Why Do Guys Like Goth Girls?

The Lady of the Manners will be honest, Snarklings: she’s been holding onto this reader question for a while, because there are many different things to address, and the Lady of the Manners felt a little overwhelmed and freely admits that she won’t be able to cover everything or delve very deeply into the parts she does cover.

I found your site interest [sic] and by mistake. Great site. Was looking up ”˜why guys like goth girls.’ Maybe you can answer that question for me real quick like. Anyway thanks for all what you do.

(An aside: The Lady of the Manners is going to use “guys” as a shorthand for male-presenting folks, and “girls” for those who present as female.)

First things first: there are a lot of relationships where one of the people identify as goth, but their partner doesn’t. It has nothing to do with “liking goth girls/guys”, but is that the non-goth was attracted to the other person for many reasons. The Lady of the Manners’ dear husband isn’t a goth, and she knows his preliminary interest wasn’t about her being a spooky creature of the night, but about who she was as a person.

  • Aesthetics. Goth has a striking look, and many people are attracted to it. Many goths like to date other goths, and even people who don’t consider themselves aligned with the subculture are fascinated by the black clothes and darkly decadent look. (This is part of the reason why fashion designers and cosmetic companies are inspired by stylistic elements of the goth aesthetic season after season.)

  • Weirdness. This, in the Lady of the Manners’ experience, tends to apply to guys, and especially ones who aren’t part of the goth subculture or don’t know a lot about it. To them goth girls are “weird”, and therefore exciting. The guy may think that having a goth girlfriend makes him seem cooler or more interesting. “Look how open-minded I am”, he may think, “I’m dating a girl totally unlike me, and she’s so weird!”

And in some cases the weirdness factor goes hand in hand with ”¦

  • Perceived promiscuity and kinkiness. Goth fashion, especially on the feminine side, borrows a lot of stylistic notes from fetish fashion: Corsets, fishnets, bondage collars, perilously high stiletto heels, and so on. There’s nothing wrong with that. But guys, especially ones who aren’t part of the subculture, may associate those fashions with sex and sexual kinks, and automatically assume that any woman wearing those things will be easy to pick up for sex, and will probably be interested in doing “weird stuff”.

Let the Lady of the Manners be very clear: there is nothing wrong with having casual sex or sexual kinks as long as everything is consensual and safe. But there are guys out there who assume any goth girl is fair game, and deliberately go to goth clubs on this assumption. The mildest form of this is “just” objectifying any goth girl, but that assumption frequently leads to unwanted attention and the ignoring of boundaries.

Sadly, it’s not just guys outside of the goth community who do this; we have creepers inside the crypt, too. And in a way, the Lady of the Manners finds that even more disheartening. People who belong to the community and subculture should understand the social nuances and cues that are part of it and not tolerate any level of sexually predatory behavior.

You may think the Lady of the Manners is being a bit overbearing in using the term sexually predatory behavior. She’s not. Some people scoff at the idea of goth clubs and events being spaces where people feel safe, and declare that if you’re going to a club, you should expect to be propositioned and touched. No. That’s not appropriate anywhere, but especially in a community for people who feel outside of the “normal” world.

So while this is a bit of a tangent from the original “why do guys like goth girls” question, this is information the Lady of the Manners believes is vitally important. What should you do if you are the target of inappropriate attention while at a goth club?

  • If you go to the club with friends, decide on code words or gestures to use to signal that one of you needs backup. If the creeper tries to engage with you, one of your friends should step in and start a conversation with you that pointedly ignores the creeper, and/or walk you to another area in the club.

  • Tell one of the club employees, preferably a bouncer. At the least, the bouncer should keep an eye on the creeper. Hopefully the bouncer would go have a word with the creeper, or even remove them from the club.

  • A “whisper network”. While the Lady of the Manners is all for a public Name and Shame approach for predators, that can backfire and lead to a “he said/she said” storm of nonsense. Which means that private conversations and warnings about people to be wary of is invaluable. Back when the Lady of the Manners went to clubs regularly, she was part of a group of women who kept an eye out for new attendees – especially any younger ones! – and gave them a quick warning. “He’ll stare at you creepily all night. That one will try and have uncomfortably inappropriate conversations with you. That one is someone to be wary of in general.”

Creepers and sexual predators are a blight upon our subculture, and should not be tolerated even slightly. If someone attempts to defend this behavior, ask if the person they’re defending behaves in a manner that Morticia and Gomez Addams would approve of.

So in short: some guys like goth girls because they’re also part of the subculture. Some guys like goth girls because they’re “strange and unusual”. Some guys like goth girls because of sketchy assumptions about the behavior of goth girls in general.

What about you, Snarklings? Can you think of other reasons why guys may like goth girls? Additional advice on how to deal with creepers? The comments are open! (And moderated with an iron fist inside a velvet glove, to no one’s surprise.)

12 Responses to “Why Do Guys Like Goth Girls?”

  1. Wade Says:

    Hello, m’lady. Though I’m a Goth as well, for my part I think it is that the Goth ladies are perceived as being more tolerant of “weirdness” than non-Goths. By being part of this subculture, they signal that they accept at least some differences in others. Right or wrong, that makes a potential suitor more comfortable putting himself “out there.” After all, one of the foundations of a good relationship is being accepted for who you are by your significant other, so those seeking something like that look for it early. The suitors must remember, though, that no still means no, and it should not be taken personally. Just say thank you and move on.

  2. Aunt Mimi Says:

    Thank you Aunt Jilly, I’m sharing this for the baby bats on my FB page.

  3. Peruda Says:

    I’ve been in at least two relationships that were the result of the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” trope. They wanted me and my quirkiness to give their mundane and depressing lives meaning and colour. The problem with it is that manic pixie dream girls aren’t allowed to have lives and needs of their own.

  4. 3Duranium Says:

    I find goth girls to be attractive in general. They exude beauty and, depending on the style, exude maturity, cuteness, savagery, etc; all depending upon style. Despite that though, people need to remember that goths are human beings and as such must be treated with respect. If someone wants sex that badly, it is better for them to stay home and watch porno than to go around propositioning every girl they meet just because they can’t be bothered to attempt any control of their lust.

  5. TheQuietestLilBucket Says:

    think all of the above is true, but there’s also the attractiveness of “creatives” in play as well- there’s the trope/stereotype that people who are not mainstream are always artists of some kind. To be fair, the goths/goth adjacent people I know do all have creative jobs and/or hobbies, but that’s also basically true of people in general.

  6. Carmen Beaudry Says:

    Bi-female person here, but one of the reason I am attracted to Goth girls is that they are less likely to be judgemental of my weirdness, even if it doesn’t match theirs.

  7. divonne retribution Says:

    another aspect of the idea that goth girls are expected to be into kinky stuff is that a lot of men tend to assume goth women are “a lesbian”, “bicurious”, or “bisexual”, in that they expect goth women will be willing to perform sexual acts on other women specifically and explicitly for their pleasure and entertainment. the assumption has very little to do with any true attraction to other women and more an extension of the fantasy of a woman who won’t say no to or refuse any of his desires, similar to how lesbian and bisexual women are presented in pornography aimed towards men and how (assumed) kinkiness or promiscuity is treated as consent.

  8. Bobby A. Says:

    As a goth guy, I had always been more attracted to goth women mostly due to the fact that we had more in common. Generally I’d guess we had similar tastes in music (musically subculture and all), books, movies, etc… This isn’t always the case as every person is different. Having someone next to me that for the most part had a similar taste in fashion helped too. However as I near 39 years old I’ve since married a country girl (who’d have thought that?!) who is the exact opposite from me I’m pretty much every way but we love each other very much and have our 10 year marriage anniversary in May. And yes, she was ok with me wearing mostly black and silver at our wedding.

  9. Donovan Says:

    My club days were back in the 90s & I’m sure some elements have changed. Back then, there were usually plenty of gentlemen who would step in when assistance was needed with an inferior specimen. I think everything above is true. Goth or otherwise, I’ve come across about the same number of creepers but their expectations vary. There is a presumption of promiscuity, and kink, but there is also curiosity and a sense that a Goth might be a bit dangerous and more exciting than another girl. There is also a certain darkness that not everyone has & it can be a comfort to find that in someone else, be it in a philosophical sense or in sense of humor. Guys like Goth girls, but there are people out there who are aesthetically attracted to every style, shape, size, color etc… Goth girls are likely to meet guys who find them alluring. If the girl reciprocates, hopefully they will get to know each other beyond the surface where real relationships are formed.
    BTW – I just found this page & love it.

  10. Gene Wirchenko Says:

    I am not interested in getting involved romantically with anyone right now and maybe never, but …

    I am a 58-year-old, white male. I would call myself a near-Goth. I have a liking for light horror and have a sometimes dark sense of humour.

    I might be interested in a Goth lady 1) because of commonality with the above, 2) nice weirdness (I like different viewpoints; it has nothing to do with me being “open-minded”), 3) because of the sartorial style that some Goth ladies have (Yes, I like the looks of, can I call it fancy Goth?), or 4) anything that I might find attractive about any lady.

    As to “Perceived promiscuity and kinkiness”, that would be repulsive to me.

    I could be interested in a person — Goth or not — as a friend. I am not presenting myself as typical but hope this helps.

  11. Kara Says:

    Thank you for writing on this very important topic. After having attended clubs on and off for 20 years, I’ve experianced my share of creeps. In my experiance there is often at least one gentleman in the club ready to save a “damsel in distress” without expecting any form of reward. I’ve several times had someone come up to me and ask me to dance, invite me to sit at their table, or otherwise saved me from the uncomfortable situation, and it has always been most welcome. Last time I experianced something truely unique. Two guys who wandered in off the street, and we had a long and interesting discussion on the topic of goth. They seemed genuinly interested, and not creepy at all! One of the regulars came and sat with us for a while to make sure everything was OK, but for once it was not needed (but stil welcome).

  12. Jake Says:

    I have a goth gf and i want to keep her.

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