are trying to hurt you, and want to see that sort of reaction so they can torment you even more. Which is why the usual advice about bullying is to ignore them, to not give them the response they’re looking for. The Lady of the Manners agrees with that advice, up to a point. The most important thing to remember is (as the Lady of the Manners said in Thing The First) you don’t deserve any of what the bullies are doing to you. So do your best not to get upset, lose your temper, or give the bullies a show. However, if you can manage it, comment on what they’re doing, in as calm a manner as possible. The Lady of the Manners realizes that doing this will be extremely difficult in many circumstances, because getting upset about being bullied and picked on is a completely reasonable reaction, and holding that reaction in is hard to do. But your goal is to make them understand that bullying you isn’t going to get the response they’re looking for, and getting angry and upset won’t do that.
If you don’t think you can pull off reacting calmly toward the bullies, then do your best to ignore them. As the Lady of the Manners said, they want to make you upset, they want a reaction. Do your very utmost not to give them what they want.
Thing The Fourth: Violence. Sometimes (and oh, how the Lady of the Manners wishes it was a rare exception), bullying becomes physically violent. Which is assault, Snarklings. No matter how “mild” it may seem. Pushing, hair-pulling, knocking books out of someone’s arms? That is all assault, and is not to be tolerated. If someone assaults you, go to an authority figure (multiple authority figures, if you have to), and report the incident as calmly and seriously as possible. If you are met with any sort of “Oh, you’re overreacting” response, repeat that what has happened is assault, and must be taken seriously. You may even need to go as far as reporting the assault to the police and pressing charges.
The Lady of the Manners is loath to advocate retaliatory violence toward the bullies. Partially because she doesn’t think it will actually help anything, but mostly because the chances of you getting hurt and blamed for the incident are high. But! If you are in physical danger, defend yourself. Do what you need to in order to get out of the situation, and go to someplace, anyplace, where there are people around, preferably adults and/or authority figures.
Which brings the Lady of the Manners to the thing she feels the most strongly about in all of this: it is everyone’s responsibility to help stop bullying. If people band together and call bullies out on what they’re doing, if people make it clear that bullying is not something to be tolerated and accepted, then it can be stopped. If you see someone being picked on or bullied, say something. Tell the aggressor to stop it, and get other people to help shame the bully into changing their ways. Yes, the Lady of the Manners said shame, because if you are bullying someone, you should be ashamed of what you’re doing.
So speak up. Say something, even if the person being bullied is someone you don’t like or don’t know. Again, no one deserves to be bullied. Ever.
For this particular post, the Lady of the Manners is going to do a very rare thing: she’s going to leave it open for moderated comments. If you have advice on how to deal with bullies, or if you want to share your experiences and tell people that it does, indeed, get better, please do!
I really have a couple of things to say about all this.
First one is, I was a rather late bloomer, in my late twenties when I became openly goth. And even though I was not outwardly goth during my childhood, I still never dressed or acted like anyone else. And I was relentlessly bullied for it. I can’t, honestly, tell anyone how I got through, except that I prayed constantly. It did end and in my later years in high I really had fun. It really did get better for a while, which leads into my next thing I have to say.
When I “came out of the coffin” when I was 28, I was bullied all over again, but not by kids( at least not that I was aware of). This bulling came from adults both my age and older, and surprisingly enough folks younger than I. People that had known me for years, and seen my beautiful children grow into even more beautiful girls. My own husband for a while. That hurt more than physical abuse. I did say all this to make things worse, I’m saying it because now, the bulling has stopped; at least for now. And even if keeps on coming, I am not backing down! I’m different, I’m not a clone, who goes a store and comes out with an article of clothing that at least 1 million other people own. I am me. I take that with wherever I go. I’m not hurting anyone, I’m not forcing anyone to be ashamed of me. They choose to do that themselves. I’m not ashamed, and I’m not changing. I am alright with God. I spent two years in almost constant prayer over this. I don’t need to answer to anyone else. It doesn’t matter. I have to face God when I die, and I know that going to Him as I am is not something I’m afraid of. What I’m saying won’t take the pain away, and I am by no means telling anyone to take it. The Lady is correct. It is assault, it is wrong and you should NEVER put up with it. But these words might make you stronger as you march to authorities, and it might make you more confident as you contemplate the worth of it.
It is worth it. You are worth it. No matter who tells you otherwise, YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Unfortunatley school surrounds you with people who live in the same area as you. When you leave school and start your life you will start to find and surround yourself with people who like the same things as you. So it does get better.
In high school I took the “holyer than thou” approach to the others and looked down at them, scofing at their taunts which stop the taunts as it was not having the desired effect on me. I surrounded myself with the others who were teased and picked on and becoming their back up and getting a support team of my own.
My brother delt with his bullies in a more violent way, which got him into a lot of trouble and even now effects his life, years after school.
So I think the most important thing to remember is that it wont always be like this, school is not forever. You will have many more years after school to be who you are and you will meet people who share your interests. Don’t ever give up!
Yo,
Guys, the people bullying you are sad. Sad people who are jealous that they don’t have the confidence to be so amazingly unique (and awesome) so they feel threatened by you.
Ignore them. If you can’t handle it, tell someone! But don’t take ANYTHING seriously, or beleive any of the…’rubbish’ they spout okay?
If they comment on how you look,and you’re feeling a bit naughty,just look them up and down and give a little laugh. INSECURITY FOR THEM. And you know what?
Just think of how great you are. How boring they are. And smile to yoursef :]
Rage ‘n’ Love,
xo
As someone who was bullied many times in school, I can say, it is important to tell someone. If someone doesn’t listen, you have to tell someone else. I had an incident in highschool where some girls bullied me because of the way I dressed. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but my father made me go to the asst. Principle who turned around and tried to make it seem like I was the trouble maker because I wore black. Infact, his exact words were “Well if you dress like that, what can you expect?” Yeah. I was lucky then that my school had police officers that monitored my school. One of these police officers was in the office and got involved when he saw the principle was going to try and turn the whole thing around on me. Then he asked me if I wanted to press charges for the incident. I didn’t, but he sure scared the heck out of those girls, putting cuffs on them and making them think they were going to jail…until their parents got there to pick them up. They were suspended for a total of…two weeks. The next semester one of those same girls tried to buddy up to me and be my “friend” and even now has tried added me to her facebook. Luckily I have the privilage of telling her to kindly jump off a bridge.
I delt with “bullies” throught school. There was no “goth” at the time, i was just “different” I chose the goth subculture because I felt that it matched my personality. Please note I did not become “goth” until my sophmore year in highschool. Keep that in mind when you read my story.
At first I wasn’t quiet about the abuse from my piers, which started in 4th grade. I told everyone, including my mom, the teachers only joined in on the abuse and then ganged up on my mom in a “private teacher’s meeting”. The teachers told me and my mom that it was my fault i was being bullied. I still tried to get a teacher’s help all the way through the 7th grade. Nothing changed, no one helped. If i lashed out or fought back, i was punnished.
Eventually, I changed my views on my tormentors. My pity and sadness deepened for them the more despirate their actions became. I learned escapes and ways to express my pain without doing harm to myself or other people.
The bullying stopped when I went to a different school in a different town.
My point is:
Sometimes, you have to help yourself. All the adults in the world wont make a difference until you stand up for yourself. Don’t let them make you their victim. Complement them when they insult you, hug them when they try to hurt you. Show compasion and kindness when they are cruel. That is how i made it through 5 years worth of hazeing.
I’ve been bullied about my Goth-ness since I was 11 malicously and I became very isoalted . I have been accused of Satanism and writing ‘Death-Notes’ . I have settled in my 5th school . Though whenever I see the bullies around town I feel angry ! I think this advice is good and now I am at my new school and have many supportive friends I feel much happier 🙂 . I wish every baby-bat and every goth a bully-free life . 🙂
This makes me so angry since there is nothing I hate, loath and despise more than bullying.
Thankfully I was homeschooled all the way to graduation so that I rarely had to deal with that sort of wretchedness, but I know the kind of negative attention you can get by looking different.
I totally agree with the Lady about what she has to say about shaming the bullies. If you see somebody else being bullied, run screaming to their aid. Bullies by their very nature are cowards and if they find themselves outnumbered they usually back off.
I cannot stress this enough. Bullies are COWARDS. It is why they bully. Don’t let ’em get away with it.
I would like to mention to everyone that there are the offbeat teachers! I am one of these people! Not every teacher you meet is an uncool one, or wasn’t a goth in high school or not bullied, the only thing is you HAVE TO FIND THEM!
We have our little quirks whether it be a GIANT octopus collection, or the Frida Kahlo paintings in the classroom, to the framed picture of you and The Dresden Dolls, there will be teachers whose true personalities do show to their kids.
Even if you do choose to not believe it, there are teachers who teach because they love what they do, and teach because they love their students! If you keep getting blocked by teachers, go to your counselors, if they refuse, go to the principals, there are laws against bullying and if a school cannot prevent the bullying be it ignorance or sheer vanity (having a school with no bullying reflects well and some choose to ignore it) go to the media. Yes, I may be a teacher, but I have been at some schools where they preffer not to acknowledge its existence, and bad publicity towards a school is never good.
Also, which is always good being bullied or not, create a rapprt with your teacher, speak up, give criticism, do something to show your teacher you are involved even though you’re not conventional. Its great advice. Also, get good grades, that always makes your teachers happy, or show that you are trying, and ask for help.
Regards,
The Oracle of Dreams
Yeah… I’ve been bullied, too. Pretty much all my life until high school, really. At first, it was because I was nerdy and had an odd vibe about me, and was crap at socialising. Then, in middle school, it was because I dressed in black and listened to stuff not on the radio (Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Velvet Underground, etc). Also, because I didn’t act according to my birth gender (too “masculine”, an “off” quality about me; they called me shemale) and fancied girls. The school was Catholic. The principal actually said this to me: “You’re the first of… those we have at achool. Tell me if they’re being mean to you about it.”. Yep, not the most tolerant school, yeah? Black boots, Bauhaus and liking girls: clearly the bullying was my fault!
Now, I’m diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which explains my general awkwardness when it comes to socialising. I’m also a trans guy (the middle schoolers seemed to notice how fake and unconvincing the female role was for me, heh), and I’m not ashamed or afraid of who I am anymore.
Now, I’m not afraid when going to school. I walk, head held high, in my black boots and black coat, and nobody cares. There are no insults, nobody throws things at me, nobody ties me up to a tree and whips me.
School doesn’t last forever. It will get better someday. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day.
Keep on shining, my friends. Keep on shining, and don’t let the bastards gring you down.
Sadly I have also been subjected to the unkindness of other people for being both gay and a goth. I got it all, beatings, name calling, theft and general unkindness. my teachers did not seem to take it seriously until I got into a fight with someone at my school. luckily i got out with few wounds but soon after I transferred and my new school is much better. there are still people here I wish weren’t but you can’t have everything.
Hello, everyone.
The only thing I can add to everyone’s wonderful advice is to never, EVER, stop being yourself. No matter what someone says, or what others do, don’t you ever be afraid to continue moving along the path of being who you truly are. Seek out support from others like you, and don’t ignore people who aren’t, because they’re just as worthwhile. Stay true to yourself.
And don’t ever quit, don’t give up. The world will be a sadder place if it loses you, and your strong spirit.
We’re behind you all the way. Stay strong.
<3,
Sabriel Azalee
Unfortunately, I and many of my comrades have received unwanted attention from some of the more popular figures as well. We do ignore it, and maintain a more ‘mild’ goth look at school. One, Emmilie* has been /very/ persistent lately. Unfortunately, its getting very irritable indeed, but perhaps mes amies and I can retreat further back into the auditorium at Drama practice. This article has been very helpful. And I am very happy to say after reading it, I began working out and taking a self-defense class. So no, Emmilie and her croonies will not be hurting me OR my high-heeled rain boots again.
(*Name has been changed)
I’ve been the slightly more morbid kid all my life… And I’ve recently gone goth…
Some people decided it would be fun to taunt my friends and I about our lifestyle, and almost came close to attacking us…
If anything, I believe that you should show your teeth once and get the message across. I made my mother promise not to be too angry if I ended up in the principal’s office, haha. But my friends evidently get harrassed much more than I do, so really I think if you’re being bullied you should just put on the attitude like you’re the higher person, bare your teeth, and be nice to everyone else so that you won’t have as many problems. People shouldn’t have to live in fear.
We started a bit of a mini war… So I advise not going that far… xD But it makes me a bit disappointed when people don’t stick up for themselves and scare their tormentors off.
Bye bye~
I’ve read a few more comments, and I’m very disappointed with people these days. 🙁 How could someone take a knife to a fellow peer for their dress? Ignorance allows history to repeat itself, and I’m afraid there is going to be another Sophie Lancaster case(God bless her). D: It’s not fair at all. The media has led people to think ridiculous things…
I use to get picked on a lot in primary school, I use to storm out classes when I couldn’t take it anymore, and the teacher would send out my best friend or someone else (if my best friend wasn’t in my class) to fetch me back. I even tried hitting people who teased me. Some of the students in my classes weren’t really bad. I use to be depressed until half of year 10. Before then, people use to think I was emo because I hid behind my black dyed hair and such. But it’s normal to be depressed. And I use to get nervous all the time and wanted to be unnoticed. My dad said everyone gets picked on. A friend of mine said to think positive. And I have. I would say I was never really an emo. People these days are labelling almost anything as emo. How annoying. Life has been more better for me. I never heard the word emo until I was in year nine. I’m in year 12 now and much happier. I would be happy to help those who are thinking about suicide or do self-harm. I had a friend who did self-harm. She moved away last year a couple of months ago. “Just think happy thoughts.” 🙂
Glad that topic was brought up.
Just a note to all you guys suffering with these bullying pricks: Ask for yous parent’s help is NOT being a crybaby! Is the best thing you can do. Especially because of these nasty teachers and principals that just WON’T take you seriously, an adult need to be there for you.
I was bullied a little bit on my thirteens (I say a bit ’cause, after reading all these horrible stories, I think I was doing just fine back then). The day a buch of nasty older girls crawled like the worms they were from behind me and glued a lot of stickers and a gum on my hair, I snapped. I called the teacher (we were visiting a museum that day), told people had put gum on mu hair and pointed the girl with my finger. No shame at all. “Yes teacher, it was that girl over there.”
All my friends, very sad for me, said I’d have to cut my hair off. Right close the the head. I couldn’t believe that. My whole life I had my hair down my shoulders. When I was back home, I told my mom what happened. She took pity on me, looked up on an old book of her and found something that melts gum down! We bought it in the drug store, put on my hair and BAM! Got it all out of my hair.
The next day my mom went to my school, asked the principal to call the girl and said with all words that a girl that behaved “like an animal” should be punished so she wouldn’t hurt anyone again. She left school with me, pretty satisfied with herself.
Next day? The girl NEVER got a bit CLOSE to me again. I spent the whole recess playing with my friends like nothing had happened.
So, my point is: If your school can’t do a thing, your parents surely can. All you have to do is make sure they know you are really suffering.
Oh, and for those physical assaults, I suggest a visit to a doctor and taking some pictures of each bruise. This can come in handy when filing a complaint. Depending on the situation, you should really call the police.
Hang in there, you guys! Being goth and looking darkly adorable is you right!
Boy there are a lot of comments.
If you’ve actually gotten through to reading this one, go you, thanks for reading and I’ll try not to repeat what everyone else said to much.
If you are reading this, it’s probably because you are or have been in this or a similar situation, and also probably at least the littlest bit Gothish. Probably, this is because Goth is at least the littlest bit of who you are, or at the very least reading Gothic Charm School. Go you; you know what you like, and you’re pursuing it.
I want you to stop and reread that last sentence now, please. Go ahead, reread it: “Go you; you know what you like and you’re pursuing it.”
Whether you realize it or not, this is actually a really empowering thing, which is probably why, on some level, you are being bullied if you are, in fact, being bullied right now. Putting aside the completely alien motivation-less mentally-ill aggression, most of the people who bully will probably be just normal people with human wants, needs, and fears–including the need to be themselves. Probably, they feel threatened because they feel that they cannot, on some level, and if it’s not that it’s almost certainly some other kind of emotional hurt very much like that. Whatever it is, for whatever reason, whatever the circumstances, this need is expressed or the bully seeks to fulfill it by, well, bullying. And it’s very, very likely that they haven’t figured this out just yet.
What does this mean for the bullied?
One of my favorite bits of instruction from the founder of Aikido (Morehei Ueshiba; I’m 5th kyu and have studied his writings–this is from one of his doka, or short poetic sayings or guiding instructions) is translated as:
“If your heart is large enough to envelop your adversaries, you can see right through their petty mindedness and avoid their attacks. And once you envelop them, you will be able to guide them along a path indicated to you by heaven and earth.”
I really like this because it’s basically about meeting aggression with compassion, which sums up Aikido and really applies to everything. That compassion makes it easier to face the slings and arrows of the bullies in life, wherever and whenever you are. Even if they’re real slings and arrows, that compassion and understanding can help by letting the fact of their attacks not bother you and help you do what it is you need to do in that situation for yourself. A lot of the power inherent in the struggle of the bully is making the bullied lose their center–making them not be themselves and thereby vicariously live through the power of whatever is actually keeping themselves down.
If you can keep being true to yourself no matter what’s going on, you win. If somehow an opportunity presents itself for you to help them win their own fight that way, hey, cool! Bonus points. If not, well, that’s not your fight to win or lose anyway. Don’t let that stop you from the ongoing struggle to keep true to yourself (at least, I tend to find very much an ongoing struggle, moment by moment).
To bullies. If you are reading this, this is for you: take a long, good hard look at what you’re doing and ask yourself, really, why do you do this? What is it that you feel that’s driving you so much to do something like this, and is that really who you want to be? Really?
Those you do this to are basically just like you. They do what they do, dress how they dress, like what they like and are who they are by and large because they want to be–it’s not about you for them, it’s about them for them. And it can be just as scary for them to be them for them as it is for you to be you for you, do what you want to do, dress how you want to dress, like what you want to like and so on. Odds are, it’s just as scary for them as it is for you. But we don’t need to be afraid of being ourselves for ourselves, no matter the opposition, and neither do you.
“Face a single foe as if you are facing ten thousand enemies; face ten thousand enemies as a single foe.” ~ Morihei Ueshiba
P.S. Results are worthwhile but not instantaneous. Best done with patience, especially with yourself. Keep trying; it does get better, and you’ll get better at it too.
I, unfortunately, have experienced bullying, both physical and verbal. The verbal have never bothered me. I don’t have feelings to hurt. My recommendation is learning judo, karate, or jiu jitsu, in case you need it for self defense. Also, in some areas you can legally carry a concealed weapon (not in school, or certain other places) with or without a permit, in case things turn VERY bad (which has happened, and just because the individuals were goth. It has resulted in death). Small daggars make excellent acceseries for any goth! (>^_^)>/ I suggest researching laws related to concealed weapons. You can get in ALOT of trouble for carrying illegal weapons.
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I haven’t read through all the comments [there’s so many O.o] but I want to offer a bit of advice.
Compared to some of the stories on here and the letters, my experiences with bullying weren’t too serious. I’m a girl, but I tend to dress in baggy clothes becuase a. I’m a little insecure and b. It’s easier to just throw them on than go throw all these other clothes and take hours getting ready. I’m also very tomboyish, having grown up in a very small town in the woods with my brother for company [so my upbringing was rather boyish]. Of course, once I joined middle school the other kids realized that it wasn’t “proper” for a girl to act this way, and for the most part the kids who grew up in the city steered away from me. I didn’t mind that, because then the kids who became my friends were the ones who approached me knowing that I was “different” and LIKING that.
Unfortunately, in our middle school they split each grade into two sections. Each section would have a different locker area, different teachers, even different lunch times. Kids were more or less punished for going to the other section inbetween classes. I’m not sure what they hoped to achieve by doing this, but I guess it was mainly so that the classes wouldn’t be too big. But in eighth grade I was put on a different section than ALL of my friends. Literally, I had no friends on my new section. We called the school over the summer, hoping to get me switched, but the principal said I couldn’t [we found out later that about ten other people were allowed to switch, simply for the reason that their parents kept calling and nagging the school…]. So my parents told me to just buck up and deal with it.
Within the first month, I was getting teased relentlessly. It was a combination of the fact that I was a tomboy, I was interested in manga/anime/Japanese culture, and that I had no friends to defend me or sit with me at lunch. Unfortunately, I had very low self-esteem to begin with, and this just shattered it.
I began to sit alone at lunch, and leaving the lunch room the minute I was finished with lunch. I tried to sit in corners of rooms, trying not to be noticed. I began to cut myself [which is NEVER a good way of dealing with things]. One of the bullies told me every time I said something that no one cared what I thought, and it made me reluctant to ever talk at all at school. I begged my parents every day to let me stay home from school, and I began having panic attacks. I almost attempted suicide at least twice, but fortunately stopped myself. The bullying never got to physical assault, except when sometimes they would spit on my face.
This was all before bullying became a hot topic in schools, and though some teachers saw what happened, they didn’t do anything. In one instance, one of the bullies sat next to me in science, and I told my teacher I couldn’t learn because he was bullying me, and the teacher promised to change the seating plan. The next day, he changed the seats all around, placing me RIGHT NEXT to the bully, AGAIN. My problem was that I believed what the bullies told me, making my self-esteem terrible. I didn’t think I was worth anything.
Fortunately, I made friends with some of the other kids at my school that were outside the mainstream. I’m still friends with them to this day [it’s been over two years]. The effects, though, have lasted and I only recently stopped self-harming and have relapses into depression occassionally. I still get very scared in crowds and school freaks me out. One of my worst tormentors is in my science class, and I can’t handle being at the same table as him. I get panic attacks sometimes, and sometimes can’t go to school.
I guess the lesson would be that no matter how small the bullying may seem, it can have permanent effects. Bullying is NEVER okay. And anything that someone does that makes someone else feel worthless is bullying. It doesn’t matter if you’re making fun of someone who’s popular, not popular, a “prep”, a goth, straight, gay, white, black, it DOESN’T MATTER. So even if you think the way someone dresses or acts is stupid, don’t make fun of people. Because it can have much more serious effects than you think. And now that schools are paying more attention to this now [thankfully] you can be arrested for bullying.
To victims of bullying:
The most important thing, I think, is to not believe them. If they say you’re worthless, that is NOT TRUE. Because that’s what stopped me from trying harder to tell authority figures, the fact that I believed I wasn’t worth it. Bullies are not picking on you because you’re you; they’re picking on you because they need to feel superior. I know everyone says that bullies only do it because they’re insecure, but really, they are. And they project this onto you, wanting to make you feel as insecure as you do. Don’t let them have the satisfaction. Keep the thought that you are unique, you are special, you are amazing, you are you. And they cannot bring you down.
Secondly, TELL SOMEONE. The importance of this cannot be emphasized enough. DO NOT TRY TO DEAL WITH IT ON YOUR OWN. You could end up getting seriously hurt. And as good as you think it would feel to finally punch that bully in the face, it would not feel as good as you think. You’d be sinking to their level, you’d be giving them the satisfaction of a reaction, and you’d probably get in more trouble for it than they would for the bullying. [That being said, if you’re being attacked physically, by all means DEFEND yourself, and if you get in trouble for it just calmly repeat that you were defending yourself, and if you still get into trouble with school administrators then I would press charges, because that is utterly unfair.]
Talk to an adult you trust. Just going to any old authority figure doesn’t always get anything done. Just because someone is the principal doesn’t mean they’ll listen to you. Go to someone that you trust and feel that they’ll do something. As someone else said, look for the alternative or “different” teachers. Art teachers, band teachers, special education teachers. Go to a teacher that you are friends with, go to your parents if you trust them, go to a police officer you know. It is very difficult to tell someone you care about that you’re being teased or bullied, but it needs to be done. They will do something about it. If you tell a teacher that you’re being harassed/bullied and they don’t do anything about it, that could be grounds for legal action, and most teachers know that. You have the right to feel safe at school.
Find something [HEALTHY] to occupy yourself with. Get interested in music, learn to draw, learn a foreign language, become really good at running. It can help you cope, and will give you something really interesting to know, and when you get out into adulthood and college/the workplace, chances are that people will find you unique for this and will want to get to know you [even though bullying does occur in the adult world, most people who are mature adults realize that being “different” is actually really, REALLY COOL :D]. What I eventually got interested in is listening to lots and lots of music [and learning various instruments] and continuing with my art hobby. Now, when I get upset or feel like I can’t deal with stuff, instead of reverting to self-harm, I plug in my CD player or paint. It provides a healthy release of emotion.
Thankfully, now I proudly display my differences, wearing black baggy clothes if I want to, telling people if they ask that I’m a proud Wiccan, letting people see that I’m reading old fantasy-genre books or manga, acting like a boy if I want to, and telling people if they ask that I was a victim of bullying. I hope to one day become involved in advocating against bullying and helping teens with depression. For now though, I just don’t let bullies get to me, I try to be nice to people*, and if I see someone being bullied, I try my best to get over my initial fear of having them turn on me, and tell them off for it.
*On another note, something interesting that I try to do: To counteract the negativity that bullying causes, every day I try to say three SINCERE compliments to others. If I see a girl wearing shirt that’s really neat, I’ll say it to her, and oftentimes it makes people smile. It really does make people feel good to be complimented sincerely, and I’ve been doing it for so long that it just comes naturally to say nice things to people, and often I say more than my goal of three a day. Try it. It makes you and them feel even just a little bit happier.
Two more things [I apologize for sugh long posts]
1. It is NOT YOUR FAULT if you’re being bullied. People will try to tell you this, especially if you are “different” [ie goth, openly gay or bisexual, tomboyish, etc, anything outside the mainstream]. They will say that you’re “asking for it”. That is untrue, and very very rude and unenlightened of the people saying that. Just because you have the courage to be yourself doesn’t mean that you deserve to be bullied. NO ONE deserves to be bullied, no matter how “different” they are. And it is not your fault.
2. Don’t change who you are or how you dress just because bullies tell you to. That’s giving them what they want, and besides, if you dress and act like someone you’re not, then the people who would be attracted to the inner you wouldn’t try to get to know you. If you are true to your personality, then you’ll make some very lovely friends who will be friends with you because of who you are, not the image you project just because someone bullied you into thinking you weren’t good enough.
Hi there Gothic Teacher. My name is Mark Parry and I’m an Asperger poet. I am 40 yrs old and spent my childhood being bullied. It’s wrong to bully anyone. Especially if that person chooses to be INDIVIDUAL. I also hate emotional blackmail/bribery of any kind. I have just had my Social Inclusion group taken away from me. But I refuse to be put down by the world. I love all Trad’ Goth music. I also love dark art and graveyards. Graveyards are so beautiful, when they are covered in snow. I also do a lot of reading up on Goth too. I liked what you said about Goth Is Something You Grow Into, not out of. We have a blacker than black humour. I agree with you on that. Not all Goths take drugs/drink or cut themselves. That would be stereotyping. I already have some Gothic Followers to my Blogs. Goth is also about Progress.
it is far better to be hated for who you are then loved for who you are not. the world is full of enough lies already, right?
but still, bullying does not make any of this easier. people can be cruel and apathetic, even downright evil, but through it all you need to stay strong. through it all you need to love yourself for who you really are inside. with all your imperfections, you can do anything.
if anyone is reading this and they feel like they can’t even see anything they like about themselves anymore…it’s okay. we feel like this from time to time. it’ll pass, just believe in yourself. it was hard for me sometimes, but i did it. and my friends really helped, too. so, stay strong.
I’ve been bullied before, but it’s gotten really bad this year. Almost everyone in my math class (which I have every day) has something mean to say, and the ones who don’t ignore me. I was wearing a lolita dress that I loved one day, and by the end of the day, I just wanted to change into jeans and a t-shirt to blend in! They pick on my green-and-black hair, too…even though my sister’s hair is bright pink (she’s “scene”) and they all love that. Some people are just uncreative and restict their rudeness to “you’re f****ng weird!” and such. Also, I have a pair of amazing stompy boots that people say make me look kinky and like a slut. However, I’ve got some amazing friends…they love my boots and cosplay. 🙂 It’ll get better?
Its awful that people would do such hateful things. Bullying sucks. But I got myself in a lot of trouble after a reaction that I had made to a girl. She had tried to slap me, and I high-kicked her in the face with my combat boots and busted her nose. I don’t recommend doing that, I got out of school suspension for a while and it was really hard, because the girl I kicked was really popular at my school. So don’t resort to physical violence guys and girls.
Yellow goths
Umm well I don’t know really what to say it makes me sad to think that people are that mean.I don’t know if you would really call me gothic but I love it.Yes I wear blak but I wear other things to it just I can’t alway wear it because of class I am takeing.But I do know that I have been made fun of for year it started in about 2 grade and I’m in 9th know. It started out being just not like other kids and went in to your Weird,Freak,Gothic,Emo just cuz I was wearing blak alot and well some other mean things to but I’m not going to put thoes.And the new thing is Witch they say I kill cows and do spells ooo scare right? Well I just didn’t talk to them and just let them be they still say stuff but not to my face thoe.I all so stood up for myself(even thoe it was really hard for me) but I did it anyway and it worked.
Thanks The Lady of the Manners
You really have been a big help with your book thank you very much.
DedicatedDarling said it right. It’s not your fault. Dearies, people try to put the blame on people even on rape situations. Have you heard that one before: “Oh, with such a tiny dress, she was ASKING for it”?
Guys, no harmful situation like bullying (and that’s not just when people beat you up. Being bothered everyday like people saying “there goes the Bat-girl”) CAN’T be your fault. NEVER. Did you put their fists on your face? No, they beat you up. And that’s not your fault. People just can’t understand the other’s pain so they little care abaut it. This is wrong. Keep looking for someone who take you seriously and ASK FOR HELP.
It’s so awful that some people need to bully others… because I believe that for such people, bullying is a need. In order to rid themselves of their own suffering/inhibitions/insecurity, they try to make others suffer.
I’ve been attracted to anything creepy ever since I was little and I’ve been a member of it openly for four years. When I was a little kid, people just laughed it off in a sort of “Haha ! You’re so cute !” way but when I embraced my inner Goth fully, things turned rather serious. My so-called friends started rolling their eyes at me, some people called me a Satanist because I liked items from ‘The Nightmare before Christmas’ and when I changed schools, although most of my classmates had become used to my “weird” tastes, there was a specific boy who’d bully me. At first he’d shout “Emo ! Punk ! What do you want me to call you ???” or “Vampires don’t sneak out of their coffins so early” and stuff like that. It hadn’t really reach physical assault though. Only one time, he tried to tear my red extensions off my hair but I used self-defense (I’m sorry, my Lady, I know this is against your teachings, but I couldn’t do otherwise…!!!)
However, when the “bullying” came from my parents, I have to regretfully admit that I locked all my clothes away in a box… 🙁 And you know what the frustrating thing is ? That the bully now ignores my existence, as if he can’t even recognise it’s me.
Even so, I still believe myself to be a Goth. Clothes don’t make people anything after all. And this is something that those bullies should learn too.
TELL SOMEONE. A parent, trusted teacher, religious leader, friend, counselor, anyone. DO IT. In elementary school, I was tall for my age, and a tad eccentric for a ten-year-old, so an older boy thought that he could belittle and hit me whenever he wanted. When I made it clear to him that such behavior was NOT okay, he tried to light me on fire with a lighter he found on the ground. The lighter didn’t work, so the teacher I told said that it “wasn’t a big deal.” I told my parents. The boy never bothered me again.
In high school, when I was had some problems with a teacher (for some reason, I could do no right in her eyes, even though I was a straight-A student and never misbehaved) I had a wonderful group of friends who helped me through it. They loved (and still love) me for who I am, and were my lifelines through some incredibly difficult times. You don’t have to carry this alone! Remember that you are a human being, and deserve respect, love, and the ability to feel safe.
Find joy in your differences- they’re part of who you are, and make life more interesting. Never be ashamed to be yourself- it’s the bullies who should be ashamed.
Besides, just think- in a few years, they’ll still be the miserable people they are today, and you’ll be happy. That means that you’ll win. It was certainly true for me. The (blessedly few) people who bullied me in school are still sad individuals who derive their self-worth from making others miserable, while I’m happily skipping through life in my combat boots, baking cookies and reading Poe’s (incredibly underrated) science fiction stories.
Good luck, my dears! Remember that you’re not alone!
To all those who are currently being bullied, my heart goes out to all of you.
From my experience, I’ve felt the most secure when I safeguarded myself with friends or even simply some people that I trust. The best thing about not being alone is that:
One: If someone tries to bully you, you have a group of people around you who, along with yourself, can stand up for you.
Two: Also, if someone tries to bully you then you will at least have some witnesses just incase the “Adults” won’t listen to one individual.
and Three: Have people with you will help boost your confidence a little if it’s lowered, because having people there for you could really help you raise your sense of self worth.
And I’m sure all these commenters have said the same–You cannot let yourself resort to violence. Even though it hurts that their hurting you, fighting back will only give them an excuse to continue. If they are putting you in serious danger and there isn’t someone to defend you then….then…Defend, but never resort to an Offensive attack.
And please sweethearts, remember that (even though it’s all online and you can’t see us) there is a whole gothic community who’s really “got your back” and understands and can and will provide support.
I really wish the best for you all,
Bulling hurts but it can be stopped.
Heyy I know exsactly where these girls are coming from. In my last year of school i couldn’t get on the school bus anymore because there were threats of being stabbed and other awful things being sent to me via networking sites or letter put in my class work. I was beaten up by gangs of boys on atleast three occations because i listened to music that was “Weird”. I didnt dress any different to anyone else at school cause we had uniforms but the music was enough to set them off. I left school early because it got to the point i couldnt breath. Even the teacher discrimanated against me because of my music. Now im in college studying art at 17 which is something my teachers told me i would never be able to do and i love it. theres so much more acceptance in the the creative industry because everyone one is alittle crazy 🙂
All i can say is stick at it thosse bullies are insecure and they dont know what they are talking about. In the end not reacting makes you the bigger person 🙂
When I was a young girl I was tormented very badly and it seemed like nobody would help me. A few stand out points:
-a new girl at my school said she loved The Cure and asked to borrow my favorite cassette tape (wow I’m old huh? Cd’s were to come out the next year but I digress) I was so happy to think I might have made one single solitary friend finally. Happily I gave this girl my tape to borrow and I received it back the next day, jammed up into my locker with the tape(ribbon?) tore out of it balled into a tangled mess. I then realized this girl was already friends with other kids and it had become her “right of passage” to do something cruel to me to gain popularity.
-walking home and having burdocks(sp?) flung into my hair from behind while people called me names
-One day in class I heard a girl behind me say “Dare me to?” just seconds before a large hardcover music textbook hit my back. The kids laughed as I tried not to cry and blood literally started to seep through the back of my shirt, another girl pretended as though she were speaking like a fashion designer and made comments of how the blood completed the Goth’s ensemble. The teacher pretended he saw nothing and gave me a detention when I walked out of class to try to go take care of my back. I didn’t know what to do, everyone had always tell me to ignore it when people did something horrible to me so I stopped the bleeding and went to my locker to get my jacket to hide the blood stain and finished the day of school. When I got home my mother took me to the hospital where I was given 2 stitches and a joking nurse saying “kids will be kids huh?” and my mother agreeing.
-A girl in my class would occasionally for no reason at all walk up behind me and slap me to try to antagonize me into a fight, sadly this girl had been a friend of mine just weeks before, until she realized nobody else was. She then, like the above mentioned girls had to do something to me as their right of passage. Finally after taking enough and having no one to help me I stood up and threw a punch, well haha, I was not well versed in how to throw a punch being the non-violent sort and ended up receiving a black eye and a bloody nose before teachers “Broke it up” and gave us both in school suspensions. The girl who did this was then pointing and laughing for days and saying with pride “i did that”
-When my absences from school started to increase and my grades went from straight A’s to straight D’s and almost F’s instead of teachers asking me what was going on, or listening to me when I said “i’m afraid to come to school” the principal would take me a side and belittle me telling me that he knew that this was just an act of my laziness and that it wouldn’t be tolerated. After a few of these seasons I realized the sooner I cried and apologized the sooner the principal would let me leave his office, something that originally took an hour and a half to do.
-One day I left school in tears (i do not remember the reason as to why) and remember my father saying after 5 minutes of listening to it on the ride home “would you quit your blubberin'” and I knew from that point on that nobody in my home was going to listen. Please don’t think my parents didn’t love me, of course they did, they just didn’t take the time to fully understand what was going on and when they did listen to some of the things I told them, they caulked it up to “kids being kids”
I felt very alone through my middle/high school years. I lived in a small town, the school was a middle and high school combined so there was no escape when transferring from middle to high, it was all the same 300 or so kids. The thing I tried most to do was to just simply be invisible. I didn’t try to make friends, i didn’t try to make my presense known in anyway, I tried to just go to class, get through it, get home. But because I was the only goth kid and I was slightly overweight, I wouldn’t go so much as to say fat, more “athletic” without the athletics, I was the one that everyone deemed they didn’t like. You know how when 9/11 happened and the whole world came together over one vicious act, even people that didn’t get along bound together? That’s how I felt, every click in school, even kids that did not associate at all would come together for a good ‘GothRoast’ at my expense.
I’ve since talked to some of the kids from those days and the question I always ask is “You never did anything mean to me, but you always stood beside someone that was, why didn’t you ever do anything to stop it?” and I never get a clear answer but I knew it was because they were afraid they would become the target so they kept the “better her than me” mentality and did nothing. I did receive a message on facebook a while back from a boy who was incredibly cruel to me back then (he knew I had a crush on him, asked me to meet him after school for a ‘date’ stood me up, hid and took pictures of me sitting on a bench crying when I realized what had happened and then posted the pictures all over the shcool the very next day…bear in mind many a teacher saw these and didn’t even take them down or try to find out who did it! I had to choose to belittle myself by taking them down myself or allow them to remain, I ended up going to the janitor on lunchbreak and asking him to take them down for me, which he did. I loved Rex he was a great guy, and he knew who T-Rex, Bowie & Mott The Hoople were when I had teasingly nicknamed him that saying “man i dont need teachers when i’ve got t-rex” as he helped me with my homework one night when I had detention.) This boy, now a man, tried to apologize for his actions but his excuse was that “i was young” but I found that hard to accept because, hey, so was i!! But I didn’t do those cruel things to climb a social ladder, or even to dig into the dirt under the ladder so to be protected.
The effects these kids had on me was lasting and some quite devastating. My parents would find themselves saying things like “you go ask! you’re not shy!” when I’d try to hide behind them instead of do something for myself. Because before these kids got their grips on me I had been a very confident happy creative and charming girl but became a very withdrawn, shy adult, the term used today is clinically depressed w/social anxiety. I made friends anywhere I went, not because I tried but because people would describe me as a contagious personality. Within a year, these kids would make me feel like an infectious disease, “call the CDC theres been a goth outbreak in sector 7!!”
When I was 19 Columbine happened. I had since moved and graduated and had genuine friends that I enjoyed being with and I remember very clearly as more information started to trickle in as we watched this horrible act of violence unfold revealing that two bullied teenagers had been the cause of this, my friends were condeming them and I looked at them and very matter of factly reported “what they did was wrong. But if I could hug them I would.” my friends looked at me with utter shock and slight disgust so I continued, “The only difference between them and me is that something broke in them that didn’t break in me. I could have been a school shooter.” Revenge was a constant thought in the back of my mind as I spent years of being made to feel small and horrible for nothing, I can’t even say it was for being myself, because is a dress truly who we are? and that is all they ever knew about me…the quite girl in a frilly black dress and combat boots. Do I condone those kinds of acts? NOT AT ALL! Loss of life especially young is always tragic. But I can tell you what kind of pain they probably felt that led them to it and can find sympathy for them as well as their victims.
Right now, present day, I am 30 years old and am currently going through a situation of adult bullying – my landlord is friends with our upstairs neighbor, they(the ppl from upstairs) broke into my apartment while i was asleep, teling me “the landlord gave us permission to enter to tell you to move your car for the plow truck”, I had no choice but for my own feeling of safety to call the cops and file a report so that this behavior would not happen again. Within 24 hours I was served an eviction notice and a notice was left on my car stating that my privilege to park in the drive way was ‘revoked’. I know that these actions were not taken against me because I hadn’t moved my car in time for the plow, it was moved at the same time as the others in the driveway. It was just a retaliation because I stood up for myself, when wronged. – The person I am today knows that I could fight this situation and win or I could walk away. Of course every ounce of my pride and dignity wants to stand up and say “I will NOT let you do this to me.” but then I ask myself if I want to stay in a hostile environment, if I want to be around people I don’t like and feel unsafe or if I would rather move to the vacant apartment adjacent to my bestfriends and feel love, safety and happiness. And it’s then that I realize that walking away is not always allowing someone to take a piece of me, it’s allowing me to take that piece of me with me before they claim it. Sure it burns me up that i’m going to move across town and they are going to have a chuckle about how they “bullied me” out of my home. But who wins? I do. They have forced me to get off my toosh and make a change in my life that will ultimately lead to me being happier. And after all I’m not completely leaving a dead dog to lie, once removed from the situation there will be a couple court dates to settle a few matters that I can prove the landlords wrong doings and win.
I don’t think that running away is a solution. I don’t think that violence is a solution. But what I do think that everyone who is being bullied should keep in mind no matter how hard it is at the time, is that as you, My Lady, have stated, these people are trying to feel powerful through control and it’s not that you did anything wrong. DO NOT ever give someone the power to hurt you because you control that. It took me a very long time to reclaim my independence, confidence and sense of self after high school but I am GRATEFUL, yes I said grateful, to them because they taught me a lesson earlier in life than some, how to not let others take advantage of my greatness. I am a wonderful person who is loving, caring and giving sometimes to a fault, i am rare in this world and the people that love me have with them always a little secret within them that they hold the love and friendship of the rarest sort. I am not an “everybody’s friend” type. I am not mean to others, but I certainly am not everyones best friend. I choose my inner circle wisely and as a result have a wonderful support system and friendships that are immeasurable by any amount of money.
If acts of physical violence or something is happening to you that makes you feel unsafe. Make sure you go up the ladder until you find someone in authority to listen and make it stop. teacher, parent, coach, family friend (i had many second moms via means of my mothers friends), principals, or cops) whatever you need to do, do it and be protected and safe.
If acts of verbal abuse are being cast down on you, the way I have found to deal is (not to their face of course, this is for your personal benefit) look at them with the same judgmental eyes and find your own way to cope with them. For example, my landlord is a fat pudgy man that literally yells and belittles people. IF you ask him to pay your rent a week late he’ll say “i’m not your father i’m not going to adopt you” etc. He does mean(and illegal) things to exert his power and when I take a step back from how frustrated he makes me I laugh because all I see is Vernon (Harry Potters Uncle) and then I laugh hysterically and want to feel bad for him. At the end of the day I know I am a strong and beautiful person and that poor man has to be Vernon for the rest of his life, no wonder why he’s so disgruntled haha.
The next time a popular girl says something mean to you look at her and say to yourself “wow it must be really hard to be that girl that can’t ever be herself because she has to maintain the image she has created. I have 2 real friends, she has 20 fake friends and probably goes home at night and cries herself to sleep feeling so lonely. (I’ve known many a popular girl in my day that has told me these things first hand. One being a girl who was the most popular, could have been a model she was so beautiful, she had to spend her time finding a perfect blend of loser cruelty to inflict, drugs to do, and lies to create to find time to go home and sit up all night doing her homework so she could graduate a year early so she could get “free” of her cage. Which she did, and eventually came to me in tears and begged me to forgive her for her cruelty and we became friends in our late teens.)
Remember in this world it’s cut throat and high school is just the first dose of it and sadly it is usually the cruelest. We are all just trying to make it and some people will step on others as opposed to admit their flaws or their insecurities of feeling “not enough” and I have noticed very much in my adult years that the times I feel the sting of bulling or someone doing something backstabbing towards me is not because they don’t like me but moreso because they KNOW I am morally higher grounded and THINK their talents don’t exceed mine. People who feel threatened are the ones that can be the cruelest. Remember that and even though it sucks at the time, know that you are probably experiencing it not because you are a bad person but because you are a GREAT PERSON and people fear that.
Lady Venters,
I very much wish that as a young girl I had, had someone to tell me the things you have placed in this blog. You are a smart and wonderful woman that I admire immensely.
Sincerely,
Becks.
“Do one thing everyday that scares you”
“The only power that can be exerted over us is the power we give”
“The monsters are real but their not in your dreams, learn what you can from the beasts you’ll defeat, you’ll need it for some of the people you’ll meet.”
“Intelligent girls are more depressed because they know what the world is really like. Don’t think for a beat it makes it better, when you sit her down and tell her everything gonna be all right”
(p.s. forgive me for not proof-reading this and probably having many a thing that should have been edited.)
Being bullied is not very fun at all. I am no longer in highschool, but I can remember what it was like walking down those halls five days a week as if it were yesterday. It was horrible- you’d get names thrown your direction, people shoving into you- I personally believe it only gets worse in real conservative towns like mine. My particular case got to the point where I had people throwing things at me in class without teachers acknowledging it- which worsened to ice being thrown at the back of my head on the bus home.
Everyone says, “Take it to the teacher.” To be honest, I took it to my parents first, then to a teacher- and if you don’t get results take it to your parents again and have a chat with the principle. Those kids never bothered me much after that- but the principle never told me what he was doing about the situation, which was odd seeming to me- to be honest, I think ice in the back of the head is considered violence against a victim- assault and battery maybe?
So what’s the verdict- take it to your parents, then the teacher, then your parents, before you take it up with the principle. Go up the chain of command until you get the right person to listen. Other students don’t have the right to treat you like an animal. So don’t let them- just don’t taunt attackers- it only makes them more brutal. It’s all about tongue in cheek and you remembering you are better than them in your head.
I am not what someone would call ‘bullied.’ I am insulted and threatened, but only when I have to be close to people enough to be seen.Everyday, strangers And classmates ask if I’m goth or emo or even both at the same time. They spread rumors that I hate my parents, I’m skinny because I eat people and then throw up (?), that I’m an atheist, and I drink blood. They do not come close to physical bullying mostly because I avoid them as best as possible, don’t talk loud enough to be heard (because they twist EVERYTHING you say), and when I am approached by someone who is less than a friend, I reply back calmly. If they show distaste towards me, I smile and (with my large vocabulary) say them as sweetly sarcastic as my mid can find. If they don’t understand what I say, they laugh and walk away like they’re better than me. Do I care? Not at all. They may be better than me—not mentally, mostly, but socially, yes. It’s not as bad as you think because if you choose the glorious Gothic lifestyle, you have to feel Really brave because I KNOW that you understand the risks of proudly being different, and yet, you live your life [I hope] happily. People are only trying to put on a show for their piers to display strength and gain ultimate popularity. It will never end because humans NATURALLY hate or dislike. We naturally have our disagreements with ideas. Don’t blame the bullies, they’re just doing what they know to do. Don’t blame the parents, either.
Here is something that people can try when dealing with teasing about their clothes: agree with them! When a bully trashes your outfit, they expect you to cry, yell, or run. What they ARENT expecting you to do is agree. Okay, so you actually think you look great. So what? You know the truth….it doesnt matter if they do. Here, let me give an example:
Bully: Hey, why do you always wear those ugly green and black striped tights? They make you look like a (fill in favorite insult here).
You: Do you really think so? I really wanted to wear the purple and black ones, but I think they make my calves look fat. Thanks soooooo much for the tip!
Now, from personal experience, it will most likely take more than one time for this to start working. But hang in there and keep it up. Bullies pick on people that they can count on to get upset. If they see that you wont be upset, then they will get confused and bored and move on.
Im an ElderGoth with a lot of past experience in this area. Other hints I have seen here that I recommend: Defending others who are being bullied (they may become grateful friends who will in turn defend YOU), try to hang out with a group of friends (bullies are a lot less likely to approach a group than an individual), and keep your chin up and look to the future. Middle and high school are just brief times in your life….as you get older, you will see that people have much more important things to do than tease someone about what they are wearing!
~NN~
Bat hugs to everybody who(like me) has a lot of problems in school that makes you think that you are a freak, and makes you cry like a little girl. I personly as an 11 year old goth from Denmark don’t know the strange ways of the american school-attitude. I do have an idea of what a b!tch bullies is. The goth subculture freaks my friends and classmates out. Probaly because there are no goths at my school and there is no gothclub or nightclub in my suburb so they have never met a goth before in there home area. I have no problem being a lone wolf but bullies love to pick on lone wolfs. Hate bullies >_<
Hey fellow dark ones! I felt so sorry when i read all of the other emails. Ive been a goth for about a year and am now sooooo happy i discovered the gothic lifestyle i dont know where id be without it. Sadly, thats not excactly what other people think of it. Ive only ever experienced minor bullying, but alot of it. The best way i find dealing with it is to agree with them. For example, i was walking down the hallway when someone shouted ‘freak!’ at me. I responded by saying ‘Really, i would never have guessed!’ Or another time someone shouted ‘Goth!’ at me, so i said ‘How do you do it Holmes?’ xxxxx All my love to my fellow goths and Lady of the Manners, Sharnie.
This is quite saddening: I, too, have been harassed for being who I am. I also was once Pagan, and I am bisexual .. so a lot of these things aren’t quite what the norm are used to.
I went through a terrible bout of depression last year, but know I’m feeling much better.
Bullying is very .. upsetting. No one – as the Lady of Manners pointed out – should be bullied. Yet again, the people who bully me at my school often do it because they dislike themselves. I’m actually concerned about the bullies in my school, due to their low self-esteem.
Don’t listen to them. They just want to make life worse. Why does their opinion matter? I like to occupy myself with something else, or maybe compliment them as surprise. You never know.
There’s at least one person out there that loves you. That counts myself, who is commenting on this in the first place! You all are strong and unique people, and we all have gone through a lot of battles due to who we are.
Keep safe, and lots of love!
–Tenebris
I have never been really bullied, even when I was in middle school and getting into the goth lifestyle. I’ve gotten plenty of scathing looks from other people. When I got into high school, I started getting more obvious about my style. Luckily I go to an art school where diversity and noncomformity is accepted. And yes, I am very happy. 🙂 Despite this I still get the occasional odd look (or worse) from people when I go to the store or theater.
It gets way better after high school. In college people don’t give a crap about how you dress. They care more if you’re a nice person overall. Four years of crap, and then the rest of life is better. Think of it as hazing.
I had the unfortunate experience of being bullied throughout my life, by both teachers and students. It was never physical, always emotional. I suffered so much throughout high school. My art teacher was awful… He was both sexist and racist (favoring males of color while I am a white female) and told me that all my art “didn’t work,” but would never give me a valid reason why. He gave us assignments that were specifically designed to single me out. I always just did my work and never made any sort of a scene and soon enough, graduation rolled around and now he acts like I was his best student.
But most of my peers were always (thankfully) supportive of me and the way I like to dress. I faced the “only one in the village” syndrome, but I was always praised for it and told that I was “brave” and “so cool and stylish” because I always wore what I wanted without caring what other people thought and I was always very nice to everyone. But like always, there was always that one person. She hated me because I was well liked in the school and very polite to everyone. She stole all my friends and dated the guy that I had a huge crush on because he had liked me since the beginning of the school year. Then, she would go around trash talking about me and most people would try and set her straight, but no one would ever truly help me. I had no one to hang out with at lunch, no one to talk to in lulls in my classes. People admired me, but they couldn’t talk to me. I solved the problem by not allowing this girl to be a significant factor in my life. I dated that guy that she essentially stole from me and he told me that when he dated her, I was actually a huge factor in their relationship because she was so hell-bent on “bringing me down” that she continuously dumped him for not joining her in trash-talking me and whenever she did, he would tell her to relax because I was nice and never did anything to harm her.
That seemed like a day at the beach compared to college. I met these girls who were my friends for a while.Bbut literally over the course of an hour one night, I apparently did something to make them angry (even though I had done nothing) and they told me that they wanted to kill me. I reported them to the police, just to find that amongst the rest of the school, they are antagonizing me and victimizing themselves despite the fact that most everyone knows that I’m a very kind, gentle person. I am now suffering from PTSD from the incident. I feel like no matter where I go, someone ends up hating me for no reason. But as I think about it, I have come to realize that all these people… The bullies of my life… They all share similar characteristics… They are all weak people who easily feel threatened because of how you remind them of their insecurities. My art teacher could never do the kind of art that I do (anatomical renderings), the girl in high school could never be as well liked in the school, and the girls in college could never have the same drive or creativity. All of them always copied things that I have done and passed it off as their own, all of them insisted that I would never be believed if I spoke out and that the world would favor them over me any day, and all of them see no need for peace.
I know that it’s simply not enough to say that it gets better because even though that may be true, some people just end up always being a perpetual target and the best thing you can do is realize that even though these people say that there is a problem with you, it has nothing to do with your weaknesses and everything to do with the strength and creativity they see in you. It is their own issue and has nothing to do with anything you did to them. It’s hard to deal with and it really sucks, but just as long as you are polite, the rest of the world will see the injustice and know that you deserve none of what you got.
i am in 8th grade and have been goth since the end of 6th grade unfortunately i am dealing with a bit of physical bullying myself at the time, it is very low key luckily but never the less, annoying.
every 2months some prep or jock or whatever will get the idea to come and piss off the outcasts by sitting at our lunch table and making rude comments the entire time (outcast meaning me- the only goth, a gay, a bi, etc.). in early december a group of preppy girls came over and did this, usually we ignore them and act like slobs and yes, i admit it we will talk sarcastically about them like they’re not there and they leave immediately, thinking we’re all insane and that i’m going to send a ghoul after them, or so they say,but this time a girl named leandra(shes the girl who thinks shes gangsta)told the group to stay and shoved her face a centimeter from min and called me a lesbian and that i was just wearing a costume for attention (which pissed me off and i lost my temper, just barely) and i said “look who’s talking little miss gangsta” and they left
well a few weeks later in choir she was seated behind me for the choir concert because the teacher got pissed i didnt bow on time during practice. well when the actual concert was over i started to bow down after finishing our last song and was pushed and nearly fell off the stage head first onto concrete (thank goodness for combat boots) i immediately spun around about to punch whomever i thought was trying to go chainsaw massacre on me, and glared at leandra and one of her groupies pointing and giggling at me falling.
after wards i found my mother in the crowd and told her and we immediately went to the teacher, whom promised o talk to her about it, then she promised again, and again, and again, she is now telling me that shell bring it up b4 the next concert in a few weeks but she said she would in the beginning of january…
i do plan on speaking to the principle about it and to point out the fact it was assault. cant believe i didnt think of that before, me and my friends joke about it all the time… oh well u live u learn.
dont even get me started on elementry school….. being bullied was practically a hobby i spent so much time with it and my family life didn’t help that feeling either…
First of all, I want to give a big digital hug for everyone who feels like they’re treated wrongly – in any way.
Secondly, I think it’s a shame that people just can’t seem to deal with people being different. But, what always helped me through (because, yes, I have been bullied in school as well), was that I remembered myself every day that the bullies were the weak persons in this situation, and not me.
I guess I was lucky being too stuck in my own little dream world most of the time to notice the talking behind my back much, too…
In fact, retiring to your own mind, thoughts and interests might be a good way to help you ignore the bullies… and having a few (even one, that’s all you really need) good friends who accept you for who you are (even if their lifestyle isn’t the same as yours) are SO much more important than the views of ‘the most popular boy or girl in school’.
I always say that the only opinions that matter are the ones from the people in your heart. Try to remember that, in a few years time, you probably won’t even ever see those bullies again.
And if that doesn’t help, turning to a trustworthy adult is, indeed, the best thing to do… even when it seems very difficult to take that step. You don’t necessarily have to go to your school’s principal, go to a teacher/nurse/… you feel comfortable with. There’s always one that has your preference, and it’s most likely for a good reason. Go to that person. Even if it’s just to spill your guts, it can be a relief.
This turned out to be longer than expected, I hope it helps anyone.
Honestly, it always seems like the bullies are jealous. They envy you for a whole bunch of reasons: being better at a subject than them, liking someone they like, or the person they like, likes you. Laugh at them. YES, laugh at them. when they do something to you, no matter how “mild”, smile and start giggling. if your so upset that u don’t want to laugh, think of something funny. It really makes them mad and makes them confused as hell. Plus smiling and giggling are contagious. So, why not?
As much as I hate to say it but bullying will never go away. As a Guy who LOVES the gothic lifestyle we will never liked by the norms. The only way we can express our selfs is if we band together and stand up for our selfs in a nonvoilent way, but if your like me having to go to a “ghetto” school you may have to carry a knife or learn how to fight.
I was a victim of bullying (mostly by people who called themselves my “friends”, ha!) for many many MANY years. To the point where I was sure I deserved it and came to expect it.
Even my mother in a round-about way told me that I deserved it (if I would just behave like a normal teenager, I wouldn’t have these problems). I felt there was literally nobody I could go to. The bullying finally came to a head when an older boy at school threatened me with a knife. It took a threat on my life for my school and family to realize that I wasn’t just whining. I was scared every single day.
In high school, I attended an experimental learning center for half the day, and I feel blessed every day that a place like that was available to me. I was surrounded by people who had been bullied their whole lives just like me. The whole atmosphere of the alternative school was different. People didn’t judge you by what you wore or what your interests were. You were judged by your intelligence and your level of community participation. It was MAGICAL. I went from viewing myself as a total outcast to viewing myself as A PERSON OF WORTH. How liberating!
So it does get better. In the midst of suffering, it’s hard to see hope, but whether the light comes from a circle of friends, a mentor, a religious group or anything else, good will come to you. Please stay faithful that good things can happen.
I hate to hear such stories of bullying going on at school. It tears me up inside. It is already tough enough being a kid in school. I have been Goth for as long as I could remember, I am 19, and for all that time that I have been Goth, I have never, not onced been bullied. And I am an outrageous Victorian Goth, so I attract a lot of attention, and at least to my knowledge, I never recieved a negative comment. I have been a loner all throughout school, so that would have made me an easy target for any bully, but for some reason I was left alone. And do not get me wrong, my schools had its share of bullies. I guess I projected something that said stay away from me.
I do not know if this has helped, me talking about how good I got it, and I promise that I not making fun of those out there that are being bullied. I have no experience in it but I could imagine it is a horrible thing. I suggest, like most of the others with their comments, Ignore it, but be positive about it, and what do you mean by be positive, I mean that you should not let it get to you, do not let it bottle up inside until it eats you inside-out. Be like a rock and let the rain roll right off you. Have a smile on your face and tell yourself that they will never be as great and/or awesome as you, they just take out their frustrations at you because they are jealous at how you are so much better than they will ever hope to be. And if sadly that does not seem to shoo them away, the next best thing is to comfront them, in a calm and orderly fashion. Tell them that their comments and/or actions are hurting you, and yes I know that there are some of you out there who hate expressing their feelings, but maybe it might work. You should let them know that if they do not cease their actions, then you would report them to the school administrators and the police. If by then they do not back off, do as you told them, tell the school administrators, your parents, and the police. Because you are a somebody who has the right to live a happy tormented-free life and nobody can nobody can make you live a life of misery.
Hopes this helps, I really do. Take care.
Have a Gothtastic Day!!!
When at my old school I was picked on everyday because I am goth and i had no friends because everyone thought I was a freak. I would come home at least once a week covered bruses and blood from being beat up on the way home. When I confronted the school about it they did nothing about it and even when my mom and dad came in to talk to the school about it they still didn’t do anything about it. It got so bad it forced to me to start cutting myself which that happened over 2 years ago. I began to carry a knife but not even that scared them off and it was an extremely large knife. After a year of carrying it to school my dad legally bought me a 9mm handgun and a carrying liscence so that I could protect my self. But about the fifth time having to draw it it bully took it from me and used it against me as they calledme a freak and a goth loser. I eventually said enough is enough and transferred to new school and I finally managed to stop cutting about a month ago. But the fact is that the school did nothing about it simply because i was a goth and I didn’t look like anyone.
Before i discovered the Goth sub-culture, i had already been mildy bullied for always being different and slightly on the dark side that which non-Goths don’t see beauty in however after many months i have taken many steps into finally being able to be myself and have my mom somewhat be happy with it. At school, i havent gotten confronted with bullying (yet)but whispers do happen. As the Lady of the Manners says, we have to ignore it and remain polite so we don’t build more stereotypes about Goths.DO NOT FIGHT BACK, that will just make things worst. But feel free to feel sarcastic. totally. And those that have faced harrasment, i want to embrace you and also tell those people to just BUG OFF. and if it does get to a point when horrible physical, then you definetly have to tell someone. Anyone with authority at your school, even your favorite teacher. DO NOT REMAIN SILENT. i will pray for you all and hope for the best.
I was bullied from the age of 8 for, of all things the colour of my hair (I and by the time I got to highschool and started to change my appearance I’d managed to build (metaphorically) a wall between myself and the bullies. You just have to try and let it slide. I find if you just reply with something witty people will generally back off because they simply don’t have an intelligent comeback/reaction. Violence is no answer because generally bullies will attack in groups whilst your alone. Defend yourself if necessary but don’t go putting people in hospital because your the one who ends up with an assault charge and the bullies can just sit back and laugh then.