Content warnings before you read this post: it discusses abusive and predatory behavior, manipulation, and issues of consent.
Gather ‘round, Snarklings, it’s time to discuss a serious topic: predators and creeps in the goth subculture. The Lady of the Manners should have addressed this topic long before now – because it’s never gone away. But things have also gotten worse because DMs on assorted social media platforms means there are even more ways for predators to take advantage of people.
Some context for what the Lady of the Manners is talking about, from the ever-helpful Wikipedia:
“The missing stair is a metaphor for a person within a social group or organization who many people know is untrustworthy or otherwise has to be “managed”, but around whom the group chooses to work by discreetly warning newcomers of their behavior, rather than address the person and their behavior openly. The “missing stair” in the metaphor refers to a dangerous structural fault, such as a missing step in a staircase; a fault that people may become used to and quietly accepting of, that is not openly signposted or fixed, and that newcomers to a group or organization are warned about discreetly.“
The phrase was coined by blogger Cliff Jerrison in a 2012 post on The Pervocracy, a blog about BDSM and kink. Describing a man in his social circle known to be a rapist, Pervocracy wrote:
“People had gotten so used to working around this guy, to accommodating his “special requirements,” that they didn’t feel like there was an urgent problem in their community. They did eventually expel him, but it was after months of it being widely shared knowledge that he was a rapist. […] I think there were some people in the community who were intentionally protecting him, but there were more who were de facto protecting him by treating him like a missing stair. Like something you’re so used to working around, you never stop to ask “what if we actually fixed this?” Eventually you take it for granted that working around this guy is just a fact of life, and if he hurts someone, that’s the fault of whoever didn’t apply the workarounds correctly.”
As much as the Lady of the Manners and other goths wish it wasn’t so, our subculture has a problem with people who are missing stairs. It’s certainly not just our subculture, but when other goths occasionally act like the call isn’t coming from inside our house, the Lady of the Manners gets very frustrated and angry.
Keep in mind that not all creepy or predatory behavior is illegal, which means that the only way to deal with it socially, be it whisper networks or people finally freezing the person out of the scene.
The most important thing: listen to your instincts. If someone makes you uneasy or feel unsafe, if you think someone is trying to push your boundaries in ways you feel uncomfortable with, don’t engage with them. You don’t have to give an explanation, don’t worry about hurting their feelings or that everyone else seems okay with them, just end contact with them and do what you can to avoid them.
The Lady of the Manners knows this can be difficult, especially for those who dislike confrontation or whose reactions to behavior that makes them uneasy fall under the freeze or fawn categories instead of fight. But your boundaries are yours to protect – never feel bad about doing so.
While there will be creepers who are blatantly obvious, who are someone everyone knows about and does their best to ignore and sometimes freeze out of the scene, sadly those extremely visible types are not the common ones. Instead there will be the creeps who are considered okay. “Oh, they’re really nice, they’re just really flirty”. “Oh, they treat everyone like that, it’s no big deal”. “It’s just a hug, why are you acting like that?”. “Those DMs were just jokes – stop overreacting”.
Sometimes, but not always, these people have some sort of status in the goth scene that gives them a weird form of immunity; they’re in a band, they’re a promoter, they’re a DJ, they’ve been around in the scene since the dawn of time. Because everyone else seems fine with them, you may feel like you’re overreacting. Everyone else being fine with them shouldn’t mean a damn thing to you; if that person’s behavior makes you uncomfortable, stay away from them. If they try to interact with you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, tell them “No”, “Don’t send me messages”, “That’s not funny”, or “Don’t touch me”, and then do everything you can to avoid them without depriving yourself of the subculture and community. There have been times that the Lady of the Manners has avoided attending events or going to goth clubs because of people she was uncomfortable around. That eventually changed to the Lady of the Manners going to those things with people she felt safe with, people she knew who would help her successfully avoid the people she wanted to avoid.
Sometimes the person to avoid isn’t generally known as someone to be avoided; they’re the sort that have the “Oh, they treat everyone like that, it’s no big deal” reputation. And you may be fine with their behavior at first! It’s only as boundaries are pushed that you start to suspect things aren’t okay, and even then you don’t want to cause drama. The Lady of the Manners understands this all too well. But again, listen to your instincts, and know that you are absolutely allowed to change your mind about what people and behaviors you’re okay with.
Whisper networks: every local goth scene, even online goth scenes, has a whisper network. There are always the goth aunties and uncles who will take someone aside to say, “That person who is cozying up to you or paying a lot of attention to you? Keep them at a distance”. The people warning you may not explain why or at the most vaguely allude to “sketchy behavior”. It’s up to you if you want to press for more details or to start asking around for information. Sometimes being very informed is a good thing, but sometimes that information, in addition to being upsetting, will disillusion you with the community and/or the people still associating with the creep.
Why isn’t the whisper network a shouting network? Because the person being whispered about has friends who will argue with what that network is saying and try to undermine them with familiar “Oh, those people are just trying to start drama” comments. Because the people who are warning you may not have as much status or clout as who they’re talking about. Because it’s only a small group of people who have had negative experiences with that person, and others think they’re overreacting.
But sometimes those whisper networks stop whispering and can change the perception of the creep in question. Enough people start comparing notes and seeing the patterns of their behavior, and then more people speak up. With luck, the creep is eventually ostracized, and if they’re brought up, their predatory behavior is one of the first things mentioned.
The Lady of the Manners fervently hopes that the need for whisper networks fades, and that predatory or creepy people are immediately identified, called out, and ostracized. The Lady of the Manners is also enough of a realist to know that’s not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. So let her repeat: trust your instincts, and if you feel safe enough, be part of the whisper network in order to help others.
Okay, Snarklings, the comments are open. Be respectful and kind to each other.
I’m so glad this is a topic that’s being addressed honestly. In many of my social scenes I’ve been made to feel like I’m over reacting when I shout about someone’s weird behaviors, even if others are also uncomfortable in private. I agree that one of the best ways to ensure safe spaces ACTUALLY stay safe spaces, is to ensure that those who would harm others are not given any sort of an opportunity to do so.
I recommend learning a little bit about the DARVO behavior pattern – it is used by abusers in an attempt to re-frame the narratives of their accusers/victims. Being aware of it can really be helpful when dealing with a broken stair situation.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
You should also watch out for it in personal relationships.
Respect goes a long way. When I moved from the Punk World to what became Deathrock (later absorbed into the Goth scene in LA) in late 1984 it was just an unwritten rule to be cool to the people who came before us which in my case were the people who started it here who later became my friends. I see little to no sense of that with today’s mixed bag of scenes hence I stay loyal to clubs catering to the scene Elders now in our mid 50’s and 60s. It’s been such a big part of our lives that retirement has been like death and not in a good way hence why a number of us who are still alive have resurfaced. After all, this is The Scene that Never Dies and Generation X is doing our part.