Snarklings, this it. This is the post in which the Lady of the Manners is going to attempt to address THE question that arrives in the Gothic Charm School mailbox the most often. Now, the Lady of the Manners has indeed addressed this question before, in various ways, but this is going to be the comprehensive answer to this dilemma that so many of you young Snarklings are facing.
The dilemma? Parents not approving of or letting you be a Goth.
First things first: if you are attracted to finding beauty in darkness, if you are fascinated by the macabre, the grotesque, and the morbid, if the music, literature, and aesthetics of Goth have wrapped their inky black tendrils around your heart, mind, and soul, then no one can change that or take that away from you. (Unless, of course, your tastes change, as sometimes they do, and that’s fine too.) If you have found a home in the Goth subculture, your parents expressing their disapproval or dismay at what appeals to you isn’t going to change that. No really, it isn’t. You may have to downplay your interest in the culture and its trappings, you may have to wait until you are off at school or have moved out on your own, but Goth isn’t going anywhere. It’s an artistic movement that has been around, in one form or another, for centuries.
However, the Lady of the Manners also knows that she’s being a trifle disingenuous with that answer, because that’s not really what you young Snarklings are asking for help with. You want to have your exterior represent your interior; you want to dress the part and be able to look like the fabulous creatures of darkness that you are in your hearts. And that is what your parents tend to object to. For example, there’s this letter from Mary-Sue:
Dear Lady of the Manners,
I told my parents I was Goth and they just laughed. They insisted that no, I was not Goth, and that yes, it WAS just a phase. I tried telling them about some great videos on YouTube by kazlovesbats, SebastianTheGirl, LeahMouse, and you, who were all saying generally the same thing about the subculture, but they didn’t want to see any of them, and they wouldn’t listen to anything I myself had to say. This pretty much sucks because I want to dress in black, and studs, and have the makeup, and all the other stuff I think is cool-looking, but I’m broke and have no car or life, so I can only go shopping when and where they take me. What do I do to make them see this the way I do?
~Mary-Sue
Now Mary-Sue did one of the things the Lady of the Manners would have suggested, which was to show her parents videos that explained about the subculture. Alas, they weren’t willing to watch them, and weren’t willing to listen to anything that Mary-Sue had to say. So turn things around. Ask your parents what are their objections to Goth? What makes them so sure that you aren’t a Goth and that it is just a phase?
The “just a phase” comment is something the Lady of the Manners has wanted to come back to for a while now, actually. For many in the Goth world, being told that “it’s just a phase” is exasperating because we know that it isn’t. To have something so important to us dismissed as a passing fancy makes us feel like the person saying that is ignorant (willfully or not) of an aspect of ourselves. This is especially disheartening and hurtful when it comes from people who have known us for all our lives, and who should have a better understanding of what is important to us. Not to mention the subtext of “it’s just a phase” — that this interest is shallow, frivolous, and that we’ll “grow out of it” — is laden with condescension and scorn.
However, for some people, Goth is “just a phase”, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either. Not everyone who develops an interest in the spooky and the macabre forms a lifelong attachment. Some people want to explore the subculture and then drift away from it as other things attract their interests. Let the Lady of the Manners repeat herself: there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make those people “poseurs”, and it doesn’t make them deserving of ridicule, it just means that they’re trying on identities and interests until they find the things that really speak to them. Not everyone knows, deep down to the marrow of their bones, who they are and who they want to be, and one of the best things about life is that there are millions upon millions of chances to discover and learn about new ideas. If someone was once interested in Goth but eventually decides it’s not for them, that’s fine. The Lady of the Manners just hopes that those people understand that for some others, Goth is not a phase, but something we stick with for our entire lives.
As to parents saying “it’s just a phase”, the Lady of the Manners has a question for them: So? So what if your child’s interest in Goth is a phase? Do you dismiss everything they show an interest in as “just a phase”? Wouldn’t it be better to ask your child to explain their (possibly to you) newfound fascination, so you can find out what draws them to it, and you can have a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be? Take this opportunity to have a conversation about what they like, about what fascinates them and what motivates them to explore these shadowy corners of the world. Encourage them to learn about the history of Goth — not just the music and subculture that grew out of the end of the punk era, but the historical, artistic, and literary roots of the Gothic movement. There really is more to it than strange music played by people in eccentric black clothing, and learning about the world is never a bad thing.
—
Gwyn Grim has found a way around her parents’ disapproval of her Goth wardrobe:
Dear Lady of the Manners,
I’m in love with goth culture and I’ve been drawn to it since I was 2 years old. But my parents are very disapproving of the culture, I suppose Marilyn Manson set a bad example. I’m always searching through eBay for the most beautiful dresses, nothing too elaborate but just enough. Simply knee-length lace corset dresses. What I’ve been doing is my brother buys the dresses and ships it to my best friend, and I keep the dresses there and I don’t wear them around my parents. It gets quite tiring though and I dunno what to do. I feel like a fake I suppose because I can’t dress this way around my parents. What should I do? Is there an indirect way to get my parents to be more accepting?
~Gwyn Grim
The Lady of the Manners is shaking her head in a fond and indulgent manner at you, because your clever way of indulging in your gothy finery is actually a long-standing tradition in the subculture. The Lady of the Manners has strong memories of some of her friends coming to school dressed in a normal, unremarkable manner only to transform themselves with the clothes and makeup they had brought with them in their messenger bags. And yes, they made very sure to reverse the process and don their camouflage before they returned home every day.
Does the Lady of the Manners condone such subterfuge in order to dress the way you want? Mmm, in a way. Sartorial self-expression is an important thing, and there are many people who never feel confident or secure enough to dress the way they really want to. The Lady of the Manners doesn’t want to encourage any of you Snarklings to out-and-out lie to your parents, but does feel that having an “away from home” wardrobe is not a horrible crime. But as Gwyn Grim says, it does get quite tiring to be constantly switching back and forth.
Are you a fake because you can’t dress the way you want to around your parents? Good heavens, no. How Goth you are is not determined by your wardrobe. The Lady of the Manners realizes that her saying this will be a bit of a shock to some people, what with her well-known devotion to elaborate clothing. But being able to indulge in inky black clothing is not a sure sign that someone is a Real Goth; it just means they don’t have to suffer the limitations of dress codes that other people do. As the Lady of the Manners has said before, Goth is a matter of aesthetics that encompasses many things. A person could drape themselves in all the black velvet in the world and live in black eyeliner and lipstick, but if they don’t have an appreciation for (or at the very least knowledge of) the music and literature that were the catalysts to summon this subculture out of the formless darkness, then they’re not quite Goth. An interest in the shadowy fashions can absolutely lead someone to discovering the Goth world, but those shadowy fashions are not the be all and end all of the Goth subculture.
How to get your parents to be more accepting of your interest in Goth? The thing the Lady of the Manners always suggests: talk to them. Find out why they object to Goth. Many parents are hesitant about their children expressing an interest in Goth because the very foundation of the subculture is about exploring and examining ideas that are not always happy, ideas that make people feel unsettled and uneasy. Parents, with the best of intentions, want to protect their kids from that for as long as they possibly can, even if that protective attitude isn’t actually helping anyone. Another objection many parents have with regard to Goth is because of the image of Goths as dangerously decadent types, and if their child shows an interest in Goth, it means they’re growing up “too fast”, and becoming someone that the parents have no idea how to communicate with.
So talk to them. Arm yourself with examples of family-friendly Goth media such as The Addams Family, The Munsters, the character of Abby on NCIS (a friendly, professionally-successful Goth on mainstream TV!), Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, or Emily the Strange. Play them songs by The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Voltaire, or Rasputina. Point out to them that the Goth label applies to literary classics such as Dracula, Wuthering Heights, and everything by Edgar Allan Poe. (And of course, you could hand them a copy of the Gothic Charm School book or have them watch the Gothic Charm School videos!)
Tell them what sparked your interest in the Goth, why it resonates with you, and why you want to express yourself that way. (An aside: telling your parents that you like Goth because it’s “edgy”, “so hardcore”, or “it’s black like my soul” is not going to set them at ease.) Point out to them that exploring the Gothic subculture involves reading classic literature, studying history and art, and encourages people to think for themselves and become who they want to.
Alas, the Lady of the Manners does have to tell you there is a chance that no matter how calmly and clearly you explain yourself and how many examples you show to your parents, they won’t budge in their opinion that No Child Of Theirs Is Going To Be A Goth. So then what can you do? As the Lady of the Manners said at the beginning of this lesson, you may have to wait a few years to fully become the gothy creature you long to be; that you will able to sneak in the music, the books, and the general ideas of Goth into your life, but that you may not be able to completely express yourself in the way you want. Yes, that’s a frustrating idea. If you feel so strongly about it that you are willing to deal with arguments and recriminations from your disapproving parents, the Lady of the Manners wishes you luck and emotional resiliency. She just wants to remind you that your gothness is also not determined by how much you rebel against your parents’ wishes, and that sometimes adopting a veneer of “normalcy” is worth it to keep the peace at home.
—
Then there are the letters that make the Lady of the Manners’ heart ache for the babybat writing in, such as this one:
My mom is CONSTANTLY on my case about what makeup I wear. I’m shy of 13 (I’m still a babybat) and even though I have told her I don’t care what others will think of me, I still get lots of backlash from her with her telling me society will close doors for me. NOT TRUE. Yes, I’m pale, but that doesn’t mean I have to wear light makeup. I like dark makeup. She has told me I look like a slut and no boy will ever like me because I look like, and I quote, a fucking zombie drag-queen that got punched in the eyes. I’ve tried calmly talking to her and my dad, but nothing has worked. She still is so critical. I still get straight A’s, excel in my music and athletics, and she focuses on what is on my face instead of my good qualities. What should I do?
Sincerely, a desperate babybat
Darling, the Lady of the Manners needs you to show this section of the post to your mother right now.
Dear mother of the desperate babybat: what on earth are you THINKING in saying such things to your daughter? No one, NO ONE deserves to have such things said to them, much less your own child. You may not like how she wants to look, but that does not mean she deserves to be called “a fucking zombie drag queen” or any other rude, hurtful, disrespectful things. Children are not clones of yourself, they are their own selves with their own interests and tastes. Lambasting them with cruelty for being different isn’t going to change the way they are, it’s going to make them withdraw from you and leave lasting emotional scars. Why would you want to do that to your child?
For the babybat going through this: be strong. Try to keep in mind that your mother is almost certainly saying these things out of fear, because society does try to freeze out the people who are different, and she probably wants to save you from strife and hardship. She’s going about it in a horrible way, but at the heart of it, she probably thinks she’s being cruel to be kind in a “tough love” sort of way.
What should you do when your mother talks to you like this? In as calm and dignified a manner as you possibly can, tell your mother that you don’t agree with her, that you do not deserve to be spoken to like that, and (if at all possible) walk away from her. Go to another room, go for a walk around the block, but make it clear you will not stay there and be insulted. If it’s not possible to walk away and end the conversation, do everything you can to stay calm and keep repeating “I don’t agree with you.” Avoid getting into an argument if you can, and keep reminding her of the good (better than good, amazing!) things you are doing with your grades, music, and athletics.
Finally, if your mother keeps belittling your appearance and hurling insults at you, you may want to think about going into stealth Goth mode for a while, and give up makeup entirely. No, it’s not a thrilling prospect, and the Lady of the Manners understands that. But if the makeup is the one thing your mother keeps fixating on, then it may be simpler to save expressing yourself with cosmetics for a few years; while the Lady of the Manners dislikes the phrase “wait until you’re older”, your mother may be less hostile about your cosmetic choices when you’re in the middle of your teen years as opposed to “shy of 13”. And let the Lady of the Manners assure you that your gothiness will not vanish just because you aren’t able to indulge in dark shades of makeup. There are many gothy people who don’t wear any makeup at all; black eyeliner is not a prerequisite for being a Goth.
—
In a perfect world, none of this would be an issue, and your parents would allow you to explore the shadowy world of Goth and encourage your self-expression, instead of trying to squash it in the name of fitting in. There are enough other people in the world who will try and mold you into what they think is right without your parents attempting to do the same. So, Snarklings, be true to yourselves and remember that no matter how frustrating things get, there are others out there like you.
And to drive home the point that there are others out there like you, that you aren’t alone: comments are OPEN. Moderated as always, but open. So please, show each other some support.
I have a story for desperate babybat.
When I was a young teenager (sort of 14 years-old) my mother asked what did I want as a birthday gift. I asked for black sheets and a black coverlet for my bed, and got a puzzled look and a “I am taking you to a psychiatrist” instead. Knowing my mother, I thought the threat (and possibly the consequences) were very real, and let the thing go.
Instead, I resorted to books. What the dear Lady of the Manners would call gothic books. And music. And poetry. And writing. I would find refuge in my room and my solitude, and I let myself be empowered by those things, and I hid my Goth card in them. I would not talk about Goth at all (at the time I did not know I was a Goth), and I waited.
One day (probably 2 years from the birthday incident), going shopping with my mother, I commented a knee-length black velvet dress looked nice. And she said “You know what, black is always elegant, so I’ll buy it for you”. And then my mother became my provider of all things black in my closet. All of them! Whenever she asked what color I wanted a shirt, a skirt, a scarf, gloves, whatever, my answer was the same: “Black”. One day she did not ask anymore, she would come to me with the loveliest black things as gifts. And she was not afraid of me wearing black anymore.
It still took me a long road to self discovery to dress myself in Victorian/Romantic black finery. But she loves to come out with me dressed in fancy clothes “except for your mini top hats, those are too much for me”. But hey, she has just purchased for me a nice Steampunk corset, to go with that Steampunk skirt she insisted I should buy because it would look so well on me.
I turned 37 last January. Things get better with time. I assure you. Best of luck to you!
My parents weren’t wholeheartedly accepting of the whole goth thing either. I was about 12 when I began to show an interest in the fashion, and 14 when I got into the music. Often times, I was mocked. My mom kept trying to pick out my clothes (including a dreadful pair of white pants) and my father did the whole “No Child of Mine Will Be Goth” thing. They let me wear black, sometimes they let be buy a band t-shirt (while preaching against the band, leading to me associate the t-shirt with guilt). Makeup and hair was almost completely out of my hands.
…and then I turned 18, I graduated high school, and I got a job. From then on, they were much more accepting. My father told me of the goths in his high school, and my mother and I discussed music and fashion often. They know I never quite walked away from the subculture, even though my clothing is a bit more toned down.
The Lady of the Manners is right. Sometimes you just have to wait it out, and become a stealthy “t-shirt and jeans goth” for the duration of your school years. No, it’s not fun at all, and that’s coming from experience. I also had the unfortunate displeasure of having no good friends, nor anyone willing to buy me the clothes, so I couldn’t have a secondary wardrobe. So I was rather boring and plain-looking in high school (it was how my father could be sure I wasn’t sneaking around with boys) – and then I got older and there wasn’t much else they could do.
P.S. My heart goes out to the Desperate Babybat. I am so sorry you have to deal with that unkindness from parents. I personally think 12/13 is a bit young for heavy makeup as you don’t really want to come off as too precocious. A little black eyeliner should be fine, though.
This may seem like a very long time to wait, but in my experience, going away from home for college can work wonders.
My mother used to hate my gothy tendencies, deeming the black lace gloves and cameo chokers I flailed over “ridiculous.” Then I went several states away to school. On breaks, she has surprised me by offering to buy several items she’d have mocked before, including a fascinator with a black-and-silver spider on it and a gorgeous vampire art doll.
Sometimes, distance helps parents appreciate you and your personality more. This doesn’t exactly help right now, but just know that there’s hope for the future.
Well into my 30s my mom was still saying to me “I really thought this goth thing was ‘just a phase’ and you would have grown out of it by now”. I suppose it still might be but if so it’s the longest phase of my life! I’m nearly 37 now and I started wearing black and loving vampires around age 13, so that’s nearly 2/3 of my life so far. By contrast I think the 4-5 years I spent really into bright neon colors could be called “just a phase” a lot more convincingly. Or the 5-6 years before that when I loved pastels and My Little Pony (ok, I do still kinda like My Little Pony – being goth doesn’t mean you have to eschew EVERYTHING that isn’t dark and morbid!). Somehow I never got the “just a phase” accusation while in the middle of those things. I don’t go around accusing other people who like pastels of being in “just a phase” because that would be silly!
Parents hope their children will grow out of things they don’t like and stick with the things they do. Mine have really never understood my love of all things dark and morbid, but they love and admire me for the other parts of my life. Being goth didn’t stop me from doing well in school, having friends, going to college, moving out on my own, finding a well paying job post school (though I definitely moderate my goth wardrobe when I go to work), finding love, getting married (with the most goth wedding we could manage to make happen! Which if you click on my name I think you can see.). And they’re happy for me for all of those things.
I wish I could make them see why spending the afternoon in a cemetery makes me gleeful rather than depressed, why The Addams Family is one of the most brilliant movies ever, why my hair will never be its natural color again. But we connect on other things and I accept that that’s good enough. And it took some time but I think they do to.
The lady of manners and the previous commentators are absolutely right sometimes. It takes time to fully transform aesthetically how you want to be. I became attracted to all things dark at the age of 14 after I moved from Honduras to Texas. The first person I saw with gothy outfit was my current boyfriend of 5 years ..I remember Thinking how his outfit was interesting but asking myself why all black. So from then on my high school friends were the alternative kids. I wanted to dress like them and hang out with them after school and that’s when the problem began. My parents complete refuse to understand and prohibited me to wear anything black and even hang out with my friends, it was challenging my parents worked for the school having the power to monitor a lot of my moves for years I had to pretend not to have any type of interest in anything Gothic. My mother wasn’t convinced so she sent me back to Honduras to live with my grandparents for almost two years..then I came back to Texas I finished high school started dating my boyfriend and I had become determined to prove my parents wrong. My goal had become to become a successful Goth. So here I am a Gothic chef and they accept me ..they still don’t love it but they accept that being Goth is a big part of who I am…so don’t give up..don’t argue with your parents instead prove them wrong succeed and become your own individual.
I am currently nearing my 23rd birthday and have been living openly as a Goth since I was fifteen. I came into it in a strange way; I’d left my abusive parents’ home to live with my grandmother, who took me to a psychologist that insisted my black-clothed ways were my way of “dealing with my pain”. My grandmother was very supportive of me, but no one else in the family was. My uncle would tell me I was “ugly”, I was called horrible names, the most frequent being “freak” (never around my grandmother, who ruled our family with an iron fist and would never let anyone talk to one of HER grandkids like that). Sadly, I lost my grandmother three years ago and my family just got worse. How was I going to get a job dressing like I was? Why couldn’t I just grow up? They said terrible, cruel things to me. In the end, I walked away from them. I have little contact with most of my family; when I do have contact with them, if they start in on me, I walk away or leave. NO ONE has the right to belittle another person.
So, my dear Desperate Babybat. I have been where you are. It sucks. Its terrible. Worse of all, its HURTFUL, so very very hurtful. At thirteen, unfortunately you can’t cut the people out of your life that are making you hurt in this way (of course if your mother is physically abusing you along with the verbal abuse, PLEASE REPORT IT). However, once you are eighteen you CAN make those decisions. NO ONE has the right to cause you pain and sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away from these people. Sometimes, that is a very hard decision.
On the sunny side of things, in recent months (since my nephew was born back in December) I’ve had quite a lot of contact with my family. They can’t seem to find much to say about my black wardrobe in face of my steady, healthy relationship, my successful internship position, and the prospect that I will soon be graduating from university with honors. Keep reminding your mother (and anyone else) of your successes in school, something that is much more important than the things you wear.
Stay strong, my dear.
My heart goes out to the Desperate Baby Bat. I don’t really have any advice, as I was never unfortunate enough to be in that sort of situation, but I hope she knows that there are a lot of goths of all ages out there who wish her the very best x
(Yes I’ve spelled my name with a three for quite some time now)
I have more of a story about myself, and my parents,to tell, with a few suggestions of my own in attachment.
I must preface my story by saying that my parents have more or less admitted to their own ‘strangeness’ themselves, so I more or less inherited a head start into the gothic subculture. My way of telling stories also tends to ramble a bit, but believe me, there is a possitive point to all this, and I’m not trying to rub anything in anyone’s face.
I am 21 now, but I started exploring the subculture by means of clothing and music when I entered the 6th grade. Now, my parents, like most parents, had a moment of shock and fear, and they had their objections.
Their objections had more to do with slipping grades, and friends that my parents thought were less than desireable (which, later, I found them to be right. Many of those friends weren’t really friends at all. Not judging based off of their style, but by their choices and the way they treated me.)
Though my father did, only once, make a case against me wearing black, my parents never once made a case against the music I listened to.
However, my parents did it right in that we have sat down and calmy had conversations about it. My parents also did it right in that, through various stages of me growing up, we’ve had multiple conversations about it. (In case any are wondering, yes, I’m still a goth to this day.)
Anyways, my parents never really had objections to the subculture.
My dad’s best friend is an artist with an absolute love for all things horror and halloween. He ran a HUGE haunted house for years, since I was 8, with my dad as his main help. That particular haunt isn’t operstional anymore, but they still do smaller scale ones.
If I have to be honest about what sparked my interest in things on the darker side, that would be it. (And, more recently, I think my father’s come to that realization too.)
My mother has a love for steampunk (which is something I introduced her to, heck yes), and the classic romantizied vampires (such as Bram Stokers Dracula).
So it reillustrates the point that my parents never truly objected to my interests, but in 6th grade it just looked very sudden, and they were more worried that I was getting in with a bad crowd.
As I grew, my parents realized that I’m very much their daughter, and that they had more influence on me than anything else.
So, over time, they became more and more accepting.
It was actually by the time I entered highschool that they started fully supporting my dress style, and allowing me to do things with my apprearance that most parents do object to.
My parents also give me full support in my chosen faith (I consider myself pagan, and my parents beliefs align more with Christianity. That’s a big deal) but that is it’s own story for another time.
Anyway, my story is over, and here’s the additional suggestion that I have:
Give your parents time to adjust.
See, even my parents had a mini panic attack, though their reasons for it are fully understandable.
Don’t throw it at them, and wait for them to find their footing. Introduce it to them gradually.
Find aspects of it thst will apeal to your parents and show those to them first, and bring everything that intereste you in it gradually.
This suggestion probably won’t work for all cases, but it might work for some.
I don’t know if baby bats now in days are better off or worse that Goth is more mainstream.
Where I grew up and when I was pre-teen/teen there really weren’t many Goths (though we had our share of punks, a large share). In today’s world it’s so much more mainstream, sometimes of the wrong way. Many have given Goths a bad name over the years.
But something I think I remember the Lady of the Manners touching on, I think it bears repeating, is that black is not the end all, be all of Goth. You CAN have color, even pastels! You can mix that into your black desired wardrobe. A few black things here, a few spider web things there, a bat or two once in awhile. Ease your poor old parents into it.
You don’t need to dye your hair black. Red (both naturally and bright unnaturally wonderful red) is a very Goth hair color too. And pink! Maybe blue… try those colors. My mother was very willing to let me dye my hair (a naturally occurring) red in high school. And as we went shopping, I slowly added in pieces of black and to my darker tenancies.
Okay, so I was 38 and still trying to hide a bit of Gothness from my parents…. I suppose it was silly (I used to have a personalized plate on my car that was GOTHIX, I think they got the point when I was in my 20’s), even well into my 20’s, I would sneak out and change until I moved out when I was 23, but sometimes it’s what you have to do.
Ease them into it. I have to repeat it, completely black is not a rule for Goth. I know there are people who will loudly disagree, but more and more even bright colors are gaining acceptance in the wardrobe of the Goth community. Goth is more than just black clothes and hair… it’s a mindset, a love of the darkness and an elegant expression of it. Sometimes, contrast is a very elegant thing.
Besides… we Cyber Goths (even us old lady ones) have a love of a bright pop of color and contrast.
I can completely sympathise with the things that the authors of these letters are going through. At the age of 22 I still have to deal with comments from the family, especially when it comes to assembling a wardrobe for my new work place. I have been interested in the subculture since the age of 13. My advice is this – if you know you are strong enough to deal with potentially hurtful remarks, continue to dress in the way that you wish around family members. You may find that one or two of them becoming more accepting, and even encourage it. If however you feel that you cannot cope with constant bullying from parents, ease them into it slowly, or simply be prepared to go undercover. Use your pocket money to buy potentially gothy outfits from charity shops and hide them to wear when you know the family are not around. It’s sad having to hide who you really are but if your family are going to be very hurtful towards you because of it, it could be the best solution. Also be aware that your parents will take a very long time to stop thinking of it as just a phase, even when you have entered the adult world and are proving yourself to be a success parents have a habit of sometimes trying to “improve” their offspring. Most of all stay strong, remain true to who you are as much as possible, and wait for the day when their comments amount to just that – comments, in a few short years you will be an adult and then you are free to make your own choices regardless of their opinions.
I realize fairly frequently these days that I was very lucky to have the parents I did. My mother was always supportive of my artistic endeavors, even when they ventured into areas she found a bit disturbing. I remember drawing skeletal figures at five years old, and though she asked why they were so thin she accepted my explanations without protest. When my fashion and music tastes took a turn for the spooky as a teen, she was supportive again, though concerned since I did have a history of depression, and you know how some of our music can sound. She eventually took to buying me presents such as black blouses and skirts, and when her hair scrunchies came with gray or black, colors she didn’t wear, she’d hand them off to me with a smile. Shopping thrift stores for spookwear became a bonding experience.
My dad was generally supportive in a peripheral way, but he was the one I could watch my horror flicks with. I actually had much more grief from extended family and coworkers, one of whom once asked me if I was, and I quote, ‘a devil-worshiper’ simply because I was wearing my silver ankh that day. My Death of the Endless style ankh, which is simple and shiny and doesn’t even have any engraving. But my family, by and large, has been incredibly supportive of my subcultural tendencies and we’ve even had some fun with it.
To reiterate the makeup not making you goth statement, I am nearly thirty now, have been openly a gothy type for over a decade and was spookilly-inclined long before that, and I can only wear lipstick and a bit of eyeliner. I’ve never found a foundation that doesn’t make me break out. Makeup is absolutely not a must. ouo
Dear Lady of the Manners,
I am so glad you are here for all the misunderstood babybats and younglings out there. I was lucky in that my Mother never disapproved of my choices and taste. She would get a vague stunned look on her face when I’d ask ‘how do I look’ before going out, but as long as all the important bits were covered she would try to smile and say ‘fine’ or ‘good’. My parents also introduced me to and indulged me in my love of all things dark and morbid at a very young age. I remember watching Dr. Phibes and Dracula at my Dad’s knee when still in preschool. To this day they are favorites still. But even with my parents indulgences and understanding life was not easy and I wish you had been around 30 years ago when I was still a baby bat. And I want to thank you because I have used your suggestions and ideas when dealing with my own son! As I don’t always understand his choices (pop and hip-hop—Shudder!) but am trying to ask my self everyday ‘What would Lady M do?’.
Thank you!
My mother has always been incredibly protective of me. She believed that I was ‘evil’ for dressing in black, and that she wasn’t going to allow it. She threw out or hid my clothes, made many nasty comments about my make up, and I was never allowed out of the house without her approval of my clothing.
One day, I had a friend over. We dyed my hair black, something which my mum had banned me from doing, but I hated the blonde highlights she had made me get, and was bored of brown. My mum ended up loving my hair, and encouraged me to keep dyeing it black. However, her stance on the clothes didn’t really change, but slowly she began to see that e having black hair and eyeliner wasn’t so bad after all, and though wearing black has always been a no-no in her eyes, I did it regardless, or took clothes, make up and accessories with me when I went out. Heck, I still do.
I’m now 21, and my mum still hates me wearing ‘too much’ black. She does not approve of many of my shoes, or many of my clothes. But she accepts that its part of who I am. I hide the things she doesn’t like from her, which is a lot easier now I live a long way away. She will never approve of me being Goth, but has come around to accepting and even liking some of my music, make up and clothes. She even bought me a black velvet dress for my 21st!
So like the others have said, hold out, it gets better. I still hide a lot from my parents, but I have much more freedom, and so will you. It can only get better.
Besides, when you move out, you can make your own rules.
I feel that I was very, VERY lucky that neither of my parents were too concerned with my gothiness. My mother wasn’t very involved in my life from about age 9 onward, but when I did have contact or interaction with her, my appearance was almost never brought up, unless it was positive comments or reactions. The last time I saw her she raved over how pretty my purple-black hair was, she admired my lovely black coat, and told me how amazing my pale complexion looked, and asked me my secrets. When I was young, I think she knew that she had very little to no influence in my life, and that any sort of negativity would further damage my delicate emotional state and only drive me further away from her, so she always kept it light and positive. Now that it’s been almost 20 years since we’ve become semi-estranged, she still only has nice things to say about my appearance.
My father was fairly indulgent of my dark ways, as much as a single father of two preteen girls could be. He never told me no to some piece of clothing unless it was expensive, and then I would find cheaper alternatives (it’s amazing what you can find at Target and Wal-Mart and K-Mart if you know how to look, and of course second hand stores are frequently gold mines). I also got fairly good at DIY and some of the local craft stores knew me by name. He regularly allowed me dark makeup, as long as it was cheaper drug store brands, and almost never had anything negative to say. The only thing I wasn’t really allowed to do was crazy hair colors or styles, mostly because school wouldn’t allow it. It wasn’t a big deal then, I wasn’t too concerned with crazy hair. He didn’t necessarily like my aesthetic choices, frequently Hot Topic Tripp pants and other kinds of awful “mall goth” styles, but he never really had anything negative to say. Even to this day, at 27 years old, I can show up to his house for dinner wearing anything I want, and at worst he’ll just shake his head and sigh, and ask me what I want for dinner.
I guess what I mean to say in the end is it DOES get better as you grow older, so long as you do your best to keep the peace on your end. Pitching a fit of any sort if you don’t get your way will not help your case at all, though I fully understand wanting to pitch a fit over something you think is a minor issue and your parents make a big deal about it. As The Lady Of The Manners says time and time again in regards to this issues: TALK TO YOUR PARENTS. Sit down over some tea or coffee, keep the TV off, don’t confront them as soon as they walk in the door after work, and have a calm, intelligent, articulate conversation about your desires, their desires, concerns on both ends, and be open to questions from both sides, too. Be willing to compromise, neither side should get 100% their way. Find an agreeable middle ground, and make sure you hold up your end of the bargains even if they may not. You’ll be surprised at what a good conversation can do to help difficult conflicts
My father is very ferverent in his belief that Goth is a “lie”, but my mother has taken my recent gothiness very well indeed. She’s a little sardonic, it is true, but I have found it helps to focus less on the makeup and attire and more on the music and literature. I find, to indulge your inner gothiness, there is no place better than a quiet bookstore with a wonderful collection of gothic vampire novels. 😀
Sorry, anyone using the word “just” to describe teenage phases fundamentally fails to understand adolescence and should not be raising teenagers. And being dismissive of your own children during one of the most tumultuous parts of their development is just NOT OKAY. I am judging all these parents super hard right now.
Also, even if letter writer #3’s makeupping skills still leave something to be desired (mine certainly did at 12! Makeupping properly is a tricky thing!), being subjected to verbal abuse will definitely not improve them.
I was fairly lucky in that my mother was pretty lenient about my wardrobe (her own mother had been not so great on this front and so Mom swore that when she had kids she was Not Going To Be Like That… I rather pushed her to her limits on that one) but I definitely got my fair share of You Are Not Going Out Of The House Looking Like Thats. What my mother realized (and apparently a lot of people’s parents don’t) is that if the parents freak out or are mean and dismissive about every little thing, the kid will eventually give 0 rat’s behinds about anything the parent has to say. If the parent is generally reasonable, then when the parent DOES object, the child will more likely think that they might have a reason for doing so, and register something more than “Oh, it looks like Mom has her mouth open and sounds are coming out of it again.”
Dear oh dear oh dear.
I went through the ‘phase’ thing with my parents with most things that I felt good about in my life.
Some of them were phases, some of them weren’t. But the point is? Either way, it’s okay.
I think the point is that through all of the choices I made, all of the things that I tried (Lolita, Goth, Cosplay, etc.) even if I didn’t stick with them fully, I still don’t regret them. They all gave me bits and pieces, things that I keep with me today, bits of my style, the way I dress, the aesthetics I like…all of it.
I may not always dress in a way that would be lableable as ‘Goth’, but I sure as hell do appreciate what it has done for me. And as I grow out of being absolutely immersed in the fashion, I start to listen to more of the Cure, Bauhaus, Type O Negative, and find that I can absolutely appreciate the same aesthetics.
We all grow. We never regret. So my advice is always to throw yourself into whatever you’re interested in. The internet has an amazing amount of information on it. Go learn something. Even if it just stays with you for a week or two, you never know what knowing a little something about everything will do for you down the line. 🙂
I never had much of a problem with my Dad over being Goth because he was a bit of a hippie-type person in his youth, and therefore didn’t have a problem with my dressing alternatively. The only thing he had a problem with was me dyeing my hair, as he thought it would frazzle and kill it. Now I have developed an allergy to PPD and done my research, I can understand why he was against me using many permanent ‘chemical dyes’, so perhaps if you have parents against you dyeing your hair unnatural colours you can go for things like black via henna and indigo (although that doesn’t seem to work very well on my hair, I know it works for others). I had some very long and upsetting lectures over my ‘wasting my money’ on dyeing my hair purple behind his back, and few insults. In the end I settled for a compromise of no unnatural hair colours and no bleaching until I was 18 and could do what I liked. I went with black, as it is a natural colour (my Dad has natural black hair) and it is the traditional Goth colour, too! I have dyed my hair purple since there, but grew quite fond of black, so have that now, just with different dyes. Another solution to not being allowed to dye your hair is to invest in a few good quality wigs. I am not allowed unnatural colours at work, so have unnatural coloured, but convincing, wigs to wear in my own time. There’s some fairly good cheap ones on the internet.
You don’t have to wear makeup to be Goth. I often don’t wear makeup, I see it as a ‘dressing up fancy’ thing rather than everyday thing because it’s just too time-consuming. I’m still pretty damn Goth – from my collection of ’80s darkwave, postpunk and suchlike on vinyl to my ‘Victorian vampire’ wardrobe to my shelves of vampire books and all the time I spend in graveyards. Makeup does not make someone Goth or not. I still only wear makeup once or twice a week, and not because I’m not allowed to or anything. If you’re not that proficient at doing make-up yet, and your parents are less than tactful, practice in your room with a few good tutorials for guidance until you’ve got it down. “Stop scribbling on your face” can be transformed into “Those leaves are really well drawn”. Unless your parents object to dramatic makeup in general, in which case even the finest art probably won’t change their opinion.
If you are going to be Goth in your parents house, do make sure that you do so sensibly – keep an eye on lit candles, don’t dye your parent’s towels as well as your hair, don’t start decorating your room without asking first (your parents might object if you start painting the furniture black or gluing things to the walls), don’t borrow siblings or parents clothes or makeup without asking, don’t demand they spend loads of money on buying you special Goth-y things, etc. If you do things that annoy your parents and that are related to your interest in Goth, it will not help them come to a better understanding of it.
My heart goes out I went goth at 16 I’m 30 and I still have family say mean things about me sometimes it best ust to cut them off and just live your life the way out want to.
First, to The Lady of the Manners, thank you so much for posting this!!! My parents have kind of started to ignore and silently accept my Gothier tendencies as of now, and I think that’s because I made my mom read one of your columns (so yes, your awesome writing does help a lot!!!).
As I am only a babybat of fifteen, I understand all of the struggles the writers have brought to attention. My mom still doesn’t let me wear super dark makeup, so what I do is usually line my waterline and then use light grey eyeshadow so that its still dark, yet barely noticeable. That way she doesn’t yell at me and I get to wear makeup how I want. She still is a little strict about lipstick though, but I’m fine with waiting for that.
About being ridiculed? ALL. THE. TIME. One good story I can share, though, is how I’m involved with fall play at my school. This year I got a lead role as Helena in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” (I LOVE Shakespeare! I was so excited when I learned that we were performing it ^_^), and a boy who’s one of the “populars” got the role opposite of me, as Demetrius. I think you should also know that I’m the only openly goth person at my school, so its kind of hard to not notice my differences. At first he kept his distance and thought I was weird, but I’m used to that so I paid it no mind. After he got to know me a bit, though, he told me, and I quote, “At first when I got myself into this I thought, ‘oh, crap, I’m gonna be working with some creepy goth girl,’ but then I got to know you and you’re pretty awesome. But you should wear a little more color.” The next day I showed up wearing a red shirt. With black lace all over it. He laughed, and honestly he’s one of my closest friends now. So moral of the story, open up and don’t worry about ridicule. If they take the time to get to know you then they’ll realize how awesome and wonderful your shadowy lifestyle is.
Now, with sneaking clothing? I do it all the time. I’ll bring my lace gloves in my backpack or a lacy skirt to trade out with my pink one (which is actually pretty awesome, it’s pink plaid with studs and stuff. It’s by Royal Bones, one of my favorite brands ^_^). And actually this is kind of funny, since I’m too afraid to wear it at the moment for fear of being found out, I nicked my brother’s awesome Tripp jacket out of his closet before he moved out rather recently since he wears a small and that mostly fits me, even though the sleeves are a bit long and its kind of tight around the bum. He didn’t wear it anymore , since Goth WAS a phase for him, and I didn’t want it thrown out, so I figured I’d put it to better use. But yes, sneaking things is nothing to be ashamed of.
So Desperate BabyBat, Gwyn Grim, and Mary-Sue, I hope that all this helped, and stay strong! It took me three years to convince my parents to let me dye my hair black, and I’m still working on them for purple streaks. It can be a lengthy and grueling process, but my advice? Kick back and read some Bram Stoker and Edgar Allan Poe while your allowing your parents to cope with the change. It might take a long time, but don’t give up!
The Darkest Nocturne,
Arietta Rose
My heart goes out to all of you. I was raised in an abusive situation where Goths, punks, non-Caucasians, non-Christians, black clothes, “Lord of the Rings”, and pretty much everything else in the world was evil and sinful. Right before I turned 14 my mom and I got out, and by the time I was 20 I had fully embraced the label of Goth after alternating periods of wearing corsets over band shirts and dressing like a redneck. It’s so hard to be told ridiculous lies about how the things you love are somehow bad. For years I tried to hide my fondness for corsets and rock music because I still feared punishment. You know what? It’s not worth it. It might be necessary to do what the Lady calls “stealth Goth mode” (which is an excellent phrase), but cling to what you love. And find people, even if they’re just friendly online presences, that will be a source of support. Now go read something by Lord Byron. XOXO.
While I had a mother who was supportive of my style of dress, my stepfather was not and was not above verbally degrading me, even telling me I was the devil. The only thing one can do in these situations is be true to yourself in a manner that allows you to survive. For me, having one parent who was okay with things meant I could dress in such a way, but more often than not was forbidden from going out or having friends like myself. I made a plan, to do well for myself in school and as soon as I graduated, to leave. And I did and have been on my own ever since. My family has come to accept me, especially in my achievements and that it is often what makes me Goth that also allows me to prevail.
I will say that to be Goth, you don’t have to dress this way. You can hide yourself in what I call Low Key Goth. It’s basically not wearing black, possibly other dark colours and greys, but a rather mainstream appearance and adding in a couple of items, such as jewelry, to add a little Goth touch. Pastel Goth may also be a good fashion to go for, as most don’t see it as Goth, but it has many of the elements outside of the colour palate.
When you’re an adolescent, you are reliant on your parents, even if you don’t want to be. Try to understand that while they may be misinformed, they are trying to do what they think is best for you. Just go along with them for now. One day you will be on your own and you can do whatever you wish.
Dear Desperate Babybat,
I too know what it is like to be criticised by overly judgemental parents. Before I knew that I was Goth and my fascination with the dark, morbid and macabre was perfectly normal I thought due to my parents world views that I was probably mentally disturbed and there was something seriously wrong with me.
So I didn’t investigate my tastes and I tried to (unsuccessfully) fit into the mainstream. This made me unhappy for years. It is only recently that I’ve decided that it’s my life and they can’t live it for me so I’m going to do my own thing.
I remember my first attempts at mainstream make-up were clumsy but looking back they were not so bad. However being told on my first attempt to use blusher, (and it was a very light pink one) that, and I quote, “You look like a whore; go and take that off your face right now.” seriously knocked my self-confidence. I gave up on experimenting with make-up completely and rarely try anything with it despite being 21 now.
My parents still think that even though I am a Goth and not evil that every other Goth is evil and they are not keen on me dressing in black and spooky things although they wouldn’t try and stop me. This makes me want to hit my head against a wall in frustration sometimes so I am still in “stealth goth mode” because I don’t want to cause a rift between us.
I am using the boiled frog method on my parents. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water it’ll hop right out again. However if you put the frog in cold or warm water and slowly heat it up then the frog doesn’t realise what is happening until it’s too late et voila boiled frog.
So by saying that I am using the boiled frog method on my parents I mean that I am gradually changing my entire mainstream wardrobe to black and other sombre colours. Once I’ve done that completely then I’ll start sneaking gothier things into my every day wear and I will do so until I can wear a full goth wardrobe without them batting an eyelid or looking upset.
Maybe that is what you can do. If you tone it down and carefully by degrees sneak goth into your attire your parents will hopefully accept it by degrees until you can wear whatever you want and they won’t be worried.
For the darling desperate baby bat i understand how you feel my mother has belitteled and verbally abused my wardrobe choices, my weight, the music i listen too and much more. i was lucky enough to have a dad who didnt live at home anymore (my rents are divorced). so i got away from most of it however i am still’forbidden’ in going out in my black clothing when i am with her i understand its hard hun i really do and the best thing to do is to ask her why dont get angry and try not to get upset but ask her to give you a reason she is saying such hurtfull things to you when you are clearly excelling in your studies it will be hard but sometimes cutting down on the makeup does help feel also writing letters to either send or burn can help get the feelings out generally burning them is the best idea though that or shred them good luck hun x
Oh, for the longest time, I had a similar problem! I first expressed interest in goth at about 13 or 14. Up until that point, I hadn’t quite found anything in particular that appealed to me (save for flowy, bohemian blouses; I always had a fondness for them) and desperately sought to blend in. I got very tired of trying to blend in, since I wasn’t popular anyway, and decided to gravitate toward the things I really loved — which happened to be darker in nature.
Unfortunately, my parents were not very accepting, especially my father. I remember saying that, as long as I lived under his roof, I would not be goth. My mother didn’t quite understand why anyone would dream of being different and passed it off as wanting attention. They hated the things I would pick out and demand I took heavy make-up off. This occurred for years, occurring until my freshman year of college, when my father said he would refuse to pay my tuition for looking “weird.” My mother confronted him and he apologized.
I would “sneak” certain things or try to do things gradually. I advise doing that for ANY babybat struggling! Allow your parents to acclimate themselves to your gothy appearance — and do this simply through wearing either very dark colors or black. Lace or sheer blouses are easy to find, as are black skirts of every length. “Jeans” is not a dirty word, especially if the jeans are dark wash or even simply black. Casual clothing is very easy to find, as black as a pretty standard color! I often wear VERY dark or black jeans with a fandom t-shirt when I’m feeling a bit lazy. Add boots, perhaps some jewelry, and some simple cat eye liner, and that’s it! I don’t have a clothing issue with my parents anymore, but that’s what I end up doing much of the time, anyway!
But what if you can’t wear black? Don’t fret! Mixing black and white often helps, even if it is predominantly white. I love a white dress that I own. It’s edged in black trim, and I like to wear it with a black corset, since the dress is a bit large. White can be an EXCELLENT option. Dark colors can also really look nice, such as burgundy. I don’t think any parent would take issue with a black bottom, such as a nice skirt. Surprisingly enough, brown can be your friend as well. My father used to really hate steampunk, but loves it now, thinking that it’s cool. He tends to pass off my spooky Victorian tendencies as steampunk, even if what I’m doing is a bit more goth than steampunk. And my mother? She loves any gorgeous, fancy clothing I pick out; she’s a fan of the elaboration, I suppose.
I might get in a bit of trouble for saying this, but the “nu-goth” style has been offering some nice, casual options. It’s like spookiness in moderation. I dislike when people knock the style completely, because there are some really lovely offerings in it.
It’s funny. . . Neither of my parents see me as “goth,” which I am fine with, as long as no one hassles me. I suppose they have such a skewed perception of what goth is that, when they see something that is actually very goth, they don’t recognize it as such. Sometimes the avoidance of a term can do a lot of good.
My heart goes out to A Desperate Babybat.
My mother hated my Gothiness when I was a wee babybat but she was never THAT much of a witch about it. My dad, however, always told her “Just shut up and leave her alone. At least she’s doing what she wants and not following the crowd. She’s not doing drugs, either. BE HAPPY!”
What’s funny to me is my mother didn’t say anything about my strangeness until I hit my tweens/teens and I was Goth well before I knew what a Goth was:
I was in love with the Beetlejuice cartoons and movie as a child and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas practically everyday after my parents bought it for me and my siblings (which lasted from 1993 ’til about 1996 because the tape wore out).
I wanted all of my things to be black or deep purple or midnight blue (didn’t always work that way but it’s what I wanted).
The other kids thought I was weird and never asked me over but my mom thought it was because I was shy. HA!
When I hit my teens, I began wearing black t-shirts, black eyeliner and painting my nails black. My mom flipped but didn’t really say anything, hoping it was a phase and saying such to anyone who commented on it.
My dad still didn’t care as long as I wasn’t doing anything illegal.
I don’t recall when it was, exactly, but one day my mom just stopped commenting on my Gothiness and began to embrace it.
Now when I go clothes shopping, if she’s with me she tries to help me find cute but Gothy things.
My dad still thinks I’m strange but he knows the pot shouldn’t call the kettle black (he’s not Goth but not exactly “normal”, either).
On a related note: I wasn’t allowed near her sewing machine for YEARS because she didn’t want me to change the “normal” clothing she loved buying for me into a more Gothy style.
To this day, I still call myself Goth but I don’t wear all black, all the time because I live in Louisiana and that would be completely insane. So I satisfy my Goth tendencies with dark wash jeans and loudly colored t-shirts, as well as t-shirts of a geeky nature.
Among the many other reasons to read Gothic-Charm-School this is always a good one for me. My parents are very tolerant of how I dress. When I was little we all watched the Addams Family togethor and played Siouxsie and the Banshees while we did the washing up. Neither of my parents are Goths and and my mother still goes nutty when I mention makeup (except to a BVB concert) or hair dye. She says she does not understand my cliched fascination with vampires or Halloween, but that does not stop her from letting me carve pumpkins and read trashy vampire fiction (NOT TWILIGHT). The only problem I ever have with dressing is whether my skirts are too short and since I am a Victorian Goth this does not tend to be a problem (except with my Wednesday Addams-style dress which is getting a bit too small for me).
I feel awfully sorry for all the babybats writing and I must always try to remember when I pout and whine about makeup that it could be a lot worse!
I’m almost 14 and i’ve been interested in the Goth side of life since i was 12, however being a vaguely unconfident person, at first i did nothing about it. I guess I thought it was a small thing, a passing attraction if you will. Well I’ve realised that is definitely NOT the case and have devotedly spent the last year gathering the beginnings of a gothy wardrobe- or at leat trying to.
Before now i’ve had a pretty average interest in clothes so my parents are finding it hard to ajust to evan a semi-black wardrobe(For anyone who knows the game Style Boutique, I went from Sonata to Raven Candle, basically). So whenever I pull a delightfully dark item off a clothing rack my mum is quick to grab some ‘mainstream’ items, usually in pastel pink or similar.
Please allow me a moment to release my frustration.
AHSNKLLWVAMKJKGRAWJM!!!
Okay all better now. But yes, it is annoying. I can’t even wear a lot of makeup because my mother doesn’t approve of makeup on under 16s, so i have had to scrape together some spare cash, and “borrow” the dark makeup that my sister bought and subsequently forgot about (she just likes spending)
I have been trying to gently ease my parents into my gothiness by wearing one goth outfit on the weekend and one non-goth and wearing subtle-yet-spooky makeup every second weekend.
Luckily while thorougly bewildered my parents have not yet critisised my clothing choices. (can’t say the same thing about my sister. whenever i dress in black she goes ‘what are you, a Goth?’ or ‘dressing in black like some EmoGothFreak!’ in a suitably demeaning and scandalized tone. while she wears skirts shorter than my belt and skimpy tops.)
All i can say is stick to it if you truly love it 🙂
When I was a wee tween, I thought my mother was horribly stifling of my aesthetic creativity– I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup or nail polish or get my ears pierced or wear shoes with heels. But for a wide variety of reasons– including that I hate conflict and dearly love my mother, who was also very ill with cancer– I didn’t fight these rules. Instead I was patient and bided my time.
Lo and behold, when I reached the rather arbitrary ages she said I could do all of these things (mostly around 14), she never had a problem with my personal style. She rolled her eyes a bit at some of my more unsuccessfully over the top outfits in high school, but never minded what I wanted to wear as long as it was clean, suitable for the context/occasion, and age-appropriate, all things I’d had a lot of time to learn before I’d gotten to judge them for myself.
I’m not sure if what she did was the best way to teach me responsibility about my appearance, but she was pretty successful. I have a very good sense of what is appropriate when and where, and what looks good on me versus what I thought looked good on other people. I doubt I will adopt too much of a similar system with my own potential future offspring, but I will probably hold to the family ear piercing tradition– for three generations now, mothers have refused to let their daughters get their ears pierced until they were 16 and could make an informed and relatively un-peer-pressured decision (at which point all three generations, myself included, have decided against it).
My future daughter might find this as oppressive as I did when I was 12, but as long as she’s learned to make responsible fashion choices, I’m not going to care when she decides, perhaps, to be a prep and dress head to toe in Vinyard Vines. Though like my mother before me, I will not be able to resist a few eyerolls.
I found that explaining the long roots of the history of art of the gothic aesthetic helped my mother’s opinion of my lifestyle. She still doesn’t understand my Living Dead Dolls, obsession with dark, tragic (but beautiful) stories but she tolerates my clothes and makeup with very few exceptions. Showing them the artistic and cultural side of things usually earns a parental approval
Dear Desparate Babybat,
I suppose I’m lucky. After reading most of the posts on this website I realize that there are peoplre who have it much harder than me and my heart goes out to them. I’m a 15 year old babybat and my parents have almost never contested my taste in clothing and the like, although i will admit i am kind of toned down at the moment. The best advice i can give, having not really been through such a situation, is hold on and bid your time, being goth is at the very core a state of mind, if you tone down your your wardrobe and makeup it WILL NOT change who you are inside.
Sincerely, Cyelowyn
Hello all gothlings with parents issues.
I think telling my story might help you guys, so here goes:
I first fell in love with dark things and heavy metal by the age of 14. I must state that I live in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, land of the sun and heat and breezy, colorful clothes, so goths in here are seen with scorn and people do glare at you – my fun game is to glare back; they get super embarrased haha!
Seriously though, goths are not that common around here, and I got a lot of frowning on my looks. Of course my mother would couter-attack my new wave of black clothes and band t-shirts with cute pink tops, wich she would give me and say later “I gave you that cute top, why don’t you wear it?”, therefore making ME fell bad for not wearing what SHE wanted me to wear. Parents can be really manipulative.
The fashion issue kept getting worse, especially after I started dating my boyfriend, a die-hard heavy metal fan, that gave me strenght to stand my ground. Then my whole wardrobe got black, and I only wore the colorful stuff to go to the gym. We are still dating, for seven years now, and we intend to get married some day ^_^
Then…then I went to college to study fashion design(here in Brazil, we don’t live in the campus, we go back home after class, just like school) and, there, I saw so many cool, stylish people! There were out-of-the-closet super colorful gay boys, girls with huge tattoos and piercings and I was like “can I be wathever I want, like these awesome people? Sweet!”. Aaand, I bleached my dark brown, nearly black hair and dyed it bright red – if you need and image, think Emilie Autumn, maybe.
How happy I was! I made a major change on my looks, and it looked so nice! But then I got home and my mom said, quote “I can’t look at you like this”. Now, think of someone you love and known your whole life, your mother, saying that. Man, it hurt. An exact year after, I came down with depression. Gained 8 kilos, had a shink fill me with dangerous medications and my mother convinced me to dye my hair back to black.
My heart broke when I saw my reflection on the mirror.
Fortunately, I met this great psychologist that said my shrink was nuts and that I should quit all the pills he gave me. I did, I was tough, but freeing. Working with her, I saw that the problem wasn’t mine, it was my mother’s. She was the one trying to change me!
So I went, dyed my hair red again (two bleaches, the poor thing got all thin, but my hair is tough hehe) and had an awesome tattoo made on my left ribcage. It was a war back at home, but I stepped up and said “I’m a grown girl, and I won’t be told what to do. I’m a top student, I am a monitor, I’m the teacher’s favorite. I don’t drink. I never done drugs. I never came home late. You are going to care about how I dress? You’d rather if I smoked weed, screwed boys around town and sucked at college, but wore pink?”
She got really pissed, but we ended up getting closer. She doesn’t like when I make piercings, but she doesn’t complain either. A week ago, she got me two black dresses. Plain, simple, but black. We really are getting along well now. She even wants me to buy her some stuff from Alchemy Gothic online! She thinks their jewelry is elegant 😮
So my tip to all of you is: show what you have for your parents to appreciate. If you get straight A’s, don’t smoke, don’t come home late, who cares if you listen to Dimmu Borgir or wear heavy make-up, or dress black? A lot of those barbie-perfect girls do a lot of awful stuff and end up as pregnant teens, and yet WE are the unacceptable ones? No.
Be patient, yet fierce. One day, you’ll get along well. If not, well then walk away. At least you tried.
Good luck everyone! I’m rooting for you guys!
Thank you very much for answering my letter, Lady of the Manners. But I’ve tried to talk to my parents about it since I’ve written that, and I told them about ElderGoths to try and quash their “it’s just a phase” argument, but their rebuttal was that age does not equal maturity. Now I know this is true, but what that tells me is that what they basically mean by that is that all Goths are definitely going through a phase, so all the ElderGoths must just be immature. This worries me because, if it’s not just a phase for me, I can already see that my parents will never respect me or take me seriously because of my lifestyle, and I will live my life estranged from them, and they’re the only proper family I’ve got, or ever had. On a slightly separate note, my sister called me an attention whore for doing this. It’s not my fault this subject is such a sticky one, and I didn’t ask for nor do I want the attention I’m getting, which isn’t even good anyways. And I know perfectly well that they can’t do anything to stop me from being Goth, it just makes me sad that they’ll never accept me if I do, in fact, turn out to be a permanent member of the Gothic subculture, and I don’t want to have to wait until I’m completely independent to dress how I want.
~Mary-Sue
Hi Mary-Sue,
I am sorry you are going through that rough batch with your parents!
You do not say how old you are, but I insist on what I told Desperate Babybat – if the prospect you are bound to get from your parents is hostility then just stay silent: do not say anything about Goth; do not mention that you are Goth; be patient and bid your time. Occupy yourself with subtle-but-gothy things. If they are not interest in Goth, they will never ask about the music you are hearing, or the books you are reading, or the internet sites you may be visiting.
Their reaction may be more out of concern of what will happen in their social circle: that they will be labeled as bad parents; they will not want their friends asking about their “weird daughter”; as if somehow your choice reflected badly on them. We all here know that is untrue and unfair to you.
And do what Luiza did: be a good student, get good grades, be trustworthy, help around the house… Then, in a few years, gently re-visit the topic. Not with words, but maybe begining to dress in black. With some luck, you may be holding a job and have your own money, and you’ll be able to rely on friends to drive you around and go shopping on your own. If they persist in their stubborness, ask them what Luiza asked her mother. Listen to their answer carefully, and then decide if you want to spend that much time around them once you are independent or in college.
If one day you are able to hold a job, keep a roof over your head and pay your bills in time, they cannot argue that you are not mature. What do they think we ElderGoths do? Have our parents do the laundry for us and cook us dinner because we still live with them? We all have jobs, our own places to live, families to attend to and responsabilites. If that is not being mature in their book, then what is it?
My parents were very …. not so ahppy with the idea of me becoming a goth. My Mum was supportive of the idea, and says that’s theres nothing wrong with trying out new things … My Father only became okay with me recently, but eitherway they accept me… 🙂
~12 year old Babybat~
Hey there Mary-Sue. I don’t know if you’re the same girl who asked me for help on Deviantart. You have the same story, so I’ll give you the same advice as I did that girl. It’s going to be different from the advice the others have given, so I’m sorry if the rest of you, or the lady of the manners don’t like it.
Just stop caring about what your parents think.
As horrible as this sounds, I have grandparents who are slighty like this, and a best friend with sisters who dissaprove of EVERYTHING she does, goth or not. With their type of behavior, the best thing to do is ignore it. Keep getting good grades and be the best person you can be.
They’re your family and you love them, but believe me when I say, and I don’t mean to be rude when I say this, they are the type of people you can NEVER please unless you are exact little copies of them, at least that’s what I can tell by how you describe them.
My grandmother constantly tells me I look like a prostitute with my makeup. At first I ignored it, which is the best you can do, but after I while I ended up shooting back “Weren’t YOU the one who said not to judge a book by its cover?” In the end she stopped with that comment after that.
Once I stopped caring about what she thought of my interestes and looks she realized she didn’t hold that power over me anymore and caved. Even gets me a bunch of cute outfits with skulls whenever she finds them
As for your sister and her ‘attention whore’ comment, the best thing to do is be as sickenly sweet as possible, that is literaly THE BEST way to get her to shut up. And if your parents think SHE’S more mature then you, which I’m guessing they might, that makes the it even more apparent that you need to stop caring about what they think of your lifestyle.
Don’t start dressing all fetish and stuff, do not, in any way, give them the satisfaction of being right about ANYTHING they say about your subculture.
My parents were druggies, still are, and at a young age I set a goal, and I believe this goal works for any kind of abusive parents, mentally abusive or physically abusive, and this was that goal: BE BETTER THAN THEM.
At anything you can be. Career wise, personality wise, moral wise. With the way they act, YOU seem to be the adult here, not them.
Best of luck.
Dear Mary-Sue,
I am sorry to hear that your parents reacted like that. I agree with what Kassandra said about being subtly goth and keeping your grades up. Could you also ask them gently and calmly, what their problem with Goth is? You might be surprised by their answer. (I would find doing that calmly extremely difficult in your situation. I would be sorely tempted to scream and throw things; so please don’t take that as me being patronising.)
As to what they said about ElderGoths they are right that age doesn’t equal maturity but that doesn’t mean they are right that all ElderGoths are immature. They are probably afraid of their daughter growing up and not being able to get a good job because of the way you want to dress.
I really hope you are able sort this out with your parents.
Hugs from Echo the beanie baby bat.
Mary-Sue –
I think the important thing to stress is not just that we eldergoths EXIST but that we are SUCCESSFUL. We are and can be all the things parents wish for for their children, except for maybe wearing too much black (which, really, as concerns go, most parents should be able to realize is minor!).
We got good grades, we had (and have) good friends, we graduated from high school, we got into good colleges (personally I went to one of the top engineering schools in the country and there were quite a few goths there!), we found good jobs (I’m at nearly 14 years now of working for two of the largest aerospace companies in the US), we found love and got married. I’m at almost 9 years with my sweetie and over one year married and WE MET AT A GOTH CLUB!! Seriously, without goth I would not have found my lifemate!
Focus on the positive and I’m not saying they’ll come around and be totally supportive, but eventually they’ll run out of real objections and all that will be left is “well we don’t like it so there!” And hopefully eventually they’ll see how stupid that sounds.
I know how you feel Mary Sue. I was in a similar situation when I was your age. With parents like yours (and mine too when I was your age) you’ll have to SHOW them through your actions that Goth isn’t a bad thing. So, that means being on your best behavior. Get good grades, behave in your classes, do your chores, don’t talk back, and be responsible. Do what your parents tell you, even if your parents are being hypocritical and unkind. Believe me, your parents will notice this. And, it will make them question their judgments about the lifestyle. This is what happened to me.
Although, you don’t have to wait until you’re completely independent to dress how you want. If you earn your own money then you can do whatever you please with it (within reason, of course). So, over summer break get a part time job. Not only will you be earning your own money this will also show your parents that you’re responsible and hardworking. If you’re not at least 16 years old you won’t be able to get a job. So, for all you goths under the age of 16 here are some things you can do to earn some extra cash:
– Babysit
– Walk dogs or pet sit
– Ask your parents, Grandparents, and other relatives what extra chores you can do to earn cash
– Yard work (i.e. Mow the lawn, rake leaves, and etc)
– Tutor (in whatever subject you’re comfortable with)
Get creative! What are your talents and what can you do to make money using those skills?
“This worries me because, if it’s not just a phase for me, I can already see that my parents will never respect me or take me seriously because of my lifestyle, and I will live my life estranged from them, and they’re the only proper family I’ve got, or ever had.”
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Take it one day at a time. Meaning you never know what may happen. Thinking too far ahead gives you unnecessary stress and worry. Think positively in this situation. They may change their minds like my family did. My family still doesn’t like it. But, they’re very tolerant and respectful of my right to live how I wish. I hope the same happens for you. 🙂
Oh, dear, sweet babybats,
I have been in your wee stompy boots! I was always a little darkling though I didn’t know the label “Goth” until I was about 14. I tried all sorts of things to gain my parents’, particularly my mother’s, acceptance of my newfound look and music. I tried asking, cajoling, explaining, toning-down, pointing out my excellent grades and overall good behaviour, even threatening bad behaviour, a la, “would you rather me dress normal and do drugs, etc?”
My father mostly just rolled his eyes (he was an odd sort himself as a teen) and said I’d grow out of it, but until I did, he loved me anyway. On the other hand, my mother cried over me, yelled at my and criticised me to no end. The first time I dyed my hair, although I’d gotten her permission and her okay on the colour (burgundy), she cried and said that “her baby had gone to the devil.”
I ended up going the toned-down route. There were a lot of things I waited on until I was in university and out of my parents’ house, like my enormous stompy boots, tattoos, piercings, more risque outfits, etc., but even though my parents still don’t understand or even like my look, you know what? They still love me. I’d even venture to say that we’re very close friends now. They may not approve of a lot of things I do, but in the end, for most parents, the fact that you are their child is a lot more important than the clothes you wear, the music you like or the books you read. As a soon-to-be mama myself, I can tell you already that all parents want is the best for you. (I know, you’ve heard that WAY too many times) But they’re human and fallible and just as capable of being nasty and judgmental as anyone else. Be yourself and never let anyone take that from you, but have some patience with your parents, too. After all, they’re old. 😉
And I’ll hold myself as another example of a successful grown up Goth. I’m 27, graduated cum laude from a good university and work as an interpreter for my state government. Despite my not-quite-normal appearance, I have been happily married for five years, have wonderful friends, none of whom are Goth (it’s almost non-existent in my town) and have my first teensy babybat coming in September!
So hold on, dear ones. Blessed be!
Jennifer (Dama de los Cuervos)
Oh, my dear desperate babybat, I feel your pain. I knew growing up that I was “different”. I had a powerful sense of whimsical, and held on to the magical elements of childhood long after my parents thought I should have outgrown them. I admired those pieces of gothic culture I could see, but my parents were so cruelly unaccepting of my differentness that I didn’t even think to explore the subculture until I was in my twenties and had been in the Army for several years. Now I have just turned thirty, and have a child of my own. Most of my wardrobe is black, though not the silk and velvet and lace I would most enjoy – I was forced to admit that such finery simply is not very practical around a toddler. If I were to make a few suggestions to help appease your parents, the first would be to tone down your makeup. Use a plum or berry lipstick instead of black. Wear purple, gray, or silver eye shadow instead of black. Silver and white eye shadow is actually quite lovely and striking when paired with well-executed eyeliner. Mix your black clothes with jewel-tones – black velvet with royal purple or emerald green satin is an incredibly classy statement, and looks very gothic with the right jewelry. And if you can’t get spiders and skulls, look into Victorian mourning jewelry. Silver and marcasite and jet look classy and utterly respectable, but there are few things more gothic than that look.
I know it hurts now. My mother once told me I’d wind up “a pregnant whore on a street corner” because she caught me reading books from the school library after she’d confiscated my library card to keep me from researching alternative religions. Parents can be cruel in their fear and ignorance, but no one is young forever. Hang on a few more years and you can leave, and in time your parents will realize they have no choice but to accept you for who you are, or lose you forever. My parents and I now have a very good relationship, and they are supportive of me. I hope your story will have such a happy ending, my dear.
~ Chylde Myst
my parents do not underestand me at all they dont understand that i want to be goth it me its who i am please help me Lady of the Manners i need them to understand im scared to talk to them about it
Oh, dear. My heart goes out to the poor babybats! I know what you are going through, dear ones, because I myself have been through a bit of the same thing. Heck, the first time I heard of Goth subculture, my mom belted out with, “YOU’RE NOT BEING GOTH!”
So, naturally, when I did decide to go Goth, I was a bit hesistant to tell her. I did TONS of research online about our lovely culture, thought it through, and decided that that was how I would like to be. Then I showed it to my mom, and explained my reasons for wanting to become Goth and, surprisingly, she agreed to take me shopping for my first Goth outfit: black Tripps with red chains and red plaid, and a black Skelanimals thermal with a stitched up heart on the front.
I was also lucky to have my grandmother just be like, “Meh, okay,” and very accepting of how I’d decided to live my lifestyle when I started off. Currently, she is still accepting of it and my mom has really come around, but each of them still have the “Oh I hope you’ll eventually stop with all this darkness stuff one day” attitude / approach to it. My response to this is, “Guys, I’ve been like this since like, late 2007, and I haven’t stopped and I don’t plan on stopping. This is how I want to live my life.”
What I’m saying, dear ones, is don’t tell your parents something like, “Oh forget you,” but stick up for yourselves once in a while. Try to be reasonable and really think about what you would like to say and what you NEED to say. Best of luck, BatLings. ~<3 I'll be thinking of you.
Infinite x's & o's,
~ <3
Rachel
Those people whose parents accept them are lucky. My moms side of the family says ‘its satanic darkness is hell blah blah blah religous stuff’ and i try telling them ‘no its not that its appreciating the dark thinhs in life an the music and poetry!’ While i say that, the read me the bible. I try getting these lovely black outfits and exit the store with pink and light blue. My dads side seems to approve but dont. Its like that girl whose mom called her a ‘slut’ except not that much harshnesss. I pretend I’m not goth but my grandma bugs me about itn i feel do angry about all this and the only one who knows my side is my cat and a couple of friends…
I was blessed in the fact that my parents, especially my mum, were really happy about my gothy tendencies. I’ve only been goth for about 4 years. But my parents love it because with my style, it means I wear dresses and really nice fancy clothing every day, instead of baggy jeans and shirts like I used to (not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course; my parents, however, desperately wanted their daughter to actually look like a girl sometimes). I also have an aunt who is really kind of bizarre, and she loves to buy me weird things.
My advice for desperate baby bat is to maybe see if you want to explore a different subset of goth culture that your parents might accept more, such as dressing up in Victorian finery or even just black dresses. There are lots of really cute gothy things out there. Maybe you have someone in your family who, while maybe not sharing your exact tastes and interests, has some weird interests and can relate to you.
I do not claim to be Goth. However, I have been through my fair share of being mocked and ridiculed, and that kind of experience transcends the actual reasons one is being picked on. My heart also goes out to the babybat who wrote. Regardless of the mother’s intentions, using that kind of language to one’s child is, in my humble opinion, verbal abuse, and it needs to stop NOW.
I know many young people feel they have no one to turn to in these cases, but I sincerely hope there is a trusted adult in that girl’s life who can advocate for her. Maybe not in being a Goth, but for her mother to stop using that horrible language to her daughter. It could be an aunt, a cousin, a grandparent, trusted family friend, clergyperson — someone who can help that woman understand that talking to a child like that is NEVER acceptable! Using that kind of language to a child damages that child in a way that is deep and long-lasting. My husband heard that kind of language directed at him from his father, who called him a “fairy fag” — and worse — because he liked poetry. It took him a long, long time to get past that kind of treatment.
This behavior to a child is so incredibly destructive. It does everything a parent should never want to do to their child: destroys self-esteem, creates a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness, makes the child feel as though he or she has no place in the world, and no value as a person. Mom had better watch it, or she may find she has a cutter or an anorexic on her hands. This is the kind of stuff that parents do to trigger these kinds of self-destructive behaviors (not discounting the other myriad facts of these that have nothing to do with parents).
I’ve ranted, but I sincerely hope this girl will find someone who can talk calmly with her mother to help her see how her own behavior is destroying her child. My prayers are with them.
I find the lack of acceptance many here have experienced genuinely upsetting. I often wonder how parents can reject their children for being, for instance, LGBT, among other things. The answer appears to be right here. Conformist parents come right up to the edge (and beyond) of rejecting their children just because of their stylistic tastes; I guess for someone like that it’s easy to reject a child because of their sexuality.
A friend of mine’s brother (who’s in his mid-thirties) is still estranged from their father, who rejected him for being goth. My friend is also goth, albeit less prone to the extremes in appearance that her little brother has chosen, but their father has apparently accepted his little girl, with a double standard that must have taken remarkable cognitive dissonance.
I’m glad I got into goth (deeply; the interest has always been there) in my 20s and the one family member who matters to me thinks it’s pretty awesome and only wants to indulge me. I’m the kind of person who can tell a stranger to take a long walk off a short cliff, but who’s easily bruised by people close to me. I’ve made more friends and had more fun in my relatively short time as a goth than during any other period in my life; I’m grateful there was no one cruelly standing in my way because of their own foolish preconceptions.
If these parents want to see something ugly, they need to stop looking at their goth kids and look in the mirror.
To the aspiring/potential parents on the world, if you’re not prepared to provide unconditional love, don’t bring another human being into the world and raise it.
My parents were also protective of me. They would say stuff such as “just a phase ” and “dont label yourself as a goth”. Coming from a religious family they thought goth could be sort of a darker and possibly even “evil” way of life. In order to show them what it really was i had them read up on everything about the subculture including back in the victorian era. I ofcourse had them read Gothic Charm School along with The Goth Bible. And showed several online videos. After about 6 months they slowly started coming around to the idea. And started to embrace it. Now 2-3 years later they love everything about the sub-culture. Ive even gotten them into the music and clothing!
My advice for anyone trying to get your parents used to the idea is to really educate ourself with the right facts about Goth and to then educate your parents. Show them that this isnt going to change you in a bad way, that it is going to change you in a positive way in order for you to grow as a person. Dont rush in to wanting to dye your hair or the dark makeup. Slowly start and let them get comfortable with the ideas, dont push it or else it may result in you not getting what you want.
I really hope that both girls are able to fully express themselves without those terrible restrictions.
I remeber declaring I wanted to be goth.*insert ripple effect here* I was in middle school and there was ALOT going on in my life. Two of my best friends moved away and dropped all contact with me, I was being bullied on a constant basis by the same group of people, the usual middle school problems. What I think drove me to goth was a few things. First thing, I am an identical twin. No matter how few classes I shared with her it would not fail no one called me by my name. I was tired of being confused with her. Second my mom worked night shift alot when I was younger leaving my dad watching me from 5pm to 9am the next day. for some reason I used to get up at 6am like clockwork on the weekends. so he would get up too and we’d watch addams family, the munsters, batman, ahh real monsters. These were all things I was not suppoed to be watching due to “spooky/scary content” but I got to watch them and I loved them. So I guess when trying to find a way to be distinc from my sister I wandered back to that happy place and saw all these dark clothed characters and said I like that.
well I told my mom and she fist said no I wasn’t allowed to be goth it was dangerous. Being a tween, I ignored her and wore black black and more black. it concerned a few people but after a while they realized it was my attempt to be unique. the upside was people remebered my name, downside was mom still wasn’t approving it so had to apply jewlry and extras when I got to school and I was being bullied just a bit more. My mother eventually assumed this was a phase and started to ok some aspects of the gothic subculture.
I am now 22 with black lips, nails, and eyeshadow. It’s not a phase it is a way of life and expression. And I will stress this part to the younger readers. In th entire time I’ve involved myself in the gothic subculture I never EVER convinced myself that to be goth I had to harm myself or others in some cult fashion.
Another thing I learned is that sometimes the bullying doesn’t go away. You just have to be strong enough to show the world no matter what you’re goth and you’re happy with that. Believe me I was bullied in college by adults. It drove me insane and worsened an already existing bout with depression.
so I guess what I am saying is: it’s not a phase and you need to show that, yes you may get bullied but overcome it, and no matter how awful people (parents or otherwise) make you feel; its going to get better. take a deep breath appreciate you choice and ignore the negative people throw at you.
trust me had I listened to everyone telling me I’m making a mistake, I would not be the cupcake baking, comic book loving, gothic sith lord that I have become.
there will always be someone there for you to support you somewhere in your life. Find that person, don’t lose them. They will help you move to greater things and more friends just like you. 🙂 Hang in there baby bats
I know how the younger babybats feel, though often not as drastically. My parents were over all cool with whatever I wanted to do. At least once I got to high school. When I was in elementary school my mom would take me shopping for clothes and everytime I liked something (I remember a lot of black and dark blue and purples), she told me it was horrible and either stuffed me into an ill-fitting neon or pasteled colored outfit, or the baggiest tee-shirt she could get for me. She’s been telling me I’me weird (among other hurtfull things, often involving my appears being sub-par) for as long as I can remember. She got better since I entered high school, but she still calls me a freak, or stands in the bathroom door way while I do my makeup asking me why I use so much eyeliner, and wondering why I wear so much black. She also often insults the music I like and the literature I read (such as Frankenstein by Mary Shelley or The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice). The worst part is when she tells me that for once I should drop the “weird clothes” and “overly dramatic makeup,” dress normal, and go get drunk at a house party just so I can call her for a ride home.
All I can say (as my high school years are coming to an end within only 2 short months, and freedom is in sight), is that the freedom will come, and there will be people in the world who don’t question every aspect of the darker side of your personality.
Dear child, I hope your teen years get better, because they already suck without the misunderstandings of parents heaped on top of it.