Of Serious Matters Such As Harassment And Bigotry. And Vampires.

Posted on March, 2009 by Lady of the Manners

Honestly, Snarklings. The Lady of the Manners leaves you alone for a few short weeks in order to go see Coraline and review manuscript pages for the Gothic Charm School book, and then distressing letters arrive in her mailbox!


question: i have guy who is vampire he asked me to marry him i do not know what to do or where to go or how to act around up class vampires he very rich and i do not know where to go with this i was born with brithdeffect and it scares me his frined will not like me

A vampire. Who asked you to marry him.

First things first. This vampire guy who asked you to marry him: have you met him in person before? Where did you meet him, and how well do you know him? Forgive the Lady of the Manners for being a worry-wart, but her fear is that this guy is someone you’ve been talking with online, and you’ve never had a face-to-face meeting with him. Do you know where he lives, do you know any people who have met him? If you did meet him online, are there other people you talk to on the same place who know him? If so, you should send them private messages and ask them questions about who he is, and ask them if he’s done this sort of thing before.

Before you agree to be his bride, please, PLEASE arrange a meeting with him in a public place where there are lots of people around, like a coffee shop, and make sure you have some friends who are nearby. Perhaps the Lady of the Manners is being overly paranoid, but what you’re describing sounds like a classic set up of someone looking, in the best case, for someone to be a victim to ridicule, and in the worst case, he’s looking for a victim for darker, more violent reasons. And for goodness sake, do not let him convince you to meet up with him and his “vampire” friends by yourself! If he seems unhappy or uneasy at the suggestion that you want to have some public meet-ups, or that you want to know more about him before a relationship, that is a huge warning signal.

So please, make sure you have met him a couple of times, and get to know him and get a better idea of what he’s thinking before you agree to be in a relationship with him, much less get married to him. You wrote that you didn’t know where to go with your questions; is there anyone you can talk to? A parent, a friend, a teacher, or a co-worker? This situation is absolutely something you shouldn’t have to handle on your own, and the Lady of the Manners would feel better knowing that you have people you can talk to about this face-to-face, and who can come to your aid if needed.

—

Dear Lady of Manners,

I enjoy reading your blog and would like your opinion on a situation I face. I’m a high school student in a very conservative suburb of a major liberal city. I also tend to dress a little bit on the gothier side, along with loving the music. I get a lot of flack for this, and as of this year, no students in my high school will work with me on school projects, or talk to me even in polite conversation, or acknowledge in general that I exist(If I hand a pencil to someone, they won’t pick it up and will wait until I put it on the desk near them to touch it, if I say wait a minute if a door is closing, people will pointedly refuse to hold it for a second, etc.). The reasons they state are that I was raised pagan by hippie parents, my other relatives are Jewish, I don’t shave, I have pale skin, I’m a baby killer, and that I wear black a lot and it scares them. Sadly, my high school administration tells me to tan and wear normal clothes and to convert my parents to Christianity (I’m not religious in any particular sense). My parents are old hippies, and thus are ok with my choices. I’m of northern European descent and as a result, I am very fair. They call me a baby killer because my grandfather did abortions before they were legal, and many people in my town have the stance “Sins of the father carry on” and such. My school is also very anti semetic, and I get mocked a lot for having some rather stereotypically Jewish features, and people don’t want to work with a “greedy Jew”. I choose not to remove body hair for personal moral reasons, and try to cover it as much as possible to avoid offending people. The biggest issue by far seems to be my family’s religion I’m not sure how to deal with people who have these bigoted stances and how to deal with teachers who take points off projects because I’m unable to find people to work with. I do have some sympathetic teachers and they’ve had discussions with classes, but that lead to them getting talked to as students were offended by comments that were made (Such as, What’s wrong with a girl being pale?) as it upset them and made them think our teacher was promoting “homosexuality” (I’m a straight female, but my peers are very homophobic and feel that I’m a lesbian due to my grandfather having done abortions.), but the vast majority of teachers and peers tell me I should get a tan and just convert my family and wear stuff from Hollister. I’ve also been told by school administration that I should wear wholesome “Christian” dress such as camis that are pink as opposed to my typical long sleeved long dresses in some black fabric, or black long sleeved shirts and jeans. As a result of my choices, people refuse to work with me for school projects, or even talk to me. I’m fine not having friends in my school, as I have friends in other towns, but it’s extremely difficult to deal with people who are disturbed by my appearance, which I feel isn’t too scary. I do tone it down for school, wearing more normal makeup and keeping my hair simple as opposed to all Siouxsie Sioux esque and not wearing anything too gothy, but I do wear mostly black and usually some sort of dress. I’ve tried quoting the Bible with these people, but they claim I’m not interpreting the Bible correctly and that “heathens” can’t read the Bible as their eyes will burn. (Yes, someone did actually say that…) Should I just wait a few more years, or consider becoming home schooled? Or should I try to fit in?
Thanks!

Oh ”¦ goodness gracious, you poor Snarkling! After reading your litany of woe and dealing with (to be perfectly blunt) stupid and bigoted people, the Lady of the Manners is filled with the urge to start smiting some of your school administrators and classmates with a parasol. Perhaps while delivering a lecture about tolerance at high volume. Which, the Lady of the Manners is aware, is of no help to you, but she does want to let you know that she is filled with fury on your behalf.

Now, as to what you should do? Do not try to fit in. Not only does the Lady of the Manners think that trying to disguise who you are and what you believe in is folly, but she’s also fairly certain that even if you did completely change how you presented yourself, your classmates and teachers wouldn’t treat you any better. They would probably still say vile, hurtful things to you, because they sound like they are the sorts of creatures who are set in their ways and views, no matter what happens.

So. Do not try and blend in. And honestly, the Lady of the Manners doesn’t think you should try and wait a few more years and struggle with that toxic environment. You mention the possibility of being home schooled; is that something your parents (who sound wonderful) would be up for? Because unless there is an alternative school you could apply to, home schooling sounds like the best option for you.

By “alternative school”, the Lady of the Manners isn’t speaking of just another school in your school district that you could transfer to. No, she means the sort of school that is specifically set up with a more flexible environment, and usually caters to students coming from different lifestyles. The Lady of the Manners wants to stress that she is not implying that you are the person at fault, or that you are a “disruptive student” or a delinquent; not at all! But since your teachers and school administrators are very obviously failing you, you need to look at what other options are open to you. Depending on where you live, there may be an online school available, either through your current school or one that you transfer to,

The only other bit of advice the Lady of the Manners has for you is to suggest that you and your parents contact the city administrators for your school district. Talk to them about the discrimination and harassment you are suffering, and make it very clear that the school administration is unwilling to help you. This, sadly, will almost certainly involve documentation and bureaucratic red tape of the most aggravating sort, and still may not provide any tangible help. You may also want to contact the State board of Education and the ACLU for advice about other support that may be available to you.

The Lady of the Manners is very sorry that you’re having to deal with such close-minded tormentors, and hopes that you are able to get past it. Please write back and let the Lady of the Manners know what you decided to do and how it turned out.

—

On the one hand, the Lady of the Manners is very touched that Snarklings feel they can write to her with very serious concerns. On the other hand, after trying to answer those concerns as best she can, the Lady of the Manners feels a bit fatigued, and is going to rejuvenate her frivolity levels by watching Beetlejuice and searching Etsy for pretty things. But the Lady of the Manners does enjoy receiving mail from all of you, so by all means, write!

Posted in Growing Pains, Serious Matters | Leave a comment

Of Movies and Button Eyes: Coraline

Posted on February, 2009 by Lady of the Manners

It’s time, Snarklings, for the Lady of the Manners to flail her hands in excitement. Why, you may ask? Because the movie for Coraline arrives in theatres on February 6th!

You do know about Coraline, don’t you, Snarklings? The wonderful book by Neil Gaiman about a young girl who walks through a secret door in her new home, into an alternate, more magical version of her life, complete with Other versions of her parents. But the magic takes a turn for the sinister, and Coraline must rely on her determination and bravery to get back home.

Coraline has been one of the Lady of the Manners’ favorite books since she first read it in 2002. As a matter of fact, the Lady of the Manners has wanted to dress up as the Other Mother for some Halloween for ages and ages, but couldn’t figure out how to create sfx prosthetics to give herself button eyes. But now, thanks to the Coraline site, the Lady of the Manners can at least see what those button eyes would look like.

The Lady of the Manners, with button eyes.

(Make your own portrait with button eyes at this handy clicky-link.)

But it’s not just the fact that Coraline is a darkly-charming story by Neil Gaiman that has the Lady of the Manners all aflutter in anticipation of the movie. Snarklings, Oh no. Coraline is directed by Henry Selick, that fantastic visionary that directed The Nightmare Before Christmas. (Snarklings, you did know Henry Selick was the director of The Nightmare Before Christmas, didn’t you? The story was the brainchild of Tim Burton, but that Henry Selick brought it to life on the screen.)

Here, look at a trailer:

Now, if you Snarklings browse the same sorts of websites and blogs that the Lady of the Manners does, you probably have seen oodles of posts about the upcoming Coraline movie. So why is the Lady of the Manners joining the flurry of ”¦ oh fine, let’s call it “buzz” about Coraline? Well, the delightful Mr. Gaiman explained it best in one of his blog posts:

” It’s a film without a big name star, handmade in Portland by a first time studio: it’s not a film that the world is holding its breath for — mostly, the world doesn’t really even know it exists. The filmmakers have one crack at getting people in to see it on its first week of release, and only one, because, while it will undoubtedly go on to live forever on DVD format (and whatever comes after that), possibly even go on to Nightmare Before Christmas-like longevity, the perception of whether it was a success or a failure is mostly all about how it does when it goes out there on Feb 6th.

I’m proud of what Henry and his astonishing team did, and want as many people to see it as possible.

The reviews will help, but I’m not sure that reviews make as big a difference as simply advertising and letting people know something’s out there.”

That, Snarklings, is why the Lady of the Manners is encouraging all of you to go see Coraline over the weekend of February 6-8th, if you possibly can. It’s a delightful book, and everything the Lady of the Manners has obsessively tracked down and watched over and over seen shows that the movie is going to be just as delightful. So go see it.

Posted in Amusements, Clicky-links | Leave a comment

Of Goths and Religion

Posted on January, 2009 by Lady of the Manners

Snarklings, why do so many people (including ones who should know better) think that Goth has some sort of religious affiliation? Is it because so many Goths like wearing large, ornate cross pendants or intricately-beaded rosaries? Wait no; that, while possibly a small part of it, can’t be the main impetus for so many people assuming that Goth comes with a particular religious requirement. Because if that was the case, the accessorizing with crosses and rosaries would cause people to assume that all Goths are particularly flamboyant Catholics or Christians, and this poor Snarkling wouldn’t have written in with the following letter:


I have long been a reader of your wonderful site, and feel that it’s come time for me to send in an issue of my own…

In short, my parents are concerned that I’m “going goth,” which presents a curious problem. While a great part of my tastes may fall under the heading, I use the term “goth” as more of a description of the individual items that I tend to gravitate towards, the rest of my personality being considerably eclectic.

I am a girl in my late teens with very little peer pressure to conform to any such subculture, or the like. (yes, really) I simply admire the “gothic” aspects of fashion…and have an equal admiration for Tim Burton films…

At times, it’s especially hard, because you see, I’m a Christian, and it’s only natural for Christian girls to want to wear bland (in my opinion, and sarcasm). I just can’t see why I shouldn’t “be myself” like it seems everyone around me is allowed to.

How can I help my parents understand that while I may appear in black lace and Jack Skellington themes now and then, I’m not trying to fit in, stick out, rebell, or become a witch?

Thank you for your time,
Blackbird

The Lady of the Manners is very sad to hear that your parents are questioning your faith because you want to express yourself and explore the Goth subculture. As you well know, their fears are groundless. Goth isn’t a religious movement. There is no council of black-clad elders that you must swear devotion to before you can adorn yourself with black lace or watch Tim Burton movies. If there is, they’ve been very remiss in sending the Lady of the Manners the monthly newsletter.

(By the way, Snarklings, in case it wasn’t perfectly clear, that comment about the council of black-clad elders was a joke. The Lady of the Manners doesn’t normally feel she must point out the humorous asides in her writing, but discussions of religion can have strange effects on people.)

Firstly, have you explored the Christan Goth site? The Lady of the Manners has heard good things about them, and thinks that finding other Goths that share your faith will not only be helpful to you in dealing with your parents concerns, but will also help you feel less alone.

Sadly, the Lady of the Manners’ knowledge of resources for Christian Goths pretty much began and ended with the Christian Goth site. But! The Lady of the Manners knows people who know all sorts of things, and thanks to them was able to assemble a larger list of Useful Links for you:

Bands:
The Violet Burning
Saviour Machine
Leper

Organizations:
The Asylum
The Underground Railroad

And from one of the Lady of the Manners’ friends, some explanations!

”I don’t know how much of this is going to be useful to you, or how deeply you want to delve into it, but there is definitely a thriving Christian goth scene. My primary involvement in the scene is peripheral, originating at a large Christian music festival I’ve attended just about every year since 1997, called Cornerstone. It’s put on by a communal living group based in Chicago called Jesus People USA who were originally a bunch of hippies back in the day. Today they’re a thriving group of punks and goths and rockers and earth mothers and whatnot. Anyway, their open-hearted approach to Christianity and to people is probably the only reason I’m still a Christian today.

Gothic bands have always been a part of that festival, and eventually there was a specific group of fans and folks that hung out together there. Starting in 1998, they became the Asylum, linked above, where goth kids could come to hang out and get to know each other, but also where “mundanes” could interact with them without fear of reprisal.

Later, the festival itself began to recognize that people were falling through the cracks and that outreach programs were needed for all sorts of subcultures, getting people fed and taken care of, protected, acknowledged. That’s where the Underground Railroad came from, a group of diverse ministries who were trying to connect with all different types of subculture kids.”

As to reassuring your parents that your wardrobe of gloom and fondness for an animated singing skeleton aren’t incompatible with your faith; well, the Lady of the Manners knows it’s an obvious suggestion, but you have tried sitting down and talking with them, haven’t you? Explain that while you feel that there is more to your interests and personality that the Goth label encompasses, there is nothing wrong with being a Goth. Explain to them why certain aspects of the Goth world are interesting and attractive to you, and that you see no problem with reconciling your assorted interests and your faith.

Your parents will probably not listen to you at first, which is why you need to combine your words to them with actions. Keep attending church with them, and show them that your interest in gothy things and a darkly-hued wardrobe doesn’t mean that your personality has changed or that you’ve become a terrible person or that you’ve lost your faith.

—

Of course, Snarklings, there are all sorts of religious dilemmas that Goths and their fellow travelers in dark subcultures are confronted with. While the Lady of the Manners was tracking down information for the previous letter, a request for help of a slightly different sort came winging into the Gothic Charm School mailbox:

Lady of the Manners,

I’ve recently discovered your website, and I must say, it is simply delightful.

My question for you is one that has been bothering me for a while now, and it is this: how do I respond to my friends when they ask me about my religion? I attended a Christian school for six years, and many of my friends are extremely faithful Christians. However, when I left said school, I began exploring other religions. I’ve been a Satanist for two years now, and my friends don’t understand why I’ve thrown away Christianity.

How can I tactfully explain to them that I respect their religious choices while still making it clear that I don’t intend to revert back to Christianity?

Oh ”¦ goodness, what a potentially uncomfortable situation. Well, there is always the somewhat obvious but straightforward approach of gently telling your friends that you have made your spiritual choice after much research, exploration, and (ahem) soul-searching, and that you would appreciate it if they could show the same respect to your choices that you do to theirs.

As the Lady of the Manners said, that’s a rather obvious approach. But, she really does believe that it’s the best approach, too. Your friends should be able to understand that just because you are following a different spiritual path than they are, that doesn’t mean you are no longer their friend or a bad person.

Do your friends understand what you mean when you say that you are a Satanist? Because the Lady of the Manners assumes that you don’t mean that you are someone who dabbles around with black candles, scribbles odd symbols on walls, and believes they can summon demons, do you? As the Lady of the Manners understands it, honest to goodness er, darkness, Satanism is a name for several different religious paths, and none of them bear any resemblance to what the mainstream media depicts them as. You might want to sit down with your friends and have a serious, in-depth discussion of your religious beliefs, and what led to the choices you made.

However, the Lady of the Manners feels she must warn you: there is a chance this discussion could go ”¦ poorly. No matter how clearly and carefully you explain your choices to your friends, there is still a very good chance that they may not listen to you, and might even argue with you in the hopes of converting you back to Christianity. And while the Lady of the Manners is sure that your friends would be making such arguments out of affection for you and wanting you to do what they see as the best thing, she must point out that true friends will (eventually) accept you for who you are, and who you wish to be. Mind you, that acceptance may come at the price of agreeing to not discuss religion, but (as the Lady of the Manners is sure you’re aware) sometimes the people we’re fond of hold very different opinions than our own.

What if they can’t accept your choice of religion? Then you have to subject yourself to more, er, soul-searching and decide if you value their friendship enough to put up with their disapproval and confusion about part of your life. The Lady of the Manners, sadly, doesn’t really have any advice that might make that decision easier, but sympathizes that making such a decision, while difficult and painful, is sometimes necessary.

—

Gracious, Snarklings, taking about religion can be difficult and uncomfortable, can’t it? The Lady of the Manners hopes that this particular edition of Gothic Charm School was helpful, if not perhaps a fun-filled tea party. The Lady of the Manners is now going to read through some more mail from Snarklings, and then spend a pleasant hour or two window-shopping on Etsy for more tiny hats. And as always, Snarklings, you know what comes next: the traditional exhortation to write to the Gothic Charm School!

Posted in Being Mannerly, General | Leave a comment

Amusements, Or What the Lady of the Manners Looks At When She Is In Need of Distractions

Posted on January, 2009 by Lady of the Manners

Hello and happy 2009, Snarklings! May this year be kind and the best sort of exciting for everyone. This installment of Gothic Charm School isn’t the usual sort of lesson; no, it’s a short list of places on the Web that the Lady of the Manners is fond of. Blogs she likes to check, places she likes to window (and tab) shop, that sort of thing. You see, the Lady of the Manners is working on writing up the next lesson for Gothic Charm School (a number of you have written with questions concerning Goth and religion), but she thought that while she was working on that topic, you Snarklings might like to see where the Lady of the Manners goes for distraction and gothy eye candy.

So! A blog that the Lady of the Manners has been devoted to since it first appeared on the web is Coilhouse. Describing itself as “A love letter to alternative culture, written in an era when alt culture no longer exists”, Coilhouse is a website and a print magazine. The site is full of interesting videos, music, art, images from gorgeous and quirky fashion shoots, and essays about Goth and other subcultures. The contributors to Coilhouse have a knack for digging up links to fascinating creations, while the print magazine is a gorgeously glossy collection of ephemera. The Lady of the Manners isn’t kidding when she says she’s devoted to Coilhouse; her daily online routine goes something like this: check email, check LiveJournal, scan Twitter, and then scoot over to Coilhouse to see what they’ve found today.

Recently, the step after looking at Coilhouse has been look at Haute Macabre, which is a relative newcomer to the Goth and fashion blog world, and is making a very impressive debut. Haute Macabre is primarily focused on fashion, and oh! The gorgeous things they’ve unearthed. From posting scans of Goth-themed luxe photo shoots in past issues of House and Garden Magazine to featuring designers making rings that look like tiny Gothic cathedrals, Haute Macabre presents some of the best bits of gothy eye candy and inspiration that the Lady of the Manners has seen in a while.

Speaking of gothy eye candy and inspiration, it’s time for the Lady of the Manners to talk about the site that she has lost spent countless hours on: Etsy. Etsy’s tagline is “Your place to buy & sell all things handmade”, but it could just as easily be described as “Pages and pages of things you didn’t know you wanted, but now you covet desperately”. The Lady of the Manners likes browsing Etsy not just because she likes to window-shop, but because looking at what other people have come up with and created can lead to new ideas and inspiration. Not, the Lady of the Manners would like to stress, stealing or copying other people’s ideas, because that is Very Bad Form. (The Lady of the Manners is sure you knew that, Snarklings, but still felt it needed to be said.) But looking at someone else’s creation can often lead one to creative projects that one hadn’t though of trying before.

Of course, Etsy is also good for window-shopping. Very, very good. The Lady of the Manners is currently coveting and pining over a collection of gorgeous objects, all of which she can’t quite justify spending the money on. That isn’t to say the Lady of the Manners thinks these items aren’t worth their asking prices, not at all! There is no doubt that the artisans who created these confections deserve every penny they’re asking for, and if the Lady of the Manners had a large amount of frivolous spending money, she would be merrily adding every one of these goodies to her Etsy shopping cart. But instead, the Lady of the Manners must content herself with staring longingly and saving up her pennies.

Gothic Victorian Noir Feather Bat Skull Cameo Brooch Fascinator by Loved To Death Really, what’s not to like here? Feathers, black velvet, and a bat skull!

The Florence – Victorian Top Hat by Topsy Turvy Designs The Lady of the Manners is lucky enough to already own one hat by Topsy Turvy, and dreams of owning many more. Burgundy velvet and pink trimmings! It would go with so many things in the Lady of the Manners’ Cupcake Gothic -themed wardrobe.

The Carrion – Jet Black Gothic Lolita Victorian Collar by cadavercouture This is just drop-dead elegant. The Lady of the Manners would wear it over a severe Victorian-esque jacket and full skirts.

Antoinette’s Dream Tricorn Mini Ship Tilt Hat by heysailor THE tiny hat of the Lady of the Manners’ fevered dreams. Pink! With black & white stripy accents! And a miniature pirate ship! Certainly not something for everyday attire, but a stunning conversation piece. The Lady of the Manners is not joking when she states that she goes and ogles this hat at least once a day.

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to take a short break to browse around Etsy a bit more, and then get back to writing the next lesson for Gothic Charm School. As always, don’t forget to write!

Posted in Amusements, Clicky-links, Stuff & Oddments | Leave a comment

Of Conflicts About Cosmetics, Requests For Fashion Advice, and Dealing With Copy-Cats

Posted on December, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Hello Snarklings! Goodness, the Lady of the Manners has a whole bundle of letters to answer from readers. Yes, the Lady of the Manners had intended to sit down and write up replies to them in a slightly more timely fashion, but was distracted by such things as squee-ing over a new sewing machine and needing to bake gingerbread bats. Not to mention that whole day job thing. But! The Lady of the Manners has resolved to resist the siren calls of new fabric (pink skull brocade!) and a recipe for absinthe-flavored marshmallows, and instead focus on answering Snarklings’ questions. (Because she does like doing that just as much as sewing or baking; it’s just that sewing and baking require a smidge less concentration.)

The first letter is from a young lady named Courtney:


question: I am 17 years old, and disabled. Due to the fact that I am disabled, there is no opportunity for me being on my own. My mother is understanding of my disability, and of all aspects of my life, with my “Gothiness” being an exception. I have not attended school for several years, being on the Home Bound program as an alternative. I will receive SSI Disability immediately upon turning 18. It has already been awarded to me.

Anyhow, my makeup is excessively flamboyant. It makes me comfortable! It is how I most prefer to express myself. My mother does not understand, and thinks I am being SELFISH (and this is the main point of my discussion), but it is immensely symbolic to me. She says “You are being selfish. I have tolerated enough from you throughout the years.” She states that she is ashamed to go anywhere with me, and that I embarrass her. I have cried over it. I love my mother, but I am an adult, or will be very soon, and I need to consider what is best for myself. She states she would much rather have a “blonde-haired normal daughter that she could take out to lunch and laugh with.”

I most likely will be unable to drive myself anywhere, because of my disability, but I want to go out in public as I like. Why is mother doing this? Why is she so ashamed? I have attempted to reason with her, to no avail. Anything I say is countered with, “That’s not the point! You’re selfish! What if people I know see you? What you see in the mirror is warped. Other people don’t see that when they look at you. How on Earth could you perceive that as flattering? I think it’s horrible! Are you doing this on purpose? My life is ruined forever! I shouldn’t have to be embarrassed. Don’t you consider what you’re doing to other people?” Please help.

Oh Courtney, the Lady of the Manners winced when she read your email. As the Lady of the Manners suspects you are probably already well aware, part of your mother’s reaction sounds very much like it has nothing to do with the makeup? That it almost certainly is rooted in her (probably unacknowledged) concerns and issues about your disability. The phrase from your letter that leapt out at the Lady of the Manners and made her think this is ”She states she would much rather have a “blonde-haired normal daughter ”¦”

You see, your mother probably worries that your disability will make people treat you differently than other people; a worry that is not unreasonable. Since she can’t “fix” you and make it so you can have a “normal” life (for values of “normal” meaning with just the average sort of ups and downs), she wants to try and ensure that you won’t deal with even more unwanted (and possibly unwelcome) attention. Which the Lady of the Manners can understand; you’re her child, and of course she wants to shield you from unwanted and potentially negative attention. But ”¦ there’s no other way to put this; your mother is the one being selfish here. She is ignoring what you want, and is trying to make you feel guilty for what you prefer by stating that you’re ”ruining her life”. You say that you’ve attempted to reason with her, so the Lady of the Manners suggests that you start being completely honest and blunt with her. Point out to her that you don’t appreciate her trying to make you feel guilty for what you like. Tell her that no one’s life has been “ruined” by someone else’s cosmetic choices. Tell her that when she complains about wanting a ”blonde-haired normal daughter”, it feels like she’s complaining not just about your makeup, but also about your disability. And finally, gently (or not-so-gently, depending on your mood) explain to her that you are expressing yourself through your flamboyant cosmetics because it makes you happy, that you are old enough to make your own choices about such things, and that she is being the selfish one in this situation.

Will all of this magically make your mother understand your side of the argument? The Lady of the Manners is sad to say, probably not. But these sorts of things must be said to your mother, because she needs to accept that you are your own person, with choices and tastes that don’t always align with her wishes. The Lady of the Manners hopes that this discussion with your mother goes as well as it possibly can. Please write back and tell her how it went.

– – –

The next letter is a request for fashion advice from a young lady named Jinxella:


Dear Lady Manners,

I wear black all the time, but I would like to learn how to dress in a more feminine manner, instead of my black tee’s, jeans, and comfortable, but slobby footwear. I do own skirts, but I am not sure how to wear them with my lovely combat boots, and not look over done.
Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Jinxella

How to wear skirts with your combat boots? Dear Jinxella, you just wear them! Many Goths (including the Lady of the Manners) consider combat boots to be a basic style of footwear that can be worn with just about anything. (The Lady of the Manners has a personal preference for Victorian-esque boots in her own wardrobe, but that’s because she’s a devotee of pointier toes than are found on combat boots.)

As for dressing in a more feminine manner than your usual wardrobe ”¦ firstly, are your t-shirts more boxy-shaped than fitted? Altering your shirts to fit your figure will add a more feminine touch to them. If you’re handy with a needle and thread, you can transform the neckline of a regular tee into a more scoop-necked one, drawing the new neckline on the inside of the tee with tailor’s chalk before you take the scissors to it, of course! (The Lady of the Manners usually makes the lowest part of the “scoop” at the front about 3” below the top of the original neckband.) If you want to get really fancy, you can add narrow lace trim to the new neckline and on the sleeves.

Other feminine touches you could try is adding tops that are t-shirt like to your wardrobe: the same sort of cut and stretchy-ness as a fitted t-shirt, but in stretch velvet or a silky knit. Wear a dressy blazer or jacket with your t-shirts, jeans, and skirts, add a handful of sparkly brooches to the lapel, or tuck a lacy handkerchief into the breast pocket). Start accumulating more “feminine” jewelry, such as strands of vintage faux pearls or ornate bracelets, and accessorize your current wardrobe with them. Of course, an extremely simple way to make your jeans and tees look more feminine is to wear simple, but striking, makeup, such as eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick.

The important thing to keep in mind is to make sure you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing. While the Lady of the Manners is a big fan of frills and flounces, she is well-aware that they aren’t for everyone, and if you’re wearing something that makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable, the outfit just won’t look right on you, no matter how much effort you’ve put into it.

– – –

The final letter in this episode of the Gothic Charm School mailbox is from Elizabeth, asking how to deal with someone trying to imitate you and doing it poorly:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

since I found your charm school a couple of years ago, I have always found your posts very interesting, amusing and educating. But now, for the first time, I have found something which you don’t have posted on yet, or at least I haven’t been able to find it.
The problem I am seeing at the moment, is that my sister-in-law used to be the “most gothy person” of the family, and now, she is not anymore. Which doesn’t say that I’m trying to be, but that is the way she sees it. The only difference between us is that she likes to look goth to scare people off, whilst I prefer it just because I like the style and feel free in it.
The point in this is, that whenever I have seen her on a party whilst I’m wearing some clothing I really like, the next time I see her she will be wearing an almost exact copy of it, but than a cheap and “scary” version of it.
In the beginning I could laugh about it, but it starts to get very annoying, especially because I can’t show my parents-in-law any pictures of something I’m planning on buying anymore, because chances are that she will find out and buy it too (and appearing on a party in the same clothing is less than nice).
I have been thinking a lot about it, but I can’t think of anything that might change the way things are now, which is something I would really like, seeing as having a bad copy of you walking around is agitating.
My question is now, do you have some nice ideas to inspire me?

Kind regards,

Elizabeth

The Lady of the Manners wishes she had a simple answer for you, Elizabeth. But honestly, there isn’t much you can do in a situation like this. There is probably nothing you can say to your sister-in-law to make her understand that you don’t view being a Goth as something to compete over. To the Lady of the Manners, it seems like your sister-in-law is drawn to Goth as a way to get a reaction from people, to get attention. Which means that if you do try to talk to her about her copying your outfits, you’ll be giving her the attention she wants. So, the Lady of the Manners suggests not talking to her about it, at all. Don’t comment on it, and try to act as if you don’t even notice what she’s doing. If someone (even your sister-in-law) mentions the similarity in your styles to you, then smile and say something like “Oh yes, I’d noticed. I think it’s sweet that she likes my clothing so much”. Don’t even hint at feeling agitated. Because by appearing to be unconcerned by her attempts at being the Scariest, Spookiest Goth In The Family, you will show that you are merely being true to yourself and your interests, and not trying to get everyone’s attention.

If you feel very forgiving, you could take the tactic of “killing her with kindness”, and give your sister-in-law well-chosen and lovely gothy items as holiday and birthday gifts, or offer to go on a shopping trip with her and help her pick out things. That way you could show that not only are you not in any sort of competition with her over who is the Most Goth, but that you support her being who she wants to be.

– – –

That, Snarklings, is that for this installment of Gothic Charm School. The Lady of the Manners is going to go look at her snowy back yard, make a cup of cocoa with rose marshmallows, stare longingly some more at photos of a particular mini tricorn hat that is adorned with a tiny pirate ship, and then read some more letters from the Gothic Charm School mailbox. In addition to reminding you to feel free to write to Gothic Charm School, the Lady of the Manners also wants to remind all of you of the Gothic Charm School Café Press store!

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An Important Announcement About Gothic Charm School!

Posted on November, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Exciting news, Snarklings! Coming to bookstores in June 2009, the Gothic Charm School book! Gothic Charm School – An Essential Guide For Goths and Those Who Love Them, published by HarperCollins.

As you might guess, the Lady of the Manners is giddy with excitement about the upcoming Gothic Charm School book, and hopes that all of you are too. Because you see, this book isn’t a mere collection of assorted columns from the history of this site, gracious no! The Gothic Charm School book is full of all sorts of new goodies, and artwork by the Lady of the Manners’ dear husband, noted fantasy artist Pete Venters. (He created all the artwork for this website.)

The Lady of the Manners is also delighted to announce that she’s a special guest columnist in the Winter 2009 English-language Gothic & Lolita Bible from TOKYOPOP! As you Snarklings who are regular readers know, the Lady of the Manners is quite fond of EGL (Elegant Gothic Lolita) and EGA (Elegant Gothic Aristocrat) fashions, so being asked to contribute to the Gothic & Lolita Bible was a treat and an honor.

—

The Lady of the Manners had a wonderful time at Bats Day In The Fun Park, and meeting some of you Snarklings made a fun-filled weekend even better. The Lady of the Manners has always wanted to attend Bats Day, but the previous events were usually held in the height of summer. As a delicate native of the Pacific Northwest with a wardrobe full of petticoats, the prospect of summertime in Anaheim, California, canceled out the enticement of the sight of Disneyland swarming with fellow Goths. But oh, the Lady of the Manners is so glad she attended this year! The sight of 1,282 Goths standing in line for the Haunted Mansion is a memory that will bring a smile to her face for years to come.

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Bats Day In The Fun Park

Posted on November, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

This is just a quick note, Snarklings, to let you know that the Lady of the Manners is attending the 10th annual Bats Day In The Fun Park this weekend! If you’re also attending and happen to spy the Lady of the Manners wandering around, please come over and introduce yourself!

(Yes, it’s true. The Lady of the Manners loves Disneyland, and would quite happily move into the Haunted Mansion.)

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Of Returning To One’s Gothy Roots

Posted on October, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Oh Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners really did intend to have this lesson at Gothic Charm School be about the basics of a Goth wardrobe, really she did. But the Lady of the Manners received letters from a few older Snarklings about a very important issue. And while certain of the Lady of the Manners’ friends would claim that very little is capable of distracting her from burbling about clothing, when faithful Gothic Charm Readers write in asking if they’re ”too old to look Goth” ”¦ well. The Lady of the Manners is honor-bound to answer such questions. So read on, and see what concerns are troubling Jennifer and Laura (and probably others of you reading right this very minute).


Dear Lady of the Manners,

Having recently found your site and very much enjoyed reading it, I wondered if you might help me with an issue.
I was a goth in my teens and have always stuck to the ‘alternative’ scene but have recently felt that I’d like to go back to a more gothic look. How can I do this without scaring my new friends? I’ve only gone so far as dying my hair – dark brown, not black yet!
Also I think my other friends may wonder why I’m reverting. Maybe I am, but it’s how I’ve always wanted to dress really.
Is it too late? Or can I dig out my velvet blazer from the back of the wardrobe?

Yours, Jennifer

***

Dear Lady of the Manners,

I have been a goth since the mid 1980s, and find myself now in the “aging goth” dilemma. About 10 years ago, before I got married, I toned down my gothiness quite a bit. I dyed my blue hair black, and eventually dark brown (oh shudder!), put away my bat buckle boots and club clothes and tried to exude a bit more toned-down image. I was starting a new career in law, and feeling more mature, etc.. and was not sure there was a place for uber-gothiness in this new phase of my life.

Now, at 37, established in my career and happily married to a husband who misses my old style, I find myself yearning to go back to my gothic roots, but I don’t want to look like a silly old bat who doesn’t know her age.

What do you suggest? I don’t want to go too over the top with hair/clothes/makeup (I don’t have any piercing), but I really just don’t want to look like a silly old ass who can’t let go of the past. However, I realize that I’ve become BORING in my image and wardrobe. Of course, the Halloween season is only making me miss the old me even more!

Thank you for your time and thoughts 🙂

Laura

Oh Jennifer and Laura, no, you are not too old to go back to your Gothic roots. Of course, the worry that you might look like a silly old bat who doesn’t know her age is perfectly understandable. Especially since many (sadly misinformed and confused) people seem to think that there’s an expiration date on someone’s gothness (“Goth until 10/31”), or that people are only allowed to express their interest in the Goth world up to about, oh, the age of 30, and then they have to ::shudder:: Grow Up. Which is complete and utter twaddle, of course. For example, gothy icons Siouxsie Sioux and Peter Murphy are over 50, for heavens’ sake!

So yes, pull those velvet blazers out of where they’re lurking in the back of the closet, and feel free to embrace the style that you like best. If you’re worried about going too over the top with what you’re doing, start slowly and add pieces of gothiness to your look bit by bit. (The aforementioned black velvet blazer is a good starting point.) One of the important things to keep in mind as an ElderGoth is to wear your gothy wardrobe, instead of letting it wear you. What on earth does the Lady of the Manners mean by that? Choose garments and accessories because you like them and they’re flattering, instead of choosing them merely because the items in question are Very Gothic Looking. One easy route to adding some shadowy glamour back into your look is to turn to Victorian-styled items. Lace blouses, flowing skirts, fitted black blazers, and ankle boots are all perfectly appropriate for office wear, yet will give you that air of a dark romantic that you want to return to. What about tailored black slacks or a fitted pencil skirt, paired with a black pinstriped crisp dress shirt, some interesting shoes, and an ornate necklace or brooch? Again, that sort of outfit would be fine in almost any corporate environment, but still allows you to subtly express your stylistic preferences.

Also, are you indulging at all in cosmetics? The Lady of the Manners isn’t talking about layering on whiteface and black lipstick (oh gracious, no!), but thinks that a good way to (re)embrace your darker aesthetic preferences is to apply at least a little bit of makeup. Some concealer, a light dusting of translucent powder, mascara, and a dark berry or wine lipstick or lip stain will help you look pulled-together, and like you’re making a deliberate style choice instead of just pulling on some random black clothing. If the idea of a dark lipstick is slightly intimidating, there are many cosmetic companies that make tinted lip balms that come in sheer (but still deep-colored) formulas.

Looking Goth does not mean that you have to wear big stompy boots, shredded fishnets, have wildly unnatural hair colors, or look like you just crept forth from your grave and are headed off to the local nightclub. There is a time and a place for those sorts of looks, and while there is NO reason that you can’t indulge in them at over 30, but as Goths of a Certain Age, try to avoid anything that looks more like clubwear unless, of course, you’re headed out to the gothy club. (The Lady of the Manners should probably mention something here about avoiding anything that looks too “costume-y”, but is self-aware enough to realize that she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on here, what with her daily wardrobe including petticoats, top hats, and velvet military-style jackets.)

As to not scaring your new friends who may not have been around for your darker-hued years … again, expressing your gothy nature a little at a time should make that a bit easier, and help them understand that you’re doing this not out of some notion of regaining your youth or regressing, but because these are aspects of yourself that you want to express again. Also, just talk to them about it. Talk about how you’ve always had a fondness for the Goth subculture, that you miss it, and that you want to bring it back into your life. If your friends are the type that haven’t been around other Goths, be prepared for some of the usual well-meaning but confused questions, and try to answer them without too much eye-rolling or head-shaking. As always, politeness matters, even when others are a bit impolite. And while the following statement is one the Lady of the Manners is used to saying to younger readers, it is pertinent here: if they’re really your friends, they’ll accept what you do and not turn their backs on you or be “scared off”. Yes, there may be some good-natured teasing and joking, but if they respond with disdain, disgust, or angry words, then they probably weren’t really your friends.

So by all means, return to your extended Addams Family! Don’t fear that you’re “too old” to be a Goth and express it. Instead, revel in the fact that you are old enough to know who you are and what you want to spend your time on, and (the Lady of the Manners hopes) secure enough to not worry about other people’s opinions. Be who you want to be; if that involves darker colors and a black velvet blazer, so much the better.

With that last bit of a pep-talk, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to return to rummaging through her closet and calling it “writing research”. But keep your eyes open for an exciting news update that will be happening soon here at Gothic Charm School! And as always, please write!

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Of Goths and School Dress Codes

Posted on September, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Autumn means back to school, or it least it does according to most calendars and retail establishments. Of course, for many school-age Goths, back to school also means back to being harassed about what they prefer to wear. The Lady of the Manners wishes that such annual torment were not the case, but some of the letters fluttering into the Gothic Charm School mailbox say otherwise.

The Lady of the Manners has talked about dealing with taunts, unkind comments, and bullying before. The brief recap in case you’ve forgotten: do your best to ignore whatever abuse is directed at you, don’t start fights (but defend yourself if someone starts physically attacking you), be polite to your teachers, and try to learn that your self-esteem does not need to rest upon the opinions of other people, nor does popularity at school have any tangible rewards once you’re “grown up”.

But, oh Snarklings, a letter from Maria to Gothic Charm School recounted a tale of harassment that was more than the usual sort of nonsense school-age gothlings suffer.

question: Dear Lady,

For school has started once more for the babybats. But alas, for some schools such as mine, the district is going on one of their rare ritual ‘purges’ of anything Out Of The Ordinary due to open houses, voting, Very Important Vistors, etc etc.

They have started pulling young goths and emos out of class and are being told their clothing is not appropriate and distracting (while the girls deemed ‘normal’ are sitting with their Too Short Skirts with Low Cut Shirts and gentlemen with their underwear hanging out are permitted to remain in class?). I have been informed a boy in another school has been forced to change out of his normal early 19th century clothing after 3 years of attending the school without issues.

What are we to do? For the goths in our district have been banned from excessively frilly things, industrial boots, bondage pants, fishnets, certain colors of hairdye (AKA any color that humans are not born with), removing piercings, long coats and basically banning just about everything but black tee shirts and blah-ish what they deem Normal clothing for us babybats. Even some tee shirts are banned due to eccentricity. What are the babybats who enjoy variety and indulging in our frilly clothing, industrial hardware and the emos who love their piercings to do?

A school district “purging” anything Out Of The Ordinary? Forgive the Lady of the Manners, she needs a moment to stop growling and rein in her temper. The very first thing you should do is find out if there is an official district-wide dress code; if there is, get a copy of it immediately. If there isn’t, check if there are individual school dress codes and acquire copies of those. Study the dress codes very carefully. See if they specifically forbid piercings, colored hair, or black clothing. The devil, as is often said, is in the details. If any dress codes merely refer to “not appropriate and distracting”, then you have something to work with.

You see, vague language such as “not appropriate and distracting” means that you can make a case for your (and your fellow babybats’ and emos’) chosen attire being no more distracting than the skimpier clothing favored by your more mainstream classmates. But making that point will require patience, research, and a firm grip on your temper (and urge your compatriot to do the same!). When a Person In Authority at the school singles one of you out for your “inappropriate” appearance, calmly point out that the school dress code does not specifically mention whatever it is they’re raising a fuss about, and that how they are treating you could be considered discrimination.

If the assorted dress codes have spelled out that items near and dear to all of the hearts of the gothlings and emos, then start questioning the authorities in the school district as to why they consider long coats, piercings, and frilly clothing to be disruptive, but skimpy clothing and visible undergarments are not.

The Lady of the Manners must point out two very important things to keep in mind for either scenario: one, try to get your parents on your side about this. It is a sad fact that school officials will pay much more attention to your concerns if your parents agree with you and are willing to get involved in your discussions. Two, it is absolutely vital that you and the other students that are affected by these “purges” do your best to be Model Students in every other regard. The less bad behavior that school administrators have to use as examples of how your wardrobe is a detriment to learning, the stronger the point you’re trying to make will be.

But what if you’ve tried presenting your case to teachers and school administrators, and they just won’t listen? What if you are informed that certain looks Are Not Allowed? Well, if you really feel like it, you can try to generate press interest in what is going on. Take a look at the example of this star student who was suspended for dyeing her hair pink. (Admittedly, she dyed her hair in tribute to her late father who had passed away due to cancer. That sort of reason does garner more approval than someone “merely” expressing themselves.) There’s also the example of the young man being harassed at school for wearing makeup, and the support that his mother is giving him. Blog about your campaign for school rules to be applied fairly. (The Lady of the Manners doesn’t need to point out that you should do your best to write your posts in a way that does not scream “spoiled teenage whining” with every line, does she? Remember, many people will automatically dismiss your concerns because of your age and your aesthetic preferences; do what you can to disarm those knee-jerk reactions.)

Don’t feel ashamed or guilty if you don’t feel up to the effort of trying to publicize your cause to make the school district Powers That Be change their ways. It is important to recognize when something may be a lost cause and may eat up time, emotional security, and sanity that you can’t afford to lose. As galling as it is to admit this, the Lady of the Manners realizes that sometimes you have to grit your teeth and put up with nonsensical and cruelly frivolous rules, because it’s more important to concentrate on getting through whatever situation you’re in with the least amount of heartbreak and fruitless effort. If you can’t see any way around the draconian dress code, express your rebellion in whatever small ways you can during the school days (striped tights or socks, dramatic makeup, pins and buttons proclaiming your allegiances), and console yourselves with the knowledge that your school years are not forever, and that this sort of nonsense will eventually be behind you as a “character-forming” memory.

—
The next lesson here at Gothic Charm School is looking to be More Burbling About Fashion, as several Snarklings have written asking the Lady of the Manners’ opinion on what are the basics of a Goth wardrobe. So in preparation, the Lady of the Manners is going to wander off to rummage through her closets and call it “research”. As always, please write with any questions!

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The Lady of the Manners in BUST magazine!

Posted on September, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

The October/November issue of BUST magazine has an interview with the Lady of the Manners!

The Lady of the Manners has been a fan of the funny, fierce, and always thought-provoking magazine for ages and ages, so she is very flattered to be a part of BUST’s Looks feature. Go to your local newsstand or book store, Snarklings, and pick up a copy!

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