Of Being Who You Want to Be, and Not Knowing What the Future Holds.

Posted on October, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

Snarklings, it appears it’s again time for a discussion of how to continue being the person you want to be. There are so many letters from you darling odd creatures out there fretting about how to stay true to your gothy inclinations! The letter that recently caught the Lady of the Manners’ imagination and yanked at the strings of her fuzzy black heart was from Holly:

Dearest Lady,
You could say I’m not a very ordinary girl. I am one of a set of triplets born three months premature. I was born with Cerebral Palsy and use a wheelchair. I also have ADHD and scoliosis. I had a very goth babysitter from the time I was eight months old to about eleven or twelve years old. I’ve been riding horses since I was eighteen months, and visiting the local goth shops since I was four. All through my childhood I wore all black and watched Tim Burton films and read books like Catwings and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. My constant companion was a little black stuffed dog and cat. I usually kept to myself and talked to my adorably frightful imaginary friends.

Now, a teenager, I wear Lolita, and when I cannot that is traded in for a black and white striped dress, large hair bow, and combat boots. I listen to dark soundtracks and bands like Nightwish and The Birthday Massacre, along with music boxes and scary soundtracks. I now own a rat named Draco and a black and white Andalusian horse named Leo, who I partially named after a fictional psychopath.

Because I am getting older, my family members are getting more concerned for me. My mother thinks my darkness is getting less cute and rather ridiculous (for example, I want a corset or waist cincher and the answer is always no), my sisters ridicule my clothing choices, and my grandma thinks I am off the wall mad (she insists that ghosts are not real when I have seen and talked to them for years).

I am concerned for my own future. All I can really do is ride a horse and write creepy, romantic novels and poetry. I worry that no one will ever want to marry me as I’m just a creepy little gothling in a wheelchair. I want little dark children named Severus Alexei and Alice Anastasia. My question to you, dear Lady, is how do I continue being my gothic little self as I get older, and even now?

Sincerely,
Holly

“We are kind of gothic about cats.” Me, four years old

(The Lady of the Manners left Holly’s sig line in because she found it particularly adorable.)

First things first: In case you haven’t read them before, here are handy links to some previous Gothic Charm School posts about dealing with parental disapproval!
Of Dealing With Your Parents.
Of Fashion Choices and of Feeling Like a Fake.
Of Scary Books and of Becoming Who You Want to Be.

”¦ Good heavens, there are 47 posts in the “Growing Pains” category on Gothic Charm School. Go, read!

Next, to address some of Holly’s specific concerns: the Lady of the Manners is just making a wild guess, but suspects that part of the reason your family is becoming less tolerant of your gothy ways as you get older is because they want you to have as “normal” a life as possible.

(A quick caveat: the Lady of the Manners is doing her best to avoid any sort of condescending or ableist language. If she has somehow failed at that effort or has said something problematic, please know that it wasn’t intentional.)

Because of the issues in your life, the people you meet will probably never immediately treat you like everyone else; add being a Goth to that, and you’ve pretty much guaranteed that you will always stand out from the crowd. There is  nothing wrong with that. But your family (especially your parents) almost certainly want to protect you, and they probably think that expressing an interest in the weird and spooky is just going to make your life even more difficult. And, as much as the Lady of the Manners hates to admit it, they’re not entirely wrong. There will be people who think that it’s somehow “inappropriate” for you to be a Goth, and there will be other Goths who think you shouldn’t be part of the subculture. BOTH of those ideas are wrong, wrong, wrong, but you need to acknowledge those ideas exist so you won’t be surprised if (or when) you encounter them.

Talk to your family. Remind them that your interest in all things Goth has been a part of your life for years, and turning away from things that make you happy is a joyless concept that you don’t agree with. Suggest that they talk to your former babysitter about their experiences as a Goth. For that matter, talk to your siblings! How do they feel about your gothy inclinations, and would they be able to help you explain your feelings to your parents?

As to your hopes and dreams for your future, the Lady of the Manners can’t give you any assurances that things will turn out the way you wish. (The Lady of the Manners can’t give anyone those assurances, sometimes not even herself.) However, all that means is that you must keep those dreams close to your heart and keep working toward them. Keep writing your creepy romantic novels and poetry and see where that takes you. Be aware that the thing that could transform your life and help you create your dreams may not be immediately recognizable. The truth that is simultaneously reassuring and terrifying is that the future hasn’t happened yet, which means you can act to make it into the future you want.

—

Hmmm. In the process of answering Holly’s questions, it seems the Lady of the Manners has committed somthing of a pep talk, one she suspects that many people need to be gently thumped with. (The Lady of the Manners most certainly includes herself in the “many people that need to be gently thumped with a pep talk” collection, oh yes.)

In the spirit of pep talks and supporting each other, comments on this post are open! Moderated, but open! As always, be polite, be kind, and be aware that sometimes it takes the Lady of the Manners a day or two to get to reviewing and approving the comments.

—

Also! Do you want daily bits of burbling, clicky-links, and eye candy from Gothic Charm School? Then head over to the Gothic Charm School Tumblr!

Posted in Growing Pains, Serious Matters | 12 Comments

Gothic Charm School + Gloomth Giveaway on Tumblr!

Posted on October, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

Hey pumpkin! Do you want a chance to win a pair of Gloomth’s “Pumpkin Rump” bloomers? Of course you do, don’t be silly.

So quick! Scamper over to this post on the Gothic Charm School Tumblr to enter!

Posted in Being Fashionable | Leave a comment

Of Dealing With School Dress Codes

Posted on September, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

It’s that time of year again, Snarklings. Autumn! Which brings not just cooler weather (very important with regard to a typical Goth wardrobe), but a flurry of letters, much like drifts of falling leaves, from young Goths heading back to school. Dress codes! How, oh how can they cope with their school’s dress code and still proudly show their ties to the Goth subculture? (This post lists previous lessons on school dress codes.)

Thing the First: The Lady of the Manners is going to reassure all of you (as she’s done before) that you don’t have to dress in a goth style to be a goth. No, no you don’t. Ignore those people who say you aren’t a Real Gothâ„¢ unless you are draped in black fabric and spend every minute of your life, awake or asleep, looking as spooky and undead as possible. For one thing, that’s an impossible standard that no one can achieve or live up to. (And the Lady of the Manners means NO ONE, not even our holy Goth icons such as Siouxsie Sioux or Peter Murphy.) For another thing, there’s more to Goth than “looking the part”. Being interested in the music, the literature, the art – there are multiple windswept branches on the Halloween tree that is Goth, and dark fashion is but one of them. Finally, there are times when, no matter how much you want to adorn yourself with black velvet and lace, or armor yourself in a shiny black carapace of leather and PVC, life ”¦ gets in the way, and you have to forego your finery for real-life practicality. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad or unworthy of calling yourself a Goth just because you don’t fit some shadowy paper doll ideal.

Thing the Second: Get yourself a copy of the dress code for your school. Even if you’re stuck with a mandatory uniform of polo shirts and black slacks, find out if there is an additional dress code that addresses hair color and styles, shoes, socks or other hosiery, jewelry, cosmetics, and/or any other accessories.

Read the dress code thoroughly, as in multiple times, and take notes. That may seem like a slightly over-the-top suggestion, but really, it isn’t. You need to know what sections of the dress code have fuzzier boundaries than the others. Does the dress code not mention hair color? That means you can indulge in unnatural dyes, clip-in streaks, or temporary color such as hair chalk or hair mascara. No rules about the socks that are allowed with the uniform? Then go wild with stripes, lace, or Halloween socks all year. Wear a necklace that has some gothy symbol (bats, spiders, the image of a favorite musician or writer, and so on), and make sure it’s long enough that it can be tucked into your shirt if needed. Paint your nails black, draw little bats on your arm with markers, or decorate your school bag with buttons and patches for your favorite bands, books, and movies.

Why yes, all of these suggestions are on the subtle side. Let’s face it, Snarklings: school dress codes are an annoying fact of life, and displaying your ‘everyday is Halloween’ lifestyle, while important, is almost certainly not worth your getting expelled over.

Thing the Third, which ties into Thing the Second:  Make sure you are aware of all the rules and the specific language of the rules. When (probably not “if”, sadly) a teacher or school administrator decides to make you a target, you can refer to whatever rule they claim you are breaking and defend yourself. If there is any vagueness to the language, take advantage of it. Make the school officials explain what they mean by “no distracting clothing” or “no jewelry”, because the Lady of the Manners is willing to bet at least one pair of pointy-toed boots that there are a few of your more “normal-looking” classmates who are breaking those rules, too.

However, don’t fall into the trap of “But so-and-so is totally breaking that rule, too!” as a defense. Well, don’t use that immediately as a defense. Ask the teacher or school official to spell out exactly what dress code rule you are bending or breaking.  Only mention other, perhaps less gothy, classmates who are also getting around those rules if you can give specific examples of how the rule isn’t being applied evenly to everyone.

Thing the Fourth: Talk to your parents about the dress code, preferably before you are lectured about any infractions against it. Explain to them the parts of the dress code you don’t agree with, and the parts that you may be thinking about edging around the boundaries of. While the Lady of the Manners doesn’t like pointing this out, be aware that your parents may dismiss your frustrations with the dress code, or tell you that you shouldn’t be wasting your time and efforts on it when there are more important things to be focusing on, such as what’s being taught at school. If they do this, try to stay as calm as you possibly can and explain to them why being able to express yourself through fashion is important to you. (As an aside, telling your parents that you need to do this because you’re a Goth is not exactly a good explanation.)

Yes, this ties into the whole Talking To Your Parents notion that the Lady of the Manners is always going on about. But look at it this way: it is better to prepare and warn your parents for the idea that you might be having some heated discussions with authority figures at your school, rather than bringing home one of those always-awkward official letters.

In the end, there may be nothing you really can do to circumvent the dreaded school dress code. Saying this makes the Lady of the Manners feel a little sad, and a tiny bit like a hypocrite, because the Lady of the Manners didn’t have to deal with these sorts of annoying restrictions when she was in school. She has been able to structure her life so she can dress in the style that makes her happy. But it’s a very different world now, and school boards cling to the belief that limiting expressions of personal style will reduce the bullying problem. (The Lady of the Manners strongly believes that mandatory classes on communication, empathy, and learning how to politely interact with people even if you don’t want to ever be friends with them would do a lot more to reduce the bullying problem, but the Lady of the Manners is a bit of an idealist about such things.)

Because this is one of the topics that always comes up, the Lady of the Manners is going to open up the comment section! Yes, share your stories and tips about dealing with school dress code nonsense, and show each other some support. Just like always, the comments are going to be moderated, so be polite, and don’t fret if it takes a little while for your comment to appear.

Posted in Growing Pains | 25 Comments

Of Fashion Choices and of Feeling Like A Fake

Posted on June, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

Hello Snarklings! Eventually the Lady of the Manners will get her bewildering array of projects under some sort of control and get back to writing new lessons for Gothic Charm School in a more frequent, regularly-scheduled fashion. Eventually. But let’s not dwell on the months that have passed since the last post, let’s jump into questions from readers! For this installment of Gothic Charm School, the Lady of the Manners decided to feature letters from readers that have questions and qualms about how they present themselves. The first letter is from Mistet Dreamer, with a question about proper attire:

Hello,

I am fourteen years of age-soon to be fifteen but that has naught to do with my inquiry hahaha. I’m here to ask you about something that has been bothering me slightly…but at the same time, itching my brain with all sorts of scattering thinking bugs. My Big Sister ((she’s not blood related at all but we’re as close as sisters…she’s younger than I am by a few months but more mature than I am, i assure you haha)) always manages to dress in lovely skirts and dresses, boots,etc. And I’m less of the feminine sort as I wear waistcoats and ties,trousers, and such. The problem is that an Elder Goth brought it to my attention, at a tea party no less, that it was very UN lady like to wear such things and that I should dress ‘prettier’ like Big Sister. I simply dismissed it with a chuckle and a smile but it still hurt. Was she right? Should I be wearing gowns instead of suits and ribbons instead of ties? Being the EVER fashionable lady that you are I seek your opinion and advice on the matter.

Ever thankful,
Mistet Dreamer

Oh dear. When the Lady of the Manners first read your letter, she had to set her tea cup down so she didn’t start sloshing tea everywhere as she waved her hands in frustration during her ranting. First things first, let’s take a look at the definition for “ladylike”: Adjective – behaving or dressing in a way considered appropriate for or typical of a well-bred, decorous woman or girl.
Of an activity or occupation considered suitable for such a woman or girl.

How odd, there doesn’t seem to be a word in there about ladylike dictating a particular fashion, or that dressing “prettier” is more ladylike than wearing such garments as a waistcoat, tie, and trousers. Now yes, the Lady of the Manners admits she’s being pedantic about this, what with pulling out a dictionary definition and all, and that “everyone knows” that ladylike when applied to clothing means dressing like a LADY: dainty gowns and dresses, with an emphasis on the traditional trappings of femininity. Heaven knows the Lady of the Manners’ preferred mode of dress falls under such a heading, what with the petticoats, the full skirts, and the makeup. But! There is no rule or mandate (from Above, Below, or from the nonexistent Goth Cabal) that dictates that if you consider yourself female and are in the Goth subculture, you must dress in an overtly feminine, ladylike way, and the idea that there would be such a rule or mandate is preposterous.

Just like the majority of Goth fashion, ladylike fashion can be expensive and time-consuming. And not just time-consuming in the getting all dressed up in frills and corsetry and makeup aspect, but time-consuming in the finding of those sorts of clothes. If you don’t want to spend the (often considerable) amounts of money to accumulate a “prettier” wardrobe, then you have to spend the time in finding budget-friendly versions, be it by hours spent sewing, browsing thrift stores, or bargain-hunting online. Some people don’t want to spend their time doing that or putting on all the clothing and cosmetics, and that’s fine. Yes, the Lady of the Manners has joked that when she eventually becomes Vampire Witch Queen of the Universe, there will be a lovely — but strict! — dress code, but that jokingly-threatened dress code is not going to enforce gender stereotypes.

If you are happy in your waistcoats, trousers, and ties, then don’t let anyone make you feel that you need to change your sartorial ways. This applies to anyone else and their wardrobe choices! Are you happy in tattered layers of fishnet and vinyl? Or in flowing asymmetrical layers of chiffon and jersey knit? Or in ::gasp:: jeans and a t-shirt? Then good. The only caveat being, of course, that if there is a specific dress code for an event, do your best to comply with it. (School and workplace dress codes are an entirely different matter, in that not obeying those can lead to being reprimanded, written up, and other such unpleasant things.)

Now, does your being happy with your attire mean that you will be free from well-intentioned –and not-so-well-intentioned– commentary? Gracious, no. Because people are people, there will always be someone who feels they can and should comment on your appearance, whether they feel they’re giving you helpful advice or because they feel they’re allowed to pass judgement on what everyone else is wearing. And you know what? No one the Lady of the Manners has ever met has been exempt from those impulses, not even herself. The important thing is that while you may not approve or understand of another person’s sartorial self-expression, you shouldn’t voice those comments. Telling someone that their boots have come unlaced, a zipper is undone, or commenting on other such clothing issues? That’s fine. Telling someone that you think they should dress more ladylike (or masculine, or deathrock, or trad goth, or industrial, or anything, you get the idea) is not okay.

There have been times when the Lady of the Manners has exchanged blank looks with someone she has walked past, each of us obviously thinking, “You chose to wear that? Ohhh-kaaay”. And while the Lady of the Manners is baffled by what some people think looks good, the Lady of the Manners also tries very hard to remember that her aesthetic principles are not everyone else’s, and that other people are just as baffled by her choices. (Sequined Ugg boots, though. Why? Whyyyyyy?)

To sum up, Mistet Dreamer, the Elder Goth who informed you that you should dress “prettier” and “more ladylike” was in the wrong, not you. If you cross paths with that Elder Goth again and they repeat their comments, smile your best winning smile at them, say “Thank you for your opinion”, and ignore them. Don’t bother arguing with them, just acknowledge that you heard them, and feel secure in the knowledge that you have adorned yourself in the way you prefer.

—

The next question is from Krista, who is having a bit of a crisis of confidence:

Hello there,

Lady, I was wondering if you could help me. I’m having a terrible identity crisis. I want to dress Goth, but I have no idea which part of the fashion appeals to me most. I sort of want to enmesh Victorian Goth and Deathrock fashion? I love elegant lace, but I also love that edgy/destroyed look of clothing. I also really don’t have the means to buy beautiful clothes online (struggling college sophomore), and I know that I am very late in entering the subculture.

I’m slowly dipping my toes into the pool of Goth, but I feel like my outfits look silly, my music taste isn’t accurate, my makeup isn’t extravagant or “good” enough. In short, I sort of feel like a fake, trying to find my way, and stumbling a lot! I feel like I just haven’t evolved into that “ideal Goth” that I want to be.

I do understand Goth is so much more than clothes, or music, or makeup and hair, but I honestly just feel quite lost.

Many thanks,

~Krista

Darling gothy creature, the Lady of the Manners is going to let you in on a little secret that shouldn’t BE a secret in the first place: you don’t have to stick with A Goth fashion, no more than you have to listen solely to one subgenre of Goth music. (Nor do you have to listen to nothing but Goth music!) You want to mix up Victorian Goth and Deathrock? Go for it! (The Lady of the Manners is also fascinated with the blending of those two fashion styles.) You want to wear flouncy frills and elegant draperies of lace one day, but long for shredded fishnets, black shorts, and a razor-sharp black blazer the next? That’s fine. While picking one fashion style and sticking with it can certainly make life easier (in terms of finding clothes, DIY projects, and getting dressed in the morning), there is no one True Goth Uniform. No, you don’t even have to wear all black. Just wear what appeals to you, and do your best to feel and project confidence. (The Lady of the Manners says “do your best” because she is sadly aware that all the well-intentioned pep-talks in the universe won’t be enough to help some people in their battles against insecurity and anxiety.)

You say that you sort of feel like a fake, and that you haven’t evolved into the “ideal Goth” that you want to be. You said you’re “slowly dipping your toes into the pool of Goth”, so of course you haven’t evolved into the vision you have enshrined in your head. Precious Snarkling, give yourself time! No one sprang forth with a fully-evolved Goth style and music library; no, not even Her Royal Highness Siouxsie Sioux. Yes, there are people who have completely transformed themselves overnight into spooky creatures of darkness; those overnight transformations often are accompanied by that faint, indefinable air of someone trying on a costume, not really settling into who they want to be. The Lady of the Manners realizes that some people think she’s being ridiculous in saying this, and is hopelessly out-of-step and uncool in addition. But the Lady of the Manners really does believe that if Goth is something that calls to you, if it’s not just a phase (but remember, there’s nothing really wrong if it IS a phase), then of course it is going to take some time to figure out which parts of it work for you and which don’t. Stop fretting that you haven’t achieved your ideal version of Goth, and enjoy the meandering journey to getting there.

There’s another side to the “feeling like a fake” dilemma. Everyone in the Goth subculture, and the Lady of the Manners really does mean everyone, has times where they feel like they aren’t “Goth enough”, that they aren’t the fabulous elegant monster they long to be. That at some point they wail in despair that their hair isn’t big enough, they aren’t wearing enough eyeliner, their clothes aren’t fancy or shredded enough, they haven’t read every single thing connected to Goth and Gothic history and literature, that they don’t have all the Goth music or aren’t as wildly enthusiastic about all the classic Goth bands ”¦ and so on, and so on. Every Goth has been visited by at least one of those sorts of creeping fears and uncertainties.

So, how does one deal with those unwanted, vexing, upsetting notions? By laughing at them, for one, because trying to be 100% Uber-Spooky Goth all the time is ”¦ pointless. And impossible. Just stop and try to imagine someone being a mysterious Goth creature while, say, brushing their teeth. Toothpaste spatters on black velvet would be a tragedy, for one thing.

Now, the Lady of the Manners, and many other Eldergoths who are at peace with who they are and what they like, is all for embracing her cliches. The Lady of the Manners delights in spending an evening sitting on her burgundy brocade couch, a classic vampire movie on in the background, adding black lace trim and safety pins to the latest black velvet blazer she’s found at the thrift store, with flickering candles and a glass of absinthe sitting on the side table. The Lady of the Manners is also able to acknowledge what a complete and utter cliche such an evening is, and will happily laugh at herself and her interests, because if you can’t laugh good-naturedly at yourself, you probably shouldn’t be laughing at anyone or anything else. Revel in your stereotypical Goth interests, but also know they don’t have to be the only things that define you.

The Lady of the Manners has often said that no one is Perfectly Goth all the time, 24/7, because everyone has interests outside of our dark little corner of a subculture, and trying to act like they don’t is a silly, pointless affectation. If someone is going to look down their nose (probably daubed with white foundation and powder) at you for daring to like something that isn’t quintessentially gothy, reassure yourself that they are the ones who are in the wrong.

To sum up, you are not a fake, and becoming the fabulous gothy creature you aspire to be will take time. Everyone in this subculture has gone through the sometimes awkward learning about Goth stage. (Which is different than being a babybat! A babybat is a Goth who is not old enough to go to nightclubs and buy alcohol, and has nothing to do with one’s Level of Gothness.) Take lots of photos during your fledgeling Goth era! Save your journals, art, and poetry! For one thing, some of it may be better than you suspect. But most importantly, a fun (and vital!) thing for Goths to do is to look back at the mementos of their hilarious-in-retrospect gothy selves and think about how they’ve evolved. It’s called Growing and Having a Sense of Self, something that everyone should do.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to dive back into the monstrous pile of Gothic Charm School correspondence that has been ominously growing, and swears she won’t spend all of her time over on Tumblr. Honest.

Posted in Being Fashionable, General, Growing Pains | 22 Comments

Of Dealing With Your Parents

Posted on March, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

Snarklings, this it. This is the post in which the Lady of the Manners is going to attempt to address THE question that arrives in the Gothic Charm School mailbox the most often. Now, the Lady of the Manners has indeed addressed this question before, in various ways, but this is going to be the comprehensive answer to this dilemma that so many of you young Snarklings are facing.

The dilemma? Parents not approving of or letting you be a Goth.

First things first: if you are attracted to finding beauty in darkness, if you are fascinated by the macabre, the grotesque, and the morbid, if the music, literature, and aesthetics of Goth have wrapped their inky black tendrils around your heart, mind, and soul, then no one can change that or take that away from you. (Unless, of course, your tastes change, as sometimes they do, and that’s fine too.) If you have found a home in the Goth subculture, your parents expressing their disapproval or dismay at what appeals to you isn’t going to change that. No really, it isn’t. You may have to downplay your interest in the culture and its trappings, you may have to wait until you are off at school or have moved out on your own, but Goth isn’t going anywhere. It’s an artistic movement that has been around, in one form or another, for centuries.

However, the Lady of the Manners also knows that she’s being a trifle disingenuous with that answer, because that’s not really what you young Snarklings are asking for help with. You want to have your exterior represent your interior; you want to dress the part and be able to look like the fabulous creatures of darkness that you are in your hearts. And that is what your parents tend to object to. For example, there’s this letter from Mary-Sue:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

I told my parents I was Goth and they just laughed. They insisted that no, I was not Goth, and that yes, it WAS just a phase. I tried telling them about some great videos on YouTube by kazlovesbats, SebastianTheGirl, LeahMouse, and you, who were all saying generally the same thing about the subculture, but they didn’t want to see any of them, and they wouldn’t listen to anything I myself had to say. This pretty much sucks because I want to dress in black, and studs, and have the makeup, and all the other stuff I think is cool-looking, but I’m broke and have no car or life, so I can only go shopping when and where they take me. What do I do to make them see this the way I do?

~Mary-Sue

Now Mary-Sue did one of the things the Lady of the Manners would have suggested, which was to show her parents videos that explained about the subculture. Alas, they weren’t willing to watch them, and weren’t willing to listen to anything that Mary-Sue had to say. So turn things around. Ask your parents what are their objections to Goth? What makes them so sure that you aren’t a Goth and that it is just a phase?

The “just a phase” comment is something the Lady of the Manners has wanted to come back to for a while now, actually. For many in the Goth world, being told that “it’s just a phase” is exasperating because we know that it isn’t. To have something so important to us dismissed as a passing fancy makes us feel like the person saying that is ignorant (willfully or not) of an aspect of ourselves. This is especially disheartening and hurtful when it comes from people who have known us for all our lives, and who should have a better understanding of what is important to us. Not to mention the subtext of “it’s just a phase” — that this interest is shallow, frivolous, and that we’ll “grow out of it” — is laden with condescension and scorn.

However, for some people, Goth is “just a phase”, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either. Not everyone who develops an interest in the spooky and the macabre forms a lifelong attachment. Some people want to explore the subculture and then drift away from it as other things attract their interests. Let the Lady of the Manners repeat herself: there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make those people “poseurs”, and it doesn’t make them deserving of ridicule, it just means that they’re trying on identities and interests until they find the things that really speak to them. Not everyone knows, deep down to the marrow of their bones, who they are and who they want to be, and one of the best things about life is that there are millions upon millions of chances to discover and learn about new ideas. If someone was once interested in Goth but eventually decides it’s not for them, that’s fine. The Lady of the Manners just hopes that those people understand that for some others, Goth is not a phase, but something we stick with for our entire lives.

As to parents saying “it’s just a phase”, the Lady of the Manners has a question for them: So? So what if your child’s interest in Goth is a phase? Do you dismiss everything they show an interest in as “just a phase”? Wouldn’t it be better to ask your child to explain their (possibly to you) newfound fascination, so you can find out what draws them to it, and you can have a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be? Take this opportunity to have a conversation about what they like, about what fascinates them and what motivates them to explore these shadowy corners of the world. Encourage them to learn about the history of Goth — not just the music and subculture that grew out of the end of the punk era, but the historical, artistic, and literary roots of the Gothic movement. There really is more to it than strange music played by people in eccentric black clothing, and learning about the world is never a bad thing.

—

Gwyn Grim has found a way around her parents’ disapproval of her Goth wardrobe:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

I’m in love with goth culture and I’ve been drawn to it since I was 2 years old. But my parents are very disapproving of the culture, I suppose Marilyn Manson set a bad example. I’m always searching through eBay for the most beautiful dresses, nothing too elaborate but just enough. Simply knee-length lace corset dresses. What I’ve been doing is my brother buys the dresses and ships it to my best friend, and I keep the dresses there and I don’t wear them around my parents. It gets quite tiring though and I dunno what to do. I feel like a fake I suppose because I can’t dress this way around my parents. What should I do? Is there an indirect way to get my parents to be more accepting?

~Gwyn Grim

The Lady of the Manners is shaking her head in a fond and indulgent manner at you, because your clever way of indulging in your gothy finery is actually a long-standing tradition in the subculture. The Lady of the Manners has strong memories of some of her friends coming to school dressed in a normal, unremarkable manner only to transform themselves with the clothes and makeup they had brought with them in their messenger bags. And yes, they made very sure to reverse the process and don their camouflage before they returned home every day.

Does the Lady of the Manners condone such subterfuge in order to dress the way you want? Mmm, in a way. Sartorial self-expression is an important thing, and there are many people who never feel confident or secure enough to dress the way they really want to. The Lady of the Manners doesn’t want to encourage any of you Snarklings to out-and-out lie to your parents, but does feel that having an “away from home” wardrobe is not a horrible crime. But as Gwyn Grim says, it does get quite tiring to be constantly switching back and forth.

Are you a fake because you can’t dress the way you want to around your parents? Good heavens, no. How Goth you are is not determined by your wardrobe. The Lady of the Manners realizes that her saying this will be a bit of a shock to some people, what with her well-known devotion to elaborate clothing. But being able to indulge in inky black clothing is not a sure sign that someone is a Real Goth; it just means they don’t have to suffer the limitations of dress codes that other people do. As the Lady of the Manners has said before, Goth is a matter of aesthetics that encompasses many things. A person could drape themselves in all the black velvet in the world and live in black eyeliner and lipstick, but if they don’t have an appreciation for (or at the very least knowledge of) the music and literature that were the catalysts to summon this subculture out of the formless darkness, then they’re not quite Goth. An interest in the shadowy fashions can absolutely lead someone to discovering the Goth world, but those shadowy fashions are not the be all and end all of the Goth subculture.

How to get your parents to be more accepting of your interest in Goth? The thing the Lady of the Manners always suggests: talk to them. Find out why they object to Goth. Many parents are hesitant about their children expressing an interest in Goth because the very foundation of the subculture is about exploring and examining ideas that are not always happy, ideas that make people feel unsettled and uneasy. Parents, with the best of intentions, want to protect their kids from that for as long as they possibly can, even if that protective attitude isn’t actually helping anyone. Another objection many parents have with regard to Goth is because of the image of Goths as dangerously decadent types, and if their child shows an interest in Goth, it means they’re growing up “too fast”, and becoming someone that the parents have no idea how to communicate with.

So talk to them. Arm yourself with examples of family-friendly Goth media such as The Addams Family, The Munsters, the character of Abby on NCIS (a friendly, professionally-successful Goth on mainstream TV!), Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, or Emily the Strange. Play them songs by The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Voltaire, or Rasputina. Point out to them that the Goth label applies to literary classics such as Dracula, Wuthering Heights, and everything by Edgar Allan Poe. (And of course, you could hand them a copy of the Gothic Charm School book or have them watch the Gothic Charm School videos!)

Tell them what sparked your interest in the Goth, why it resonates with you, and why you want to express yourself that way. (An aside: telling your parents that you like Goth because it’s “edgy”, “so hardcore”, or “it’s black like my soul” is not going to set them at ease.) Point out to them that exploring the Gothic subculture involves reading classic literature, studying history and art, and encourages people to think for themselves and become who they want to.

Alas, the Lady of the Manners does have to tell you there is a chance that no matter how calmly and clearly you explain yourself and how many examples you show to your parents, they won’t budge in their opinion that No Child Of Theirs Is Going To Be A Goth. So then what can you do? As the Lady of the Manners said at the beginning of this lesson, you may have to wait a few years to fully become the gothy creature you long to be; that you will able to sneak in the music, the books, and the general ideas of Goth into your life, but that you may not be able to completely express yourself in the way you want. Yes, that’s a frustrating idea. If you feel so strongly about it that you are willing to deal with arguments and recriminations from your disapproving parents, the Lady of the Manners wishes you luck and emotional resiliency. She just wants to remind you that your gothness is also not determined by how much you rebel against your parents’ wishes, and that sometimes adopting a veneer of “normalcy” is worth it to keep the peace at home.

—

Then there are the letters that make the Lady of the Manners’ heart ache for the babybat writing in, such as this one:

My mom is CONSTANTLY on my case about what makeup I wear. I’m shy of 13 (I’m still a babybat) and even though I have told her I don’t care what others will think of me, I still get lots of backlash from her with her telling me society will close doors for me. NOT TRUE. Yes, I’m pale, but that doesn’t mean I have to wear light makeup. I like dark makeup. She has told me I look like a slut and no boy will ever like me because I look like, and I quote, a fucking zombie drag-queen that got punched in the eyes. I’ve tried calmly talking to her and my dad, but nothing has worked. She still is so critical. I still get straight A’s, excel in my music and athletics, and she focuses on what is on my face instead of my good qualities. What should I do?

Sincerely, a desperate babybat

Darling, the Lady of the Manners needs you to show this section of the post to your mother right now.

Dear mother of the desperate babybat: what on earth are you THINKING in saying such things to your daughter? No one, NO ONE deserves to have such things said to them, much less your own child. You may not like how she wants to look, but that does not mean she deserves to be called “a fucking zombie drag queen” or any other rude, hurtful, disrespectful things. Children are not clones of yourself, they are their own selves with their own interests and tastes. Lambasting them with cruelty for being different isn’t going to change the way they are, it’s going to make them withdraw from you and leave lasting emotional scars. Why would you want to do that to your child?

For the babybat going through this: be strong. Try to keep in mind that your mother is almost certainly saying these things out of fear, because society does try to freeze out the people who are different, and she probably wants to save you from strife and hardship. She’s going about it in a horrible way, but at the heart of it, she probably thinks she’s being cruel to be kind in a “tough love” sort of way.

What should you do when your mother talks to you like this? In as calm and dignified a manner as you possibly can, tell your mother that you don’t agree with her, that you do not deserve to be spoken to like that, and (if at all possible) walk away from her. Go to another room, go for a walk around the block, but make it clear you will not stay there and be insulted. If it’s not possible to walk away and end the conversation, do everything you can to stay calm and keep repeating “I don’t agree with you.” Avoid getting into an argument if you can, and keep reminding her of the good (better than good, amazing!) things you are doing with your grades, music, and athletics.

Finally, if your mother keeps belittling your appearance and hurling insults at you, you may want to think about going into stealth Goth mode for a while, and give up makeup entirely. No, it’s not a thrilling prospect, and the Lady of the Manners understands that. But if the makeup is the one thing your mother keeps fixating on, then it may be simpler to save expressing yourself with cosmetics for a few years; while the Lady of the Manners dislikes the phrase “wait until you’re older”, your mother may be less hostile about your cosmetic choices when you’re in the middle of your teen years as opposed to “shy of 13”. And let the Lady of the Manners assure you that your gothiness will not vanish just because you aren’t able to indulge in dark shades of makeup. There are many gothy people who don’t wear any makeup at all; black eyeliner is not a prerequisite for being a Goth.

—

In a perfect world, none of this would be an issue, and your parents would allow you to explore the shadowy world of Goth and encourage your self-expression, instead of trying to squash it in the name of fitting in. There are enough other people in the world who will try and mold you into what they think is right without your parents attempting to do the same. So, Snarklings, be true to yourselves and remember that no matter how frustrating things get, there are others out there like you.

And to drive home the point that there are others out there like you, that you aren’t alone: comments are OPEN. Moderated as always, but open. So please, show each other some support.

Posted in General, Growing Pains, Serious Matters | Tagged , , | 94 Comments

Nocturnal House: Wicked As They Come and God Save The Queen

Posted on February, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

Hello Snarklings, and welcome back to the Nocturnal House! I know, I know, it’s been a long time between visits. But to make it up to you, I’m talking about two different vampire books! As Wicked As They Come by Delilah L. Dawson, and God Save The Queen by Kate Locke.

First, a disclaimer to get out of the way: both of these books were sent to me for review. But I would not be burbling about them here if I didn’t like them, and oh, I liked them very much.

Delliah L. Dawson is a very nice lady I’ve nattered back and forth with on Twitter and Tumblr, and she emailed me to ask if she could send me a copy of her book. She thought it might interest me, as it had a Steampunk air, a traveling circus, vampires, and oh, did she mention blood-sucking bunnies? Once I was able to pry Clovis the Devilbunny off of my laptop screen, I said, “Yes, please send it to me!”

Letitia is a home-care nurse who is rediscovering who she wants to be after getting out of a stifling relationship. She has a tiny apartment, a cat named Mr. Surly, and when she’s not tending to her clients, she’s taking care of her ill (but very sassy) grandmother. Letitia stops by the estate sale of a former client, and leaves with an intriguing locket. When she finally pries it open, it spatters her with some sort of red liquid, but reveals a portrait of a man who looks like he’d be a charming rogue. After getting cleaned up, she goes to bed that night and has a strange dream about another world. A world that she arrives in stark naked, and where is found by a mysterious man named Criminy Stain who runs a traveling circus, and oh, just happens to drink blood. They’re not called vampires in this world, the Sang, but Bludmen. There are also humans in the Sang, colloquially known as “Pinkies”, and they smell delicious to everything that drinks blood. Which isn’t just the Bludmen, but almost every animal, including the fuzzy bunnies ”¦

Motion caught my eye, and I looked down to see a small brown rabbit tenderly nosing out from the wood It hopped and halted, hopped and halted, almost to us.

“Did you dream that?” he said.

“The rabbit? Sure, I suppose I did,” I said. “He’s a cutie. Probably represents my kindness. Or innocence. Something like that.”

The rabbit sniffed my foot, nose twitching, eyes bright. I smiled.

And then it bit me, sinking fangs into my bare ankle.

I shrieked and, without thinking, kicked it. It shrieked too, tumbling head over fluffy white tail through the air and landing with a thump in the grass. When it finally righted itself, it turned to hiss at me before darting back into the underbrush.

Hmmm. That was different.

Criminy claims that he cast a spell to summon Letitia to him from her world, and that she’s destined to fall in love with him. It also turns out that there are lawmen looking for a Stranger (which Letitia most certainly is), so even though she’s more than a bit dubious about this destined love, she goes with Criminy to his caravan; if nothing else, Letitia wants something to wear besides the frock coat Criminy loaned her so she wouldn’t be walking through the forest completely naked.

Finding some clothes is important for more than just propriety – the more skin Pinkies cover, the safer they are from being snacked on by bunnies or Bludmen. Lots of layers, high collars, and everything laced up tight helps keep their delicious scent from drawing predators to them.

Next came the dress, which had ties and embroidery over every inch. I fumbled around with it but couldn’t figure out where my head went. It seemed to have three sleeves. Mrs. Cleavers sighed heavily before snatching it back and holding it out to me with the smallest sleeve — which was actually the neck — open. I ducked through it and pulled it down. It was heavy and thick, and it felt like I was putting on a twenty-pound wetsuit. The sleeves went all the way to my knuckles and hooked over my thumbs. Along the wrists, another set of laces waited for my costumer’s merciless tugging.

She laced and pulled all of the ties. The dress was snug against every inch of my skin until it met my hips, where it flared out and in like a mermaid’s tail. A waterfall of ruffles cascaded off my bum. She dragged me to a full-length mirror and tilted it to show my full figure.

I had been transformed into a curvy Victorian bombshell. Or Gothic bombshell, maybe, because even for a garment that covered every inch of skin, there was something decidedly dark and sexy about the thing.

I smiled and ran my hands down my perfectly curved waist.

“Don’t get on your high horse yet, child,” she chided me, reading my mind. “You’ve still got hair and makeup to do. And boots. Boots first.”

Criminy persuades Letitia to work as a fortune-teller, has a caravan cleaned and refitted for her (the wolfboy had done rather a lot of damage), and introduces her to the rest of the circus folks. Letitia is as skeptical about being a fortune-teller as the rest of the performers are about her taking on the role, and discovering that she has hidden “glancing” powers adds to everyone’s sense of unease. Confused and tired, she retires to her caravan to sleep.

”¦ And finds herself back in her “real world”, very, very confused. Was it all an extremely vivid dream? Is she cracking up? No matter what is going on, all she knows is that she’s exhausted, and she needs to get on with her job and taking care of her grandmother. But after a hard day of looking after patients, sleep isn’t as restful as she’d hoped for, because she finds herself back in the Sang, with Criminy waiting for her.

Criminy Stain is very much the quintessential charming rogue with fangs, cocky self-assurance, and a habit of calling Letitia “love”. Letitia is determined not to be swept along by events and Criminy’s charm, and works at trying to get her bearings in this new, strange world. There’s another Stranger from her world who is part of the traveling circus: a musician who turns out to be one of her patients back in the real world, in a coma after a motorcycle crash. He’s interesting, and interested in Letitia, much to the annoyance of Criminy.

Wicked As They Come rattles along at a brisk pace. There are mysterious plots that some of the human leaders are concocting against the Bludmen, magic contracts with hidden consequences, walled cities, vengeful ghosts that try to lure people to horrible deaths, clockwork animals designed to protect their owners, and a submarine. There’s also a visit to a witch to unearth some answers about Letitia’s divided life between the Sang and the “real” world, and what it is costing her:

Madam Burial took off her black lace glove, and her scaled hand hovered in the air, waiting. I grasped it and gasped. The jolt was explosive and strange, a black vortex drawing me in deeply. I dropped her hand as if it was on fire and staggered backward.

Criminy was there immediately, his arms around me, asking, “Are you all right, love?”

“And what did you see?” Madam Burial asked, her tone conversational and teasing.

“How much did you take?” I said, my voice low and dark. I had a sudden vision of what it would be like to rip her throat out with my blunt Pinky teeth.

“Just five years,” she said. “A pittance. I’m surprised you even noticed. Yet.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She giggled, a high, mad sound. The hair on my arms rose.

“Can’t you feel it, little kitten? Doesn’t time here seem to run fast for you? Haven’t you noticed the crow’s feet marching across your face? That locket draws the years from you as surely as my hands. You’ll wither in his arms yet, if you don’t make your choice soon. Or break the locket.”

Wicked As They Come is a little closer to the romance genre than I usually read. I mean no disrespect to the readers and hard-working writers in the romance genre! I have the utmost respect for you folks; it’s just not a genre I seek out. I will admit, if I had randomly run across it at the bookstore, I probably wouldn’t have picked it up, purely because the cover art ”¦ is not to my tastes. But at least it’s a shadowy figure of a guy in a top hat and a frock coat (over his bare chest), instead of one of the never-ending “moody” images of a woman’s headless torso, which seems to be a standard cover art trope for a lot of vampire-themed novels? I fully own my cliches about being a fan of “trashy” vampire fiction, but there are times when I wish the entire genre had less ridiculous cover art.

But hey, my only quibble with Wicked As They Come is the cover art! The story itself is a delightful romp, and I’ve read it a few times since it arrived in my mailbox. It’s entertaining fluff dressed up with corsets and ruffled skirts, sporting a pair of fangs, and kept company with bloodthirsty fuzzy bunnies. Sometimes, that’s exactly what I crave.

As an added bonus, Delilah L. Dawson has teamed up with Brooke, the mad genius perfumer behind Villianess Soaps, to create a line of perfumes and soaps inspired by Wicked As They Come! And oh, they all smell scrumptious. I may need to indulge in a bottle of the scent named for Criminy to add to my bath, because lounging in water scented with wine, berries, and green leaves while indulging in fluffy vampire novels sounds utterly scrumptious. Add a glass of absinthe, and it’s a perfect recipe for relaxing.

—

Speaking of cover art that makes me sigh, just a little bit: the nice folks at Orbit sent me an ARC (advance reader copy) of God Save The Queen by Kate Locke. The ARC has this nifty stylized version of the British flag on it, rusted and with bolts along the stripes, with the block capital text: THE YEAR IS 2012. QUEEN VICTORIA IS STILL ALIVE. AND SHE IS DEFINITELY NOT AMUSED. This cover, of course, is immensely enticing to my neo-Victorian Goth sensibilities. And then on the back, I saw the art for the actual release cover. Hmm. Stockings, corset, short skirt with a bustle, and a tiny top hat; why yes, I have friends who dress like that when they go out (and they look FABULOUS), but I prefer the cover for the ARC.

The reason Queen Victoria is still alive is because the Black Plague caused the European aristocracy to change and mutate into vampires and werewolves. There are humans (who are ruled by the vampires and werewolves, and they are decidedly not happy about the situation), goblins (terrifying monsters who live under the city who will feast on dead bodies, but also have a taste for more active meat), and half-breeds (children of vampires or werewolves by human courtesans who, through DNA typing, have shown they carry a recessive of the plague gene). Most half-breeds are trained to be bodyguards for their aristocratic relatives, and are just fine with protecting the status quo.

Xandra (short for Alexandra) is a half-breed, daughter to the Duke of Vardan, member of the Peerage Protectorate and the Royal Guard, and the book starts out with her going into the depths of underground London, into the lair of the goblins. Her younger sister, Dede, is been missing, and the goblins are Xandra’s best hope for finding any scrap of information about her; in addition to being creatures that everyone is warily respectful or completely terrified of, the goblins collect information. Rumor has it that the goblins can find out about anything and everything.

I shook my head, but didn’t open my mouth to vocalize my refusal. An open mouth was an invitation to a goblin to stick something in it. If you were lucky, it was only food, but once you tasted their poison you were lost. Goblins were known for their drugs — mostly their opium. They enticed weak humans with a cheap and euphoric high, and the promise of more. Goblins didn’t want human money as payment. They wanted information. They wanted flesh. There were already several customers providing entertainment for tonight’s bash. I pushed away whatever pity I felt for them — everyone knew what happened when you trafficked with goblins.

I pushed through the crowd, moving deeper into the lair despite every instinct I possessed telling me to run. I was looking for one goblin in particular and I was not going to leave without seeing him. Besides, running would get me chased. Chased would get me eaten.

As I walked, I tried not to pay too much attention to what was going on in the shadows around me. I’d seen a lot of horrible things in my two and twenty years, but the sight of hueys – humans – gorging themselves on fruit, seeds and pulp in their hair and smeared over their dirty naked skin, shook me. Maybe it was the fact that pomegranate flesh looked just like that – flesh – between stained teeth. Or maybe it was the wild delirium in their eyes as goblins ran greedy hands over their sticky bodies.

It was like a scene out of Christina Rossetti’s poem, but nothing so lyrical. Mothers knew to keep their children at home after dark, lest they go missing, fated to end up as goblin food — or worse, a goblin’s slave.

In her quest to find out what happened to Dede, Xandra finds herself entangled in plots involving the monarchy, revelations of unsavory experiments, and family secrets. There are visits to Bedlam, humans that drink plagued blood to get a temporary rush (“Bubonic Betties”), raucous times at night clubs, a charming and dangerous Alpha werewolf gentleman, glittering balls and soirees, and strangely civil conversations with goblins.

One of the things about God Save The Queen that hooked me was the mash-up of modern (well, modern-ish) technology and antique social constraints. The undead Queen Victoria and her plagued aristocrats have embraced certain parts of the modern world (especially DNA typing that allows them to determine who carries the markers to successfully bear the aristocrats’ half-breed children), but they cling to the manners and fashions of the era they’re most comfortable with. Which means Xandra and other women in the Peerage Protectorate must wear corsets and bustled gowns when they’re working as bodyguards during balls for the upper class, but those bustles do provide very convenient hiding places for their guns. Outside of guarding the aristos, clothing has a more “modern” style, but still with a Victorian flavor.

Inside the big top the bar was a series of small stages and one large platform in the centre – that was where the headlining act performed. There were tables in front of each area, and not one of them was empty. A large sign just inside the door warned — in a very sideshow script – that touching the performers was strictly prohibited, as was any form of harassment, and that any persons committing such acts would be ejected from the club immediately, and subsequently banned from returning.

Everyone was dressed for a night on the town, glittering under the dim coloured lights. I hadn’t seen so many short bustled skirt or brightly coloured corsets in a long time. Aristo women generally stuck to the old way of wearing corsets as undergarments, rather than sporting flashy ones over their clothes. They didn’t show quite so much stockinged leg either. The gents in the club wore kilts and long trousers. Some had mutton chops, which were back in vogue, while others were clean-shaven right down to their skulls.

God Save The Queen is a lot of fun. As soon as I finished it, I was already impatient for the sequel (which was just released on February 5th, and is perched on the top of my To Be Read pile). Oh yes, it’s the first in a series, but God Save The Queen does a good job of standing on its own as a single story. It’s a fast-paced adventure story with a snarky, competent heroine and Victorian-ish airs, graces, and fashions. In other words, it’s almost custom-designed to be book-catnip for me. The last few books that made me this gleeful and eager to get my friends to read them were Soulless by Gail Carriger, and The Night Circus by Erin Morganstern.

As I said, both Wicked As They Come and God Save The Queen were sent to me for review, but they were both so much fun that they immediately became part of my comfort-rereading stack. God Save The Queen for when I’m in the mood for bustles and shoot-outs, and Wicked As They Come for when I want fluffy, slightly-racy romance along with my vampires. Which leads me to ask: do you like the paranormal romance genre? Tell me about your favorite books from it, because comments are open! (And, as always, moderated.)

Posted in Book Reviews, Nocturnal House, Reviews | Tagged , , , , | 23 Comments

Of Assorted Questions From Younger Readers

Posted on January, 2013 by Lady of the Manners

Hello Snarklings! Oh gracious, it’s 2013. The Lady of the Manners apologizes for the break in updates here at Gothic Charm School, and is starting to suspect that perhaps she should just schedule an Official Late Autumn/Early Winter Break -type thing, because she is fairly certain she has had this sort of lapse before.

Anyway! All sorts of things are in the works here at Gothic Charm School — plans for interviews, reviews of music, clothing, cosmetics, books, dolls, and of course, answering reader letters! There are some rather serious topics that are going to be featured in upcoming posts, but the Lady of the Manners decided that the first post of 2013 should be more of a mixed assortment of questions from some of the younger readers of Gothic Charm School. (As always, the Lady of the Manners will do her utmost to not respond to queries from younger readers with coos of “Oh my goodness, you’re adorable!”, because she remembers what it was like to be a youngster with goth tendencies and wanting to be taken seriously.)

The first letter answered in 2013 is from ClaireMetalVeil:

Hello, Lady Of The Manners. My name is Claire and I am a 10 year old fan of yours :D. When I first told my mother I wanted too be goth, she didn’t care and just said ”It’s your choice”. I was so happy 😀 ,but I was just wondering something. How long will I be a baby-bat for? And, considering I’m only 10 how do I get gothic outfits? Do I make them? Do I try and find a store that does all sizes …or will I just co-ordinate :-]?

-Your Biggest Fan ,ClaireMetalVeil.

The Lady of the Manners is delighted to hear that your mother is accepting of you being a Goth, Claire! Far too often the Lady of the Manners has read letters from other young Goths that talk about their parents not approving of how they want to express themselves or their interest in darker-themed music, books, and fashion. The Lady of the Manners fervently hopes that your mother will continue to be accepting of your gothness, and that she will also be supportive and help you express yourself.

Now, as to your questions: How long will you be considered a babybat? In the Lady of the Manners’ eye, you’ll be a babybat until you’re 21. The Lady of the Manners, along with many other Elder Goths, uses the term “babybat” as an affectionately-meant term for younger Goths. “Babybat” has nothing to do with how long someone has been interested in Goth or has been expressing their gothy tendencies, it’s entirely a reflection of age, like the terms “pre-teen” or “teenager”.

There are other people who try to use the term “babybat” as an insult, or as a slur and a slight against anyone they think is Less Goth Than They Are. The Lady of the Manners thinks that usage is not only rude and unkind, but is also ridiculous. As the Lady of the Manners keeps saying, there is no Goth Cabal that awards Goth Points or keeps an ordered list of Who Is Gother Than Someone Else, and people who belittle others are trying to hide their insecurity behind a mask of haughty elitism.

So! Yes, dear Claire, you are a babybat, and will be a babybat until you’re 21. Yes, it’s a bit arbitrary to link babybat-dom to drinking age, but that’s the birthday where the rest of the world considers someone an adult, and it generally means you are (finally!) able to attend gothy nightclubs. Being a Goth does not hinge upon being able to go out clubbing, not at all, but it is an important milestone.

How do you get Gothic outfits at your age? The Lady of the Manners suspects that you’re going to need to content yourself with finding basics in black (leggings, skirts, t-shirts and blouses), then add finishing touches to them. Add lace trim and ribbons, rows of safety pins, or interesting buttons. Don’t be afraid to ask your mother for help! Sit down with her at the computer and show her the sorts of clothing you’re interested in (keeping in mind that some of the more elaborate/racy elements of Goth fashion are not particularly age-appropriate for a babybat), and maybe go onto Polyvore to create some idealized clothing sets to get an idea of what options are out there.

Should you make your Gothic outfits? The Lady of the Manners strongly believes that everyone should learn how to sew, so of course her answer is YES! Just remember that no one is able to turn out a perfectly-finished item at first, so don’t let the inevitable mistakes and complications fill you with despair, just keep trying. (And as a final bit of sewing advice, do NOT try to sew anything from chiffon, vinyl, or velvet for your first few projects. Those are notoriously tricky fabrics to work with, and have been known to cause experienced sewing-types to succumb to tantrums of rage. Stick with cotton blends at first!)

Good luck, Claire! The Lady of the Manners hopes that you keep exploring the Goth subculture as you grow older, and that you never lose sight of who you want to be.

—

The next letter is from a teenage Goth looking for advice about meeting other Goths:

Dear The Lady of Manners,
I am a mature 15 year old goth and am well past my baby bat years. I had been involved in the subculture for about two years now. I live in a small community outside of LA where i am the only goth. I have been wanting to start socializing with the gothic community, but i don’t know how to start seeing that most Gothicly inclined events are 18+. I want to meet people who have a common interest of Goth. How should I go about this?
Sincerely,
A Teenage Goth

Oh gracious, Dear Snarkling, you’re still a babybat. (And there’s nothing wrong with that!) It is difficult to be the only Goth in your community, and even more so when your options for socializing are further restricted by age. There is, of course, finding like-minded creatures on the internet (the Lady of the Manners has been delighted to discover there’s a thriving Goth community of all ages on Tumblr), but sometimes you want more than talking to people on the other side of the computer screen.

A quick Google of “L.A. Goth all ages” turned up a listing for an event that the Lady of the Manners has heard of: Wumpskate, which is “L.A.’s only all-ages Goth, Industrial, EBM, Alternative monthly rollerskating event!”. Even if you don’t roller skate, it would still be a chance to meet up with other gothy types and socialize. If you do go, ask people you meet if there are other options for all-ages events, or if there are message boards or FB groups that are for Goths in your area. Discovering any sort of online social groups for spooky types in your area is very important, because once you know they’re out there, you can take the lead in organizing all-ages events. Go to the zoo! Hold a fancy-dress picnic in a local park! Movie outings! Just meeting up and chatting at a coffee shop! The most important thing is finding out where the rest of the gothy people are in relation to your location, and building friendships with them.

The Lady of the Manners is well-aware that the socializing and events options in the general Goth community are aimed at those who are over 18, and agrees that it’s extremely frustrating. Which is why she encourages you to reach out and find other people online, and start organizing events and meet-ups! Who knows, there may be other Goths your age nearby who are suffering the same frustrations as you, and will be thrilled to bits if you come out of the shadows and seek them out.

—

For the final letter of this first post of 2013, here’s a Snarkling with some musical questions:

Hello Lady of the Manners. I love gothic music, fashion, literature, worldview and culture. I discovered goth during winter break, and I just realized I wanted to do this. I’m in the stage of trying to ease my parents into it (black and purple turtlenecks, etc.) before I give them the Goth Talk. About the gothic music part of it; I adore the gothic music I’ve found, particularly Faith and the Muse. One of the bands I found before I discovered Goth was, as an example, Evanescence. I realised quickly this was a band apparently frowned upon by the gothic culture. I don’t think of them as a really Goth band, but I just think their songs are really pretty. I am very open to everything Goth, but my life has always been kind of all about music. I have a lot of good memories associated with My Chemical Romance, Evanescence, and the old stuff like Simon & Garfunkel and all the old Christian rock bands from the 80s and 90s. Should I try to ease myself out of my old music, or do a mix, or what? I feel really ignorant of what good snarklings should do.

What should a good Snarkling do in this instance? Listen to whatever music makes them happy! Yes, explore Goth music (the Lady of the Manners especially approves of you adoring Faith and the Muse!), but don’t feel you must give up all music that isn’t officially deemed “Goth” by the nonexistent Goth Cabal. If there is anyone out there who only listens to “Goth music”, the Lady of the Manners pities them, because they’re missing out on a universe of wonderful, amazing, catchy music by being so narrow-minded.

Yes, the Goth subculture as we know it today sprang from the punk/post-punk music scenes. Yes, there are “Goth” bands; however no one can agree on the Final Definitive Goth Band List! Do we respect the wishes of the musicians themselves and say that certain musical acts that Goths hold dear aren’t actually Goth? If so, that removes The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and The Sisters of Mercy from the list. Do we say that any band that didn’t start in the 80s is disqualified? Then say goodbye to Voltaire, Sopor Aeternus (well, they did start in 1989), Faith and the Muse, Creature Feature, and Switchblade Symphony. What about bands that feature broad-reaching musical influences, such as Dead Can Dance or Nox Arcana? As you can see, trying to figure out what bands should be filed under “Goth” is an impossible task, one that has kept Elder Goths bickering amongst themselves since someone adopted an all-black wardrobe and smudged on some eyeliner.

As for listening to bands that are “frowned upon” by the Gothic culture: piffle. Again, listen to the music you like, and don’t worry about what other people think. For example: while the Lady of the Manners doesn’t listen to Evanescence (there’s something about Amy Lee’s voice that grates on the Lady of the Manners’ ears), she would never tell someone else that they couldn’t or shouldn’t listen to them! And the Lady of the Manners is a, well, let’s just say fervent, fan of My Chemical Romance, and cheerfully ignores anyone who rolls their eyes at her for enjoying their music. (Also, if pushed, she will also launch into a detailed explanation of the Gothic themes and images that are scattered all through MCR’s music and videos. The Lady of the Manners wasn’t kidding about being a fervent fan of theirs.)

Another example: the Lady of the Manners tends to prefer music that is swirly and/or heavy on guitars. Alex is of the Lady of the Manner’s dearest, oldest friends and fellow Elder Goth is a devotee of electronica and EBM. (Or as the Lady of the Manners fondly mocks it, “tweedly-beep-oontz-oontz”.) At nights out at the club, you can find us indulging in histrionic mock-fights over Real Goth Music, then giggling delightedly at each other, and then stalking purposefully to the dance floor when a song that both of us enjoys starts up. (Never, ever get between us and the dance floor when “Ribbons” by Sisters of Mercy or “Face to Face” by Siouxsie and the Banshees is played. We’ll knock you over en route.)

Be aware of the long and tangled history of Goth music. (The Lady of the Manners recommends taking a look at Mick Mercer’s books on the early days of the Goth music scene!)Be willing to give something a listen to see if it strikes your fancy. Always try to support independent artists, because creating music and getting it out there is a difficult and stressful thing. But at the end of it all, listen to whatever makes you happy at that moment. And if that happens to be something Not Goth, so what?

—

Goodness, answering that last letter has made the Lady of the Manners feel like she should put on the least Goth music that she owns and sing along with it at the top of her lungs. Disney movie soundtracks it is! But while she’s indulging in that, feel free to read through the archives, or perhaps write a letter to Gothic Charm School.

Posted in General, Growing Pains | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Of Scary Books and Becoming Who You Want To Be.

Posted on November, 2012 by Lady of the Manners

Hello Snarklings! The Lady of the Manners hopes that all of you had a delightful Halloween holiday, and that if you went for the post-Halloween clearance sales you were able to stock up on all sorts of goodies. (The Lady of the Manners stocked up on spooky paper napkins and vampire-themed cupcake wrappers.)

This installment of Gothic Charm School is going to focus on some questions from the younger readers, and no, it’s not just going to be the Lady of the Manners exclaiming “Awwww, precious little babybats!” (Though in the interests of honesty and full disclosure, that is the first automatic reaction the Lady of the Manners has when reading letters from the younger Goths. She simply can’t can’t help herself.)

The first letter is from a young Goth going by the name of Black, with some questions about creepy books:

Hello lady of the manners, i am calling myself Black because i am uncomfortable with using my real name on the internet. I have a problem, I like to read ghost stories but when i read them i become paranoid at night. I don’t at all believe in ghost but i still get frightened at night. i don’t get frightened in the morning though. please help me.

from,
Black

P.S I am ten and a big fan of your book. 0 0

Dearest Black, being frightened by the ghost stories is a completely appropriate reaction for anyone! Ghost stories are supposed to be eerie and frightening. Well, yes, there are all sorts of lighthearted and/or comedic ghost stories (Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, and so on), but at the core, ghost stories are about something unnatural. Supernatural. In other words, unsettling.

So you read the ghost stories, and then at night, as you lay there in the dark, you are filled with a creeping sense of unease that something is wrong? That there are monstrous, not-very-pleasant things waiting for you to drift off so they can pounce? The Lady of the Manners can completely sympathize with your plight, being a long-time fan of the horror genre and someone who is easily creeped out. The first suggestion the Lady of the Manners has for you is blindingly obvious, but she feels she must state it: stop reading the ghost stories. Or at least, don’t read them right before you go to bed. Sometimes, no matter how much you like a certain type of story, you need to take a break from it for the sake of your mental health and sleep patterns. For example, the Lady of the Manners loves the fiction of Caitlin R. Kiernan, or The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, but the Lady of the Manners has learned the difficult and sleepless lesson that she simply cannot read those things after dark.

What if you don’t want to give up reading the things that scare you? Then you need to accept that once darkness falls, your hindbrain is going to do its utmost to freak you out, and come up with ways to reassure yourself. Please note that the Lady of the Manners did not say “convince yourself there’s nothing to be scared of”, because she has yet to meet anyone who has managed to pull off that trick repeatedly. If you’re feeling unnerved and unsettled, it’s not only difficult to shrug that off, but it takes an immense amount of concentration and energy.

So, what can you do? Listen to music you find soothing. Get a nightlight or one of those LED candles. (Yes, really, and do not worry that having a nightlight is “silly” or “kid stuff”.) Keep a small flashlight on your bedside table or under your pillow. Keep a few favorite non-scary books in your room to read for distraction. Have a favorite stuffed animal or fuzzy companion keep you company when you go to bed. (There are many reasons the Lady of the Manners’ fanged bunny Clovis sleeps above her head at night, but her being easily unnerved by scary stories is one of them.) If your religion or faith has some sort of protective iconography, find an image of that to put near your bed so you can stare at it and focus on taking deep, controlled breaths as a form of meditation or self-hypnosis.

(Tangent time! When the Lady of the Manners was a small spooky child, and would spend nighttimes convinced that the monsters in the closet were going to join forces with ghosts and come torment her, she went to the local library, checked out books on folk magic, and spent an afternoon drawing up protective sigils with paper and crayons, then sticking them on her closet door. You know what? It worked.)

Again, the Lady of the Manners feels that telling yourself you’re being silly or dumb, and trying to convince yourself not to be scared, are all going to be counter-productive. If you can’t manage to quell your paranoia and fears through rational thought and logic (and let’s face it, not many people can change their emotional reactions through rational thought and logic), then you run the risk of spending nights feeling like you’ve failed at something in addition to feeling scared. So take it easy on yourself, have some gentle light sources nearby, and talk to your favorite stuffed animal until you fall asleep. It’s what the Lady of the Manners does from time to time.

—

The next question is from Amber, a soon-to-be-thirteen babybat who wants some advice on being more open about her gothy interests:

Dear Lady of The Manners,
I’m 12, 13 in December, so I’m a baby-bat. 🙂 Since I’m about to be 13 I’ve been wanting to be more of myself. Myself would be Goth.
Now, my dilemma is that at school I hardly act this way. I don’t want people to start asking why i went Goth, when really I’ve been goth since….the day i was born! 😀 At our school we wear uniforms but I’ve thought of a few ways of expressing my Gothyness in my wardrobe. I hope you can give a little advice on that too.
Anyway back to the real problem, I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with people asking me questions. I’m very…different i guess you can say. I’m not too shy, but i consider myself shy. So when people ask questions on how am i goth or why are you dressed like that, i feel as if they’re trying to bully me. I’m not quite sure what to say or how to take it. Please Help!
Yours truly,
Amber, (baby-bat)

Look! She calls herself a babybat! The Lady of the Manners doesn’t have to feel like she’s being inadvertently and unintentionally patronizing when she uses the term! (Because the Lady of the Manners always calls someone a “babybat” as a term of affection, but worries that she will cause hackles to be raised in some of the younger Gothic Charm School readers when it’s always meant with love!)

Anyway, onto Amber’s questions. How are you supposed to deal with people asking you questions about how are you Goth or why are you dressed like that? Well, the Lady of the Manners favors the direct approach, so she suggests look the questioner straight in the eyes, say “Because it’s who I want to be”, and leave it at that. You shouldn’t feel like you have to justify who you are or what you are interested in to anyone. The Lady of the Manners realizes that things don’t always work like that in the real world, but she still recommends starting out with that simple, direct answer.

You say that when people ask you those questions, you feel as if they’re trying to bully you. The Lady of the Manners understands that reaction. Let’s face it, being almost thirteen, shy, and wanting to express more of your gothy tendencies almost assures that there will be people trying to bully you, which is a sad, sad thing. Which again, is why the Lady of the Manners is so adamant about sticking with the direct approach. Don’t let people asking you questions make you feel intimidated, or like you aren’t allowed to express yourself. Own your weirdness. Who cares if the other students are confused by you expressing your gothiness? You shouldn’t, because you know who you are and who you want to be. Yes, it’s easy for the Lady of the Manners, with the horrors of adolescence safely in her past, to say that, but that doesn’t change the essential truth of it. If you show that you’re happy or secure with yourself, questions and possible bullying from other people become less ”¦ harrowing? Less important and soul-crushing, at least.

This is actually one of the biggest, most important things the Lady of the Manners wants to impart to everyone out there. Know who you are, know who you want to be, and be true to that. Don’t worry about “fitting in”, or what other people will think. Those other people may stare, point fingers, make comments, or ask pointed questions, and that DOESN’T MATTER. That’s what people do to anyone who is even slightly different from what “they” are used to, no matter if the different person is flamboyantly Goth, has an accent, is a gamer, a comic fan, a fervent sports fan ”¦ you get the picture. And since the default setting of people is to point out and question anyone who is different than what they expect, getting overwrought about it is fruitless. So make yourself the best possible version of who you want to be. Not only will you be happier in the long run, but you’ll almost certainly end up finding like-minded people to communicate with.

As to how to show your true Goth colors while in a school uniform? Sadly, there’s not a lot you can do, because a school uniform is generally there to help make the students a homogenized mass, not to celebrate differences in outlook or opinion. If your school dress code permits it, add badges and buttons that signify your interests to your shirts, or on the strap of your book bag. Wear stripey tights or socks to school. Paint your nails your favorite color. (If your school dress code forbids nail polish, paint your toenails and know that they’re your little gothy secret.) But mostly, just grimly accept that you’ll have to indulge in the majority of your Goth indulgences for when you’re not at school.

—

The Lady of the Manners is opening up the comments on this post, because she hopes that the Gothic Charm School readers will have suggestions or words of encouragement for Black and for Amber. Just like always, the comments are going to be MODERATED.

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to finally get around to writing up another visit to the Nocturnal House and to the Doll House (she still hasn’t figured out a good way to combine the two). And hey look! A handy correspondence link for those of you who want to write to Gothic Charm School!

Posted in General, Growing Pains | 40 Comments

Gothic Charm School at Steamcon 2012!

Posted on October, 2012 by Lady of the Manners

Steamcon! Yes, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to be attending Steamcon during October 26-28th! In addition to exclaiming gleefully over people’s outfits and costumes, browsing for enticing goodies in the vendors room, and watching musical acts, the Lady of the Manners is going to be participating in panels! Here is when and where to find her:

Friday, October 26th

Jillian Venters Autograph Session
Autograph Table (near Artist Alley) 6:00 PM – 7:00 PM

Wardrobe Rescue!
Auditorium 8:00 PM – 9:00 PM

Need DIY advice? Have an idea for a great outfit, but you don’t know how to start? Want to modify your clothes, but can’t sew? Ask the panelists and the crowd for suggestions, problem-solving, and where to find resources.

Saturday, October 27th

Teatime at the Sanatorium
Grand A-J 2:00 PM – 3:45 PM

Poor Lady Adderly, The strain of Victorian life have been too much for her delicate constitution. To help her recover she’s taking a little rest at her favorite… spa. We’ve noticed that you are looking a little peaked as well, but fear not. We have just the prescription. Join Lady Adderly for Teatime at the sanatorium for her favorite elixir and nibbles. She remains the consummate hostess and she invites you to a wonderful tea in her …well-padded surroundings. There will be music and a best Victorian Monster Costume Competition for your amusement and relaxation.
Note: You must have a ticket to attend this event.

Vampires: The Ancestors Vlad and Varney
Regency C 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM

A look at some of the lesser-known and early vampire stories and legends that helped shape the literary genre.

Gothic Charm School Reading
Maple 8:00 PM – 9:00 PM

Advice for Goths, Steampunks, and other well-dressed eccentrics.

Sunday, October 28th

Steamgoth: More than Goths with Goggles?
Regency A 1:00 PM – 2:00 PM

What is Steamgoth and how does it differentiate itself from Goth and Steampunk? Come find out from those who are drawn to the darker side of Steampunk.

Posted in Events | Leave a comment

Show and Tell: Frankenweenie!

Posted on October, 2012 by Lady of the Manners

Through a very nice bit of luck, I was at a sneak preview of Frankenweenie, the new stop-motion animated movie from Tim Burton. The very short version of the review is this: Frankenweenie is Tim Burton’s best work in years, perhaps since Big Fish. Go, go see it!

Now for the longer version of this review: the original incarnation of Frankenweenie was made in 1984, and was a live-action short film produced by Buena Vista (which was an offshoot of the Disney Empire). It was an homage to Frankenstein, and was about a young boy named Victor who made monster movies starring his beloved pet dog, Sparky. After Sparky is hit by a car and tragically killed, Victor decides to put recent science class lessons about electrical impulses and muscles to the test, by bringing Sparky back to life during a lightning storm. Victor is thrilled and his parents are concerned, but the neighbors are terrified. Sparky runs away, with Victor in pursuit, while the uneasy neighbors form the quintessential angry mob and chase them to the local mini-golf course. The boy and his dog hide in the windmill; one of the neighbors, using a cigarette lighter to look inside, sets the windmill aflame. Victor falls and is knocked unconscious, but Sparky drags him to safety, only to be crushed by the falling debris of the windmill. The angry mob of villagers neighbors realize that they were wrong about the valiant Sparky, and band together to use their cars and jumper cables to bring the heroic dog back to life again.

Frankenweenie was cute, and contained the seeds of many Tim Burton tropes. However, the Powers That Be at Disney thought the movie was too scary for young audiences; they shelved the film and fired Tim Burton. After the mainstream successes Burton had with Beetlejuice, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, and Batman, Disney released Frankenweenie to the home video market, and it’s now available as a special feature on the DVD and Blu-Ray of Nightmare Before Christmas.

The story obviously never left Tim Burton’s mind, and expanding it into a full-length stop-motion animated feature has been a labor of love for him; that love shines through every frame of the new Frankenweenie. Not just his love of classic horror movies and animation, but his love for his childhood pet dog who was hit by a car. Frankenweenie plays with some of the same emotional notes as Big Fish: how do you cope with the horrible blankness that takes over after losing someone you love? The movie is utterly heart-wrenching in places, and having that emotional truth at the core of the story gave it far more depth than I had expected.

I knew that Frankenweenie was going to be a visual treat. I am a huge fan of Tim Burton’s artistic vision, and I wasn’t disappointed there. The movie is done entirely in black and white. I admit, I was half-expecting there to be some sudden pops of color throughout the movie – perhaps the flames of the burning windmill, or bright blue-white sparks of electricity – but the black and white animation strangely makes the story feel less cartoony and more grounded in reality.

The black and white film is also just one of a swarm of homages to classic horror movies. In addition to the whole idea being a tribute to Frankenstein, there are nods to Dracula, The Mummy, The Creature From The Black Lagoon, Gamera, and subtle hat-tips to Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, and Peter Lorre.

Oh, and there’s another thing to pique the interest of gothy types: not only is the soundtrack classic Danny Elfman spooky monster circus music, but the Frankenweenie Unleashed! companion soundtrack has Robert Smith of The Cure doing his very best loung-lizard interpretation of the classic song “Witchcraft”.

Is Frankenweenie a good movie for the extremely-younger set? Should you take the itsy-bitsy babygoths you know to it? I think it’s appropriate for kids of all ages: yes, it’s a movie about reanimating the dead, but it’s a very sweet, heartfelt story, and I think it’s going to become a Halloween classic. (Well, a Halloween classic for people who think spooky cartoons are only for Halloween. Those of us with a more elegantly macabre worldview will happily watch this movie any time of the year.)

Posted in Amusements, Reviews | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment