Hello Snarklings! The first lesson at Gothic Charm School for 2011 is going to be about a very serious topic, one, sadly, that the Lady of the Manners has been receiving a distressing number of letters about: bullying. Here, read a small sample of the letters arriving seemingly daily in the Gothic Charm School mailbox:
From Addy Rose:
question: My Lady,
I am writting this letter becuase I am…well, having bully issues. Sad, but true. 🙁 I have been part of the gothic lifestyle for about 2 years now. I am 15 and in 10th grade. And I get picked on, a lot. It hasn’t come to physical problems..but I fear that it will. Rude and threating comments are always being thrown at me in the hallways, cafeteria, classrooms, etc. At first I ignored them, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’ve even shot some remarks back at a girl bashing my black frilly high heels. (It’s not just because she did’nt like my shoes..I could care less. It’s because she’s been tormenting me for years now..I just can’t take it anymore, Lady. Please help. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Best Wishes,
Addy Rose XOXO
From Jayna:
question: Dear Lady of the manners,
I was fully aware that when I became goth I would atract unwanted attteion but I became goth anyway but the harassment has gotten worse. So much. That it has become psyical. I did what you said. I turned to the teachers, but they did not do anything at all.
Thank you for reading this,
Jayna
From Bunni:
My other problem is a girl who actually is physically hurting me, for wearing “weird” clothes. When I was wearing a neon green and black, knee length skirt and black corset/vest a week ago, she took my binders from my hands and threw them in the air, and then pushed me down the stairs. I actually shed blood from my knees. How do I avoid her? By the way, I told an authority at school, but they didn’t believe me, because that girl is a little miss goody-two-shoes/teacher’s pet, who has the school staff wrapped around her little finger.
I’m so stuck. 🙁
Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners wishes she could give each and every one of you a hug, and then visit your schools and tell your tormentors to STOP. The Lady of the Manners has no idea if that would actually help, but that’s her immediate reaction to letters about bullying. Since she can’t do that, she’s going write about it and hope that helps.
Thing The First: No one, and the Lady of the Manners does mean no one, deserves to be bullied. It doesn’t matter what someone looks like, what religion they are, their sexual orientation, their gender, where they live, what books they read, what music they listen to ”¦ there is no reason for bullying. Ever. If you are being bullied and someone says things like “Well, that’s just how so-and-so is”, “You just have to accept it”, or “What did you expect, you look weird or different”, that person is wrong. In the experience of the Lady of the Manners, bullying, at its core, has nothing to do with the target, but is about the bully trying to make themselves feel like they have power over something. Does that make it excusable? No, never. But if you are being bullied, please, please, please try to remember that the bullying is not an accurate reflection of your worth. Cling to that idea, and don’t let the bullies rob you of your hope, your self-confidence, or your future.
Thing The Second: If you’re being bullied, what should you do? TELL SOMEONE. Find a sympathetic teacher, tell your parents or the parents of one of your friends, tell the guidance counsellor, but tell someone. Do not suffer in silence. Because the bullies are in the wrong, not you, and their actions need to be exposed. (If the adult you talk to responds with comments along the lines of the “What did you expect ”¦?” nonsense the Lady of the Manners mentioned in Thing The First, tell them that bullying is harassment and discrimination and that no one deserves it. Show them this article if you think it will help.) But do talk to an adult about the bullying, and try to enlist their aid in getting it to stop. Sadly, they may not be able to, or the reaction may be a Very Special Assembly or Meeting about how Bullying Is Not Tolerated (and we all know how effective those sorts of assemblies are, which is to say not very). But you still need to tell someone, because one of the things bullies count on is that no one will call them on their actions. Which leads to ”¦
Thing The Third: Reactions. Bullies want to make you upset. They are trying to hurt you, and want to see that sort of reaction so they can torment you even more. Which is why the usual advice about bullying is to ignore them, to not give them the response they’re looking for. The Lady of the Manners agrees with that advice, up to a point. The most important thing to remember is (as the Lady of the Manners said in Thing The First) you don’t deserve any of what the bullies are doing to you. So do your best not to get upset, lose your temper, or give the bullies a show. However, if you can manage it, comment on what they’re doing, in as calm a manner as possible. The Lady of the Manners realizes that doing this will be extremely difficult in many circumstances, because getting upset about being bullied and picked on is a completely reasonable reaction, and holding that reaction in is hard to do. But your goal is to make them understand that bullying you isn’t going to get the response they’re looking for, and getting angry and upset won’t do that.
If you don’t think you can pull off reacting calmly toward the bullies, then do your best to ignore them. As the Lady of the Manners said, they want to make you upset, they want a reaction. Do your very utmost not to give them what they want.
Thing The Fourth: Violence. Sometimes (and oh, how the Lady of the Manners wishes it was a rare exception), bullying becomes physically violent. Which is assault, Snarklings. No matter how “mild” it may seem. Pushing, hair-pulling, knocking books out of someone’s arms? That is all assault, and is not to be tolerated. If someone assaults you, go to an authority figure (multiple authority figures, if you have to), and report the incident as calmly and seriously as possible. If you are met with any sort of “Oh, you’re overreacting” response, repeat that what has happened is assault, and must be taken seriously. You may even need to go as far as reporting the assault to the police and pressing charges.
The Lady of the Manners is loath to advocate retaliatory violence toward the bullies. Partially because she doesn’t think it will actually help anything, but mostly because the chances of you getting hurt and blamed for the incident are high. But! If you are in physical danger, defend yourself. Do what you need to in order to get out of the situation, and go to someplace, anyplace, where there are people around, preferably adults and/or authority figures.
Which brings the Lady of the Manners to the thing she feels the most strongly about in all of this: it is everyone’s responsibility to help stop bullying. If people band together and call bullies out on what they’re doing, if people make it clear that bullying is not something to be tolerated and accepted, then it can be stopped. If you see someone being picked on or bullied, say something. Tell the aggressor to stop it, and get other people to help shame the bully into changing their ways. Yes, the Lady of the Manners said shame, because if you are bullying someone, you should be ashamed of what you’re doing.
So speak up. Say something, even if the person being bullied is someone you don’t like or don’t know. Again, no one deserves to be bullied. Ever.
For this particular post, the Lady of the Manners is going to do a very rare thing: she’s going to leave it open for moderated comments. If you have advice on how to deal with bullies, or if you want to share your experiences and tell people that it does, indeed, get better, please do!
Tell someone?
what would you do if your form teacher WAS the main cause of the problem?
That is precisely what happened to me when I was eleven.My teacher indirectly started the nightmare for me.
And I don’t even look ‘goth’.I was just ‘different’.
What’s worse is after I got harassed and bullied and told the teacher,she handled the situation by making everyone stand up and started yelling and lecturing.
And she asked the ‘bullies’ to own up to their mistakes.I specifically named the people of course but the girls denied it.
After class she pulled me aside and accused me of being a troublemaker.Of wasting her time and making her look stupid.
She said she could see from their expressions that they were telling the ‘truth’ when they said they did nothing wrong.She called me a liar even.
On hindsight,I should probably have approached another teacher.Not the one who was giving me so much trouble.
But that is what the form teacher is for, isn’t it?
If you approach another staff member they just redirect you back to the form teacher.I tried it for other issues and problems, only to get redirected back to my form teacher
Goodness it’s horrible what the world has come to. I’ve been in the living the Gothic lifestyle for about two years now and I haven’t had it as bad as these kids. The best advice I can give is to
1. IGNORE them and act like it doesn’t even bother you. They will feel that the effort they put in is just being brushed off.
2. I don’t think carrying a weapon around you is good but maybe try learning some self-defense. One of my friends is pretty hardcore and there was this one boy who kept bullying her. One day he tried to touch her and she ended up breaking his nose.
I’m not promoting violence so if it gets extreme (you might start saying “are you serious” after this bit) tell your parents! They care and will help. Also don’t forget that pepper spray is amazing 😉
I get bullied for a lot of reasons, not so much now but last year it was big trouble. I got bullied for being a Wiccan and a Goth, people would push me over, take my things, even stick notes to my back with stereotypical witches on them. It was horrible. I went through physical and mental hell, I was on tablets so that I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else, I spent most of the year in tears on asleep in bed. I gave a reaction that got me into trouble, I knocked out a boy who called me a voodoo witch, he tried to hurt me in class and the teacher turned a blind eye so I knocked him out (he is twice my size and weight, I am 4,11 I weigh 6 stone, I am 15 years old) Luckily most of the others backed off after that but I still get comments and images and abused in many ways including sexual harrasment. I did not give up, if anything all of that pain I went through made me carry on being what I am and even go out of my way to be different. I tell anyone who will listen that a) I did not and will never go down without a fight b) I wasn’t going through the hell I endured just to give up the things I love more than anything. There is only one thing I love more that being Goth or being Wiccan, my identicle twin sister who had to endure the pain just because she was related to em. She went through that so that I could be what I wanted to be.
DO NOT TOLERATE IT!!! or you could end up like how I was for a while.
Blessed Be
Those stories (and a few of these comments) really hurt my heart because I know what it’s like. I was picked on in middle school and the beginning of high school. I say the beginning of high school because I was getting death threats, which made me change schools. Hell, I still get weird looks and rude comments occasionally (though not when I’m dressed more “normally”, hmmm…). Thankfully, I have never been the victim of physical violence and that kind of stuff really frickin’ pisses me off. People can be cruel, yet look at all of us speaking out against those people. I wish all of you the best! Keep your heads up!
Hi, I’ve always been bullied all through my life always ignored those ppl or just told them calmly their defects they didn’t like it, but it usually kept them off me. It really helps when you hang around your friends that keeps them away also especially if there is a really big guy around, high school wasnt much of a problem for me but it was for one friend, she responded violently towards the bullies or just talked back it helped but attacking them wont help you especially if they are gonna go running to there teachers and they’ll believe them and not you, like in my case when i was in 3rd grade the bully was my teacher, apart from other student bullies. So talking back or ignoring helped for me also the crowd thing act like you dont care at all they hate that
The Lady of the Manor’s advice to not let bullies define your self-image matters to more than your own sanity (although that matters quite a bit!) It’s also the best line of defense. When I was young, I thought of myself as a misfit outcast, and got treated as a misfit outcast. When I learned to think of myself as a loveable eccentric, it floored me how overwhelmingly people started treating me like a loveable eccentric! I mean they did a 180 overnight! I can lector at Mass at my church with leaves braided into my hair all over, and they will praise the reading and tell me how lovely I look! (I am 56 and not a raging beauty.)
Radiating charm and love won’t protect you from everybody, sadly. But it will make it easier for others to leap to your defense. Find as much common ground as you can with people different from yourself, because you will need all the allies you can get.
In fact, establish allies before you get bullied–sooner or later you will need them. Make it a rule to always offer a little more than what’s expected, always add one small extra kindness whenever you can, and you will be amazed at the pay-off. (That Goth couple on Amazing Race, Kent & Vyxin, make a wonderful example.) The fact is, when we aren’t what people expect, we have to put in a bit of extra work to convince them to be glad of what they got instead.
You are precious, beautiful people! I am not a Goth, myself (I’m not sure what category I belong in, frankly; a friend once told me that I always look “tastefully attired for another planet”) which I mention only to make clear that I am not biased when I say that you are wonderful people, who make this a better world by being in it. Because you are honest. You are not afraid to deal with the reality of mortality and all of the other things that scare people, and you do it with a delightful sense of humor and panache. You have the courage to be exactly who you are, and I’d rather have somebody like that watching my back that someone bent with every trend and tide, with no sense of self integrity to attach itself to. WE NEED YOU!
(Excuse the shout–too many kids get bullied into suicide these days.)
Not everyone will appreciate the gift that you are–no one ever gets universal approval. But you don’t need everyone–you just need enough to keep you safe. Do stay safe, dear ones! May Love surround you and protect you wherever you go!
EDIT, PLEASE: The above should read, “…with no sense of self for integrity to attach itself to.” (Point is, I trust Goths and other weirdlings more than others.)
Hi, this one is about hope.
I live in Brazil and things arent different in here. I suffered all my school life with many kinds of violence. Now I’m in the second year of college, and I still hear not so horrible but still annoying things about me, almost all the time. BUT
What I can say is, DON’T LOOSE YOUR HOPE. I was able to handle alone every year in school, my parents didn’t really take it seriously, and told me to just ignore. I suffered more because of that.
When I got in college, I realized it doesnt have to be this way. So I took all my corage and confidence and started to answer to the things poeple say about me, in a very polite but sarcastic way. They got scared, and now I really have fun with that (I swear!)
One of their favorites ‘nicknames’ to call me was ‘Morticia Addamns’ (they thought I’d get upsset with that! Come on, Morticia is awesome!) So, one day, after seing how dedicated I was, my teacher asked me in front of the whole class why I hadnt been elected the class representative. I just said ‘Oh, because I am Morticia Addams, teacher! I’m weird and bad!’and clicked my fingers just like Morticia does. You can imagine their reaction, right?
What I mean is, you will survive that. The scars will make you a stronger and better person because, once you get through things like that, you will never to that to anyone. Once you realize that their oppinions arent important, you become a more secure person, and you learn to love yourself first of anything. Once you accept who you are, the bullies words wont hurt that much.
Also, what you shouldnt forget is: look for the ones who are just like you! People who will understand your feelings and who you are. It doesnt have to be in ‘real life’. Most of my gothic friends I met using the internet. I talk a lot with them and it makes me see that I am not alone. The world is full of gothic and missunderstood poeple, just like me and you. So, give your attention to THEM and not to your bullies.
And a bonus: Sometimes I meet some of my bullies from school in the streets, and that always makes me smile, because I am much better then them, in every way! I mean, the ‘hot girls’ now are ugly and fat (some of them aleready have kids!) the boys are uglier and lonelier then ever. You know why? Because school was their lives, they gave all their atention to what happened in school, whorrying about bothering people like you and me, so they got lost when school was over (really, its true)
So, find other activities out of school, things that you like and make you feel good, BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES AND DON’T GIVE UP. You will get through this, I swear.
OMG I had almost the same experience to what Addy Rose had gone through, but now I’m 17 and I have only been in the goth subculture for 5 and a half years now(sounds really strange but true).
However, I was lucky to get out of mainstream school last year because from 2007, it was the harshest year due to the fact that was the year I started highschool (at the moment I stepped at the entrance of my first day, kids started calling me names and thrown balls of wet toilet paper at me which was really upsetting and disgusting). Through all the way to early 2010, that was my miracle year when my parents finally realised that all the issues I told them were really true (which yet again was harsh despite how long it took them to realise but I had forgiven them)and they finally pull me out of mainstream school and onto distance schooling, after that my life really changed and I have been really successful since 🙂
The school I’ve been to before didn’t offer much education anyway but that didn’t matter to me anymore.
Dear cupcakes:
Like nearly all of the posters on this page, I have suffered extensive bullying. I don’t even have a whole lot of advice that others have not covered, but I will hopefully be able to put my own little spin on them.
1. Make sure you know *for sure* who your friends are. It isn’t hard for the people you were depending on to protect you to become the aggressors.
2. Don’t believe what they say, and don’t tolerate what they do. I have been called a lot of unintelligent things, and for the first fifteen years of my life, I believed them– and oftentimes still do. To compound the issue, I was sexually harassed by a boy and a girl I thought were my friends (see topic 1) before I even really knew what sex was. Not only did this sabotage me in the future when it came time to enter a real romantic relationship (which requires both self-esteem and trust), but it utterly fractured me as a person. It destroyed me, and I willingly let it destroy me– now I’m still feeling the aftershocks.
3. Please, please, please, don’t hurt yourself. Bullying didn’t last forever for me, but the scars that say “whore” and “monster”, among others, are there to stay.
4. Be yourself. They’ll hate you no matter who you are, so why be anyone else? You might even find you become popular.
5. Be polite and smile even when you don’t feel like it. Not just advice towards bullies, but life advice. It’s a lot harder for a bully to abuse someone who made them and the entire class treats after a hard test. (Or, says my sister Katya, “It sure makes them feel a hell of a lot guiltier!”)
6. Find some adult you can go to. It seems that parents are generally a good choice, but realize nothing is fail-proof. My parents, upon finding I had been self-mutilating, automatically insisted my boyfriend had done it. Then, when they found out it had been me, they yelled at me for 45 minutes then grounded me for three weeks. So, needless to say, in my situation I rarely told my parents anything.
8. Don’t disregard any of these comments just because they’re made by adults. If you have ever heard the saying, “Hindsight is 20:20,” it’s true. Even as someone who has just barely squeaked her way into adulthood (and still has the mind of a baking-proficient five-year-old), I know what mistakes I have made and what I’ve done that has worked.
I will stop my jibberjabbering, however, with the knowledge that any reader probably has all the advice they will ever need already. Thank you, cupcakes, for listening to my visceral and possibly altogether unnecessary rant!
Por Siempre,
L Grey
Recently, like, yesterday, the whole math class (yeah, that class is really bad) decided that they should yell at me for being a “freak”. The teacher didn’t do anything about it. Good grief, what is the world coming to, if there are 105 posts about bullying one one website? 🙁
Hi, I’m that girl that wrote the last letter in your post.
I might of forgotten to mention I’m in middle school (7th grade)…
Well it’s been two months since then, and it’s gotten slightly better.
I told another authoritive figure and they listened…
Kind of.
Basically, they put the bully in a different class.
They still bully me in the hallways, but it’s better then being bullied constantly in class.
Class is the more important part, I think.
That’s where the work is done. 🙂
Well thanks for listening. 😀
~Bunni
A bully is a bully. They never change and it is NEVER acceptable. I got bullied many years ago for being a “hippy”. I wore a black armband to school to grieve for my friends killed in Viet Nam. Even the school bullied us by making us go to detention for wearing the arm bands. Be brave.
i was always ‘the weard girl’ so i started getting bullied EARLY – i mean starting in FIRST GRADE early. unfortunently, i was a bit of a crybaby, and my temper was hard-wired to my tear ducts, so i cried every time i got mad as well. i had just come from a private school where i had been to kindergarten, and going to public school for the first time (and having to commute there from another town for the first week because we were still moving) turned out to be horrible. i was artistic, open minded, compleatly non-prejidiced, had no problem talking to the administraters and teachers as though they were my friends, and unfortunatly had many phobias. which to them translated to ‘weard, stupid, had the wrong friends, a problem with athority, but easy to reduce to tears’. i ended up crying every day with whole classrooms of other kids to dread, half the teachers hateing me, i was called every name imaginable, that my clothes dident match and were cheap, that i was ugly and stupid, and someone eventualy noticed my parents were divorced and i was told it was my fault repeatedly. (‘not even your dad could stand you.’) they also played on my phobias – and at points phisicaly asaulted during resess and on the bus.(the worst was on the bus – can you say kicked in the teeth, punched in the side of the head, and a odd mix of gum and blue claydoh smushed in my hair?)but worst of all they knew the one thing that got to me the most. they picked on my little sister. someone even pulled her into a fire ant nest. i had to transfer schools before elementery school was over! i ended up throwing myself into reading and drawing, so at least the art and english teachers liked me. that was right around the time my gothyness was begining to show, with black t shirts and floorlength skirts becoming my norm. and the bullying got worse – for a while. but unfortunately i took care of it the wrong way for years, getting into fights and being blamed for every one… i had a mean streak i mile wide. i almost got expelled – in elementary school! but i figured out somthinng. if you love everthing about yourself (or at least accept it) theyve got nothing. people are allways going to hate you. the more people notice you, the more will hate you.but if someone hates you for somthing you hate, you hate yourself. if they hate you for somthing your proud of, then you can smile, because seriously – who cares? your proud of it! so i came into my full gothyness tward the beginning of middle school,dident get into fights (as much – im rowdy), and now im in highschool and the stuff they try to send my might as well be bug bites. so dont make my mistakes – love youself early!!!!
For all you out there that are still in the educational system:
I am a teacher and a goth. I see bullying too much and, like the ever-wonderful Lady of the Manners suggested, there is help out there. Even if it is a teacher that you don’t know, I would bet money that there is at least one teacher at your school who is a goth or is, at the very least, sympathetic and willing to stand up to bullies. Hello! Just about every teacher was a nerd in school. We got bullied too. We want to help. Find help, even if it is not very obvious where it is.
i understand what you are going though but then again i dint for not everyone experience is the same
i can relate in that i am your age (15) and one of spooky inclined,but i actually did not start dressing this way until after my bullying cases (i never fit in anyway)the only reason i did not dress this way before is because i was scared it would get worst given that my community is black and i am African american ….i have had stuff thrown at me my things messed up physical fights i was even sexually assaulted on a bus by a classmate at a young age not only that recently my mother has been calling me things like slut prostitute and whitch (though i say im wiccan)she always says negative thing about me
people will pull stuff no matter what you do ,you have to keep your sanity …even though i know it hard 🙂
Safety. In. Numbers.
I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world to accomplish, particularly in smaller schools where there may not be many goths, but when I was in high school we did what we had to in order to survive. It sounds like an embellishment, but I went to an inner-city school with a great deal of racial tension and scads of issues with drugs and weapons. We goth kids aligned ourselves with the rest of the school’s small groups of outcasts, so rather than 15 goth kids against what seemed like the rest of the planet, we had goths, punks, skaters, band nerds (a term I use lovingly… those band nerds were some of my best buddies <3), and even a few skin heads. While we often disagreed about things, we always had each other's backs. We hung out in large groups, most of the time, so any time there was an incident, there was no shortage of witnesses.
Also, try to avoid getting into any sort of actual trouble (cutting classes, etc.), because it makes you more credible when reporting an incident.
The most unfortunate occurrence of bullying I've ever seen was perpetrated by the school itself. That's right, I said it. Someone made a terroristic threat against the school, and my trenchcoat loving, combat boot-wearing friends were the prime suspects. They turned all their cameras on us, and as a result they failed to capture several violent assaults on other students across the street. The positive side of this is that the security team's failure to excersize any kind of sense had virtually every student in the school up in arms. We organized a protest, during which probably 75% of the school wore only black clothes and silver jewelry until the school agreed to stop their discrimination. People had a lot of fun with it, actually, and since a lot of people didn't have all that much black clothing, we wound up making a lot of new friends lending clothes out that week. We goths were a hot commodity for a little while there.
Try involving the parents of other students who are being bullied. My own mother didn't have much of a reaction because she theorized that I brought it on myself by being "so strange", but a friend's parents were quite perturbed by the situation. Her parents approached my mother, and it motivated her to at least acknowledge the problem. She still wasn't monumentally helpful, but it did make her realize that it wasn't an isolated incident, and more importantly, that it wasn't my fault.
…of course I started Kindergarten as a chubby redheaded girl with short hair, freckles, and a boy's name, so being bullied was old hat to me by the time I embraced the lifestyle.
What saddens me about my high school years wasn’t that I was bullied about being a Goth, which for many years I didn’t notice in myself because I was one of those nerdy, ASD guys who wouldn’t have thought of himself as very “Goth credible” since I had a terrible sense of fashion and had little to no understanding of the actual music involved because I just… didn’t find the music scene at the time very friendly to newcomers.
I was once bullied though, by a bloke who CLAIMED to be a Goth.
This happened when I was walking around the lockers, as you do, and I see this guy reading a Fruits Basket manga, he had dyed black hair with brown streaks as I recall – but when I asked him “Hey, you enjoying that Fruits Basket?” – he shoved me very violently and told me “Go make out with your cardboard girlfriend” – which was the stock standard reply for insulting people who were actually aware of what actual anime/manga things existed in reality as opposed to osmosis parody.
This was a bit hurtful to me, as I’d once had a crush on one or two anime girls but in the end decided they couldn’t love me as a real woman could. What made it worse was that I didn’t exactly have luck with real ladies either.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is where things got messy?
No. This is the part where I somehow managed to verbally kick bully ass with a recently developed internet meme you may remember as the “Christian Baleout” – which at the time was all the rage having been discovered the previous day.
I laughed, even as his words hurt me, maybe it was that I was slightly bigger than this guy, or that I’d spent the weekend before this day reading the entirety of Osamu Tezuka’s Buddha manga all the way through – but I said to him with a smirk, “We are f***ing done, professionally.”
He shoved me again, and he yelled “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” – to which I repeated, “We are f***ing done, professionally.”, before I laughed again and ran off before he could catch me.
I never saw that boy again, and it was a pity he was so mean because my association of the term “Goth” was tainted for many years by this horrible parody of man, a cynical and cruel teenager who teased a guy who was older than him but he considered retarded because I was on the Pathways program and thus did high school for longer.
But because I didn’t lay a hand on him, and there were witnesses, I never saw him again. It was as if I had Zenned him out of existence. Ever since then I had both respected and feared the latent power Osamu Tezuka manga like the Buddha series hold within them, for they teach messages about why the author would rather die than condone war and stuff.
But yeah, this bad example of a Goth bully put me off even researching the Goth thing for years, I see elements of myself in the culture but because I saw myself as uncool and geeky I never embraced the music or the fashion or anything else Gothy that I had the potential to become.
And now I go to an art school that used to be a mental institution. I call it “H.P. Lovecraft’s Playhouse”. None of my hipster coworkers get the reference. Sigh.
@Sarah SknoDeth Your situation seems very serious and I beg you to get help, be it from another family member like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent, or even a family friend. Worse comes to worse, there are many hotlines and counselling centers that can maybe help you with your situation if the school’s administration isn’t helping.
Honestly, if you were to just take pictures or maybe even videos of what’s been happening, you could easily get many of those kids arrested for assault and attempted rape. You have no idea how badly your story upsets me and please, please get help.
Hi. I”m a Goth and a senior in college and have just recently had an episode of bullying. Someone in one of my classes took a picture of me and posted it on facebook with the comment “who dresses like this?’ in effect inviting people to make fun of me. I reported it to the dean of students and the person is being given an official warning about Student Code of Conduct and is also being told that any further incident could result in a disciplinary hearing. I encourage anyone who feels that they are being bullied to report it as soon as it happens. Bullying even happens in college and in the so-called “adult” world, and it should not be tolerated. People will listen, make yourself heard, and above all don’t let the ignorant ramblings of other people lower your self-esteem. The key to this subculture is to be comfortable with yourself.
The Lady is right. Ignoring the bully is definitely one of the best ways to start dealing with them. I had bully problems in high school. But I managed to keep them at bay with honest and open communication. Throwing snide remarks doesn’t send the same message as “Interesting input, ma’am. I wonder what your parents would think of that” or “Thank you for that, I’ll be discussing it with a lawyer later.” It may seem a smidge snobbish but it was rather effective in most cases. At that age, bullies are mostly cowards who can’t deal with their own issues. So threatening them with such things may do the trick.
Good luck guys. Remember you’re special.
Sincerely,
Ashley
Great piece of advice 🙂 it really helps.
Hearing these stories makes me want to cry for the nasty things people feel they have to do to make themselves feel better. I count myself very lucky, I’ve rarely been commented about by people who think their ‘all that’. Hearing these stories also lets me know how sheltered I am, HUMAN BEINGS are being harassed and I can only imagine how it could possibly feel or what I would do.
But I would reign down on any bully with all the peaceful tactics I could find, and that’s what I think any victim would do, goth or otherwise.
ive been bullyed my whole life ive never rilly waer alot of black and im rilly deprast and was in foster care for five years and was nigelted and abused in foster care i was shot in the haed when i was 3mounts old so im slow and i have hiper active disored and i love goth and emo people there awsome butt why bully someone?
p.s i can’t spell if my life depended on it
for everyone who reads this thanks for lising=-D
I was bullied all though school – right from the start until the last day. Mostly verbal and occasionally physical. I was too timid to stand up for myself and just shrank into the safety of the library. I tried to tell my parents but they were having marital difficulties and with 4 children, they were kind of depressed themselves I guess. I didn’t bother with telling teachers. The people doing it were always teacher’s pets and I knew I wasn’t taken seriously anyway. At 35, I still find it difficult to talk to people I don’t know well. But I have a handful of friends who accept me as I am and because of my past experience I treasure these people more than they can ever know. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?
Unbelievable! I have been goth since 6th grade and have had my fair share of bullying, but never so extreme! That should really be reported to the police. My advice if you are afraid to do so, listen to what people are saying. The ignoring trick really works. Me and my dear friend Tashia have fought our way through high school against people who are always putting us down for our style. The looks, the whispering and even people coming up and ridiculing us. We have actually been called (excuse my language) sluts, whores and even worse just because we are different from teh ‘popular’ group. We just smile and walk away, as if we are keeping some sort of joke from them. It upsets them, but they do leave us alone. If anyone starts trying to say mean things to you, just carry on with what you are doing as if they are not even there, and they will have to leave eventually. But if they are physically hurting you, please please please get some one involved to help you out because that is not ok. And remember, don’t change yourself to make anyone else happy!
If there is one response not to give when being bullied it is violence. I can stand for that because I have personal experience. I was not necessarily bullied for being goth but bullying is pretty much the same no matter what the so-called “reason”. Reacting with violence in a situation where self-defense is not called for will only land you in the hot seat with the authority figures, while the bully is now the victim. And you feel horrible, even if you were very angry at the time. I was bullied over 4 years and I must admit, though it pains me greatly, that I reacted with horrible violence at some points. I hit people and I threw things. And no one suffered from my actions more than me.
please help. i have been bullied for 10 years and im now 14. i havent always been goth its the bullying thats brought me too this but its lovely being goth but ive had enough of the bullying please help me what do i do? i have a mark in between my eyebrows just above the nose bridge and this is why people think they can tower over me. thank you for taking the time to read this please help me deal with this
roxanne XOXOXO
I was made fun of from kindergarten to my last year of high school. Even when I was in elementary school and didn’t wear any sort of clothing that made me stand out as being weird…of course, people made fun of my hair (because it’s coarse and wavy). It was middle school when I started dressing unconventionally and I actually got somewhat popular for a while because I felt good about myself even though some people still made fun of me. As a freshman in high school, I had friends who were seniors and friends who were my age. However, after those people graduated, nobody talked to me for the rest of my grades there.
My band teacher, who used to be very encouraging of me started ignoring me and kids in band made fun of me. I joined choir because I thought I’d make more friends there, but the teacher was a very “wholesome” person who disapproved of anything that wasn’t shiny, bright, and Disney (even though I’m not a BAD person – I don’t lie, betray, or break the law – fierce-looking boots, belts, and jewellery and an inverted cross on my band t-shirt didn’t send a very attractive message to her). People I used to be friends with stopped talking to me, other goths and “weird” people stopped talking to me, and I was basically by myself totally. The first day of my senior year, FRESHMEN were standing behind me kicking me in the butt. To this day, I have no idea what I did to have all that change.
I’m 21 now and just recently getting over how I felt. I’m still re-learning how to socialize in a way that’s normal. Sometimes I still feel like I’m a walking piece of trash, but most of the time I feel like a legitimate human with worth, and I think the next step is learning how to mutually become close enough to someone to have a friendship. My other task for now is trying not to seek attention now that I feel I didn’t get for 3 years of high school – to be interested in other people and the world outside myself.
I just wanna give a hug to everyone out there in the hell we call school. Anyway, I’ve been bullied semi-regularly, and for the most part I returned the favor. If you want to be nice…don’t do that. But sometimes verbally ripping them a new one works wonders for venting and in general to get bullies to SHUT UP.
But, also, as the Lady Of The Manners has said, be polite to them, help them out, give ’em a hug…seriously, it messes with their heads (which is always fun).
For example: A girl I know at my ice skate classes has a grudge against me…I’m not sure why. Anyway when I was in a performance everyone was like “omg! You were amazing!” and she being somewhat of a killjoy said “since I didn’t see you, you were horrible” and all I replied with was “love you too”. Later on I complimented her on her performance and she just stared at me with a WTF expression.
So I bid thee adieu in a flurry of cupcakes and baked goods galore! Loves and kisses,
–The Cupcake Goth xoxo
i absolutely detest bullies. i was bullied in junior school, but then when i went on to the senior school, i discovered the gothic scene. i felt more like myself, and my friends all understood me, which was a great help to have people like that. my parents still think im a bit of a freak, but they cant change me now!
nobody deserves to be bullied, so don’t bully anybody xx
i have been bullied for 9 years and got teachers to try to stop them but none of them worked until i hit yr 9 at which piont i got the head of year nine to have i go at getting them to stop and it worked but there is the odd tease. but guys ive learnt that if you give them a reaction then theyll carry on even if its shut up but if you ignore them then they will stop i promise and i gets you nowhere in life if you worry about it guys take this advice
I hate to say this but sometimes it can even be teachers. I asked for a pass to go to the library after all my work was completed and I had time left, but my teacher flat out refused to give me a pass until I wiped off my dark lipstick or made it lighter. I was absolutely shocked and just stood there holding the tissue that she handed me. She gave me the pass eventually but I was almost in tears by the time I got out of class. I haven’t had any problems with this since I’ve been in high school (this was middle school) but everytime I see a teacher look at something questioningly I have cringed in anticipation of what they will say. Adults are supposed to be there to prevent things like that!
I hate bullying, it’s extremely heartbreaking.You just need to stay strong. It stops, believe me. I know it’s hard to believe and at one point i didn’t believe it but now it’s stopped 100%!!! They used to make fun of me for not eating meat and careing about the earth. But then they grew up and stopped it. So please, People being bullied, DO NOT do anything to harm yourself or others!!! Stay strong, we’re all here for you!! Tell your teachers, tell your parents, tell your cat. Just please, don’t hurt yourself. You have a future ahead of you, freinds and families who adore you, so please stay strong. There is allways happiness at the end and the only way you can be happy is to live and ignore bullies
I am 25 years old and grew up in Oklahoma (that’s in the bible belt) in a small town and anything not the “norm” was extremely bad. Not only was I a Goth but also a Pagan. Now when I was 13 and in Junior High I had maby one of the most tramadic times of my life…. I was in the Weird croud thats not really a croud a all or it wasnt there just like 3 of us that didnt conform and basically we got surrounded by the bullies that had decided that since we didnt “tell” on anyone before they were going to escalate big time. We all ended up in the hospital from being stoned as Witches!!!!! Afterward all of the kids involved were “repremanded” by having 3 day suspensions but my family and I moved. I was asked why I had not said anything before and my answer was like most kids that we were taught not to be “tattle tales” and wasnt it wrong to wrong to do that? I now say that if something is happening it is your responsibility to say something and keep saying it until someone “hears” you because it may not be just you that is having problems with these kids and I don’t wish what I went through on ANYONE!! It is just a matter of time before the names (I was called evil, devil, weird, witch, and many more) turn into life threatining violence.
Dear little goths,
I have benn in your shoes many times, although I wasn’t a goth in my school years, I was in my college years and I have been bullied not even from society accepted as normal people, but from goths too, just of having a poor warddrobe (that was the 1st year only). Anyway, becides telling them to stop, in a calm manner as always, you can tell them that it is not necessary to try to proove themselves through bullying because they will eventually end up alone due to bullying everyone around. If you can manage to put a smile on your face while telling those words, it will be very helpfull for the bully to understand that you are serious but will never fall into his/her trap. At least that is what I did to stop being bullied and it worked for me. Believe me having a smile on your face while dealing with a person who you want to punch is not easy, and for a short tempered person like me, it wasn’t at all, but we must not make people talk about us as if we are criminals, just because we differ from them. Do not accept being bullied, but do not feed their desire for a fight either.
I wish you strenght and wellness
Bride Of vampires
PS: forgive me for my mistakes but I was so furstrated of your stories that I was writting too fast to be aware of what button I press. :S
I like anything n everything that is formulated well… thumbs up you got some good content going on there for sure.
Wow, there’s a lot of comments on this important topic. I can certainly relate since I went to high school in a conservative town in a full length cape everyday! I liked wearing it, so it simply didn’t matter what they called me (I’m sure you can imagine). I wanted to say something that worked for me was simply being a good student. I was fortunate to mostly have teachers that cared about my behavior & school work rather than how I looked, so if I ever had an issue, I had authority figure allies. Listen to the Lady, being polite will take you far!
To all our babybats: I’m trully sorry that you are dealing with bullying. Unfortunately, we as a society will probably never see an end to *all* bullying, but that does not make it less hurtful and that does NOT mean that you have to put up with it.
Not much can be said that hasn’t been already, but I entirely agree with the suggestions of self defense classes. I participated in martial arts throughout my high school years and still do, when time and life permit. I highly encourage everyone to participate in a form of martial arts. Find a school near you that does not try to sell you a contract of “You will be this belt by this amount of time” and I am confident that you will find a good sensei.
In my own classes, we ended up having quite a few other like minded baybats attend, and even though we went to different schools, we always knew that we had each other to look forward to seeing afterwards and on the weekends. My particular martial art style is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, which is easily focusable on bully-attack containment and avoidance, instead of counter aggression. Here’s a link, in fact: http://www.gracieacademy.com/bully_proof.asp This may be focused on one particular location, but if you do some simple research and calling around, I’m sure that anyone can find something close to them.
In my experience in high school, it took two, and only two incidents for the bullies to realize that our “group” was not worth the effort. The first incident incited wild rumors (NOT spread by my friends and I, but bystanders) about my marital arts training (I’m sure everyone can relate on how blown up high school rumors can be), but very minimal physical aggression. The 2nd incident, although 2 years later, was an altercation involving much more physical aggression, which thanks to my training, I was able to handle and feel perfectly in control throughout the ordeal. Not only was I able to call my parents, I wasl *also* able to call my sensei, who was in the area and actually made it to the school *before* my Mother did. The principal quickly changed his mind over who he believed more (goth chick vs star quarterback) and the guy was expelled. Had I *not* had the training I did, I firmly believe that I would have gotten the stuffing beat out of me, by a guy, AND been blamed for it. Needless to say, NO goth kid was picked on in that school since, at least until I graduated. Think what awesome things could happen if in each school an entire subculture, goth or otherwise, could avoid getting picked on simply because of *one* of their population being able to defend against a bully.
The best fight is no fight, but if you *have* to be faced with a choice of defending yourself, be prepared. As my mother used to say, “[Snarklings], I better NEVER catch you EVER starting a fight, but if someone starts one with you, and you can’t get away, you better finish it before they finish you.”
For the UK babybats, I’ll point you to the Sophie Lancaster Foundation, though I’m sure you guys probably know much more about it than I do.
http://www.sophielancasterfoundation.com/
I am so sorry!! Bullying should never be tolerated!! Unfortunately not much seems to help. I carried pepper spray and even used it on more then one occasion. Although most of my problems with bullying came from my mom, who acquired the need to burn my clothes and kick, spit, pull hair and slap. Thankfully though, school doesnt last forever and when you are done college and workplaces are MUCH better!
Hi everyone! It sounds like some of you have
gone through some pretty horrible stuff. I
have never had to deal with bullying, {Maybe because I have been homeschooling,} so I haven’t
had much experience, but I can tell you this: NEVER let a bully know how
you feel. Just say something in a calm voice to them-Like ‘That’s a mean way
to talk to people’ And walk away. Or, better yet, think of some clever comebacks.
Good Luck to you all,
Zoe
Though I may only be 12, (I will be 13 in January)I actually get death threats. Last year, I also got pushed out of a chair during lunch just for sitting down. A teacher actually witnessed that entire event, though that very teacher ended up taking the side of the antagonists. Also, yesterday on neon day, I was wearing gothic fashion because I own no neon whatsoever. Somebody came up to me and said, “What’s your problem?” Oddly enough, this was the person who originally started giving me death threats. Luckily, I left them babbling just by fighting back with words… Okay, insults, but this was funny. Adding on to the anitcs of yesterday, two people started calling me Dracula, ironically enough, I was reading that very book, and another started insulting me in the fashion of a gangster. Ever since kindergarten, I’ve been treated like scum. Now, in seventh grade, it has become worse. Most people in my grade know of my perdicament, and nobody really helps. Even teachers are against me. I forgot about this while typing the hate towards me, but rrcenly, all the guys have found joy in insulting me and my friends by asking to go out with them. One of those people being the death threater. I respond by bringing up the death threats to either the person, or the witnesses, and they deny any act of wrongsoing, as anybody does, as they get away with it if it is done with malice towards me. I have tried to get them to stop. A few teachers have tried to help, but it makes it worse. I would like to be able to say that physical harm has only happened once, but it has been occuring since third grade. Yes, the person in third grade was confronted by everyone, though I’m not quite sure about the chair incident last year. Also, people are constantly taking the book I’m reading and hiding it. Though, that is becong less common, as I perfer to hit them EXTREMELY
Oh poor dears! I get tormented as well at school. I know it sucks (blood. 😛 that is like my catch phrase. Whenever someone says sucks I say blood xD I know I’m weird) anyways this girl said to me “Why don’t you wear colour like a normal person. Honestly it makes you look like a freak.” so I just say keep your head high an don’t let them get to you!!!!
-livy!
I agree with nisa and I feel for her 🙁 I was pushed down at “recess” for I am only a Pre-teen But I am proud to say I’m goth! I get threatened a lot. It stinks. I feel like crying but I just write about NY feelings or play piano or dance/sing and I feel a lot better! Like I said before keep your pretty heads up!!!
Adding to my last comment, last week someone finally listened to the tales of harassment that are painfully true. This almost got to the extent of a protection order. It may result in this, or that evil hellion may be kicked out of school, as this person also picks on multiple people. (These people being three of the other four goths, and my animal-loving friend…) Right now things have died down because all the teachers are watching this kid like a hawk. He even got chewed out for sitting at the table next to the one my firends and I were sitting at. All I can say is, there will always be one perswon who will listen. Hope is somewhat present in every situation…
Well, I posted here a while back, and after growing up a bit and again, dealing with bullies here’s some other advice:
This is going to sound cliché, but IGNORE the bullying unless threats and physical violence are involved. You know who you are, it doesn’t matter what people think.
Yes, it can feel unbearable knowing that it’s you against the bullies (and it can feel like it’s you against the world), however, if you don’t keep trying you won’t survive.
Success is the best revenge, so, let’s be vengeful.
I’ve been bullied recently, mostly because people think I’m “emo” it’s rather annoying but I don’t let it get to me (It makes me want to write up a 25 page report on the differences between goth and “emo”), I just smile and say something along the lines of “Wow, you’re original aren’t you” or “Yeah, right” in an highly sarcastic tone of voice with a smile on my face. I know it may taunt them but I’ve noticed with the people who bully me it’s the only affective way.
Good luck to any one else who’s dealing with bullies ♥
This is probably stuff that has already been said, but ignore bullies as best you can – they are just complete idiots who are not worth it. You are wasting your breath, time and energy if you retaliate. If you get bullied, do tell someone – even if it’s just a friend. Tell an adult if possible, but if you think they will most likely side with the bully, or disregard you, don’t bother. Find someone who will listen – and do tell your parents. Oh, and look up anti-bullying sites, that will have better advice than I do.
One thing not to do, even when you really want to, is to gossip about the bully in school, or even talk about them in anything but a calm manner. It will get back to the bully, or someone who’ll think you’re in the wrong, and make things worse. Only moan to your friends about it if you’re sure the bully won’t hear about it (i.e outside of school, or on private emails).
If you need to deal with the stress or hatred of the bully, try screaming into a pillow, or drawing the bully then tearing the picture op (or flushing it down the toilet.)
One last thing – bullies don’t last forever, they will eventually vanish from your life. Focus on the good things instead!
Scarette x
I was verey lucky in high school. the first month I was there I boy assalted me. he grabbed my breast,and true to what my grand parents taught me. I beat the ever loving out of him. I was lucky though VEREY LUCKY. The princable had three daughters of her own. So I never got physically hurt by bullys for fear of the 5ft. 2 girl would beat the jocks bloody again. and only got a week suspention. Unfortuneatly that didn’t stop the verbal abuse from the girls and one boy who knew I wouldn’t throw the first punch. It was bad I would get physacaily sick and my Dad would blame me for causing it by different. I finailly got put in a school for “trouble makers”. And after that things got a lot better seems I wasn’t the only “freak” grouped in there.If the schools won’t do anything try looking at “alternitive Education” not only are you most likely not going to be picked on as much but you have a smaller class rooms and teachers who will have more time to spend with you. I know a few kids that graduated early buy a year or two. I end this by saying this. Do NOT use violence as the easy answer. If the boy didn’t sexally assault me I never would of hurt him. I was rasied by my grand parents. And many of the things they taugt me will get you arreseted (see I told you I was lucky) Violence is 99.99% not the answer If you tink it is RUN better thought cowardly than end up in jail.