Welcome back to Gothic Charm School! The Lady of the Manners appreciates you returning to her, and especially appreciates all of you who have sent her messages over the past few years wishing her well during the hiatus of this site.
What dragged the Lady of the Manners out of her extended nap? Ohhhh, just the news article that crossed her feed about a school in Texas deciding to ban black clothing, citing “mental health concerns”.
:: a brief pause while the Lady of the Manners has a sip of tea to fortify herself ::
The Lady of the Manners frequently talks about goth nostalgia. Yes, everything returns, even in subcultures. The Lady of the Manners is all for the resurgence and remixing of goth music, art, and fashion, even if she occasionally needs younger folks to explain what the latest microtrend name means. (90s romantigoth by way of Pier One and tiny import shops full of gauzy scarves is now whimsigoth? A new keyword for the Lady of the Manners to search with!)
Where she draws the line, however, is when the hurtful and, quite frankly, stupid misunderstandings and misinterpretations of the past are resurrected. You would think, considering how long the goth subculture has been undead and thriving, parents and schools these days wouldn’t be concerned when their children decide to explore goth. And yet. (The Lady of the Manners is especially frustrated with the parents who are younger than her and latch onto this ridiculous bias, but that’s a somewhat separate rant.)
While the Lady of the Manners isn’t a fan of school dress codes, she understands the intentions behind the idea; level the field of sartorial differences during school to reduce bullying. Does the Lady of the Manners think that works? No, because people who are bullies will find any reason — or invent reasons — to torment others.
Charles Middle School in El Paso, Texas, decided to make an adjustment to their dress code that specifically banned all-black clothing. “Nick DeSantis, the school principal, announced the decision ahead of the school year. In a letter, the school mentioned prohibiting all-black attire due to its association ‘with depression and mental health issues and/or criminality’.”
:: another brief pause while the Lady of the Manners stares bleakly into the void. You are welcome to join her ::
Really? REALLY?! While the Lady of the Manners knows that many states in the USA are alarmingly moving backwards in terms of people’s bodily autonomy and choices, she somehow, possibly foolishly, didn’t expect to see a resurgence of this sort of nonsense. So let’s make it very clear, and the younger goths reading this should feel free, if needed, to make their parents read this as often as necessary.
Goth, and wearing all black, does not indicate or lead to mental health issues or criminal behavior. IT DOESN’T.
We may all laugh about “I wear all black to match my soul (or heart)”, but we laugh because it’s a joke. It’s about acknowledging that the world can be a terrifying and sad place and facing and/or coping with that on our own terms. Dark things won’t stop existing just because people don’t want to acknowledge them. Neither will strong emotions. Goth arose from some intertwined, entangled things: music that often explored the ideas of death, horror, and decadence; an acknowledgement that melancholy and darkness are part of everyone’s lives; and an exploration of what beauty and catharsis can be found in the darkness.
As for the notion that goth encourages self-harm: not only is that horrifically and offensively wrong, but also an accusation that has been thrown at every subculture that has ever existed. For many who feel different, overwhelmed, and isolated the goth subculture helps by showing them they aren’t alone. That there are others who feel the same, and who strive to express and cope with those feelings through music, art, and self-expression.
Thankfully, El Paso community members spoke up and pushed back against this misguided policy. Some from the point of view that the Lady of the Manners and other goths hold, questioning how the color of clothes impacts the children’s emotional well-being. “Making students wear a different color isn’t going to magically make them a completely different person,” said Alexis Contreras.
Other parents complained about this being communicated so close to the beginning of the school year. Fabiola Flores, who had already done school shopping, wished that parents had been asked about the change before it was implemented. “We already bought the black pants, so we have to buy again, the pants. They should ask, they do like a ‘hey what do you think?’ like ‘we’re thinking about it’”.
Thankfully, the school district got involved and overturned the change to the dress code policy: “Unfortunately, the campus prematurely communicated the dress code change as a final decision rather than a recommendation. We regret the miscommunication, particularly the intent behind the changes” GOOD.
All of this, of course, reminded the Lady of the Manners of these sorts of misguided moral panics of decades past. The idea that role-playing games and heavy metal lead to Satanism, self-harm, or murder. Or the infamous PMRC (Parents Music Resource Center), which was an American committee formed with the stated goal of increasing parental control over the access of children to music deemed to have violent, drug-related, or sexual themes via labeling albums with Parental Advisory stickers. And of course, the Lady of the Manners’ personal “favorite”, the Twinkie Defense. (While the term itself was invented by reporters and wasn’t actually used by the lawyers in the trial of Dan White for the murder of San Francisco city Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, White’s lawyers did argue that his depression, a symptom of which was an increased consumption of junk food, led to a “diminished capacity” which led to murder.)
Anyway, those long digressions all lead to the same point: subcultures, music, art, fiction, or other media are a way of finding community and catharsis, not a dark path that leads to depression, harm, and depravity.
So for the younger readers (hi baby bats!) who are facing parental concerns over their exploration and adoption of goth, here are some suggestions of how to have The Goth Talk with your parents:
- Tell them what sparked your interest in goth, why it resonates with you, and why you want to express yourself that way. (An aside: telling your parents that you like goth because it’s “edgy”, “so hardcore”, or “it’s black like my soul” is not going to set them at ease.) Point out to them that exploring the gothic subculture involves reading classic literature, studying history and art, and encourages people to think for themselves and become who they want to.
- Arm yourself with examples of family-friendly goth media such as The Addams Family, The Munsters, Beetlejuice, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. (Those are just a few examples – the Lady of the Manners is sure there are many more!) Play them songs by bands they probably already know of, such as The Cure or Siouxsie and the Banshees, and introduce them to current bands that you listen to that fall under the giant inky umbrella of goth. Point out to them that the goth label applies to literary classics such as Dracula, Wuthering Heights, and everything by Edgar Allan Poe. (And of course, you could tell them to seek out a copy of the Gothic Charm School book!)
What do you do if your reasoned explanations about goth and why it’s not harmful or something to worry about fall upon deaf ears and your parents don’t agree with you? Well, you may have to wait a few years to fully become the gothy creature you long to be; understand that you will able to sneak in the music, the books, and the general ideas of goth into your life, but that you may not be able to completely express yourself in the way you want. Yes, that’s a frustrating idea. If you feel so strongly about it that you are willing to deal with arguments and recriminations from your disapproving parents, the Lady of the Manners wishes you luck and emotional resiliency. She just wants to remind you that your gothness is also not determined by how much you rebel against your parents’ wishes, and that sometimes adopting a veneer of “normalcy” is worth it to keep the peace at home.
Every time the Lady of the Manners reads about parents behaving this way she wants to shake them and calmly and loudly explain that their children are not clones of them; they are their own selves with their own interests and tastes. Lambasting them with cruelty for being different isn’t going to change the way they are; it’s going to make them withdraw from you and leave lasting emotional scars. Why would you want to do that to your child?
The same goes for people with institutional power, such as school boards, teachers, and hell, even employers. Being different from “the norm” in any way — be it subcultural affiliation, gender, sexuality, neurodivergence — doesn’t mean that person is dangerous or incompetent, and the Lady of the Manners is furious that these beliefs are still so damn prevalent. The people who feel this way may feel that they’re being “cruel to be kind” to get you to change into a person who will be safe from bullying and discrimination. They’re terribly misguided and wrong, but they may feel that they’re trying to protect you or “make you better”.
What can you do if you end up in one of these difficult (and stupid) discussions? Tell the person you’re talking to, in as calm and dignified a manner as you possibly can, that you don’t agree with what they’re saying and (if at all possible) walk away from the “conversation”. Go to another room, go for a walk around the block, but make it clear you will not stay there and be insulted or talked down to. If it’s not possible to walk away and end the conversation, do everything you can to stay calm and keep repeating “I don’t agree with you.” Avoid getting into an argument if you can.
Do what you can to find friends and communities that support you, and that will make you feel less alone. If you decide to seek out other goths online, please remember basic internet safety: don’t give out personal information such as your name, phone number, address, school, etc.; always verify information you see online instead of immediately believing it; be polite and don’t bully people; and if something or someone makes you uncomfortable, go to a trusted adult.
For the younger readers, keep reminding yourself that you will eventually get to be the person you want to be. For everyone, regardless of age, who is reading this: goth is personal. Goth is a wide range of music, fashion, and all sorts of art, and you can pick and choose what you want and what will best fit your life. No one, and the Lady of the Manners means NO ONE, is a perfect spooky creature of darkness in a glorious spooky environment 100% of the time. No matter what someone’s carefully curated social media may imply.
Now it’s time to open the comments! Do you have helpful suggestions? Words of encouragement? Stories of how you faced similar things? Discuss! Just remember that the Lady of the Manners moderates the comments very closely, and bullying or rude behavior will not be tolerated.
You’re back! Lady of the Manners, you were definitely missed. Are you here to stay?
It’s sometimes funny to me (although not really) to see that the same age old struggle of teens exploring anything goth related still happens. I remember being pulled aside by my schools guidance counselor for ” a little chat to see how you’re doing” the first time I wore black lipstick to school. While I can imagine its usually rooted in misplaced concern for ones well-being, I would argue taking away the choice to explore ones interests (even if they’re ‘spooky’ interests) would end up being more harmful in the long run. Hopefully, as was in my case, a simple chat about why the interest was sparked is enough to clear any worries and allow the exploration of spookyness in peace!
I think your commitment to sticking up for goth kids is terribly rare, noble, and necessary. When I was a baby bat growing up in a small town, it was very important to me to have your words with which to explain myself. ???? Thank you for the new post!
I’m certainly going to try to! It all depends on my energy levels, which fluctuate because of some chronic illness issues.
One small area that people need to pay attention to, especially in places like there where they are “floating” (re: forcing and then getting all defensive when they face push back) ideas like this is that you can rely on your public library for a lot of resources to show that your interests are not that bad. Having a public place that allows you to find outside material without the threat of someone who might have a vested interest in reporting to someone who is misinformed or an interest in policing something for reasons (school board re-elections) is key to finding what you are looking for. That said, your public libraries all across America are getting hit with book bans, restrictions and threats to their funding by the same types of people who launch these “think of the children” arguments that rarely ever think of anyone. This might seem like a jump but the bottom line is that your library is an amazing resource to research, to be yourself and to find the means of being able to arm yourself with information. Also please don’t take it for granted because libraries need you.
The proposed dress code was just as ill advised and nescient as trying to paper over the cracks in the Titanic. “Well, we don’t want to do anything to help these kids with their problems, but we’re sure as hell going to prevent them from displaying the symptoms!”
School dress codes, from uniforms to “no all black clothing” make me want to cringe. And the excuses for them are almost always the same: Lame.
“A uniform will reduce bullying because pupils won’t have any reason to pick on one-another for being ‘different'”.
No, school children will ALWAYS find a reason to bully one-another. It’s primal to establish a pecking order, and children will always be the harshest because they have little understanding of consequences and no filters. If your schoolboard thinks they can fix a bullying problem with a uniform or a dress code the reality is they have no bullying prevention policy, and they’re doing the absolute minimum to fix it.
As you say, banning black won’t cure depression, it simply attempts to add a splash of colour to the misery while taking away the pupil’s agency. But you can understand why they take this route. Dealing with malaise among a growing cohort of children would take effort, and we all know what effort means: funding. So you can see why that’s off the table before the party’s even started.
I would have thought that curtailing kids already limited autonomy and self-expression would make them more angry, isolated and depressed but what do I know?
If dress codes ever fixed issues with bullying then schoolkids in countries with uniforms should be bully free and happy right?
Wrong AF, they’ll find below the surface or bully you for how your uniform fits different because of your size or structure or is smelly or tatty from home issues…and thats without them getting intot honking of your personality, tastes or habits.
I’m so glad someone agrees with my views on uniforms.
I’m very happy that the Lady of the Manners has graced us with a post after such a long time! Going on to the topic on hand, these people are completely ridiculous and I am so grateful that the Lady of the Manners has brought this our attention. the level of control these people want over children is utterly bonkers.