Of Goths and Pregnancy, the Follow-Up

Posted on September, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Goodness, Snarklings! The Lady of the Manners has always been impressed with the Power Of The Internet that our shadowy subculture has at its communal fingers, but didn’t expect quite such the flurry of helpful responses when she asked for useful links and resources for Goths in a family way! As promised, here is a collection of the information that various kind and helpful Snarklings sent in.

It looks like the Lady of the Manners’ first instinct was correct: a pregnant Goth’s best bet for finding maternity wear is to scour any stores that she can (be they thrift or consignment shops or stores that specialize in maternity wear) for anything that appeals to her, and then personalize everything with accessories. But there are all sorts of advice and Helpful Links collected here!

From Rose:Ӭ

www.velvetgarden.net

www.dracinabox.com

www.stardustkids.co.uk/acatalog/Gothic_Baby.html

www.subculturewear.com

And of course eBay.com is a good place to look! 

—

From Kimberly: You can find gothy maternity wear just about anywhere but you have to dig deep.  Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize!”¨”¨With baby stuff I learned my lesson.  With all the diaper and outfit changes it’s pointless to be super picky about baby clothes.   

—

From Rachel: I’m pregnant for the second time, so I was particularly interested in your letter featuring a newly pregnant reader. She was asking for non-cutesy baby clothes and maternity wear in keeping with her personality. Would you mind if I suggested…”¨

”¨–A layette of all white. White is a neutral, compliments the purity and innocence of the baby, and is easily bleached!”¨

–Target’s organic line, because the colors are simple and the shapes are un-fussy.”¨

–Using E Bay or antique shops to find infant clothing from the ’40’s and ’50’s.”¨”¨As for her own wardrobe, I don’t have much advice. Tips which I benefited from the most were:”¨

–Non-maternity elastic waist and smocked-waisted bottoms are comfortable and can be worn before, during, and after pregnancy. (I’m wearing some smocked-waist cotton-linen pants by Roxy right now.)”¨

–Bella bands let you wear your own pants for a long time.”¨

–Keep your clothing basic and accessorize with great jewelry and shoes.”¨

–She also might try buying plus-size clothing and tailor them to fit her arms, bust, and shoulders.

—
From Miss Lolita:  In your latest article you asked for links to stores that specialize in quirky/goth baby clothes, and the first website that came to mind was this: www.screamies.com”¨I haven’t spent much time on the website myself, but I have seen several ads for it in Gothic Beauty Magazine.”¨”¨Personally though, I think the best thing goth moms-to-be can do is buy a few patterns and take up sewing, knitting, or crocheting. That way the baby or maternity clothes will turn out exactly how they want them. It would also be something to do, for those who are bedridden, or not able to spend much time on their feet.”¨(I know of one goth lady who went out and bought a bunch of white t-shirts, and some iron-on paper, and printed out images of cartoon-ish skulls and bats for her baby’s clothes. The good thing about this method is you have something that’s both easily washable, and aesthetically pleasing.) 
”¨—

From Monique:  How about this place?”¨http://www.babywit.com/   There is some odd/dark/offbeat goodness there for sure. Big plus for having non-sweatshop merchandise, including some orgainics. 

—

From Miss Lynx:  While I’ll admit it’s not always easy, there are a few online shops I can recommend. One is Screamies, a side project of Dianna DiNoble of  Starkers corset fame. No, it’s not baby corsets (thankfully), just handmade gothy and/or punky baby clothes. Unfortunately, the Screamies site doesn’t seem to be showing up properly for me right now, but I’m hoping that’s temporary.”¨”¨I’ve also heard that Sidonie Spectre of To Die For Designs is considering starting a line of gothy baby clothes, though there’s no evidence of it on her web site yet. And there’s a new site in the works from another local goth designer in my area that’s definitely going to include a few maternity- and nursing-friendly item, though I have to declare a conflict of interest on that one as I’m designing the web site for her. Anyway, it’ll be at http://www.absynthetika.com when it’s finished, probably by the end of the summer.”¨”¨But definitely available now, and very much worth getting, are some of the cooler patterns on the Babyhawk site. It’s a type of baby carrier based on the traditional Chinese “mei tai”, and they have some really amazing fabrics which are a definite change from ordinary baby carriers. The “Punk” and “Oriental” fabric categories are especially worth checking out. (We went with a red koi pattern from the oriental section and black straps.) Aside from the visuals, it’s also a very well made and comfortable style of carrier, which unlike most mei tais has a neck support so it’s safe even for babies who can’t hold their heads up yet.”¨”¨Another cool thing my ex found at a local store – though I can’t recall the brand name, I’ll have to check with her – was black lace nursing tops with a built-in bra that has little holes cut out for the nipples, so you can just pull the neckline down a bit to nurse the baby and have nothing on display, since the baby’s mouth covers the hole. It looks almost like they’re nursing through cloth if you don’t know how it’s constructed. They have a tank top and a long sleeve style, both black, lace-trimmed and very pretty. I’ll try to find out the brand. 

—

From Paige: As far as baby clothes go, one *could* suggest to those family members likely to be hosting a baby shower that they could gently hint to the most likely pastel offenders that Grandma and the Aunties are going to go all out with clothing so if they wouldn’t mind getting the more boring but extremely necessary items like diapers, bottles, etc…. Perhaps mention that you are trying to avoid pastels because dirt will show easier on pastels than on say jewel tones… Or just suck it up, take what you get, take a picture of baby in it so that the family member feels appreciated, and then let it be baby’s “messy” clothes (for those days when baby is spitting up all over everything or has the unfortunate condition that results in baby poo everywhere, or if they’re older self feeding or crafts time).”¨”¨Maternity wear… well, the focus should be comfort, which is probably why all the t-shirts.  But stylish Gothy mom’s can also probably get away with larger sizes of styles already designed for the woman with a little extra belly, like baby-doll shirts/dresses.  Or find a friend who sews who can throw together some empire waisted sundresses in appropriate fabrics that can be paired with leggings and sweaters in colder months.  T-shirt fabric dresses may also be a comfortable compromise. 

—

From Bunny: I think that anyone’s best bet would be to look out for the “normal” maternity wear shops and source out items from them that can work.  Fortunately, there appears to be a fair amount of demand for attractive, fun and varied styles of maternity clothing, and at this time of year the Autumn/Winter styles are coming out with all the dark greys, blacks, jewel tones and the likes.”¨”¨Here’s a few places I found which had potential, although it will depend on your individual preferences.”¨
Ӭ
http://www.mamasandpapas.co.uk/range/new-mineral-age/2955/

http://www.dracinabox.com/searchresults/off/search/gothic+maternity+wearӬ

http://www.bloomingmarvellous.co.uk/categoryList.aspx?CategoryID=maternity&language=en-GBӬӬ

http://www.funkybumpmaternity.com/index.htmlӬӬ

I particularly like the cape-wing nursing dress here:ӬӬhttp://www.isabellaoliver.com/maternity-clothesӬӬ

I guess once you have a few key items that can be mixed about, it’s best just to accessorize as much as possible. 

—

As one last bit of advice, the Lady of the Manners would like to remind all Goth parents and parents-to-be that while outfitting yourself and your bundles of spooky joy in things that are aesthetically pleasing to you is a wonderful thing, the really important bit is to be comfortable and to reduce your stress levels as much as possible.  Not to mention that as delightful as it may be to dress your babybat in wee gothy finery, children will develop and express wardrobe preferences at a surprisingly early age; while you may not want your child to wear something with bright green and pink flowers on it, they may have other ideas.

If someone rolls their eyes or sneers at you because you or your child are not dressed in the height  of gothy finery, smile sweetly and ignore them. You’re helping raise the next generation of babybats, which is far more important that wearing the exactly perfect spooky attire. (The Lady of the Manners devoutly hopes that no Goth would be so tactless and foolish as to look down their pale little noses at Gothy parents, but realizes that some people are just clueless. The Lady of the Manners can only hope they grow out of it.)

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Of Goths and Pregnancy

Posted on August, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Snarklings, remember all those jokes the Lady of the Manners has made over the years about how there is no Goth Cabal or Gothic Hivemind? The Lady of the Manners is starting to entertain some doubts about that. Around the same time that some of the Lady of the Manners’ friends announced they were pregnant, various letters started pitter-pattering into the Gothic Charm School mailbox, full of questions about the unique dilemmas that Goth moms-to-be face. Well. The Lady of the Manners is not one to ignore serendipity, especially when it lands in her mailbox. In the course of a longer letter, a mother-to-be Snarkling named Kyoki had the following questions and comments:

Dearest Lady of the Manners;

”¦

You have nothing that addresses the plight of the pregnant Goth.

I found several lovely parenting articles encouraging mothers in their own ways and to help their babybats grow up to be ladies and gentlemen, and many, many letters to those babybats.

”¦

My second question is also pregnancy-related: I have reread your entire ‘Being Mannerly’ section, the ‘Being Social’ section, and the ‘Growing Pains’ section, in hopes of finding advice on this touchy subject…

How can I encourage unique gifts for my baby at my baby-shower?

I love my family. They have beautiful taste in most things, including clothing. (My maternal grandmother, bless her heart, fell madly in love with a shirt I was given at Christmas from Torrid (The plus-size branch of Hot Topic) that had a corsetted Asian feel to it, and raved madly about how the plaid school-girl skirt just set off my legs.)

I may get some odd looks for what I choose to wear, but they assume it extends to my children… now if only I could find a polite way to tell them that pastel pinks and blues and greens and yellows with cutesy little lace duckies and embroidered Winnie the Pooh is just -not- what I am interested in! I’m not interested in little bibs with skulls and crossbones (although that would be adorable!) or dressing my baby in ‘that weird black stuff’. I’m just interested in things that you will -not- find wandering the aisles of your local megamart!

(For that matter, where can -I- find eclectic and whimsical clothing for my baby?)

I am not worried that they’re going to shun me, or my son, because we choose odd clothes. I’m just trying to figure out how to give a wishlist of styles and patterns to my family so that they don’t buy us things we don’t want, but they also don’t have to walk into uncomfortable situations for them and buy blindly.

”¦

While I seem to have gone off on a tangent, the main questions remain the same. What can I wear, now that I am baby-proportionate? What polite way can I encourage my family to buy us gifts that we will enjoy? And where can I find unique and eclectic baby clothes and supplies?

Respectfully yours;

Kyoki

Goodness, a whole bundle of very good questions! To start with the first one, concerning a maternity wardrobe, the Lady of the Manners would be remiss if she didn’t casually mention that there are Gothic Charm School maternity t-shirts available. But the Lady of the Manners understands that, even as lovely as all the Gothic Charm School designs are, one’s maternity wardrobe probably needs to include more than just t-shirts. However, a quick jaunt around the Internet reveals that every other “gothic maternity” link out there offers, well, t-shirts, and not a lot else.

Does this mean that Goth moms-to-be are destined to spend their pregnancy wearing spooky t-shirts and skirts or pants with elastic waists? The Lady of the Manners certainly hopes not, but wants to caution you that the alternative takes a bit of work. Most of the expectant Goths the Lady of the Manners has been around have resorted to scouring their local thrift and consignment stores for Goth-friendly maternity garb. One type of store to look at even before giving birth are consignment and resale stores that specifically focus on babies and children; many of them have a maternity section. Also, in the Lady of the Manners’ local Goth community, there is a “communal” maternity wardrobe: a large storage bin of clothing appropriate for the more darkly-minded types. As each gothy mom-type takes custody of the wardrobe, they add items they had discovered on thrift-shopping trips.

The Lady of the Manners is sad to say that there doesn’t seem to be an easy answer to the dilemma of Goth maternity wear. Rummaging through thrift stores and consignment boutiques takes time and energy, both of which were in seemingly short supply amongst the pregnant Goths the Lady of the Manners has known. Recruiting family and friends to keep your current clothing needs in mind when they are shopping might unearth a treasure or two.

As for how to encourage your family to select gifts that you will enjoy? That’s tricky, because a gift is not something you really can (or should) give parameters for. There is the time-honored strategy of registering at some stores to compile a list of needed items that would make thoughtful gifts, but that isn’t foolproof. As one of the Lady of the Manners’ friends recently lamented, there’s not a lot of middle ground between pastel-drenched, officially-licensed baby merchandise and its polar opposite: the now mass-marketed “punk rock” baby gear. (Though the Lady of the Manners must admit that she has an unshakeable fondness for “classic” Winnie-the-Pooh and for the skull-festooned baby clothes. Which is why the Lady of the Manners is a classic Zany Auntie ”“type to all of her friends’ children.) Picking a color scheme that you would like to stick with for nursery décor (even if you aren’t planning on having a separate nursery) and baby clothes might also give your friends and family some helpful guidance when they start browsing baby goodies.

The Lady of the Manners feels that if your friends and family are moved to give you presents to celebrate you and your baby, they probably know you well enough to keep your distinctive tastes in mind when selecting that gift. If it turns out that the present really is something you can’t use, or that you feel is wholly inappropriate for your household, then you have the traditional routes of re-gifting it to someone else, taking it to a consignment shop, or very tactfully asking the gift-giver where they purchased it so you can return it. By “very tactfully”, the Lady of the Manners means thanking the gift-giver for their kind gesture, then saying something along the lines of “This is lovely, but I’m afraid it won’t quite work for our needs/go with the rest of the baby clothes. Would you mind if I exchanged it?”, all while not making any sort of disappointed or unhappy face whatsoever. As the Lady of the Manners said before, you oughtn’t specify what sort of present you want people to give you. Yes, gift registries and wish lists are everywhere (and frequently expected), but that doesn’t mean you should feel disappointed or let down if something that you are given isn’t exactly the thing you thought it should be.

As to finding unique and eclectic baby supplies? Well, there’s always places like Etsy, where independent merchants and crafters offer their creations for sale. Over the past couple of years the Lady of the Manners has also seen a growing number of “alternative” baby boutiques and shops cropping up; places that carry baby clothes and supplies in colors other than the pastel rainbow, and with characters that didn’t spring from a cartoon line. Mentioning to people that you’re looking to use as many handmade items or fair trade goods as possible with your child would also probably increase your chances of finding unique items. But the Lady of the Manners has also been told by the Goth parents she knows that while wanting to outfit your tot in what you find aesthetically pleasing is a wonderful idea, reality will quickly lead you to realize that the best baby supplies are ones that are easily washable and not overly fussy. (This is one of the many reasons the Lady of the Manners knows she is not meant to be a parent; she would want to dress any theoretical offspring in black velvet dresses with cascades of ruffles.)

Upon re-reading this particular lesson, the Lady of the Manners realizes that her answers, while well-intentioned, were not quite as helpful as she had hoped. So she turns to you Snarklings reading this: do any of you have clever suggestions for where Goth-moms-to-be can find Goth-friendly maternity clothing? Or places that specialize in quirky baby wear? Please send your suggestions to Gothic Charm School, and the Lady of the Manners will compile a list and post it.

(Of course, it goes without saying that you should write to Gothic Charm School with any other sort of gothy questions you may have. The Lady of the Manners just feels compelled to remind everyone.)

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Of Questions Concerning One’s Wardrobe

Posted on June, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Snarklings, remember how at the end of the last lesson, the Lady of the Manners said she was going to write about something less fraught? Perhaps something like fashion advice? Goodness, flocks* of you took that to heart; all sorts of letters with wardrobe questions arrived in the Gothic Charm School mailbox.

(*There never has been any sort of agreement on what is the proper collective noun for a collection of Goths, has there? The Lady of the Manners is fond of gloom, as in “a gloom of Goths”, but has also seen bleakness, brood, clot, shroud, and sulk all used.) 

However, enough chatter about etymology and the naming of things! Onwards to Snarklings’ questions about fashion! A Snarkling by the name of Ryan asked:

I love what you wear to work, do you have any tips for the Gents who’d like a bit of Goth in their office wear instead of the usual drab shirt and trousers?  I recently bought a pair of New Rocks (very unoriginal I know, apologies) which are perfectly smart enough but I don’t have a lot that matches their high standards!

Firstly, do not apologize for owning a pair of New Rocks! In the Lady of the Manners’ experience, New Rocks are quite nice footwear, and are certainly more interesting than the majority of options that are available for gentlemen of more eccentric and shadow-clad tastes. Now, as to how you might add a bit of Goth to your office wear? The Lady of the Manners strongly believes in the theory of “when in doubt, go more formal”. Wear a tie with a striking pattern, perhaps? The Lady of the Manners doesn’t mean ones with a holiday motif or other such somewhat twee nonsense, but ties with interesting designs silkscreened onto them, such as the ones made by Cyberoptix TieLab. Nicely-fitted waistcoats and suit jackets in somber hues would also help you Goth-ify your daily work wardrobe. And don’t feel you have to bankrupt yourself to find such things! Be sure to check your local thrift stores and consignment shops; yes, you’ll have to spend a bit of time searching, but you may be rewarded with items that will help you add a dark and unique touch to your clothing.

—

Thomas St. Cloud, another gentleman seeking wardrobe advice, writes:

Affable Madam
 

Having perused some of your brilliant advice to others, I was wondering if you might relinquish a bit of your fashion know-how? I’m 28 years old, male, a long time ensconce-ee of the subculture and mired with an “unfixable” but I’m sure (somehow) solvable problem… Like many others, in my misguided youth I chased after social ideals. For me, in my particular cultural paradigm this ideal was the waif thin look of the gothic stereotype. It took just one trip to the hospital for me to give up on that particular fantasy and from then on I’ve been particular about my health and physical condition. The adverse effect to all this health conscious hootenanny (isn’t that a fun word?) is that the healthier I became, the more muscular I became. Ever further from those old ideals my visage painfully did depart. (boo-hoo) I’m at ease with this now, and consequently quite at ease with myself and my body image. However to the problem in question…

I’ve spent many years in the lap of Alt/Metal fashion simply because it was the look inside of gothic culture that best suited my body type. However, recently I’ve been longing for the old days of frock coats and pointy toes. And I thought to inquire of you how I might adorn myself in something a bit more eloquent without looking like Disney’s “Gaston”.

Dear Thomas, congratulations on becoming particular about your health and physical condition! Health conscious hootenanny (and yes, a fabulous word) is, while at times vexing, very important, and the Lady of the Manners is very glad to hear that you’ve become at ease with yourself and your body image.

As to your longing to return to a more eloquent Goth style without looking like “Gaston” (and oh! What an image did that conjure up in the Lady of the Manners’ head!) … yes, dear Thomas, it most certainly can be done. It will just require a bit more effort than the Alt/Metal fashions did. Why? Because you will need to become quite discerning about the fit and tailoring of your clothing. By all means, indulge yourself in frock coats and pointy toes! Just make sure that those frock coats fit you properly; that they aren’t straining across your chest and shoulders, and that they fit at your waist, not loosely hang like a crumpled paper bag. You will probably want to avoid the more extravagantly be-ruffled poets’ shirts and cravats that are bigger than your head, but a modestly ruffled collar or a sleek ascot would be quite dashing. Also, do not fall into the trap of baggy trousers, especially the ones that are clattering and clanking with chains and D-rings. (The Lady of the Manners is sure you know of the style she is referring to.) Again, a well-tailored look is what you probably wish to aspire to.  

One last bit of advice: the effect of elegant and eloquent Goth attire, no matter how painstakingly assembled, will be undermined by … oh, how can the Lady of the Manners put this? By less-than-attentive grooming. If you favor facial hair, make sure it is neatly trimmed and brushed. If you dabble in cosmetics, be sure to apply them with a steady hand and blend, blend, blend. Keep your wardrobe free of stains, and if you have pets, keep a stock of lint brushes on hand.

—
A younger Snarkling who wished to remain anonymous has the following dilemma, part of which concerns fashion:

 Please forgive me if this subject has been previously visited, but it has nagged at my mind for a while now.  You see, I have, for quite a long time, greatly admired the Gothic subculture, but was always too self-conscious to take action.  I am especially fond of the Victorian era-based clothing.  The problem is this: I am, of present, only thirteen years of age, and only in Grade 7.  My friends already consider me to be bizarre, and I worry that they may completely stop hanging around with me. The second worry is that there is already one  “Goth kid” (for lack of a better description) at my school, and I do not think she likes me very much.  I am hesitant to continue exploring the Gothic subculture, as I do not wish for her to think that I am copying her style. What should I do?  Sincerely,      

Anonymous

(P.S. Any advice on how I could create a Victorian-based wardrobe without breaching Junior High dress-code guidelines would also be greatly appreciated) 

Dear Anonymous Snarkling, do not let the suspicion that the other “Goth kid” at your school does not like you very much stop you from exploring the Gothic subculture! If she thinks you are copying her style, oh well. Of course, you should do what you can to make it clear that you aren’t copying her; don’t start dressing like her or mimicking her hairstyle and makeup, but develop your own interpretations and variations of Gothic style.  

As to the concern that your friends will stop hanging around with you if you decide to become more involved with the Gothic subculture; oh dear. The Lady of the Manners is going to now deliver to you one of the more shopworn pieces of wisdom from Grown-Ups to Younger People: If they’re really your friends, they’ll stick with you.

Now with that said, the Lady of the Manners has some caveats to add. Junior High (and High School) are difficult for many reasons, but one of them is that many teens fall prey to a sort of pack mentality. If another member of their community (even if that community is only by virtue of being at school together) strays from what is considered the “normal” template, the rest of the pack reacts, and frequently reacts very poorly. By deciding that you want to explore the Gothic subculture, you are possibly setting yourself up for being labled “bizarre”, other insults, or worse. Does that mean you should turn your back on your Gothy interests? No, not at all.  But the Lady of the Manners wants to make sure that you’re forewarned, and wants to make very sure that you understand that the reactions you may get are not necessarily about you as a person, but about what Goth symbolizes to people who don’t know any better. 

As to creating a Victorian-based wardrobe without breaching Junior High dress-codes? Hmmm. The Lady of the Manners must admit that she is not familiar with current school dress-codes, but is willing to bet that if you stick to the more formal and/or modest Victorian-influenced looks, you should be able to get away with them. Fitted black jackets or blazers worn with frilly blouses should be acceptable by most schools’ dress codes, along with full skirts (knee-length or longer) worn with tights. If your school’s dress-code allows for patterned tights or socks, by all means indulge yourself in stripy tights.

(Oh dear, the Lady of the Manners just realized that she assumed Anonymous is a young lady, hence the recommending of frilly blouses and skirts. But never fear, male Snarklings! Just substitute “nice dress shirt and perhaps a tie” for “frilly blouse” and “well-fitting black trousers” for “full skirts”.) 

As to where to find all of these things? Yes, the Lady of the Manners is repeating herself, but thrift stores are always good places to search out these sorts of wardrobe items. An even better path would be to teach yourself to sew, but that can become more than a bit time-consuming. But even learning the basics of sewing and mending will allow you to customize your thrift store finds and make subtle changes to the fit of them. 

—

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to take a break from writing (and from reading mail from Snarklings), and go finish the alterations to a jacket she purchased on one of her own recent thrift store expeditions. Of course, the Lady of the Manners takes frequent breaks from her sewing projects to click the shiny “New Messages” button, so by all means, please write!

 

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Of Self Harm (There’s More To This Lesson Than “Please Don’t”)

Posted on April, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners has to ask: what on earth have you creatures been doing to yourselves? The Lady of the Manners has gotten an absolute slew of letters recently from Snarklings worried about their friends. Even worse has been the flurry of letters from Snarklings who are worried about themselves. The common point of worry? Cutting.

Now, the Lady of the Manners wants to make it quite clear to all of you that she is not about to turn Gothic Charm School into a syrupy after-school special.

However.

The Lady of the Manners also wants to make it quite clear that self harm is not good. No matter what sort of stress you or people close to you may be suffering, hurting yourself is not going to improve the situation. Oh, the Lady of the Manners understands the train of thought that can lead to cutting or other self-damaging habits. When one is extremely upset or near panic from stress, the idea of inflicting a small amount of damage that one can control as a release is terribly seductive. But the idea is a trap, because that small, controlled amount of self-harm can lead to larger problems: the need to keep secrets from people you are close to, for fear that they won’t understand; the shame, because maybe you feel that you should be able to cope with everything, and that cutting yourself is just one more failure on your part; the fear that if people knew you did this sort of thing, they wouldn’t understand why, and perhaps think that you’re just doing it as a manipulative ploy for attention. Or they’ll think that you are in life-threatening danger and in need of constant supervision.

So what if you are hurting yourself? What should you do? That’s what one reader asked the Lady of the Manners:


Dear Lady of the Manners,

I uhh…I cut myself. I realize that some people do it as self punishment and others are just asking for help, but thats not why I do it. I’m not quite sure why I do it either, which is a bit confusing. I wanted to know If you had advice to help me stop this habit.
Thanks, Bella.

There’s no one good way to stop this sort of habit. Saying “Just don’t do it”, while to the point, isn’t at all helpful. One time-honored way to remember to do, or not to do, something is to wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you feel the need to cut yourself, snap the rubber band against your skin instead. The only problem the Lady of the Manners sees with this is then how do you stop snapping yourself with rubber bands? For that, you need to figure out what is driving you to cutting yourself. Is it because you’re looking for a way to control what is going on in your life? You need to spend some time thinking about what you’ve been going through, and see if you can pinpoint what made you think “Oh, cutting myself sounds like the thing to do”. The Lady of the Manners isn’t being flippant about this; if you can determine what made you decide to start doing this, then finding a way to stop doing it will be easier.

Don’t feel that you have to wrestle with this on your own, either. Find someone you trust that you can talk to; a parent, a relative, a teacher, or a friend. Be aware that no matter how calmly you present this information to them, there is going to be a certain amount of freaking out on their side. No one wants to hear that someone they know is hurting themselves. But you must talk to someone about this, because if whatever is going on in your life is enough to make you decide to take up cutting, then it’s probably something you need an outside perspective on. Try to remember that whoever you talk to about this is probably going to seem at least a little bit angry; while yes, some of that anger will indeed be directed at you for doing this to yourself, a large part of that anger will be aimed at themselves for not realizing that things had gotten to that point with you. Your friends, relatives, and teachers want you to be happy; finding out that someone you care about isn’t happy and that you didn’t realize it can be a huge blow.

—

And what if you’re the person that someone turns to when they’re hurting themselves?


Dear Lady of the Manners,

I’m going to be short and to the point in addressing my problem because it is a problem that needs an urgent solution: two of my friends are cutting themselves. They said that it helps them to take their mind off of problems as well as cut down on emotional stress on an online-journal, and while it could be just a call for attention, I believe that they’re being honest because the both of them are under a lot of stress right now. One of them….well, his parents are getting divorced…and the other…not to be rude to her, but she is highly over-dramatic and tends to make up problems where there aren’t any…due to misinterpretation of people and their intents. I haven’t talked to them yet, mainly because I’m afraid that I’ll start screaming at them..like…”HOW COULD YOU BE CUTTING YOURSELVES, GRAAAAAAAAWRL.” I’m pretty sure that will do more harm than good and that is why I really need your help in figuring out how to address them on this highly sensitive matter without them feeling cornered.

Sincerely,

Black Rose

You’re absolutely right, screaming at them won’t help matters and would quite probably make them feel defensive. (However, the Lady of the Manners completely understands your impulse to shake them and scream “HOW COULD YOU BE CUTTING YOURSELVES”, because that was her first reaction.) If someone is cutting themself, they’re already in a somewhat fragile state. Yelling at them, getting angry at them, or making them feel ashamed isn’t going to help matters one bit.

The first thing you need to determine is if you can talk to them about this together, or is this something you should approach one-on-one with each of them? Once you know that, then sit one or both of them down and try saying something along these lines:

“Look, I know you’re under a lot of stress, and you’re trying to find ways to release it. But hurting yourself, no matter how small it may be, is NOT the answer. It’s just going to make things worse, because the cutting will end up being something you’ll feel you have to hide from other people, and then you’ll be stressed about that, too. Vicious circles aren’t good for stress.”

Ask them why they’re cutting themselves. Be warned, they may not really be sure why they’re doing it, just that it seemed to be the only way to feel things in a manner that they could control. But talk to them about it, and see if you can find some answers together. If your friends keep cutting themselves, or say that they don’t want to stop, be brutally honest with them. Tell them that you don’t believe this is a good solution to their problems, and if you think that they’re going to keep doing this, you’re going to have to let someone in authority know. (Make sure you know a good authority figure to go to, be it a parent, teacher, or older friend.) And then follow through on that statement. It’s very good of you to want to help your friends, but sometimes you can’t help your friends without extra help for yourself.

As to other things they can do to try and relieve the stress they’re under? Hmm. Listening to (and dancing/thrashing around to) favorite songs? Methodically tearing pieces of paper into shreds? Playing video games where you get to blow things up? One of the Lady of the Manners’ friends is fond of going to thrift stores, purchasing very cheap ceramics, and then smashing them to bits. (Lay down a plastic tarp and use a baseball bat or croquet mallet for the smashing. The Lady of the Manners has tried this, and it is a very satisfying way to vent stress, worry, and anger.)

As the Lady of the Manners said earlier, she does understand why someone would think that cutting or hurting themselves would make them feel better. But it’s never the answer, and she hopes that her writing about this will be helpful in some way to any Snarkling who is struggling with this sort of behavior.

—

Well. Perhaps the next lesson here at Gothic Charm School will be something a bit less upsetting . Something simpler and less fraught, like club etiquette or fashion advice, maybe. As always, please write to Gothic Charm School with your questions and comments.

Posted in General, Growing Pains | Leave a comment

Of Reactions to Goths, and How the Goths Should Respond

Posted on March, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Oh Snarklings, this time around the Lady of the Manners is answering two different letters about people’s reactions to Goths, and how Goths should react to them. One letter concerns Goths in public places and the town’s reaction to them; the second letter features a more personal plight, with someone questioning their commitment to the Gothic subculture after some annoying comments directed at them.

Goths banned from the town square in Glasgow? A reader called Aristocat wrote in to ask the Lady of the Manners her opinion:

Dear Lady,
I am an avid reader of your etiquette lessons, and enjoy them very much.  While I find all your lessons to be extremely useful, apparently it isn’t enough in our council’s eyes…

http://scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com/latestnews?articleid=3588556

This happened a few months ago now…In case the link doesn’t work, the short version is this: the council has decided that goths are anti-social, and a blight on the fabric of the square, and has moved them from their customary seating area, even going to the lengths of cordoning off the seating area and stationing security guards round it.  I wondered if you had any thoughts upon what to do and how to react to this?

Well, the Lady of the Manners’ first suggestion is that the Goths in that town go to the open meetings of the council and present their side of the story. Make sure the most even-tempered and responsible of the local Goth community be the ones to actually speak to any officials. Ask the council for any documented proof that the Goths were responsible for any disruptions, for any proof of those allegations of drinking, drugs, and inappropriate behavior. Also ask the council if they have any documented complaints from shopkeepers. As a final question, ask if the council intends to ban any other social groups from town square if they seem to be disruptive. Remember, as a taxpayer to your town council, you have the right to free congress in public, council-maintained areas unless you are violating laws or guidelines, and that you are entitled to be heard fairly. (The Lady of the Manners would like to give a heartfelt “Thank You!” to her UK-dwelling friend who gave her advice about UK town councils.) 

Another suggestion is for the Goths in the area to continue to  peaceably congregate in the square outside of the cordoned-off area. The Lady of the Manners would like to stress peaceably; everyone on their best behavior, and very clearly not in the area that the council has deemed Off Limits, but right by that area. If the Goths that used to congregate in the square are school-age, make VERY sure to do this during free time, not when you should be in classes. 

The Lady of the Manners is dismayed to hear that the town council thinks that the Goths are causing a disruption, and echos the sentiments of one of the young ladies quoted in the linked newspaper article in that there surely must be more important issues that the city council should be addressing than a group of eccentrically-dressed youngsters gathering in a public place. Please keep the Lady of the Manners updated on what happens with this.

—

The second letter is from a young creature named Wolfbane, who seems to be suffering from a crisis of confidence or faith in their dedication to the Gothic subculture:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

I have, for the past two years, been dedicated to the Gothic subculture. However, I am beginning to doubt myself. The other day at school, two ‘preppy’ kids were walking behind me, and were criticizing my choice of clothes. Normally, I would ignore them (and criticize THEM in my mind), but this time it really bothered me, and now I’m beginning to question my goth-iness. I would really appreciate your much needed advice!

Goodness, Snarkling, what made you question your gothiness? Could it just have been that you were having a somewhat low day to begin with, and having to put up with criticism from others made it worse? The Lady of the Manners is having a hard time understanding why this time such comments bothered you so. Were their comments more clueless and unkind than usual? (For you did say that normally you would ignore them, which leads the Lady of the Manners to believe that you’ve suffered this sort of nonsense before.)

The Lady of the Manners isn’t going to tell you that the annoying comments and criticism will eventually stop. The Lady of the Manners still has to put up with such things herself, and it’s still just as irritating. But the Lady of the Manners is quite certain of who she wants to be and what is important to herself, which makes ignoring those sorts of exasperating comments easier.  

Everyone has low days, days where they question themselves and what they are doing. Days that are full of morose introspection and worries that perhaps not only have they made the wrong choices, but that everyone else is laughing at them and is right in doing so. The important thing to remember is that those days pass. Really, they do. If those sorts of days don’t pass, then you should go talk to someone you can trust, be it a friend, a relative, a teacher, or a co-worker. You shouldn’t spend your life constantly second-guessing yourself. The little annoyances life throws our way are much easier to bear if one has a strong sense of self.

The Lady of the Manners has to ask, though: are there other things that have made you question your “dedication to the Gothic subculture”? Bouts of introspection and questioning the things you’ve held dear don’t necessarily mean you want to give those things up; they may just mean you are feeling boxed in by your own self-definitions. Sometimes the way we define or label ourselves makes us think we can’t (or shouldn’t) do things because they don’t fit some pre-conceived checklist we have in our heads for that definition or label. That if we do explore interests outside of how we’ve classified ourselves, we have to give up all claims of belonging to that group or class. Which is utter twaddle, and goes right back to needing to develop a strong sense of self. While the Lady of the Manners believes that thinking of yourself as a Goth (or a geek, or a gamer, or a cosplayer, or a sports fan, or a knitter, or … well, you get the idea) can be a fun and terribly handy shorthand, you should never, EVER allow yourself to feel trapped by those self-imposed definitions.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to wander off and flutter her hands excitedly at the outfit that the wonderful Kambriel designed for her to wear to the Vampire Ball on March 29th. If you’re attending the event and see a lady in a black and ivory striped gown (with pink details, of course!), please introduce yourselves!

Does the Lady of the Manners need to give you all the correspondence link? So you can write in with any questions, comments, or interesting gothy links? Oh, let’s not mess with tradition: click here to write to Gothic Charm School!

Posted in Being Mannerly, Being Social, General, Growing Pains | Leave a comment

Of Gothic Lolita Fashion and Lifestyle

Posted on March, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

The Lady of the Manners didn’t mean to misplace all of February, truly she didn’t. The Lady of the Manners was just so engrossed in reading all of your letters, Snarklings, that she was, er, too distracted to reply to them. The Lady of the Manners has resolved to start March out properly, so on to answering questions!

Dear Lady of Manners, I’m writing because I have a question that arose out of curiosity. I’m not quite sure if you’re aware of the Lolita style of clothing. If not, please allow me to educate you: Lolita is both a lifestyle and fashion statement. It’s about being ladylike and refined, and dressing modestly and sweetly, with ribbons and lace and bows.

That said, there is a very popular branch of the Lolita fashion called (you guessed it!) Gothic Lolita. I was wondering, what are your thoughts on this fashion? Would I earn the title of being Gothic if I dressed myself in eighteenth-century miniature top hats and skirts adorned with bows and lace?

My concern: Is Lolita fashion too childish to be Gothic?

In case you would like some references to the Gothic Lolita style, I’ve found some useful links to good examples of this style:

Example 1

Example 2

I appreciate your time and thoughts on this matter.

Sincerely, 
Confused Little Lolita

Oh yes, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is well-aware of the Lolita style of clothing and lifestyle. How could she not be aware of a movement that encourages frilly dresses AND tea parties? In fact, the Lady of the Manners recently had to re-organize some shelves in order to make more room for her ever-expanding collection of Gothic Lolita Bibles.

The Lady of the Manners is aware that many people have all sorts of misconceptions about the Lolita style. Two that the Lady of the Manners has heard time and time again are that the style is about presenting a semi-sexualized image of a doll-like little girl (hence the name “Lolita”), and that the way to make an item of clothing “Lolita” is to add as much lace to it as possible and wear it with knee socks. As the Lady of the Manners said, misconceptions.

Yes, the Lolita style is very little-girl and doll-like, but (as far as the Lady of the Manners has ever been able to tell) has nothing in common with Nabokov’s novel Lolita other than the name. Lolita style is, as Confused Little Lolita pointed out, about being refined, ladylike, and elegant. Which leads to the misconception that Lolita = more lace and knee-socks. The stereotypical Lolita outfit is something so covered in frills that the wearer looks as if they were caught in an explosion at a fabric store, but all that lace doesn’t mean it is necessarily a good Lolita  outfit.  For instance, taking a square dance dress and covering it with rows and rows of ruffles would get the wearer pitying looks from other Lolitas.  

Is Lolita fashion too childish to be Gothic? Not always. Much of the Gothic Lolita style seems to be a twist on the Goth fashion standby of Victorian-influenced looks, a funeral party held Through the Looking Glass. After all, a black ruffled skirt and a lace-trimmed blouse are the building blocks for many a Goth lady’s wardrobe. But the bonnets, the giant hair bows, the headdresses that look like they were appropriated from a parlour maid? In the Lady of the Manners’ eyes, those cross the line between “darkly eccentric” and a costume or “mutton dressed as lamb”. (That doesn’t stop the Lady of the Manners from occasionally eyeing those giant hair bows and headdresses with a speculative glint in her eye, but the Lady of the Manners eventually comes to her senses.) But, as with many things, it does depend on the age of the person and how they present themselves. A younger gothling or babybat would look charming and absolutely appropriate in some of the more doll-like Gothic Lolita clothes.

—

A young lady by the name of Ananda wrote to the Lady of the Manners with a different sort of question about Gothic Lolita fashion:

Dear Lady of the Manners, I have written to you concerning a question that has been tugging at my mind for such a long time. Can one dress Gothic Lolita and still be considered a true-blue goth?

My friends have told me that it can’t, and I have also read on various places saying that it isn’t gothic, but just a fashion in Japan.

Yes, Ananda, you can dress in Gothic Lolita clothing and still be a true-blue Goth. Mind you, if you’re dabbling more in the Sweet Lolita styles and have been flouncing around in outfits of entirely baby blue or pale pink, the Lady of the Manners can understand your friends’ confusion. But as often as the Lady of the Manners has longingly (and somewhat jokingly) commented about wanting to enforce a Goth dress code, clothes are not the be-all and end-all of determining someone’s gothness.

(Let’s take a moment and wait for several of the Lady of the Manners’ friends to stop reeling in shock at that statement, shall we?)

Some of the gothiest people the Lady of the Manners knows are “true-blue” Goths whether they’re dressed in elaborate black velvet dresses or in yoga pants and a tank top. Yes, a wardrobe of elaborate and sumptuous finery does proclaim one’s gothy-goth status, but unless that outer representation is backed up with an appreciation and understanding of the Goth mindset and asethetic, then that finery is merely the costume of someone playing dress-up.  

Is Gothic Lolita “gothic”? It certainly is a Gothic fashion style.  But there doesn’t seem to be a Gothic Lolita lifestyle in the same way that there is a Lolita lifestyle as mentioned above. In all the assorted G+L Bibles and magazines that the Lady of the Manners has seen, the Gothic Lolita lifestyle seems to be the same as the Lolita one, just with a darker palette of colors.

As to your friends telling you that you can’t be a Real Goth if you dress Gothic Lolita – pish and tosh, Ananda. There is no interest, activity, or fashion style that automatically ejects someone from gothdom. Trying to only have interests that fit the label Goth would be terribly restrictive, not to mention a bit silly. Labels (as the Lady of the Manners has said before) are useful in that they can quickly deliver a wide range of information. But labels can also be confining, or even insulting if thrown about maliciously, or if the person using the label thinks it means something it doesn’t. While the Lady of the Manners understands that it is worrying when your friends start telling you that you aren’t what you think you are, perhaps you should ask them why they feel that way. And instead of wondering and fretting that you don’t perfectly match a particular label, spend that time and energy just being yourself.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to go back to reading and answering more letters from all of you. You know what that means, you clever creatures? Why yes, the usual exhortation to write to Gothic Charm School!

 

Posted in Being Fashionable, General | Leave a comment

Of Goths Suffering Harassment, of Vampires, and of Skull Accessories

Posted on January, 2008 by Lady of the Manners

Oh dear, Goths are in the news again. A Goth couple in England was banned from the bus because the driver objected to their appearance, which included the young lady being led on a leash by her fiancee. Several of you Snarklings sent the link to the the Lady of the Manners with letters much like the following one, sent by Mordicus:

Dearest Lady of the Manners,

Earlier a friend brought the following news article to my attention; “Goth who walks fiancee on a leash is banned by bus driver who told him; ‘No dogs allowed'” (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=509713&in_page_id=1770)

Now given the responses of some of the people on the Daily Mail’s site it would seem that not everyone thinks that what the bus driver did was wrong. Personally I disagree.

Now my question is firstly what do you make of this highly unusual case, and secondly what would be your advice to goths facing harassment this extreme.

Thank you for your wonderful column

Mordicus

At first, when the Lady of the Manners had only read the headline of “‘I’m a human pet’: The Goth teenager who’s fiancee walks her around on a dog lead”, the Lady of the Manners thought it was going to be a case of some not-very self-aware Goths being upset that they had perhaps garnered more attention than they had realized they would get. But then the Lady of the Manners read through the article, and discovered that wasn’t the case at all. That the Goth couple were NOT complaining because people were looking at them strangely, but that they had been insulted and assaulted. (Yes, Snarklings. Grabbing people by their clothes and slamming them backwards is assault, and should not be ignored or brushed off.) The young lady herself stated “It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”

In the Lady of the Manners’ opinion, the bus driver’s actions were very wrong, and he should face the same sort of consequences he would if he had behaved in a similar manner toward more “conventional” passengers . As several commentators on the original news article stated, the bus driver probably wouldn’t have batted an eye if drunk and rowdy passengers had boarded his vehicle; Dani and Tasha deserved to be treated with the same sort of civility as anyone else.

As to the second part of Mordicus’ question, the Lady of the Manners’ advice to Goths facing harassment that extreme is this: do everything you can to remove yourself from the situation (especially if it could turn dangerous!), and then bring the matter up with the appropriate authorities. Speak to the manager. File a police report. And please, the Lady of the Manners begs of you, do not respond to the insults and abuse with violence of your own. Yes, it’s a perfectly understandable instinct, but it would only make it that much easier for people to try and apply all the negative Goth stereotypes to you. Of course, the Lady of the Manners wants you all to be safe, so if it’s a case of defending yourself, do what you need to in order to protect yourself. What it all boils down to is stand up for yourself. Do not just sigh and resign yourself to suffering abuse, and be sure to follow up on your initial report or complaint.

As an aside, the Lady of the Manners would like to point out that it seems to her that this young couple were not being discriminated against because they were Goth, but because of the gentleman leading the lady around on a leash. The Lady of the Manners suspects that if the young couple were dressed conventionally but still using the leash, they would have suffered a similar level of harassment. Leading one’s partner around on a leash is not really a part of the Goth subculture, but part of the BDSM and Dominant/submissive cultures. While there is some cross-over between Goth and the fetish communities, they are different communities. (The Lady of the Manners talks about subcultural cross-overs here.) Either way, the harassment was absolutely uncalled for, and the Lady of the Manners hopes that such incidents will become more and more rare.

—

Now, the Lady of the Manners has been promising to share with you Snarklings a letter she had received from a vampire. The Lady of the Manners has not forgotten her promise! Dove Grey wrote to Gothic Charm School:

Dear Madam:

I read with interest your article about dealing with vampires.

Vampires do exist, however, we don’t go around advertising the fact. Even when we look much different from normal humans we do our best to hide it.

I wish you would discourage young people from playing at being vampires. It’s dangerous for them to start hacking at one another with razor blades and plastic teeth.

Real vampires are reclusive, careful people. We don’t offer to change kids into vampires. We aren’t searching the world for someone to sink our teeth into. We don’t live forever. We don’t have super powers, good looks, arcane knowledge, or great social lives.

Tell young people to become football players, dancers, actors, healthy and law abiding adults. Vampirism is nothing anyone WANTS. It’s an illness by another name.

Dove

The Lady of the Manners does agree that it is dangerous for people to “start hacking at one another with razor blades and plastic teeth”, vampires or not. While the Lady of the Manners is fairly certain that Dove does not speak for people who are members of the vampyre subculture, or even for everyone who would consider themselves a vampire, the Lady of the Manners is grateful that Dove wanted to share a bit of their experience. Thank you for writing, Dove!

—

And finally, the Lady of the Manners will hold forth er, talk about the growing popularity and mainstream-ing of a very potent symbol of darkness. A reader named Allena, who had remembered the Lady of the Manners offhandedly mentioning the topic, wrote in with some questions about it:

Dear Lady of the Manners,
Just a little curious about a subject you mentioned in conclusion about a month ago. What are your thoughts on the suddenly popular skulls/ Jolly Rogers that seem to decorate everyone now? I happen to wear them quite a bit myself and I have for quite a while. I know a little about the history of the symbol, but nowadays they are not associated with anything in particular, so I feel they work well to symbolize my tastes.
I am okay with them being very cliche and mainstream now since I know it will calm down sooner or later (and it gives me more options when shopping!). However, I got a strange comment from a college professor who I admire I great deal. She asked me about them, and why I wear them so often. “They seem very… oppressive,” she said.
I don’t know if I was more surprised or amused my her comment, since I don’t feel that way at all, as I’m sure you can understand.
Anyway , you mentioned a bit ago that you might write about the whole skull popularity. I would greatly appreciate this, since I hope you could shed a little light on the subject for her (and I, of course, love your opinions!!).
Thank you for taking time to read my letter, and thank you for your lovely thoughts every month!
Allena

The Lady of the Manners is, for the most part, amused by the proliferation of skull-y merchandise. The Lady of the Manners thinks that combining a symbol that has long stood for danger and death with a candy-coating of pink glitter is wryly charming. But the Lady of the Manners can’t help but wonder if the countless throngs who are also buying these cutesy memento mori have really thought about what their new accessories might be saying. Other than they’re oh-so tough, in a pink girly way.

On the one hand, the Lady of the Manners would like to think that the ever-growing crop of cute skull merchandise is an offshoot of the acceptance of Goth and other alternative subcultures by mainstream society. Trust the Lady of the Manners on this, Snarklings. The way mainstream society shows its acceptance is through readily available consumer goods targeted at one’s particular subculture. The Lady of the Manners tries not to (frequently) indulge in the oft-mocked “In my day, we had to burn sticks to make eyeliner! We had to make our own fishnet shirts! Kids today …” ElderGoth ranting, but there is a grain of truth to it. The Lady of the Manners would have been delighted if, as a big-haired and spooky teen, she had been able to trundle down to the local shopping mall to pick up a sparkly skull necklace, let alone stroll into a major department store and buy an entire skull-themed wardrobe.

But, just like always, this widespread availability of a symbol that was once more closely associated with the Goth subculture makes the Lady of the Manners pause. How much power can a symbol retain if it is so, if you’ll pardon the phrase, defanged that it is turning up in teen accessory stores across the land?

The Lady of the Manners does NOT believe that a person must provide proof of their subcultural “cred” before being allowed to own skull-festooned goodies, not at all. But the Lady of the Manners does admit to occasionally having to quash an impulse to ask complete strangers what drew them to the skull necklace/shirt/rainboots that they’re wearing. Was it because they are interested in the symbolic meaning of the skull (or skull and crossbones)? Was it because they thought it was “edgy” and “fashion-forward”? (Buzzwords that the Lady of the Manners despises.) Or was it simply because they are big fans of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

If most Goths are honest with themselves, there is something faintly ridiculous and theatrical in adorning oneself with memento mori. Yes, be mindful of the transient nature of existence, accept that death does indeed come for us all. But try to keep it in perspective, and don’t shun all traces of humor and happiness because of those ideas.

As to why the Lady of the Manners personally collects skull accessories, and preferably pink and sparkly ones? Oh, that’s simple, Snarklings. The Lady of the Manners prefers her spooky darkness to be laced with humor and whimsy, and the Lady of the Manners finds the notion of a delicate and ladylike cameo featuring a pink skull and crossbones very amusing.

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to go window-shop on eBay and Etsy for more sparkly skulls. (If only someone would make cameos with bats!) What is the Lady of the Manners going to write about next time? Oh, that depends on what sort of letters you send in!

Posted in Being Fashionable, Being Mannerly, General | Leave a comment

Of Gently Refusing Gifts, and of Reality TV

Posted on December, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

Oh goodness, Snarklings. The Lady of the Manners knew exactly what she was going to write about; a letter from someone in the vampire subculture, and the long-threatened holding-forth about the sparkly skull accessory trend. But then things got busy (as they do), and then one of you wrote in with a question about a delicate situation concerning holiday gifts. The Lady of the Manners realized she absolutely needed to try and help, which brings us to this:

question: Dear Lady,

This is question regarding Christmas gift giving, but I am afraid, possibly not a nice one, and I must apologise upfront about any dampening of the Christmas spirit.

You see, due to various circumstances I have decided that I would like nothing further to do with my family and have happily lived without contact for two years.

However, this year I have received a number of cards from them saying they would really like to see me, and to keep in touch. One in particular enclosed a cheque for a substantial amount of money.

Dearest Lady, I strongly feel that I cannot accept this, and I wondered if you had any possible suggestions on how I could let them know this, to ensure that this does not happen again in future.

My first instincts on this matter are to write a pleasant Christmas letter back to them, enclosing the cheque and explaining why I cannot accept it.

But my fear, is that they will continue to respond to me, because of the contact I have made in the first place.

I wondered if you had any ideas on how I could communicate to them a message of goodwill and good luck, but to also make it quite clear that I did not wish any further contact but also without meaning them ill.

Just to clarify, I have not hidden my whereabouts from them, although I have not directly told them where I live. I feel I have no need to run and hide, and that I am entitled to an open life just like any other person.

I would be eternally grateful for any of your thoughts on this matter.

Teleute

The Lady of the Manners agrees with you that you should not accept the cheque, and that returning it to them is the best option. As to how to “communicate to them a message of good will and good luck” without encouraging more contact from them? That’s the tricky bit. The Lady of the Manners fears that no matter how clearly you express your wishes to be left alone, your family will disregard them.

The simplest, if harshest, way to get your message across is to simply return the cheque to the relative that sent it, without including any sort of letter or note. Cold and abrupt, yes, but very clear in expressing the idea that you want to have no contact with them.

If you don’t want to be that guarded, then returning the cheque with a brief note really is your best option. Explain that you do not feel comfortable accepting any sort of presents from them, and that while you wish them the best of luck, you have decided that you are much happier on your own and do not wish for any further contact from them.

Now, the Lady of the Manners knows that you are aware that your family will probably ignore your request for them to leave you alone, and will continue to try and stay in touch. This is the point where you need to exert all your willpower and do not respond to any of those attempts. Do not reply to any cards or letters, return them to the sender unopened; if they call you, say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I have nothing to say to you. Goodbye”, and hang up the phone. Yes, hanging up on people is something the Lady of the Manners generally frowns upon, but in this instance, there really isn’t another way to get your message across.

The Lady of the Manners hopes that you are able to continue with your happy life, and that your assorted relatives are perceptive enough not to try and push the issue with you.

—

The other thing that was recently brought to the Lady of the Manners’ attention is the fact that there’s apparently a gothy couple on The Amazing Race. (The Lady of the Manners had to have The Amazing Race explained to her. The Lady of the Manners watches TV by viewing complete seasons of shows on DVD, and so is somewhat behind on current pop culture and reality shows.) One reader (who asked not to be named) queried:

I don’t know if you watch reality television, but I have some questions about the self-styled “Gothic” team Kynt and Vyxsin from The Amazing Race. (http://alpha.cbs.com/primetime/amazing_race12/bio/kynt_vyxsin.shtml) I get that they wear weird makeup and fishnet T-shirts, but they seem to be way too happy (not to mention wearing way too much pink) to really be Goths. Surely no self-respecting Goth would be this interested about running around in the scorching heat in Africa, grinning from ear-to-ear with hot pink hair!¬”  Can you settle once and for all on whether these two are the biggest posers since Gumby, or is hot pink as Goth as Hot Topic?

Oh dear oh dear. People aren’t really still clinging to the false notions that Goths can never be cheerful, or never wear pink? Good heavens, the Lady of the Manners thought those cliches were put to rest ages ago! Yes, Goths can, and frequently are, very happy and cheerful. Goth is about appreciating the off-kilter, the darkly humorous, the (as the sainted Lydia from Beetlejuice said) “strange and unusual”. Goth is not about maintaining a seamless facade of woe and gloom, and never has been. Goth is more about embracing a dark and decadent aesthetic while simultaneously being able to laugh at oneself for sitting around wearing black velvet and reading Dracula by candlelight.

As to the “wearing way too much pink” comment: hot pink has been a wonderful accent color for black Gothwear since the early days of Deathrock and Batcave. (The Lady of the Manners personally prefers cupcake pink, but to each their own.) Goth fashion, while predominately black-hued, frequently dabbles in other colors. The Lady of the Manners thinks that the hot pink and black color scheme that Kynt and Vyxsin have adopted is striking, and also makes them slightly more approachable than an all-black wardrobe would. Which is a very clever move on their part, since they will need every advantage they can get to go forth and win this race thing.

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to go window shop for some sparkly pink skull accessories, and then try to decipher her handwritten notes about what the Lady of the Manners wanted to say about the sparkly skull accessory trend. The Lady of the Manners is also going to try and post another lesson sooner rather than later. Which, of course, means you should write in with your questions!

Posted in Being Mannerly, Holidays & Special Occasions | Leave a comment

Of Treating People Civilly, of Labels, and of White Foundation

Posted on November, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

Oh Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners didn’t mean to take such a long break. Alas, these things do happen. But the Lady of the Manners is not going to dwell upon that, and instead dive right into answering two different letters from readers. One letter with two separate questions, even!

The first letter, from a Miss Lolita, is about labeling oneself, and whether or not one should be polite to people who’ve done nothing to deserve such treatment:

Dear Lady of the Manners,I’ve had a question tugging at the corners of my mind for quite some time now. Actually two questions. The first question is: how do I answer when people ask me if I am a Goth? (A question that pops up nearly every day.)
I do dress in all black, but I’d hardly consider that a reason to refer to someone as a Goth. (If we go by those standards, nuns, priests, and business people would have some explaining to do.) I love most things associated with the subculture, and would probably dress in corsets and lacy skirts if I could afford it. But that’s not how it is at the moment. When I was younger and just discovering the world of buckle-boots and black eyeliner I started calling myself a Goth. I tried my best with the few resources I had to look like the lovely ladies I saw on Gothic clothing sites. It earned me ridicule and accusations of being a ‘poser’. So I strayed away from that label and went in search of something else. I’ve yet to find any other word, or group, or style that really suits me. I just don’t fit under any label. So how can I answer the question of “What are you?”

My other question has to do with being mannerly. Is it right to treat someone with manners, and respect, when they’ve done nothing but ridicule you? Should these people be treated civilly when they’ve done nothing to deserve it?

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this.

Sincerely,
Miss Lolita

The Lady of the Manners is going to answer Miss Lolita’s questions in reverse order, because her second question is one that is very near to the Lady of the Manners’ heart indeed. The short answer is yes, everyone should be treated in a civil fashion, even if they’ve done nothing to deserve it. But there is, of course, a longer, more detailed answer to that question.

It is entirely possible to be civil and polite to someone while making it perfectly clear that you do not respect (or approve) of their behavior or actions. How do you do that? By keeping your interactions with them as short as you possibly can, by choosing your words carefully, and by maintaining a politely neutral tone of voice. There’s no need to sound sarcastic or annoyed: a neutral tone conveys the message that you do not wish to be friends with them.

Remember Snarklings, being mannerly is NOT the same thing as being friendly (or respectful, or “nice”). In fact, it is even more important to be polite to people you don’t necessarily respect or who have ridiculed you, because if you don’t make the effort to be mannerly in your interactions with them, that means you will be descending to their level.

As for your other query about how to answer questions of “What are you?”; well, what sort of label do you feel describes you best? You say that calling yourself a Goth earned you ridicule and accusations of being a ‘poser’, but were those comments being flung at you by people who might have been a touch uncertain about their own status as a member of the Goth subculture? Because that is one of the favorite tactics of the insecure: to tear down others so they themselves can feel superior. The Lady of the Manners, because she is amused by such things, is fond of responding to ridicule and accusations of poser-dom with a very sincere expression and questions such as “Really? Oh dear! What am I doing wrong? Please tell me, since you’re obviously such an expert …” Sarcastic? Oh yes, Snarklings . But if someone feels the need to start throwing the ‘poser’ label around, the Lady of the Manners feels that they should be given enough rope to hang themselves with.

Also remember that there is nothing stopping you from coming up with your own description for yourself. The Lady of the Manners has described herself as aPerkygoth, a NeoVictorian Goth, and is currently quite fond of the description of Cupcake Gothic. RomantiGoth, Steampunk, CyberGoth, batcave, deathrock : all these labels really are good for is to be a shorthand that encompasses a wide and varied range of ideas and interests. And while that shorthand is very useful indeed, the Lady of the Manners also thinks that people shouldn’t get too worked up about finding the Perfectly Perfect Label for themselves. (Contrariwise, the Lady of the Manners also feels that people who stamp their little stompy feet and raise a fuss about people applying labels to them or to their actions should, perhaps, find other things to get quite so worked up about. Again, labels are a useful shorthand. If you don’t agree with the label someone has tried to apply to you, throwing a hissy fit won’t stop them from applying labels to you; it will just make them add additional, possibly uncomplimentary descriptions.)

—

The second reader letter is from the fabulous and witty La BellaDonna, who wrote in with a question concerning cosmetics:

Dearest Madame:I have a question that has been perplexing me since I started reading your delightful website. It has reached the point where I can ignore it no longer, and must ask you: Why?

You have repeatedly instructed your readers to not, to never, don’t EVER !!!! wear Halloween makeup in the workaday world. Especially as the season is upon us once more, and there is every chance that the issue will rise yet again from its resting place, again I ask: Why? I know you have the best interests of your readers at heart, so I do understand that that is part of the instruction, but I have been unable to intuit the rest of your reasoning.

I am, you see, a Person of Pallor, or as some makeup sites put it, a Pale Porcelain Princess. If I use the lightest shade carried by makeup companies, I look as if I have unsuccessfully used “QT” or “Tan In A Can” rather than “Ivory.” Every few decades, Chanel or some other company will put out a White foundation, but it disappears after a season or two. I have been very happy – very, VERY happy – with Halloween makeups, as they actually *match* my skin tone. I wear, usually, a Bob Kelly white pancake in the summer, and a nameless professional white cream-in-a-tube (yes, the Halloween stuff sold on racks in Rite Aid) in the winter, to keep my skin from drying out. I first put my sunblock on (SolBar #50), carefully rubbing it into my skin; then I either apply the Pancake with a makeup sponge, using a circular motion; or, if I’m using a lightweight cream, I dot it on my face in the traditional fashion, and blend it in. I wait a few minutes, for the makeup to “set,” then I take a (clean!) paper towel, or a clean dry washcloth, and carefully buff my skin, so that I don’t have oddglibs or globs of makeup in my eyebrows, or my hairline, or the creases around my nose – or the ones that Nature has seen fit to provide me, alack. I then put on my blush (oh, yesindeedy, I wear blush); I put it on the apple of my cheeks and blend, blend, blend, extending outward; nothing tricksy like painting shadows on my nose or cheekbones for daywear! I then apply eyewear (VERY muted, but including black liner and eyebrow filler), and coverup where needed for Nature’s tiny imperceptible flaws and imperfections. My hair (black) is finished off in a French braid.

It is true that I do not look like everyone else, but even without any makeup at all, I still would not (see “Princess of Pallor”). What I look most like, in fact, are the women who modeled for Dior andFath and Bohan in the 1950s – or Boucher in the 1750s. It is a very professional look, and not unappealing, apparently; I have had (unsolicited) numerous favorable comments on my face from men and women, adults and small children.

What then, is the answer? What is the secret? What is the reasoning for not using my lovely Halloween foundation? It is very thrifty (i.e., cheap – a plus for students), it lasts well, it is hypoallergenic, as indeed most stage makeups are and have to be.

So I ask you, dear Madame, since I cannot reason it out for myself: why should I not use my Halloween foundation, and what do you recommend in its place? Gratefully,

La BellaDonna

Oh gracious. You see, dearest La BellaDonna, when the Lady of the Manners proclaimed that one should not use Halloween foundation as regular makeup, it was because the Lady of the Manners had seen FAR too many Spooky Types who had applied white Halloween makeup in a somewhat … sloppy manner, with no attention paid to blending it. Also, most of the Spooky Types that the Lady of the Manners saw indulging in this were not Princesses or Princes of Pallor trying to find a foundation that would blend with their skin tone, but people trying to mimic a delicately undead complexion. Considering these Spooky Types only applied the white makeup to their faces, their usual skin tone being visible on their necks and ears was a bit distracting, to say the least.

The Lady of the Manners is aware of how difficult it is to find truly pale makeup; the Lady of the Manners has lost track of the number of times
she has had to tell well-meaning clerks at cosmetics counters that no, bronzer is not what the Lady of the Manners is after. The companies the Lady of the Manners has seen with the largest range of shades for foundation are those companies that specialize in mineral cosmetics; brands such as Aromaleigh and Fyrinnae have shades named “Ghost” and “Moonstone”.

However, the Lady of the Manners would like to make sure that everyone is very aware that one does not have to have a ghostly pallor to be a Goth. Goth is not about a particular skin tone (or religion, or even a particular band), but is a subculture with a preferred aesthetic of beauty in decay. (The reason the Lady of the Manners feels that she needs to stress that Goth Is Not About Being Pale is because she already receives a trickle of reader mail from darker-complectedSnarklings who are worried that their skin tone means they are not Real Goths. Yes, Snarklings, you are Real Goths. Stop worrying.)

With the “Goth does not equal ghostly white” tangent out of the way, if you do want to apply white makeup, the Lady of the Manners has some advice for you.

Thing the First: go back and re-read La BellaDonna’s letter, and pay close attention to how she applies her makeup. Especially the part about blending it, and then making sure there aren’t anyglibs or globs lurking about. Blending is The Most Important Thing with white makeup.

Thing the Second: if you are applying white makeup to create a deathly pallor (instead of merely trying to match your natural skin tone), you should apply the makeup to all exposed skin. This means your ears, your entire neck (yes, including the nape), and any other skin that may show. Otherwise you run the risk of looking like a mime.

Thing the Third: Do not sleep in your makeup. No matter how tired you may be at the end of an evening, you should gently clean all the makeup off of your skin, and apply a gentle moisturizer. 3 A.M. is not a good excuse for sleeping in whiteface and eyeliner.

—

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to wander off to brew a pot of tea, sew more buttons onto a velvet jacket, and peruse more reader mail. The next edition of Gothic Charm School will feature a letter from a reader who is part of the vampire subculture, and the Lady of the Manners will finally get around to talking about that whole sparkly skull accessories trend. (Thank you to the reader who wrote in to ask about this!) Does the Lady of the Manners need to remind all of you to write to Gothic Charm School? Or about the Gothic Charm School CafePress Store, a fabulous resource for all of your holiday gift shopping needs? No, the Lady of the Manners didn’t really think so, but likes to be thorough about these things.

Posted in Being Fashionable, Being Mannerly | Leave a comment

Of Parents Worrying About “Drama”

Posted on October, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

No, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners did not mean to go this long before posting a new lesson. But, as many of you probably know, October is a very busy month for those of a Gothy nature, and time just seemed to slip through the Lady of the Manners’ lace-gloved fingers. But never fear (or do if it makes you happy), for the Lady of the Manners has returned, and with advice for the black-clad parents among Gothic Charm School’s readers. A “Worried mother” wrote in with a serious dilemma:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

I apologize in advance for the length of this message. I am afraid I tend to go on for a bit here.

First of all, I wish to thank you for writing your column. I think you provide a great benefit, not only to the Goth community, but to other so-called ‘fringe’ communities as well (including Fandom, which I self-identify as belonging to).

I am writing to ask for your advice, or perhaps just your support, with a parenting issue. I have two beautiful, intelligent and talented daughters, who give me both joy and pride. I have always been slightly disappointed that their taste in fashion and entertainment has been more ‘mainstream’ than my own, but have made a deliberate effort to allow them the freedom which my own parents have afforded me. I must admit, however, to secretly rejoicing when my younger daughter, who is now 11, began to explore somewhat darker interests, encouraged by the ‘mainstream goth’ fashion trend which you have expressed irritation at in the past. For some time I’ve been toying with asking your advice in how to encourage her in this (she was thrilled when “Ghastlycrumb Tinies” appeared in her Christmas stocking last year).

(A quick comment about your opening section, Worried mother: the Lady of the Manners is thrilled to read that you are making a deliberate effort to give your daughters the freedom to express themselves, even when their choices didn’t match your own. The Lady of the Manners understands that the temptation to mold your children into tiny copies of yourself is strong, and not enough parents –from the Goth community and the more “mainstream” walks of life– understand that children are very much their own people with their own likes and dislikes.)

Unfortunately, that is not the reason for this e-mail. That same beloved daughter has also discovered self-harm. On several occasions she has deliberately cut herself, and hid the marks. She has been seeing a mental-health professional, who has been working with her to develop better ways to handle the stress which comes with adolescence. She has also taken it upon herself to create a presentation on various mental health issues (including both self-harm and eating disorders) geared at children slightly younger than herself, which she will take to the school system in the hopes of presenting it to local elementary schools (incidentally getting herself and her friends out of school for a few days). Her peers have been, for the most part, concerned but supportive.

Unfortunately, their parents have been less so. Evidently several parents have told their daughters not to invite my child to social events because they ‘didn’t want the drama’.

I am at a loss for what to do. She feels (most probably rightly) that she is at an age where I should not intervene in her social activities, but my maternal instincts push me to do so.

There. Now, having said it, I feel better. Thank you for listening, and for writing such a wonderful column in the first place.

The Lady of the Manners is glad to hear that your daughter is seeing a mental-health professional, and very impressed that she is creating a presentation to help inform others about mental health issues. The Lady of the Manners fervently hopes that your daughter can create something good out of what she has suffered through, and that she can reach out to other children that may be facing the same sort of issues and let them know they are not alone. Early adolescence is a stressful time, and anything that can help someone understand that they aren’t alone and they don’t have to try and cope with things all by themselves is something to be encouraged.

As to the parents of your daughter’s peers … sadly, the Lady of the Manners isn’t surprised by their behavior. Disappointed in it, yes, very much so. But not surprised. The social stigma surrounding mental health issues is very pervasive, and people who should know better will sometimes indulge in behavior that makes no sense. Many people act as if mental health issues are shameful and contagious, and that people who are honest about what they may be going through should be avoided at all costs. Which is, of course, ridiculous and just a touch paranoid.

What to do about those parents of your daughter’s peers? Your daughter is right, she is at an age where your intervention about this issue in her social life isn’t the right way to approach things. You can’t force the other parents to include her, no matter how groundless and irrational their fears. However, what you CAN do is make it perfectly clear to the other parents that they are being irrational and silly. The next time you talk to any of the Paranoid Parents, be sure to mention the presentation your daughter is working on; talk about how wonderful it is that she is doing something to help other confused and troubled kids to feel less ostracized and alone. With luck, the Paranoid Parents will realize they’ve been acting in a less-than-rational manner, and will stop telling their daughters to not invite your daughter to things.

If by some chance the Paranoid Parents actually ask you a direct question about your daughter’s well-being and stability, be direct with them. Tell them that she’s gotten help, and then ask them about what sort of “drama” they think your daughter is going to instigate. But only do this if they themselves bring the subject up. While your urge to defend your daughter’s character is perfectly understandable, leaping to her defense without the other parents starting the conversation might backfire. It could make you look like you’re being fiercely overprotective because your daughter needs that much defending, and that the Paranoid Parents’ suspicions about Drama-with-a-capital-D are correct. That is absolutely the last thing you want them thinking, so do what you can to avoid it.

Be sure to let your daughter know that if she changes her mind and she does want you to intervene in her social life, you will of course be there for her. You might want to ask her if she wants to start hosting her own social events, but let her know that if her friends’ parents decide to keep their children from attending for the same spurious reasons, then you will Have Words with the other parents. While taking people to task because they didn’t extend invitations to your daughter is somewhat awkward and generally Not Done, asking people why they didn’t want to allow their daughters to attend an event of yours is another thing entirely.

The Lady of the Manners hopes that her advice was of some use to you; please do write back and let her know how things are going, and how your daughter’s presentation goes.

—

Be sure to come back soon to Gothic Charm School; in the next lesson the Lady of the Manners is going to address white face makeup (as in, the difference between the good and the bad. Oh yes, Snarklings, there is a difference.), and is also going to talk about why being polite to people who aren’t polite to you is important. As always, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners enjoys receiving mail from you, and is sorry that she can’t write long answers to each and every one of you.

Posted in Growing Pains | Leave a comment