Hello Snarklings! The first lesson at Gothic Charm School for 2011 is going to be about a very serious topic, one, sadly, that the Lady of the Manners has been receiving a distressing number of letters about: bullying. Here, read a small sample of the letters arriving seemingly daily in the Gothic Charm School mailbox:
From Addy Rose:
question: My Lady,
I am writting this letter becuase I am…well, having bully issues. Sad, but true. 🙁 I have been part of the gothic lifestyle for about 2 years now. I am 15 and in 10th grade. And I get picked on, a lot. It hasn’t come to physical problems..but I fear that it will. Rude and threating comments are always being thrown at me in the hallways, cafeteria, classrooms, etc. At first I ignored them, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’ve even shot some remarks back at a girl bashing my black frilly high heels. (It’s not just because she did’nt like my shoes..I could care less. It’s because she’s been tormenting me for years now..I just can’t take it anymore, Lady. Please help. Thank you for taking time to read this.
Best Wishes,
Addy Rose XOXO
From Jayna:
question: Dear Lady of the manners,
I was fully aware that when I became goth I would atract unwanted attteion but I became goth anyway but the harassment has gotten worse. So much. That it has become psyical. I did what you said. I turned to the teachers, but they did not do anything at all.
Thank you for reading this,
Jayna
From Bunni:
My other problem is a girl who actually is physically hurting me, for wearing “weird” clothes. When I was wearing a neon green and black, knee length skirt and black corset/vest a week ago, she took my binders from my hands and threw them in the air, and then pushed me down the stairs. I actually shed blood from my knees. How do I avoid her? By the way, I told an authority at school, but they didn’t believe me, because that girl is a little miss goody-two-shoes/teacher’s pet, who has the school staff wrapped around her little finger.
I’m so stuck. 🙁
Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners wishes she could give each and every one of you a hug, and then visit your schools and tell your tormentors to STOP. The Lady of the Manners has no idea if that would actually help, but that’s her immediate reaction to letters about bullying. Since she can’t do that, she’s going write about it and hope that helps.
Thing The First: No one, and the Lady of the Manners does mean no one, deserves to be bullied. It doesn’t matter what someone looks like, what religion they are, their sexual orientation, their gender, where they live, what books they read, what music they listen to ”¦ there is no reason for bullying. Ever. If you are being bullied and someone says things like “Well, that’s just how so-and-so is”, “You just have to accept it”, or “What did you expect, you look weird or different”, that person is wrong. In the experience of the Lady of the Manners, bullying, at its core, has nothing to do with the target, but is about the bully trying to make themselves feel like they have power over something. Does that make it excusable? No, never. But if you are being bullied, please, please, please try to remember that the bullying is not an accurate reflection of your worth. Cling to that idea, and don’t let the bullies rob you of your hope, your self-confidence, or your future.
Thing The Second: If you’re being bullied, what should you do? TELL SOMEONE. Find a sympathetic teacher, tell your parents or the parents of one of your friends, tell the guidance counsellor, but tell someone. Do not suffer in silence. Because the bullies are in the wrong, not you, and their actions need to be exposed. (If the adult you talk to responds with comments along the lines of the “What did you expect ”¦?” nonsense the Lady of the Manners mentioned in Thing The First, tell them that bullying is harassment and discrimination and that no one deserves it. Show them this article if you think it will help.) But do talk to an adult about the bullying, and try to enlist their aid in getting it to stop. Sadly, they may not be able to, or the reaction may be a Very Special Assembly or Meeting about how Bullying Is Not Tolerated (and we all know how effective those sorts of assemblies are, which is to say not very). But you still need to tell someone, because one of the things bullies count on is that no one will call them on their actions. Which leads to ”¦
Thing The Third: Reactions. Bullies want to make you upset. They are trying to hurt you, and want to see that sort of reaction so they can torment you even more. Which is why the usual advice about bullying is to ignore them, to not give them the response they’re looking for. The Lady of the Manners agrees with that advice, up to a point. The most important thing to remember is (as the Lady of the Manners said in Thing The First) you don’t deserve any of what the bullies are doing to you. So do your best not to get upset, lose your temper, or give the bullies a show. However, if you can manage it, comment on what they’re doing, in as calm a manner as possible. The Lady of the Manners realizes that doing this will be extremely difficult in many circumstances, because getting upset about being bullied and picked on is a completely reasonable reaction, and holding that reaction in is hard to do. But your goal is to make them understand that bullying you isn’t going to get the response they’re looking for, and getting angry and upset won’t do that.
If you don’t think you can pull off reacting calmly toward the bullies, then do your best to ignore them. As the Lady of the Manners said, they want to make you upset, they want a reaction. Do your very utmost not to give them what they want.
Thing The Fourth: Violence. Sometimes (and oh, how the Lady of the Manners wishes it was a rare exception), bullying becomes physically violent. Which is assault, Snarklings. No matter how “mild” it may seem. Pushing, hair-pulling, knocking books out of someone’s arms? That is all assault, and is not to be tolerated. If someone assaults you, go to an authority figure (multiple authority figures, if you have to), and report the incident as calmly and seriously as possible. If you are met with any sort of “Oh, you’re overreacting” response, repeat that what has happened is assault, and must be taken seriously. You may even need to go as far as reporting the assault to the police and pressing charges.
The Lady of the Manners is loath to advocate retaliatory violence toward the bullies. Partially because she doesn’t think it will actually help anything, but mostly because the chances of you getting hurt and blamed for the incident are high. But! If you are in physical danger, defend yourself. Do what you need to in order to get out of the situation, and go to someplace, anyplace, where there are people around, preferably adults and/or authority figures.
Which brings the Lady of the Manners to the thing she feels the most strongly about in all of this: it is everyone’s responsibility to help stop bullying. If people band together and call bullies out on what they’re doing, if people make it clear that bullying is not something to be tolerated and accepted, then it can be stopped. If you see someone being picked on or bullied, say something. Tell the aggressor to stop it, and get other people to help shame the bully into changing their ways. Yes, the Lady of the Manners said shame, because if you are bullying someone, you should be ashamed of what you’re doing.
So speak up. Say something, even if the person being bullied is someone you don’t like or don’t know. Again, no one deserves to be bullied. Ever.
For this particular post, the Lady of the Manners is going to do a very rare thing: she’s going to leave it open for moderated comments. If you have advice on how to deal with bullies, or if you want to share your experiences and tell people that it does, indeed, get better, please do!
If I had any advice to give it would be:
Never get revenge. That is just asking for trouble. An eye for an eye is not the way to go.
Don’t bully the bully either. He or she also has feelings. Understand that they may be uneducated about whatever they are bullying you for.
If you can, try to post fliers or get a school assembly not only to address bullying but to educate people about the reasons people may be bullied.
If nothing works else, if no teachers will help, get your parents, tell other students.
There are cases (recent ones) where someone has been bullied to the point of taking their own life. I beg you to seek help if this is happening to you or someone you know.
If you are depressed because of bullying or ANY reason please don’t let it go unnoticed. PLEASE!
The advice everyone else has given is excellent, so I’ll tell you guys:
It gets better.
I was badly bullied (physical confrontations were limited to being pushed into lockers thankfully) in middle school. In high school I was able to sign up for a lot of music and theater activities, so I spent less time out in the open where a bully could get at me. I still am very thankful to never had to have had used the lunchroom.
I got to college, and finally settled in with the other freaks. College is big enough that you can avoid people you don’t like, even in class. I made it through grad school and now have a faculty position at a University.
Somehow during this period I crossed a line between “weirdo I should pick on” to “cool person I should talk to”. What made me a mark in the past is what people now find unique and likable. At some point you all will also cross that line.
I’m not saying I don’t get dirty looks or people whispering behind my back. It simmers down a lot, though, and if you can be confident in yourself those people will let you alone. Other people, more interesting people you’d want to know, will seek you out.
And if a bully pops up, think about how sad it must be to be them. To be so miserable and of such low confidence they have to try and hurt someone else to feel better about themselves. They are pitiable human beings underneath it all.
I agree with all points. Another thing that might help when bullies get violent is to move as quickly and adeptly as possible (without running, which is tricky) to an area where there will be witnesses, particularly teachers/administrators.
Another thing to work on is body language. Hunched shoulders and arms across the chest is an open invitation to bullies. Put those shoulders back, straighten that spine, and even better *look right through them as if they are not worth the space*. Because, let’s face it, bullies are a waste of oxygen.
If all else fails, learning a bit of ‘soft’ martial arts is not out of order. Tai Chi or Aikido are my favorites, because they focus more on the re-direct rather than direct response. Plus, those forms are great to incorporate into one’s own moves on the dance floor!
Above all, one must NEVER stoop to the level of bullying. Snarking in response to snarks is one thing, but never become the bully in retaliation, because goths are (unfortunately) badly viewed by most schools and administrators will never believe it was only because you were bullied first.
I was bullied for many years during elementary and middle school because I was poor, overweight, and did strange things on the weekends (like dressing up and going to Renaissance Faire like events.) By the time I was in High School, I had managed to create a cool exterior which no amount of teasing could penetrate. However, suffering the slings and arrows of High School tormentors still hurt, I just didn’t let it show.
Good luck, and remember: High School only lasts four years, idiocy will last a lifetime.
Your Ladyship,
I am a long-time reader of Gothic Charm School, and would like to say that the world would be a much more pleasant place to be if more people read and followed your advice. I just read your first lesson of the new year and felt moved to comment. I looked for, but could not find a way to comment directly, so I thought I’d send you an email instead.
I am not, never have been, nor do I expect ever to be part of the Gothic subculture. I am, however, a lifelong member of another popular target group for bullies, that of the geek. Back when I was in middle school (or, as we called it back in the day, “junior high”), “Curve-wrecker” was one of the nicer things other students called me. In my seventh grade year, I fell afoul of a small group of girls who rode the same bus as I did and they decided that I would be a great target.
Suffice it to say that was probably the worst year of my life. Nasty comments grew to “accidentally” being bumped into, to gum in my hair. I was so grateful when the year ended and prayed they would move on to other things, interests, people, schools when school started again. Sadly they didn’t. They started stepping on my heels and knocking my textbooks out of my hands, again all “accidentally”.
We didn’t share classes, so it never occurred to me to tell anyone at school. I did tell the school bus driver, who said I needed to stand up for myself. I told my parents, which got me a four-week reprieve of a designated seat at the front of the bus, but when the month ended, it went back to status quo.
The week before winter break I was looking for a seat when the leader of the little group pushed a book against my face. I’m not sure what she intended to do, but what she did was make me see red, even literally for a few seconds. I raised my hand to push the book away, but I must have been even angrier than I thought, because I ended up knocking it out of her hand. Our eyes met, then I turned and found a seat several rows in front or her.
According to all the kids novels and TV specials I’d seen, this is where she was supposed to have apologized, or run off terrified, or in some other way never bothered me again. Well, that’s not exactly what happened. What actually happened is I was sitting with my back to an open window at the stop before mine, when suddenly my ears rung, stars spun in front of my eyes and, boy, did my head hurt. She’d clocked me with the stupid book after they got off the bus. After that, they never bothered me again.
Now I don’t hold this up as an example of how to handle bullies. If I hadn’t surprised her so much, she could very well have retaliated immediately, and her friends were right beside her. I could have been seriously injured. And since I had reacted physically, they could have claimed self defense had I lost it enough to actually attack them, which was not outside the realm of possibility, considering how I felt at the time. Not to mention the toll that year and a half took on my self esteem, which I still have problems with sometimes.
To those reading this who are being bullied:
The reason I tell this story is to make the point that it never got better until I did something about it. Bullies will not stop until they are stopped. Why should they? Whatever it is they’re getting from their behavior, they are getting it, so why should they stop? (Apart from their being wrong and hurtful, which they obviously don’t care about.) A bad situation won’t just go away; you have to make it go away.
Please follow the Lady’s advice, and that of the other posters. Don’t follow my poor example, but DO SOMETHING!
I can’t believe someone would be so horrid to push someone else down the stairs simply because they dress differently! I hope to goodness that this bullying ceases before it gets worse and that someone of an adult variety will step in soon.
Reading these sort of things really makes me sad. In time it will get better I assure you but please don’t blame yourselves. Through middle school and my first year of high school I was bullied constantly. Ignoring it was the best thing to do but there will always be that one person who has to continues the bullying. Luckily fro me the most physical it got was dumping several bottles of invisible ink on a brand new white shirt. While they claim it to be invisible it is’nt. I went to a teacher first who looked me over smiled and said “IT’s just harless childs play don’t worry.”
This was unsettling to me and the school principa Yet even guidance had no good way to solve it either. solution: bring the bully in a room with me and make them apologize. regardless I continued to be myself and ignore the bullying. Eventually it stopped and I was either totally ignored or treated with a small level of respect. I’m in college now and on occasion I still get a remark here or there abotu my clothes my interests but after suffering through 4 years of bullying and harrasment it did’t bother me.
Telling an adult is always the best response along with ignoring it but if neither work press the matter with family, friends, teachers, anyone who you think can help. If you have a school resource officer try and get their attention. they’re here to protect you. The last thing you should do is give up what you love to stop bullying.
I wish the best of luck to you and hope you make it through
I agree completely with the Lady of the Manners. If bullying gets out of hand I have something that can work-Find a niche of friends that will help you deal with the bullies. If you can find just one, it’s enoguh. If they are truly your friend, they will stick up for you.
Also, if your parents don’t care, tell relatives/police officers that WILL.
I hope this helps a tad =)
Hugs to all of you, dearies! To everyone who’s being bullied – I know how hard and painful it is. I know it seems like it will never end, but it will. Just remember, you WILL survive, and you will be a better person for it. I know I am.
First of all, I have to comment on something.
Bullying does NOT OCCUR ONLY IN HIGH SCHOOL. I was physically assaulted in COLLEGE for my dressing and all that. I told the school authorities and guess what?
They took me and the bully OFF school for TWO WEEKS, making me miss lessons and all that. On top of that, they took our student pass away.
It didn’t end there. The school said that they cannot and will NOT expel the bully DESPITE the fact that this is her FOURTH time assaulting someone!
Simple – because they don’t want to lose money. It’s all about the darn cash.
So she made me APOLOGIZE to the bully and humiliated me. Of course no one would help a goth because we’re ALL ASKING FOR IT. -_-‘ Even though it’s been around two years since I’m out of college, I never forgot about that incident and I swear, if I see her on the road again with her friends, I might just ACCIDENTALLY kick her into a ditch with my trusty velvet heels -.-….
Might being the keyword since I believe that whatever good or bad deeds I do, it comes around three folds but I can’t help but wonder why is it that the bad people around me are not getting any forms of retribution -_-”’
My little sister also gets harassed because she’s a goth and she’s big size (a dress size 18) ~.~”””
Everyone’s given really good advice in suggesting the documentation, self defense courses, therapy, and repeated telling of authority figures.
I suggest more than anything- going over peoples’ heads. If there’s anything that school admins hate, it’s being given a talking to by their bosses. Record (if you can) and date what teacher/ school figure you told about your harassment. To really drive home your point, I would suggest that you ask your teachers to sign something saying that you alerted them of your problem. Perhaps try to get multiple authorities to listen to you at once- that way, ironically, they may be more anxious to cover their own rears and help you before another teacher exposes their inaction by speaking for you themselves. Don’t be afraid to go up the chain of command! Teacher to Principal to District head- to the mayor if you need to! Let them know that you’re serious!
If all else fails? Go to the media. Any media. Local news, blogs, Twitter, anything! Ask a local radio station to read out a letter of yours, or interview you! School officials are govt. officials. Like any other government official, the one thing they can’t take is bad press. Hit them where it hurts- in their PR department! If you go this route- name names of officials and teachers, but _not_ your tormentors. Technically, they are innocent until proven guilty, and putting their full names or clearly identifying information into the media-sphere may be counted as libel if written, slander if said aloud.
Furthermore- be as nice and courteous as you can to people that aren’t directly part of the problem. Gather sympathizers! Be polite to all of your teachers, and actively participate in class. Study and get the best grades you can- teachers love that! Bid people good morning, toss out a few up-nods, or a small smile and regular nod if that isn’t your style. Do your best to be known as a nice studious kid who just dresses a little oddly. This is what I believe kept me out of this sort of situation through all my stages of combat boots and black lipstick in middle and high school.
Finally, make sure your parents/ guardians or friends know where you are, and when to expect you back. If no one knows that, they won’t know to be worried or to call the police if you aren’t where you’re expected- if heaven forbid you get jumped.
Good luck, and stay strong-
April “August” B
Wow. Just… Wow. I’m praying for you kids.
As someone who spent most of her adolescence as a “freak”, even though I wasn’t really a Goth, per se, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I wasn’t bothered much in high school; most of the insults I got were related to the fact that I looked like a man (which I now have a complex about, I don’t leave the house without makeup) and that I only had a very small pocket of friends. I didn’t go out of my way to bother anyone. Just the opposite- I wanted to be left alone. But one girl, who another friend hung out with our freshman year, HATED me. Simply because I asked her, when she was screaming in the classroom (the teacher was away), to be a little quieter because I had a headache and wasn’t feeling well. That’s all. Anyway… One day, after school, she and my friend came over while I was sitting alone on the curb, waiting for the bus, and this girl leaned into my back, putting all her weight on her knees. I screamed, and my friend panicked, and after about maybe ten or fifteen seconds, I felt a pop, and my back hasn’t been the same since. But I can’t prove she injured me, even though I had witnesses. Nobody that knew her believed me because she was so little and I’m nearly six feet with a large frame. I could’ve snapped her like a wet twig if I could’ve reached her.
I didn’t have many incidents after that, but when I moved away and started cosmetology school, I became very aware of how the world acts around those who are different. It wasn’t high school-level stuff, but more like an adult, “Oh my God, who let THAT one out of the institution!?” kind of thing. All I can say is, be strong. I wish I’d had someone to support me through all that, who was different in the same way that I was, but I didn’t. Don’t let others push you around. Trust me, it doesn’t make anyone but your bullies happy. And all that “you deserve it because you’re weird” crap is just that, CRAP. Adults should know better.
Besides… Everyone is weird in their own way. And if they aren’t, they’re BORING! Weird is good, wear it proudly, fly that Freak Flag!
Hi everyone!
first of i think it is great that so many of you are leaving these comments bullying is an awful thing and we (nor anyone else) sould have to put up with it just for being ourselves. I, myself have been a part of the gothic subculture for the better part of a year and while being a goth has garnered me no bullying or un wanted attention i do know what it is like to be bullied. I was bullied alll through out my primary school years, it did on more than a few occasions escalate to physical violence and i broke my arm, ofcourse i got my parents invlved but the school principable would only really listen to parents who had lots of money or who had important jobs and so my father and i were pushed aside on the matter and nothing was done. Although those were awful times i did get through them, and i do have some things to say to help anyone out there who is being bullied. first of, bullies do what they do for a reaction, and while i know it can be more than tempting to want to reply back to them with acid comments, it is best to keep them in for really they will not do you much good
secondly, if (and god forbid) it escalates to the point of physical violence where you could get hurt or where your life is in danger, do fight back and i cannot stress this enough to DEFEND yourself though an even better option is to run, but if you cant then do try to fight back though as soon as you can try and find someone who will stand in and stop you from getting hurt.
I really hope this advice was helpful to anyone who reads it and is getting bullied.
My heart goes out to all of you. xo
I was bullied until I graduated from high school. I’ve been teased, harassed, threatened, and have had things thrown at me. I went to teachers, but they didn’t do very much at all. I’ve always been the “odd” kid, I suppose. I had to wear a uniform in elementary, middle, and high school. Clothes weren’t much of an issue (save for dress down days), but accessories and the like were. In middle school, I decided to try following the crowd. It didn’t work. By the end of eigth grade, my real tastes were surfacing and I gradually ditched my “fashionable” wardrobe of pink polos and rhinestone-accented sunglasses. I stopped tanning – partly because I prefer my skin pale (It’s fair to begin with.), and partly because of teasing. My hair is naturally very dark, so when I did tan, people called me “the Mexican.” I’m not Mexican, but people insisted that I was and would try speaking Spanish to me as they laughed. The teachers told me to ignore it.
My school closed after freshman year, so I had to go to a new school. It was a much bigger school, so there were more people. I met people who I’m still friends with (and, in one case, perhaps more). I settled in with the band members, the skaters, the anime lovers, and the artists. The Outcasts. I felt somewhat liberated to express myself in the way I wanted to. While I joyously stumbled through babybatdom, others saw me as a freak. By the end of junior year, my style was a well-beaten target for bullying.
A friend of mine was the president of our anime club. She was also a cheerleader. Since she had no friends on the squad and since I’m a dancer, she asked me to join. I did so reluctantly. My parents were happy; the cheerleading put them a bit at ease concerning my “changing” tastes. The girls were nice enough at first, too. . .
And then I was asked why I had a tube of SPF 75+ next to my water bottle at practice. Somehow, the whole conversation was misconstrued into something awful. The girls started disliking me. The fact that I was friends with the squad’s pariah didn’t help. When I joined the marching band, things only got worse. They took pictures of me on the field and put them on Facebook, where they made fun of “the vampire.” A friend of mine let me know what was going on. I alerted the coach to it, and she took care of the problem. Later in the year, the two girls who were behind the Facebook incident made a video on YouTube which made fun of my friend. My friend took her video camera in hand and filmed the video, panning to the girl’s icon and comments as the video loaded. She showed it to the coach, who was extremely upset. She pulled the two girls aside after scolding the entire squad. My friend could have pressed charges, but she didn’t.
The next year, one of the girls became cheer captain. It was the coach’s decision. So much for that.
College is much different for me. I most certainly don’t cheerlead anymore. Dancing, theatre, and DJing are more than enough for me. I’ve (mostly) changed from That Freak to This Extremely Cool Person You Must Meet. I hope that others can go through that same transition.
– Mad Alice.
Oh my, I want to hug every single person who wrote in or commented! I’m a teacher’s aide at a high school; I wish there was a way to let any of my students out there know that I’ll protect you! I was lucky to go to a fairly tolerant high school, but my hellish period was actually college. My junior year I was physically and sexually assaulted because I was a “freak” and the school did next to nothing about it. (Many, perhaps most, universities will do almost anything to protect their reputation/image.) Eventually one of the monsters was brought to trial, but I was too frightened to testify in open court as the harassment on campus, at home, at work, and online hadn’t really stopped despite a restraining order. All the advice given so far is excellent, and honestly I wish I had followed some of it more closely.
My advice to you all deals more with healing yourself. Hopefully you realize after reading down this far that there are sympathetic and empathetic people out there, online & in your real life, who will help you sort through your emotions. Talk to us! Recovery will probably be a mentally exhausting journey, but you will come out of it, reforged and stronger than before. No matter what an aggressor tries to take away from you or why (it’s probably an illogical and/or idiotic reason anyway that’s not worth trying to puzzle out), they can’t take away the basic tenants of who you are: your principles, your passions, all the things that make you YOU. The key for me, at least, was to take everything awful that had been thrown at me and assimilate it, make it something positive within myself. All those little quirks that made them hate me in the first place? Still there, still me. I got a lovely tattoo to cover up the scars, and the confidence to know I can withstand anything life throws in my path. They tried their damnedest to tear me down, and even though there were time I thought they’d succeed, in the end I endure.
Another tip: after a point, focusing on punishing the bullies will start to ebb your sanity. I’m not saying you should do nothing, but I’ve known more than one person to focus so much on bringing their tormentors to justice that they lose sight of everything else or even end up on the wrong side of the law themselves. Never lose sight of that that brings you joy.
Sorry if any of this sounds maudlin or cliche. I hope you all find your path out.
Oh! Speaking of paths, there’s a video game called “The Path” by Tale of Tales that I found very cathartic. It’s definitely not for everyone, but I thought I’d mention it.
hi, i know i posted earlier, but i just wanted send out a message to all of the goths still stuck out there somewhere in high school hell and that is :
I am with you, i know it sucks but you all just hang in there, bullying sucks really, it does but you do get past it and you become a better person for it, i know i am. (thankfully my shyness isnt as bad as it used too be)
so, to all of you, hang in there xoxoxoxo
the jazz monster
Okay! This is a problem I’ve always (I repeat ALWAYS) had to deal with. I’ve been a Goth Kid for about a year or so but I’ve always been bullied. Recetly, I got people calling me things like “freak” and “emo”. I talked to the Guidace Couceler but they said “It’ll blow over. Don’t worry! They’re good studets!” Not so helpful. I’m just warning some people, sometimes teachers wont deal with the situation and make you look like the moron when you’re the EXACT opposite of that! This has bee goig on for about5 years and still no help! God, some people are just so blinded! But from a fellow bully victum, remember; You don’t have to put up with this! Be strong fellow Goths! Things will get brighter! Every storm hs a rainbow at the end! I kow that souns corny but it’s acurate! 😉
I hate it when i hear about stuff like this. It just means that theres a person out there hurting as much as i am. :/
It’s crappy, yeah, and trust me, it wont blow over, but have you ever thought of homeschool or goin to school online. It worked for my friend Jesyka…
Anyway, you only have a few years left, right? People suck, but stick around the ones that are worth your time and life will be bearable for you, at the very least.
-Lyla<3
Hello all,
Just wanted to thank The Lady of the Manners for posting about this, and for everyone that has commented with advice and encouragement. It’s heart rending to here about thosewho are suffering now, but so good to hear so many stories with happy endings. I love how supportive the atmosphere is on this page. Hugs to you all!
I’d also like to share some of my experiences of bullying.
I was bullied throughout school, often by ‘friends’, for a variety of reasons. I was the target of the popular kids for being studious, enjoying reading, being awful at sport and for being just a little different (for a start I’m dyspraxic- growing up I thought it was a condition that only affected my balance and thought nothing of it really, but I’ve since learned it affects social development- I guess the other kids noticed…). I was also bullied by my ‘friends’ at several stages in my school career, I think out of boredom. I was a kind kid, who wanted people to like her, so I’d put up with more than my fair share of teasing to avoid loneliness.
The bullying was getting bad towards the end of primary school and so when my mother wanted to move half way across the country, I leapt at the chance. I thought a new start would make everything better, but it didn’t. I had taken the same scared, under-confident me to the new school, and at this one I had the wrong accent…The bullying got pretty bad by the time I was 12, nothing physical though really, except gum in my hair (which was waistlength so an ovbious target)just lots of verbal abuse. I told my mum, who went to the school. My head of year was sympathetic, and ‘had a talk’ with the class. An entirely ineffective measure, although I know she meant well. I was too scared to go back and tell her things hadn’t got better.
In the end, I got so depressed about school that I persuaded my mother to move back to the city of my birth where at least I had the right accent and believed I still had some friends. In my mind, my old home had become a perfect place (the primary school bullying having paled into insignificance beside the recent events).
I enrolled at the local comprehensive, which many of the people I’d been to primary school with also attended, although I was placed in the other half of the year and had no classes with them. This turned out to be fortunate because my old ‘friends’ decided they would have nothing more to do with me.
I made some new friends, who seemed nice, but it soon became clear that ‘being in their group’ wasn’t straightforward, keeping on the right side of the ‘leaders’ was essential and even then boredom would often equal fun at your expense. However I did find kindred spirits in the group; others on the fringe, and outside the group in my some of my classes.
The best thing I ever did was to join a youth theatre group outside of school, where I met a lot of new people, most of whom were a lot less judgemental than my school peers. With the new found confidence and support of friends I slowly dropped the normal facade I had put up and found my own style. So gradually Babybat Josie was born and was happy enough, my real friends at school and outside being largely unphased by the transformation.
I found that being ‘Goth’ was a wonderful barrier to hurtful bullying. Harmless, unoriginal, mis-guided comments about my style were far easier to deal with than digs about my weight (apparently I’m not allowed to be naturally slim built, I must have an eating disorder, or have stopped eating to save my mother money because we are so poor), my intelligence or the myriad other things I had no control over. I could laugh the comments off and get on with my day, knowing that I was being myself and that they were just ignorant.
I finished secondary school and went to college, where I found people that liked me for who I was, trench coat and all. This meant despite the hostility from some other students, and even one member of staff (who hated us for being different, I showed her up by getting 100% in her subject at AS level and then telling her it was nothing to do with her teaching) I was happy.
Now I’m at Uni. I don’t care about trying to fit in and have lots of friends by compromising about who I am any more. I have 2 very dear friends on my course and that’s fine by me. I’m happy, I love dressing the way i do (although now my style has matured I cringe a little at some of the outfits I wore when i was at school)I love my course and I hope that everyone else’s journey through education has such a happy ending.
I’m sorry I have rambled at such extraordinary length, but I wanted to prove to those suffering now that there is real hope for the future.
If you couldn’t be bother to read all my burbling it can be summarised thus:
1. Moving school does not always solve the propblem- if you run away, you often find you brought your problems with you.
2. Teachers, even well meaning ones do not always no how to cope with bullying. If at first they don’t succeed, don’t follow my example and leave, stick with it and ask for more help until they find a way of getting though to the bullies. Never suffer alone in silence.
3. Getting involved with extra-curricular, and especially out of school activities is definately a good move, it gives you a broader social group to rely on, meaning that even if things are bad at school you still have people around who love and support you. Plus finding something you enjoy doing and people who enjoy your company is a great way to build confidence.
4. The ‘freak’ badge isn’t always a bad thing. Wear it proud. It makes a good shield and ultimately being yourself with make you happier.
5. Don’t waste time on people who aren’t worth it. It’s better to have 5 friends who mean the world to you then a hundred ‘friends’.
6. If you’re going to get revenge, do it in a positive way; by succeeding where others thought you would fail.
Love to you all
Josie
I’ll have to agree with Josie above. Find yourself a group that accepts you and wear your weirdness like a badge of honor.
Other people are so much braver than me… I always tell others to be proud, to not let anyone push them down, but the truth is, I say that and I feel like adding on, “Don’t be afraid like I am.” I am a coward. I admit it. Sure, I can excuse myself and say it’s because I work in the service industry (I just got a job in a salon) AND in retail, and customers don’t take well to someone with black hair, but the honest-to-God truth? I just bleached my hair blonde to stop the nasty looks. I got so tired of being ignored by people in the store, of clients getting visibly nervous when I came to get them out of the reception area. God forbid I should be anything other than a blonde Southern belle, right? Even then, I’m sure my stature and my glasses and the constant presence of stains and cuts on my fingers doesn’t help.
It breaks my heart to hear stories like this and I wish I wasn’t such a weak hypocrite because then I could justify telling people to be who they really are. I don’t want anyone to have to hide who they are, there’s no excuse. But who am I to say that when I let myself get pushed around? I have to keep myself toned so far down, it’s depressing.
Just a quick note: you said to pursue the issue and escalate through the chain of authority figures, including contacting the police and pressing charges.
In certain states – including your home state, Miss Manners – it’s not up to the victim to “press charges.” It’s up to the police and the prosecuting attorney.
Greetings fellow high school students!
I have been bullied often, but it stopped was because of a few steps I took.
1. Stick with your friends. As many have said above, bullies avoid groups.
2. I’m not sure if this is always the case, but learn self defence, it is a life saviour in physical confrontation. If you can fend a bully off once, they’re more likely to avoid you.
3. Make friends with prefects… I’m not sure whether any American or other schools have prefects. But having prefects for friends, or at least knowing how to find them is a real help. For those who don’t know, prefects are students that have permission to take another student to the principal, and their word is usually accepted by teachers.
4. This might seem stupid, but be intimidating… If you are the creepy, psycho kid. People feel intimidated and leave you alone (personal experience tells me this)
I fully sympathise with everyone who are being bullied throughout what should be one of their happier periods of life (or at least a time to which one can look back to with at least some amount of tenderness), and I must admit somewhat shamefully that while naturaly timid and introvert throughout my school days, I did retaliate when someone tried to bully me.
Let me explain (this part is for the Lady of Manners to decide if she desires to keep or not).
I’m currently living in Norway, and have done so for the past 16 years, but before that time I was born and raised in Sweden (Norway and Sweden has a love-hate relationship which can easilly be explained if one bothers to read about the history of Scandinavia).
I came to Norway at an age of 12, when my parents had decided on mooving here, and thus began in a new school with a new (though similar) language to learn at the same time. The school I came to had a rumor of being highly male dominated, where the boys had all the perks and the girls were just some pretty little things for their pleasure (nothing sexual at that age, but possible in the future). This was not how I was raised. I’d been raised to be indipendant, to defend myself, to not tolerate any form of bullying. The later thanks to an incident my sister went through, which ended up with us getting secret phone numbers (the girls bullying had given my sisters name, and phone number to a sex-hotline), and having the police involved a couple of times. They actually began harrassing the entire family at that point. And for what reason? That my sister didn’t have the newest fashion or bicycle… stupidity…
Back to my story. After having been there for a half a semester or so, I’d been approached by one of the soccer-nuts at school. He appeared too to be one of the primus motors of various bully-groups at said school. He’d seen I had my old boxing-club tee-shirt on during gymclass, and wanted to spar with me. Up until that point, I’d been more or less ignored by everybody else than the teachers, so I was more than up for it and assumed stance, and replied, with a grin “Allright, come on then”, to which he chickened out. That was the first test they gave.
Second test came some time later, during luchbreak. As mentioned before, I was a rather timid and quiet child, happy to be with my books and music, not too interested in the superficial prattle of my co-students. This one day, one of the boys stole something from my desk, and began taunting me to get a reaction from the safe haven he’d found in the center of the boy’s group. He did get a reaction, but not the screaming and whining he’d wanted. I remember calmly standing up from my seat, equally calmly walking to the boys corner, who’d by then had begun to escape, calmly grabbing the tormentor by the neck of his shirt, pull him back, and throw him to the ground, after which I calmly said “you never do that again”, reclaiming my possession and returning to my seat.
That was the last time anyone bullied me.
When my homeroom teacher spoke to my father, he just replied that was how he’d raised me, and that he was proud I was able to stand up for myself.
Though I do not condone or recomend to retaliate physically, I am aware I did so myself in the past. I am also aware it sometimes is of no use.
But what is of use is to be mentally stronger than those who do the bullying. To be able to smile at them in a friendly way. When having insults, no matter how hurtful, thrown at you, and react like it were the most wonderful of compliments ever received.
If possible, have some self-defense skills, because many will in frustration rely on assault. Here I do not mean to punch back, but to be able to dodge the attack.
I do also agree with one of the first commentators: Whenever possible, be with your friends. A bully goes after lone targets, or someone they deem not strong enough either mentally or physically. It need not be their attire, religion, colour, or sexuality which is the cause, just that they are weaker than them (and some times on the rise in some area). They have the need to keep said person below them at any cost. Either one has been raised to be strong(I didn’t find my first friend until second year of high school), or find strength in friends. Not just one clique of friends, but make friends all over school. From the geeks, punks, metal-heads, fashionistas, any one of the kids at school, to the cleaning lady, janitor, and teacher in your favorite subject. You might be called teachers pet, or ass-kisser for that last one, but it keeps you safe.
On another note: I didn’t come out of the “Goth-closet” until highschool, something I delibereately chose. Sure it made life easier to dress in the most anonymous clothing I could find, and literally be the gray mouse blending in with the walls, but that time gave me a chance to cultivate myself, and be sure of whether or not I wanted to be a Goth.
(ps. Mum has only now, after 10 years, begun to accept that this isn’t just “a phase”)
Bullying is a very serious issue that is often overlooked and is something that I am personally seeing to possibly change. I was bullied very severely at school, and while the majority of it was mostly verbal and mental bullying, there were many, many occassions when I was physically assaulted. Sadly, there were many adults of authority who consistently let me down, from teachers who turned a blind eye (and sometimes even witnessed the attacks but ignored them), to a school chairman who ignored my pleas for help when I ran into him while fleeing an assailant. School was such a dreadful time in my life that I naturally developed depression and had many problems after leaving school.
But- I am still here. The fact I am still here proves that you can overcome it, and that it does and WILL get better. It doesn’t seem that way now, and to any bully-victim (goth or not) reading this, I am sure that sounds utterly impossible, but its true. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you that, but you have to hold on and you have to know what to do.
I’m pretty much going to echo a lot of advice that has been given already- do keep telling the teachers and adults. If they ignore you, go to someone else and just keep telling them. Definately tell your parents, so that they can support you, and depending on the severity of the bullying, you should certainly contact the police. Verbal bullying is harrassment, and being pushed down the stairs or being pushed about is physical assault. Even if charges are later dropped, in many cases, a visit from the police may shock the bullies into leaving you alone- they know you mean business. They know that although you are not rising to them, you will not let them get away with it. Do not be afraid to seek support because this is what a lot of bullies actually want to cut you off from. Bullying is, as someone has said, all about power.
When it comes to cell phones and Internet, block anyone who is harassing you, keep printouts of the abuse (as evidence) and contact website moderators and web-teams in charge. This is all harrassment also.
Many would say do not fight back against bullies, and its true that you musn’t rise to them- do try you absolute hardest to ignore them, and don’t take weapons into school…but you may well want to consider taking up self defence lessons for your own safety. Good martial arts classes teach you discipline and self-confidence, which is very important when dealing with bullies. In honesty, you will probably find yourself needing to use such skills rarely, as your confidnce improves. I only ever had to hit a bully once, and after that I was left alone. For too long I had been the weak little girl who could get pummeled by everyone- when I floored a bully after learning karate, I never had to fight again.
BUT- do keep in mind a couple of things if you do decide to go down this route. Self defence is important, and your right, but do keep in mind that if you misuse your skills you yourself can be legally liable for your actions, and do keep in mind also that if the school authorities have been diligently ignoring all of your complaints and labelling you the renegade, you may end up with a backlash for defending yourself. I feel a need to say this as I know this could well happen, but depending on your situation, you may decide this is worth it. For the incident I just mentioned, I spent an afternoon in Inclusion, even though my parents contested it. But although I was punished by the school for doing what they never could do- protecting myself- the results were just what I needed in that everyone left me alone after that. And once your confidence reaches that level, ignoring the verbal abuse becomes easier to just shrug off.
I hope this helps someone. I think the last thing I need to say is that you absolutely do NOT need to put up with bullying, you absolutely do not deserve to be bullied, and it is absolutely not your fault that you are being bullied. Be proud of yourself and who you are, and I hope that these comments not only give you advice but show you how much support there is out there for people in your position. You are not alone. x
Like many others I was bullied in school so this is a subject close to my heart. There is a great deal of excellent advice already on here so I won’t bother reiterating much of it, however there are a couple of good avoidance tactics which I learned in school that served me very well.
When in class sit close to the front, as near as possible to the teacher. Generally the type of person who will bully you will prefer sit at the back where it’s less likely that they will be spotted causing trouble and not working. If bullying does occur during lessons then the teacher will be more likely to notice it.
When not in lessons my favourite place to hang out was at the library. Again, the sort of people who will bully you probably won’t want to be anywhere near the library as they associate it with studying or think reading is ‘boring’. Spend your break times reading or doing homework (doing homework in school also means more free time at home). The library staff may even offer you a job if they see you there particularly often (this is what happened with me). This looks good on your school record, will help you gain work experience for once you leave school and you may even get paid for it! I also made some very firm friends this way as I found that the people who came to the library regularly were more intelligent and open-minded than many of the other students.
I hope this helps some people, and anyone who is suffering right now bear in mind that school is not forever!
I’ve been into the gothic subculture since I was about 12, which makes 5 years now. In middle school, I was harassed terribly. To the point two boys tried to beat me up one day in art class… if one boy had not stood up for me and actually shoved them back away from me and yelled at them, drawing attention to what they were about to do, I don’t think I could of defended myself against them. And I know no one else would of helped me. People told me all the time to go and to kill myself, which I considered doing countless times… and I was harassed so badly in different classes, that I would actually jip and, once leaving school grounds actually do my homework there.
Pretty sad times.
When I told the teachers, this is what they would say to me, “You are almost an adult! I work and I’ve delt with people who harassed me, you need to learn how to take care of yourself and how to handle your own problems.” Little did they realize, or actually CARE, that UNLIKE in a work place, a child in a middle school can not defend themselves in the same way that an adult can. The counselor even gave me this kind of advice, and eventually stopped seeing me. I signed up to see her a dozen times, and each time she always got to everyone on the list BESIDES for me… huh.
But after those three years of hell were over with, I went to high school. I go to an Art Magnet school, and I have not been harassed or bullied EVEN ONCE since I started in freshman year. I’m a senior this year. I have lots of other alternative and gothy friends, a long time loving boyfriend, teachers and a staff who really like me and who have never been anything but kind and understanding, the two best counselors I could have ever asked for, and an actual ZERO bullying policy that they actually ENFORCE.
This kind of atmosphere has lead me from a failing school, depressed suicidal and lonely child… into growing up into a happy, self confident individual with a 3.0 average (and all As and 1 B so far this year) with several friends and a long-term boyfriend. Having this kept me from falling back into things like cutting or hurting myself to deal with the pain I felt before, and has kept me from ever trying drugs or other such things. I’m happy and content, and I’ll actually MISS high school when I’m done.
So, to all my younger gothlings… This goes to show that there CAN be light at the end of the tunnel, and like our beloved Lady has told us, that we are not alone. No one deserves to be bullied, but um, if it comes down to it…
Have your parents call and threaten to sue the school and the parents of every single kid that ever even said a cross word to you. THAT WILL END THE BULLYING REALLY QUICK. ((Especially when nothing else will!))
I love you all, and wish you all the best!
By that way, being 14 or 15 DOES NOT make you “almost an adult”.
That is a teacher’s excuse for not doing anything to help you.
You are still a child through that age, and from what I’ve seen, people are really still children even through high school.
And it doesn’t matter if you ARE a child or an adult, no one deserves to be bullied.
While I’m not a diehard Goth, and honestly never really was, I did dabble into the fashion and such (and still do). That, along with a host of other things, made me a perfect target for bullies from about 2nd grade through high school.
I heartily second the Lady of the Manners advice, with a few additions:
1) Just remember, you are stronger than you think. Seriously.
2) I found over the years that the best reply to s nasty comment was to simply stay quiet and give the offender a look as if they had just uttered the the most moronic and juvinile comment ever. Don’t be afraid to stare. A stone poker face is also good–TLoftM is right; bnullies are looking for a reaction, and to elevate themselves on your misery. Don’t give them the satifaction.
3) Despite having my life made a living hell for far to many years, I survived, and somehow ended up in Law School, so I cannot emphasize this enough. Anything you have physical evidence of, from harrassing comments to bruises from an assault of some sort, DOCUMENT IT. Pictures, hard copies/ printouts, even a written and dated statement from a friend who witnesses the bullying. Just like in any legal matter, the more concrete physical evidence you have, the more likely things are to go in your favor.
And if things get physical but the school refuses to do anything? Do not hesitate to go to the police. Be polite but firm, and again, evidence is your friend.
I wish all the best of luck. School was hell, yes… but now I’m 35, independent, and unlike many of the “popular” kids in my class, have moved on from high school and been able have experiences they can’t even being to fathom.
Hang in there….school doesn’t last forever.
My Lady,
I definitely needed to see this letter both now and also back when I was in Middle School. I am a Senior in college right now and even I have to put up with bullies. It may be more subtle at this older age, but it still hurts me allot. When I was in middle school, kids did everything from teasing me, embarassing me in stores, and even putting ink all over the dial of my locker, resulting in my fingers becoming heavily stained. I had to go to counseling because of all of the bullying (even my 5th grade teacher took part in it).
We are different. We are blessed because we have eyes that everyone wishes to have: we see beauty where many can not. We must help one another and show bullies that peace is the answer, not unkindness.
Take care and have a lovely 2011!
Hugs!
Having gone through the early stages of Goth quite rapidly I attracted quite a bit of negative attention. Thankfully it never got violent but I learned quickly that words had the ability to inflict pain very similar to sticks and stones. But- (There is always a but!) It really did make me stronger, keep an open (but guarded) mind to what people are saying and hold your beliefs high! It turns out a few of the bullies I encountered were friends of the Goth community and thought I was following a trend. 3 years later I attend a performing arts school and am quite loved and accepted. Dr.Martens and all <3 Looking back I have learned to appreciate their words for what they were: practice!
And remember- There really is power in numbers
Hey everyone, despite having posted before this, I forgot to echo on something that many others have said: self defense. In second grade, I was a weird kid, but I still fit in well enough. I wasn’t being bullied yet, but I thought self defense would be a good skill to have. I took tae-kwon-doe until forth grade, and when I started, I never thought I would need it. Let me tell you, I was wrong. In as early as third grade I was, not very seriously, sexually assaulted.
The day it happened, I was sitting by myself at lunch near a group of boys I knew. About halfway through the period, the boy sitting next to me thought it would be alright if he proceeded to touch my bottom. With out even looking at him, I punched him in the face, giving him a bloody nose. To this day, I haven’t been bullied again.
I’m not saying that violence is the answer, or that you should do what I did, but if you need to defend yourself, then you should. Everyone should be able to fend off a bully if things get physical, and sometimes doing so will give the bullies a wake up call.
Good luck to everyone who’s being bullied, and remember things will get better 🙂
I have never had a real problem with bullying, despite the years that Ive gone to school looking “abnormal” I think a lot of it has to do with the kind of person people see you as being. I’ve had people make comments about my appearance, yes, and a few snarky “Have you ever gotten beat up for looking like a freak?”-esque comments. To which I reply something along the line of “That would be assault, which, when reported to the police, will lead to some rather unpleasant consequences for the aggressor.” People often seem to be intimidated by, not even just the words, but the calm way n which they are delivered, and I often have no problems with them beyond that point.
My school claims a “Zero-Tolerance” policy, but has yet to enforce it.
A girl has been endlessly harassing me for years now, and even when I went to both the principal and the guidance counselor, no action was taken, because she’s had problems at home for years now. I want her to get help so she’ll leave everyone she torments, not only me, alone, and get on with her life.
Dear Gothic Charm School viewers,
the Lady of the Manners is absolutly right; it is never exceptable to bully! And I think most all of us know that because of our “different” style. dont loose hope and push any adult you can into helping you with you bullying issue!!!!!!
SARA
See, this is why I hated high school. I had a new mortal enemy every semester, even before I became a goth, probably because of my Asperger’s Syndrome. None of them got physical with me, but, to be honest, I always wished they would because while I was confident in my ability to protect myself physically, I could never fair well against slander.
When it got to the point where I couldn’t even go into school, my mom took me to school and we both goto the principal to get arch enemy number three to stop.
I also once had problems with a coworker who was much older than me.
I’m not going to advise waiting it out, but at the same time, I have nothing to add.
Blessed be <3
-SS
Also, I second what one guy said about acting crazy to discourage people from hurting you… if you can take a little extra slander.
Reading something of this nature saddens me terribly. I understand what it is like being bullied because you are different from the norm. Back in my early teenage years I would come to school dressed in what I considered to be my finest. Black tees, dark jeans, my chucks, big hair, tons of eyeliner and layers upon layers of handmade accessories (okay so I never really dressed to the nines, but little me thought I was hot stuff). Unfortunately, coming from an extremely conservative area, my ‘look’ was deemed inappropriate and I received a lot of negative attention. My belongings would get stolen, things were thrown at me, and a few times I was subject to violence. It would come to the point in high school that I threw out all my Gothy items and started dressing in ‘acceptable’ clothing. I was tired of the bulling and tired of no one being willing to help, despite my attempts to talk to teachers or my parents.
However, changing my appearance didn’t stop to bulling. I had only given them want they wanted, power over my choices. And after they realized how much they could affect me, things only progressed.
My friends, don’t take the road I did. Changing myself only left me miserable and longing for the times when I could freely as myself. Don’t let anyone have that sort of power over you. If one teacher doesn’t help, go to another. And another and another. Keep looking until you can get someone on your side. Bulling isn’t something that should be tolerated. Make sure you let the authorities know that you won’t stand for that kind of behavior.
It seems hard to do when we are young and facing persecution, but you must strong. Things will get better, given time.
I used to get bullied but not for being goth, it was for other reasons. what i did was i told my mother what was going on. I was bullied for a long time and when i told my mom-she flipped out and went to the principle and well…i got sent to A SAFE environment aka a new class.
Ignoring it helps but then again, if its serious report it.
I actually haven’t been teased for being goth thankfully…
SO! DEFIANTLY TELL YOUR PARENTS. i also was a very strong little person and since the kids bullied me for believing in fairies, i was 12 ish, i told them in my own way, FUCK YOU, by being myself.
So to counteract don’t let it get to you and KEEP BEING YOURSELF AND BEING HAPPY WITH BEING YOURSELF! ACTING and/or having a demeanor of “F**K YOU I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF” might help you deal with it it helped me.
Tell adults, look for help, keep being yourself, don’t let it affect you, get to a safe environment, report and physical abuse.
I, sadly, have always been the main target of bullies since 4th grade (I’m in 9th grade now), and if you don’t do or say anything about it, it won’t stop. Recently, I ended up having to go to the police because a girl took a knife to me because I was wearing a beautiful Victorian dress and I told her that I would not stop dressing ‘oddly’ just because she wanted me to. I did not get seriously hurt, but I ended up having to get stitches in several places, which I display proudly as a sign that I stood up to a bullie. The teachers at my school could not care less, and they only got involved after I was stabbed. Needless to say, the girl has been suspended, I think she has been arrested, and I am still dressing the way I want to…but that didn’t stop the bulling, it got worse, and the moral of my story is: sometimes, there are things you can fix, while others, you sadly can’t. That isn’t much of a moral to this story, but don’t talk back to you’re torrmenter, it makes it worse. 🙁
Dear Lady Manners: It makes me sad to read about children and teens being bullied by their peers. I didn’t think I had a comment to make — until just now — because THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME. Granted, I was a teen in the 1950s. It’s possibly things have changed since then, but I take leave to doubt it.
You’d think I was your ideal bullying-target: I was short and pudgy (didn’t hit puberty till my senior year), I was smart, I READ SCIENCE FICTION and I told people about it. But I don’t have a single memory of being bullied.
I wondered about this for years. I couldn’t figure it. Maybe it was just luck? Maybe I had an exceptionally vigilant faculty and staff watching over the school and pouncing on every infraction. Nothing about it made sense.
Until I started reading your post and came to Thing the Third: Reaction. I had learned Thing the Third when I was still in grammar school, when it wasn’t “bullying,” it was “teasing.” (I’m distinguishing between two kinds of behavior, not two different names.) I learned at a very young age that if I reacted to something someone said, he’d say it again and louder and longer. I learned not to react, WHATEVER anybody said. And it worked, to the extent that anything can work against a ten-year-old boy who sees girls as his natural enemy and prey.
By the time I was in high school it was so automatic it was damnear unconscious. It was *not* the case that no one ever tried to bully me in high school. Rather, they did try and I didn’t notice it. I went through high school as smoothly and calmly as anyone could conceive of. I had friends. I must’ve had non-friends too, but I didn’t notice them.
I don’t suggest that just Thing the Third will work all by itself for everyone. Keep the Lady’s other Things in mind: in particular, the ones about keeping evidence. It’s the same thing the police ask for if you’re an adult who’s being harrassed or stalked: they want evidence they can bring before the court. Photographs of a trashed locker, photographs and a doctor’s notes about (god forbid) a physical injury, should go a long way towards convincing a retired-on-the-job principal, for example, that there ARE things going on wrong and he can’t just sit back on his comfy chair and ignore tham.
And best of luck, and remember: high school is only four years, and after that it’s college and people start behaving like human beings.
I have to agree with everyone who has posted before me. I’m 21 and having grown up in rural Alabama I can say I’m surprised (but very thankful) that bullying was not such a huge issue in my middle school and high school. That is not to say it was completely devoid of conflict, of course. People will have their preconceived notions about you from the get go. Needless to say, it threw many of my peers for a loop that I was a Christian goth. There were snarky remarks about how I dressed, but I never missed a chance to try and educate anyone who made a genuine question about my lifestyle. And more than anything I had friends who would stand up for me if anything was being started behind my back, so to speak.
More than anything I encounter “bullying” in my current job. Mostly it comes from customers who are in and out and I never see them again. Occasionally it’ll come from a co-worker, and even then it was because they were extremely “effeminate” and could not understand why a fellow girl would ever want a deathhawk. And maybe if this is what you’re going through there are higher ups you can go to and talk out the situation for something to be done.
Here’s a great big hug to all of you who’ve ever had to go through this, you all have my love and prayers!
Good grief. I am so sorry you all are having such problems. As if middle and high school weren’t stressful enough.
As the Lady said, please tell someone. I was bullied, too. Not because I was Goth. Nope. I was overweight, over-intelligent and had the audacity to get good grades. How dare the Fat Kid be the Smart Kid, too? I was sort of the Goth antithesis, in that I liked the Beatles and related music (and country music). I was a hippie, not Goth. In 1981, this was akin to the rankest heresy. I was fortunate, though. Because I was a little bigger than some of the other girls, and had a reputation as one who would only take So Much, it rarely got physical.
Let me encourage all who are experiencing bullying to consider taking at least some introductory martial arts classes. Let me explain. This is not to teach you how to fight. To defend yourself, yes, but martial arts accomplishes a great deal more than that. It teaches you when Not To Fight, but also instills a great deal of self-confidence and self-worth, both of which are crucial in dealing with these people. You have the quiet confidence of knowing you can defend yourself and you wouldn’t believe how effective that can be.
In addition, when someone finds out you’re taking karate or jujitsu, or whatever, it’s almost automatic that they stop and say to themselves, “Hmm. She’s taking karate. If I pick on her too much, she could kick my butt.” Even if you couldn’t do a roundhouse kick to save your life in reality, just the Possibility that you might do a Chuck Norris on them in the hall is often enough. Plus, many martial arts schools offer ways of dealing with bullies in real-life situations. Mine does. And think how awesome you’ll look in a black gi with a snarling dragon on the back. 🙂
And, as someone else said, thank the Lord, school doesn’t last forever. And you’ll be going to bigger and better things while many of them are stuck with high school as their Glory Days. Good luck and good wishes to all of you.
Thank you, Lady of the Manners, for the opportunity to comment here.
All the people who have written here have my sympathy-I was bullied by three boys at my school between the age of 12 and 13, & it severely impacted on my self-esteem, right into adulthood-I’ve just entered my 30’s & even after all these years, though intellectually I know that I did not deserve it (to be hit, jeered at or humiliated, while my class mates laughed-I suppose they were relieved that it wasn’t happening to them)-still in my heart, I blame myself-& that still hurts, as much as the bullying did.
I wish that I could say ‘this worked for me’ & give everyone a magic solution-but the truth is, the bullies eventually stopped because they got bored (it took over a year though)& I grew up some, made some decent friends, started dressing how I wanted, & became not one of the ‘popular’ kids, but someone with plenty of friends and admirers, who was regarded as ‘cool’-& learned how to pretend to be confident…till I started to believe I was.
I hoped that things had improved in schools since ‘my day’-when I told the teachers, & they made me shake hands with the bullies after giving them a ‘talking to’-then told me to ‘try and be more assertive’-great.
A couple of years ago I was visiting a friend who has a teenager daughter, who came home with an obviously bull-sh*t story about loosing her bus pass & not being able to go to school-I talked to her, and she admitted that she was frightened to go in because of some boys who were making her life hell. I went to the school with the friend to give her and her daughter some moral support, & was appalled by the teacher’s attitude-they talked about my friend’s daughter in an exasperated tone as if she was doing this to annoy them, brought up the fact that they’d moved her to a different class for a couple of things, and finished off by telling her to be -you’ve guessed it-more assertive, & that an ‘anti-bullying week’ was coming up, and they were going to make posters-wouldn’t she enjoy that.
My point-I realise it’s been a long time coming-is that, if someone-say an ADULT-was assaulted-you would not imply they were responsible, & tell them to make a poster-if you’re reading this & you’re a parent or educator, please take on board that bullying is incredibly serious, and not the fault of the victim. If you’re being bullied, keep pushing for someone to do something to make it stop, and be prepared to take it further-calling the local police no.(not emergency!) to report it as an assult if your school wont help. NO ONE deserves to be bullied-& although teachers & other ‘authority figures’ can be extremely unhelpful, keep pushing-there are some good ones-dont wait for it to stop by itself-I wouldnt wish the year & a bit I suffered on anyone!
as others have stated: surround yourself with possitive people.
My high school expereince, as far as the bullying thing goes, was almost painless because I had the best girls I have ever known by my side. They’re still my best friends today. (Granted, I’m only 19 and have been out of highschool for just a year.)
But due to my love of the cyber end of the spectrum, I was always the odd ball out, and was always called on by description. (in my first couple years of highschool it was based on my always vivid hair color, and in my senior year, when I started wearing cyberlox and falls, it became based on that.)
Everyone in the school, even if they didn’t know me by name, knew me by description. So people would tug on my falls in the hallway to see if they were really attached to my head, and would giggle when it jerked my head back. I’d never actually see the person who did it. They always ducked into the crowds in the hallways whenever I turned around.
It was irritating, and I would have to fix my lox, but it never actually hurt.
And of course there were always the rude comments from people. But these comments would usually boost my ego, rather than make me feel bad about myself. My best friends are the cause for that.
They are just as much of the odd ball out as I am, even though we all have very different tastes in style (Think an alternative vesion of the Spice Girls, and you pretty much have us.)
We’ve always been supportive of each other, and never let anything get in the way of our friendship. So if anyone had anything rude to say, we would always be there to joke it off or say something witty back.
So insults would be turned into jokes, which turned into a self-esteme booster.
It also helped that I only spent half the day at my home high school in my senior year. The other half of my school day was spent at my district’s tech school, where our quirks and differences were supported and encouraged. I also befreinded my graphic design teacher there, and am still friends with her now.
But now, like I said above, I’ve graduated, and am finally in a college where I have met even more amazing and supportive people.
Though I’m still the odd ball out. I’m the only woman who’s opted to take and -stay in- the guitar building and repair courses that my community college is awesome enough to offer.
So, stay possitive, those who are still in high school, there are ways out, and it doesn’t last forever. If you surround yourself with friends, and find courses and classes (or a tech school if your lucky) you really enjoy, it makes it all so much more bareable.
Hello Fellow Goths and Non-Goths! I have been bullied since…I believe elementary school. I reacted alot because I had two things working against me in my own body, My temper and my ADHD which when undiagnosed in my school until 2nd grade. I remember that in fifth grade I was taken to the Principal’s office by both him and his vice. I sat in his office until my mom came for a talk about how if my behavior continued I would be Baker Acted. I had no idea what that was so I asked my mom and she said that I would be taken away from her for three days. Now I will admit my memory is fuzzy concerning my elementary and middle school years, but i do remember that in middle school i had a safe haven in the administration…My guidance counselor said that if I need to come talk to him I could do it. I did go up there a lot to calm myself down before my temper got out of control by playing cards with him and some of the other counselors. However it did not last. When I was in ninth grade i reacted to bullying again..big time in my book I hit a kid with what they claimed was a purse when in fact it was my lunch bag. Another time was at the freshman dance some boys were harassing me so i used some old tae kwon do or one of my old ballet moves on him to kick him to get him to go away. Now I know some people have suggested “act a wee bit crazy to intimidate” I got pick on for that I was called a psycho, bitch, robot(mostly cuz of my scar on my chest from heart surgery). They even said that I would come to school one day with a gun and shoot everybody up. But I had found another safe haven in High School..the library I would got there before first block and for lunch everyday from sophomore to senior year. i made friends with the new librarian in sophomore year I had crazily fun teachers all through out high school give or take a science or econ teacher. I graduated last year and am glad that that phase of my life is over. So to all my fellow Baby Bats, Teen Bats, Snarklings and the Esteemed Lady and Elder Goths and the rest of you helpful people I bid you adieu.
~♥Keiya
I’m new to this site and everything…as in this is the first time I’ve ever been here…but I clicked on this because I’m desperate for anything that can help me with the bullying problem at my school.
I’m a high school senior and I just turned 18 yesterday and I’ve been bullied since preschool. That’s 6 schools counting daycare before school since I was bullied terribly there too.
I have told teachers and they do nothing or blame me for it. Principals blow me off or act like they’ll do something but never do…though I can’t blame them very much since I’m in their office what seems like every other day trying to tell them about something that someone/many someones has/have done to me. I tried to talk to the superintendent once and it took me nearly 2 months to get to speak to him including one instance where he said he just couldn’t make it to the school since he was buried in office work and I saw him eating lunch at the school with a bunch of kids. When I finally got to speak to him, he completely changed the subject to the classes the school offered (which was semi-justified since I’d told him I wanted to talk about that too, but he ignored the bullying part). I’ve told counselers…every one I’ve ever had. When I come in a class crying, half the time teachers don’t ask whats wrong they just say “Yes, you can go” and wave their hand because they know I’ll be hiding in the counseler’s office.
And, everyone’s favourite, I’ve told my parents. Back in elementary school they’d listen a little. In 5th grade, my dad even went to the superintendent (that was back in Arkansas, I’m in Alabama now with the one that won’t listen) when the principal there tried to punish me for “physically assaulting” a boy because I pushed said boy off of me…after he pushed me up against a wall and started touching me and threatening me. The principal was black and was a huge racist (and I’m not black, but the boy that was touching me was) and he got in huge trouble with the superintendent. The only time my dad has gotten involved since we moved to Alabama just before I started 7th grade was an incident last year, junior year, and that was only because the counseler brought me home because I was crying so hard I couldn’t see and I was terrified to get on the bus. And she wanted to explain to my dad that the crying was justified and that I wasn’t just “being dramatic” as daddy likes to call it. And all he did was listen to the counseler and agree with her though after a few weeks he started blaming the incident on me. The last incident, a week ago, he woldn’t even hear about. When he came home from work and saw me crying, he told me flat out he didn’t care. Later he came to my room and told me a story about work when I asked, confused, what that had to do with me he said “It has to do with ME because I came home stressed and I don’t want to hear from YOU”. So I don’t have parents I can go to. My step mom listens sometimes (or pretends to quite well…she never remembers anythng but the main point but she always nods at the right time) but she always says “there’s nothing I can do”. Both parents say to me that I cause the bullying because I’m obbsessed with being “different” form my clothing (dark, yes, but not as theatrical as many I’m sure you’ve heard from unfortnatly, I’m not allowed), to my art (non-twilight style vampire science fiction, anime/manga drawing, dark and usually protest-ful paintings, ect), and my religion (Only Muslim in the family, converted in August on the first day of Ramadan…and I live in the bible belt). And I hang out with the “weird people” (the two chinese students who barely speak English, kids not in my grade, other artists, ect). Daddy says its my fault and he doesn’t care and if I did then I’d go to the principal…and he doesn’t seem to believe that I practically live in the office of said principal.
I don’t have anyone and I don’t know what to do. I never thought I’d say this about bullies…but these kids aren’t stupid. Not completely at least. They know that, even if there is no reaction given by me, I’m still hearing every word and every word, every syllable, hurts me. And any human WILL burst if they just don’t stop. They know it might take a year, ten years, but it will happen. their parents told them too “ignore it” but it still hurt them when their siblings did it (because with some of them, siblings would be the only ones brave enough to say something) and they know it will hurt me. I’m only human after all.
I’ve tried everything in this article with the exception of talking to the police and pressing charges. That said, I’ve been spending a lot of time lately doing research about how best to approach the police (when its their kids or kids they babysat since infancy doing this) and how best to go about pressing charges and so far its all very confusing.
Like I said, I’m new here and I havent gone through the site to see if you’ve done this already so, if you have, please ignore this last bit. But could you maybe do an article of some sort about going to the police and pressing charges? That’s what I need to know and I don’t want to read it in confusing lawyer-speak or about how to do it in the UK when I’m American or anything like that.
I’m a senior…I havent got a lot fo time left at my school and the teachers say I need to just shut up and “quit trying to cause a problem” but I don’t want this last semester to be bad and I DEFINITELY don’t want to walk across that stage when I graduate and think how I’m leaving behind my younger friends (one of which only knows about 4 words in english and is in 10th grade…She’s Chinese) to the sharks when, and no insult intended since I love them to death, some of them are too afraid/outnumbered/generally unwilling to stand up for themselves or try to fight all this like I do.
Could you help me maybe?
-Robyn
I was also bullied in Junior High school. It was a very long time ago (early ’70s), and the only thing that stopped it was standing up for myself, and yes, I mean physical retaliation. There were tons of witnesses to the original bullying, and my retaliation, and not once did I ever get into trouble. The best part was gaining a reputation as someone that was better left alone.
I am not recommending that any of you take this course of action, but I wanted to state that it was the only thing that worked for me.
My heart goes out to all of you that have been bullied. Where are the parents of these bullies? Why aren’t they taught to be decent human beings?
This is for everyone out there who has been bullied, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Back when I was in elementary & middle school in a school district that I will not name, I was bullied for many different reasons. I’ve always been very different. I’m a very odd person, I weigh 180 pounds (but I’m not afraid to admit my obesity and weight issues) & I was always quick to understand the things I was taught. The girls in my elementary school class would always be in their own little world (that would normally not include me) so I had very few girlfriends. One of my only friends was also an odd-ball-out because he was epileptic. I had this one incident in which a kid in my class named Wilbur came into the classroom when I went to retrieve the windbreaker that I had forgotten for recess. He blocked the doorway and began to harass me. He pushed me, pulled my hair, called me a fat & ugly monster and made me cry until my childhood crush came to my rescue. My crush reported it and the teachers reprimanded Wilbur but they didn’t help.
Middle school became worse. Kids always found it easy to pick on me since I was so odd. I started to slowly discover Goth but I chose to try and fit in as hard as possible. Big mistake. My “friends” would force me to do their homework several times, one kid sexually harassed me in the middle of class because he wanted me to give him a blowjob (I punched him in the groin), I was on the verge of joining a gang in desperation for the protection & sense of belonging that I desperately wanted and I constantly got into both verbal and physical fights. Even most of the punk kids (except for one) in that school would mock me. I’m no good with words so I could almost never speak up for myself. I took up drama so that I could try to build some self-confidence and a cool persona for when I was forced to fight. My mum also put me in karate classes thinking that if I learned to fight that I would develop confidence & learn to defend myself properly. When kids got a wind of my taking up karate, things only got worse. Everyone asks me why I’m so good with weapons but I find myself too ashamed to tell them of my bullying experience.
In 8th grade, I was transferred to a new school district. It was hard to adjust at first because I was so afraid of being harassed, but soon I made some wonderful friends in my new middle school. I didn’t speak of my experiences at the other district much. Even though things were better, I still struggled with accepting myself for who I really was. In my first year of high school, I didn’t even think about all those horrible things because I tried to move on. Only problem was that I couldn’t. I started smoking cigarettes, I was rather depressed and I was angry at the world because I felt very misunderstood. I tried to forget but the only thing others saw in me was a scary street thug.
Even to this day, I still struggle to be okay with myself and I barely even go out because I am so ashamed of my body. I have lost quite a lot of weight but it still pains me when I am called fat or ugly. I feel like I’m not beautiful at all and it hurts. Sure, I finally learned how to love myself somewhat, I’ve finally embraced being Goth & Wiccan and I don’t even care about what other say since I’ve heard all the insults in the world (that and my job just drains me on a daily basis). I turn 20 next month and yet I still have trouble accepting myself or being myself in front of certain groups of people. My paranoia is always present whenever I am in front of company.
The karate classes should you choose to take them will help you calm down and center yourself as well as teach you how to defend yourself from physical attacks. Drama classes do help with speaking up a little and develop you… “alter ego” if you will. In my case, I was always known as the “Samurai Girl” or “Ninja Girl.” I won’t say what you should or shouldn’t do but I can only advise you to please speak up. Its still not too late. Tell as many people as possible and do whatever it takes to get them to believe you. Take videos with your phone, take pictures of all the damages done to your locker… hell, consider tape recording all of your run-ins with your tormentors. Just don’t suffer quietly.
To the ones currently going through bullying right now, I offer you a hug. To my fellow survivors, I give a well-deserved high five and hope the best for y’all in your journey for self-acceptance.
Keep records of everything (and photos). Who did what, when, and if there were witnesses. If it happens more than 1 or 2 times, and it is the sort of thing that would cause any reasonable person fear, it is Stalking. Most states in the U.S. have laws against stalking. Tell school officials (and keep records of that; I like the idea of making them sign a paper that says you talked to them), tell your parents, tell teachers (I like the way others have suggested how to find the ones that will help). And if it is Stalking, tell law enforcement. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. Verbal and physical violence happens because people choose to be violent jerks. Be yourself, and be proud of who you are!
I have been a Goth since I was quite young. I was lucky enough to grow up with a father who didn’t consider himself “goth,” but was known to wear a lot of dark colors, listen to darker music, wear eyeliner on occasion and enjoyed tattoos and piercings. So, he was quite understanding of what it meant to be different. He taught me from a young age that bullies are not worth the effort or my energy. He taught me that hating these people took
More of my time that could be spent doing something positive and/or productive. So, I learned how to defeat those who saught to torment me by NOT CARING. When someone would call me a name, I would tell them in a joking manner that I had heard that one before and that they should think a little harder next time. Or once I was pushed down a small set of stairs, I laughed about it, saying that falling down the stairs was a faster way to get down them than walking. The bullies eventually just stopped, either because they couldn’t get the reaction they were craving or because they thought I was crazy. Lol. The point is that these bullies will not matter in the big picture of life. I can’t even remember many of their names, since I graduated high school 4 years ago. I sometimes hope that they grew up to accept difference, but most of the time I don’t think about them. My life is better off without thoughts of these tormentors. The energy that could have been stuck dwelling on them, is now spent raising my children to be better people. Keep your head up my fellow Goths. School is such a short time, it gets better.
Hello again, I feel the need to just add another comment (I have already commented once, forgive me).
Adults can be bullied too (whoever says to a student that they ought to grow up and deal with their bullies is not fit to be working in a school, and quite probably any human being for that matter!). Adults who are being bullied in the work place do need to learn some assertiveness and self-confidence (it will help more in the long run), but I urge anyone of adult age being victimised at their place of work to report it. Regardless of age, bullying is not acceptable and companies do have procedures with which to deal with bullying.
Assertiveness will get your further in the workplace, however. Bullies in the workplace can’t really resort to such obvious methods (profanity, name-calling, violence etc) without revealing themselves. Generally they pick out the person who is quieter and do all they can to belittle and undermine them without it being immediately obvious to co-workers and employers what they are doing. As upsetting as it can be, in many ways it is easier to fight back against, and sometimes easier to ignore, because at least they generally can’t resort to such extreme measures. But do report these incidences if they occur and you feel that they are making your working life unhappy. Like all bullies, they don’t expect you to actually fight back, and them ending up with a non-compliance/warning might make them think twice. Judge by your own situation of course.