Hello and happy 2009, Snarklings! May this year be kind and the best sort of exciting for everyone. This installment of Gothic Charm School isn’t the usual sort of lesson; no, it’s a short list of places on the Web that the Lady of the Manners is fond of. Blogs she likes to check, places she likes to window (and tab) shop, that sort of thing. You see, the Lady of the Manners is working on writing up the next lesson for Gothic Charm School (a number of you have written with questions concerning Goth and religion), but she thought that while she was working on that topic, you Snarklings might like to see where the Lady of the Manners goes for distraction and gothy eye candy.

So! A blog that the Lady of the Manners has been devoted to since it first appeared on the web is Coilhouse. Describing itself as “A love letter to alternative culture, written in an era when alt culture no longer exists”, Coilhouse is a website and a print magazine. The site is full of interesting videos, music, art, images from gorgeous and quirky fashion shoots, and essays about Goth and other subcultures. The contributors to Coilhouse have a knack for digging up links to fascinating creations, while the print magazine is a gorgeously glossy collection of ephemera. The Lady of the Manners isn’t kidding when she says she’s devoted to Coilhouse; her daily online routine goes something like this: check email, check LiveJournal, scan Twitter, and then scoot over to Coilhouse to see what they’ve found today.

Recently, the step after looking at Coilhouse has been look at Haute Macabre, which is a relative newcomer to the Goth and fashion blog world, and is making a very impressive debut. Haute Macabre is primarily focused on fashion, and oh! The gorgeous things they’ve unearthed. From posting scans of Goth-themed luxe photo shoots in past issues of House and Garden Magazine to featuring designers making rings that look like tiny Gothic cathedrals, Haute Macabre presents some of the best bits of gothy eye candy and inspiration that the Lady of the Manners has seen in a while.

Speaking of gothy eye candy and inspiration, it’s time for the Lady of the Manners to talk about the site that she has lost spent countless hours on: Etsy. Etsy’s tagline is “Your place to buy & sell all things handmade”, but it could just as easily be described as “Pages and pages of things you didn’t know you wanted, but now you covet desperately”. The Lady of the Manners likes browsing Etsy not just because she likes to window-shop, but because looking at what other people have come up with and created can lead to new ideas and inspiration. Not, the Lady of the Manners would like to stress, stealing or copying other people’s ideas, because that is Very Bad Form. (The Lady of the Manners is sure you knew that, Snarklings, but still felt it needed to be said.) But looking at someone else’s creation can often lead one to creative projects that one hadn’t though of trying before.

Of course, Etsy is also good for window-shopping. Very, very good. The Lady of the Manners is currently coveting and pining over a collection of gorgeous objects, all of which she can’t quite justify spending the money on. That isn’t to say the Lady of the Manners thinks these items aren’t worth their asking prices, not at all! There is no doubt that the artisans who created these confections deserve every penny they’re asking for, and if the Lady of the Manners had a large amount of frivolous spending money, she would be merrily adding every one of these goodies to her Etsy shopping cart. But instead, the Lady of the Manners must content herself with staring longingly and saving up her pennies.

Gothic Victorian Noir Feather Bat Skull Cameo Brooch Fascinator by Loved To Death Really, what’s not to like here? Feathers, black velvet, and a bat skull!

The Florence - Victorian Top Hat by Topsy Turvy Designs The Lady of the Manners is lucky enough to already own one hat by Topsy Turvy, and dreams of owning many more. Burgundy velvet and pink trimmings! It would go with so many things in the Lady of the Manners’ Cupcake Gothic -themed wardrobe.

The Carrion - Jet Black Gothic Lolita Victorian Collar by cadavercouture This is just drop-dead elegant. The Lady of the Manners would wear it over a severe Victorian-esque jacket and full skirts.

Antoinette’s Dream Tricorn Mini Ship Tilt Hat by heysailor THE tiny hat of the Lady of the Manners’ fevered dreams. Pink! With black & white stripy accents! And a miniature pirate ship! Certainly not something for everyday attire, but a stunning conversation piece. The Lady of the Manners is not joking when she states that she goes and ogles this hat at least once a day.

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to take a short break to browse around Etsy a bit more, and then get back to writing the next lesson for Gothic Charm School. As always, don’t forget to write!

Hello Snarklings! Goodness, the Lady of the Manners has a whole bundle of letters to answer from readers. Yes, the Lady of the Manners had intended to sit down and write up replies to them in a slightly more timely fashion, but was distracted by such things as squee-ing over a new sewing machine and needing to bake gingerbread bats. Not to mention that whole day job thing. But! The Lady of the Manners has resolved to resist the siren calls of new fabric (pink skull brocade!) and a recipe for absinthe-flavored marshmallows, and instead focus on answering Snarklings’ questions. (Because she does like doing that just as much as sewing or baking; it’s just that sewing and baking require a smidge less concentration.)

The first letter is from a young lady named Courtney:

question: I am 17 years old, and disabled. Due to the fact that I am disabled, there is no opportunity for me being on my own. My mother is understanding of my disability, and of all aspects of my life, with my “Gothiness” being an exception. I have not attended school for several years, being on the Home Bound program as an alternative. I will receive SSI Disability immediately upon turning 18. It has already been awarded to me.

I most likely will be unable to drive myself anywhere, because of my disability, but I want to go out in public as I like. Why is mother doing this? Why is she so ashamed? I have attempted to reason with her, to no avail. Anything I say is countered with, “That’s not the point! You’re selfish! What if people I know see you? What you see in the mirror is warped. Other people don’t see that when they look at you. How on Earth could you perceive that as flattering? I think it’s horrible! Are you doing this on purpose? My life is ruined forever! I shouldn’t have to be embarrassed. Don’t you consider what you’re doing to other people?” Please help.

Oh Courtney, the Lady of the Manners winced when she read your email. As the Lady of the Manners suspects you are probably already well aware, part of your mother’s reaction sounds very much like it has nothing to do with the makeup? That it almost certainly is rooted in her (probably unacknowledged) concerns and issues about your disability. The phrase from your letter that leapt out at the Lady of the Manners and made her think this is ”She states she would much rather have a “blonde-haired normal daughter …”

You see, your mother probably worries that your disability will make people treat you differently than other people; a worry that is not unreasonable. Since she can’t “fix” you and make it so you can have a “normal” life (for values of “normal” meaning with just the average sort of ups and downs), she wants to try and ensure that you won’t deal with even more unwanted (and possibly unwelcome) attention. Which the Lady of the Manners can understand; you’re her child, and of course she wants to shield you from unwanted and potentially negative attention. But … there’s no other way to put this; your mother is the one being selfish here. She is ignoring what you want, and is trying to make you feel guilty for what you prefer by stating that you’re ”ruining her life”. You say that you’ve attempted to reason with her, so the Lady of the Manners suggests that you start being completely honest and blunt with her. Point out to her that you don’t appreciate her trying to make you feel guilty for what you like. Tell her that no one’s life has been “ruined” by someone else’s cosmetic choices. Tell her that when she complains about wanting a ”blonde-haired normal daughter”, it feels like she’s complaining not just about your makeup, but also about your disability. And finally, gently (or not-so-gently, depending on your mood) explain to her that you are expressing yourself through your flamboyant cosmetics because it makes you happy, that you are old enough to make your own choices about such things, and that she is being the selfish one in this situation.

Will all of this magically make your mother understand your side of the argument? The Lady of the Manners is sad to say, probably not. But these sorts of things must be said to your mother, because she needs to accept that you are your own person, with choices and tastes that don’t always align with her wishes. The Lady of the Manners hopes that this discussion with your mother goes as well as it possibly can. Please write back and tell her how it went.

- - -

The next letter is a request for fashion advice from a young lady named Jinxella:

Dear Lady Manners,

Jinxella

How to wear skirts with your combat boots? Dear Jinxella, you just wear them! Many Goths (including the Lady of the Manners) consider combat boots to be a basic style of footwear that can be worn with just about anything. (The Lady of the Manners has a personal preference for Victorian-esque boots in her own wardrobe, but that’s because she’s a devotee of pointier toes than are found on combat boots.)

As for dressing in a more feminine manner than your usual wardrobe … firstly, are your t-shirts more boxy-shaped than fitted? Altering your shirts to fit your figure will add a more feminine touch to them. If you’re handy with a needle and thread, you can transform the neckline of a regular tee into a more scoop-necked one, drawing the new neckline on the inside of the tee with tailor’s chalk before you take the scissors to it, of course! (The Lady of the Manners usually makes the lowest part of the “scoop” at the front about 3” below the top of the original neckband.) If you want to get really fancy, you can add narrow lace trim to the new neckline and on the sleeves.

Other feminine touches you could try is adding tops that are t-shirt like to your wardrobe: the same sort of cut and stretchy-ness as a fitted t-shirt, but in stretch velvet or a silky knit. Wear a dressy blazer or jacket with your t-shirts, jeans, and skirts, add a handful of sparkly brooches to the lapel, or tuck a lacy handkerchief into the breast pocket). Start accumulating more “feminine” jewelry, such as strands of vintage faux pearls or ornate bracelets, and accessorize your current wardrobe with them. Of course, an extremely simple way to make your jeans and tees look more feminine is to wear simple, but striking, makeup, such as eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick.

The important thing to keep in mind is to make sure you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing. While the Lady of the Manners is a big fan of frills and flounces, she is well-aware that they aren’t for everyone, and if you’re wearing something that makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable, the outfit just won’t look right on you, no matter how much effort you’ve put into it.

- - -

The final letter in this episode of the Gothic Charm School mailbox is from Elizabeth, asking how to deal with someone trying to imitate you and doing it poorly:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

Elizabeth

The Lady of the Manners wishes she had a simple answer for you, Elizabeth. But honestly, there isn’t much you can do in a situation like this. There is probably nothing you can say to your sister-in-law to make her understand that you don’t view being a Goth as something to compete over. To the Lady of the Manners, it seems like your sister-in-law is drawn to Goth as a way to get a reaction from people, to get attention. Which means that if you do try to talk to her about her copying your outfits, you’ll be giving her the attention she wants. So, the Lady of the Manners suggests not talking to her about it, at all. Don’t comment on it, and try to act as if you don’t even notice what she’s doing. If someone (even your sister-in-law) mentions the similarity in your styles to you, then smile and say something like “Oh yes, I’d noticed. I think it’s sweet that she likes my clothing so much”. Don’t even hint at feeling agitated. Because by appearing to be unconcerned by her attempts at being the Scariest, Spookiest Goth In The Family, you will show that you are merely being true to yourself and your interests, and not trying to get everyone’s attention.

If you feel very forgiving, you could take the tactic of “killing her with kindness”, and give your sister-in-law well-chosen and lovely gothy items as holiday and birthday gifts, or offer to go on a shopping trip with her and help her pick out things. That way you could show that not only are you not in any sort of competition with her over who is the Most Goth, but that you support her being who she wants to be.

- - -

That, Snarklings, is that for this installment of Gothic Charm School. The Lady of the Manners is going to go look at her snowy back yard, make a cup of cocoa with rose marshmallows, stare longingly some more at photos of a particular mini tricorn hat that is adorned with a tiny pirate ship, and then read some more letters from the Gothic Charm School mailbox. In addition to reminding you to feel free to write to Gothic Charm School, the Lady of the Manners also wants to remind all of you of the Gothic Charm School Café Press store!

Exciting news, Snarklings! Coming to bookstores in June 2009, the Gothic Charm School book! Gothic Charm School - An Essential Guide For Goths and Those Who Love Them, published by HarperCollins.

As you might guess, the Lady of the Manners is giddy with excitement about the upcoming Gothic Charm School book, and hopes that all of you are too. Because you see, this book isn’t a mere collection of assorted columns from the history of this site, gracious no! The Gothic Charm School book is full of all sorts of new goodies, and artwork by the Lady of the Manners’ dear husband, noted fantasy artist Pete Venters. (He created all the artwork for this website.)

The Lady of the Manners is also delighted to announce that she’s a special guest columnist in the Winter 2009 English-language Gothic & Lolita Bible from TOKYOPOP! As you Snarklings who are regular readers know, the Lady of the Manners is quite fond of EGL (Elegant Gothic Lolita) and EGA (Elegant Gothic Aristocrat) fashions, so being asked to contribute to the Gothic & Lolita Bible was a treat and an honor.

—

The Lady of the Manners had a wonderful time at Bats Day In The Fun Park, and meeting some of you Snarklings made a fun-filled weekend even better. The Lady of the Manners has always wanted to attend Bats Day, but the previous events were usually held in the height of summer. As a delicate native of the Pacific Northwest with a wardrobe full of petticoats, the prospect of summertime in Anaheim, California, canceled out the enticement of the sight of Disneyland swarming with fellow Goths. But oh, the Lady of the Manners is so glad she attended this year! The sight of 1,282 Goths standing in line for the Haunted Mansion is a memory that will bring a smile to her face for years to come.

This is just a quick note, Snarklings, to let you know that the Lady of the Manners is attending the 10th annual Bats Day In The Fun Park this weekend! If you’re also attending and happen to spy the Lady of the Manners wandering around, please come over and introduce yourself!

(Yes, it’s true. The Lady of the Manners loves Disneyland, and would quite happily move into the Haunted Mansion.)

Oh Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners really did intend to have this lesson at Gothic Charm School be about the basics of a Goth wardrobe, really she did. But the Lady of the Manners received letters from a few older Snarklings about a very important issue. And while certain of the Lady of the Manners’ friends would claim that very little is capable of distracting her from burbling about clothing, when faithful Gothic Charm Readers write in asking if they’re ”too old to look Goth” … well. The Lady of the Manners is honor-bound to answer such questions. So read on, and see what concerns are troubling Jennifer and Laura (and probably others of you reading right this very minute).

Dear Lady of the Manners,

Laura

Oh Jennifer and Laura, no, you are not too old to go back to your Gothic roots. Of course, the worry that you might look like a silly old bat who doesn’t know her age is perfectly understandable. Especially since many (sadly misinformed and confused) people seem to think that there’s an expiration date on someone’s gothness (”Goth until 10/31″), or that people are only allowed to express their interest in the Goth world up to about, oh, the age of 30, and then they have to ::shudder:: Grow Up. Which is complete and utter twaddle, of course. For example, gothy icons Siouxsie Sioux and Peter Murphy are over 50, for heavens’ sake!

So yes, pull those velvet blazers out of where they’re lurking in the back of the closet, and feel free to embrace the style that you like best. If you’re worried about going too over the top with what you’re doing, start slowly and add pieces of gothiness to your look bit by bit. (The aforementioned black velvet blazer is a good starting point.) One of the important things to keep in mind as an ElderGoth is to wear your gothy wardrobe, instead of letting it wear you. What on earth does the Lady of the Manners mean by that? Choose garments and accessories because you like them and they’re flattering, instead of choosing them merely because the items in question are Very Gothic Looking. One easy route to adding some shadowy glamour back into your look is to turn to Victorian-styled items. Lace blouses, flowing skirts, fitted black blazers, and ankle boots are all perfectly appropriate for office wear, yet will give you that air of a dark romantic that you want to return to. What about tailored black slacks or a fitted pencil skirt, paired with a black pinstriped crisp dress shirt, some interesting shoes, and an ornate necklace or brooch? Again, that sort of outfit would be fine in almost any corporate environment, but still allows you to subtly express your stylistic preferences.

Also, are you indulging at all in cosmetics? The Lady of the Manners isn’t talking about layering on whiteface and black lipstick (oh gracious, no!), but thinks that a good way to (re)embrace your darker aesthetic preferences is to apply at least a little bit of makeup. Some concealer, a light dusting of translucent powder, mascara, and a dark berry or wine lipstick or lip stain will help you look pulled-together, and like you’re making a deliberate style choice instead of just pulling on some random black clothing. If the idea of a dark lipstick is slightly intimidating, there are many cosmetic companies that make tinted lip balms that come in sheer (but still deep-colored) formulas.

Looking Goth does not mean that you have to wear big stompy boots, shredded fishnets, have wildly unnatural hair colors, or look like you just crept forth from your grave and are headed off to the local nightclub. There is a time and a place for those sorts of looks, and while there is NO reason that you can’t indulge in them at over 30, but as Goths of a Certain Age, try to avoid anything that looks more like clubwear unless, of course, you’re headed out to the gothy club. (The Lady of the Manners should probably mention something here about avoiding anything that looks too “costume-y”, but is self-aware enough to realize that she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on here, what with her daily wardrobe including petticoats, top hats, and velvet military-style jackets.)

As to not scaring your new friends who may not have been around for your darker-hued years … again, expressing your gothy nature a little at a time should make that a bit easier, and help them understand that you’re doing this not out of some notion of regaining your youth or regressing, but because these are aspects of yourself that you want to express again. Also, just talk to them about it. Talk about how you’ve always had a fondness for the Goth subculture, that you miss it, and that you want to bring it back into your life. If your friends are the type that haven’t been around other Goths, be prepared for some of the usual well-meaning but confused questions, and try to answer them without too much eye-rolling or head-shaking. As always, politeness matters, even when others are a bit impolite. And while the following statement is one the Lady of the Manners is used to saying to younger readers, it is pertinent here: if they’re really your friends, they’ll accept what you do and not turn their backs on you or be “scared off”. Yes, there may be some good-natured teasing and joking, but if they respond with disdain, disgust, or angry words, then they probably weren’t really your friends.

So by all means, return to your extended Addams Family! Don’t fear that you’re “too old” to be a Goth and express it. Instead, revel in the fact that you are old enough to know who you are and what you want to spend your time on, and (the Lady of the Manners hopes) secure enough to not worry about other people’s opinions. Be who you want to be; if that involves darker colors and a black velvet blazer, so much the better.

With that last bit of a pep-talk, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to return to rummaging through her closet and calling it “writing research”. But keep your eyes open for an exciting news update that will be happening soon here at Gothic Charm School! And as always, please write!

Autumn means back to school, or it least it does according to most calendars and retail establishments. Of course, for many school-age Goths, back to school also means back to being harassed about what they prefer to wear. The Lady of the Manners wishes that such annual torment were not the case, but some of the letters fluttering into the Gothic Charm School mailbox say otherwise.

The Lady of the Manners has talked about dealing with taunts, unkind comments, and bullying before. The brief recap in case you’ve forgotten: do your best to ignore whatever abuse is directed at you, don’t start fights (but defend yourself if someone starts physically attacking you), be polite to your teachers, and try to learn that your self-esteem does not need to rest upon the opinions of other people, nor does popularity at school have any tangible rewards once you’re “grown up”.

But, oh Snarklings, a letter from Maria to Gothic Charm School recounted a tale of harassment that was more than the usual sort of nonsense school-age gothlings suffer.

question: Dear Lady,

What are we to do? For the goths in our district have been banned from excessively frilly things, industrial boots, bondage pants, fishnets, certain colors of hairdye (AKA any color that humans are not born with), removing piercings, long coats and basically banning just about everything but black tee shirts and blah-ish what they deem Normal clothing for us babybats. Even some tee shirts are banned due to eccentricity. What are the babybats who enjoy variety and indulging in our frilly clothing, industrial hardware and the emos who love their piercings to do?

A school district “purging” anything Out Of The Ordinary? Forgive the Lady of the Manners, she needs a moment to stop growling and rein in her temper. The very first thing you should do is find out if there is an official district-wide dress code; if there is, get a copy of it immediately. If there isn’t, check if there are individual school dress codes and acquire copies of those. Study the dress codes very carefully. See if they specifically forbid piercings, colored hair, or black clothing. The devil, as is often said, is in the details. If any dress codes merely refer to “not appropriate and distracting”, then you have something to work with.

You see, vague language such as “not appropriate and distracting” means that you can make a case for your (and your fellow babybats’ and emos’) chosen attire being no more distracting than the skimpier clothing favored by your more mainstream classmates. But making that point will require patience, research, and a firm grip on your temper (and urge your compatriot to do the same!). When a Person In Authority at the school singles one of you out for your “inappropriate” appearance, calmly point out that the school dress code does not specifically mention whatever it is they’re raising a fuss about, and that how they are treating you could be considered discrimination.

If the assorted dress codes have spelled out that items near and dear to all of the hearts of the gothlings and emos, then start questioning the authorities in the school district as to why they consider long coats, piercings, and frilly clothing to be disruptive, but skimpy clothing and visible undergarments are not.

The Lady of the Manners must point out two very important things to keep in mind for either scenario: one, try to get your parents on your side about this. It is a sad fact that school officials will pay much more attention to your concerns if your parents agree with you and are willing to get involved in your discussions. Two, it is absolutely vital that you and the other students that are affected by these “purges” do your best to be Model Students in every other regard. The less bad behavior that school administrators have to use as examples of how your wardrobe is a detriment to learning, the stronger the point you’re trying to make will be.

But what if you’ve tried presenting your case to teachers and school administrators, and they just won’t listen? What if you are informed that certain looks Are Not Allowed? Well, if you really feel like it, you can try to generate press interest in what is going on. Take a look at the example of this star student who was suspended for dyeing her hair pink. (Admittedly, she dyed her hair in tribute to her late father who had passed away due to cancer. That sort of reason does garner more approval than someone “merely” expressing themselves.) There’s also the example of the young man being harassed at school for wearing makeup, and the support that his mother is giving him. Blog about your campaign for school rules to be applied fairly. (The Lady of the Manners doesn’t need to point out that you should do your best to write your posts in a way that does not scream “spoiled teenage whining” with every line, does she? Remember, many people will automatically dismiss your concerns because of your age and your aesthetic preferences; do what you can to disarm those knee-jerk reactions.)

Don’t feel ashamed or guilty if you don’t feel up to the effort of trying to publicize your cause to make the school district Powers That Be change their ways. It is important to recognize when something may be a lost cause and may eat up time, emotional security, and sanity that you can’t afford to lose. As galling as it is to admit this, the Lady of the Manners realizes that sometimes you have to grit your teeth and put up with nonsensical and cruelly frivolous rules, because it’s more important to concentrate on getting through whatever situation you’re in with the least amount of heartbreak and fruitless effort. If you can’t see any way around the draconian dress code, express your rebellion in whatever small ways you can during the school days (striped tights or socks, dramatic makeup, pins and buttons proclaiming your allegiances), and console yourselves with the knowledge that your school years are not forever, and that this sort of nonsense will eventually be behind you as a “character-forming” memory.

—
The next lesson here at Gothic Charm School is looking to be More Burbling About Fashion, as several Snarklings have written asking the Lady of the Manners’ opinion on what are the basics of a Goth wardrobe. So in preparation, the Lady of the Manners is going to wander off to rummage through her closets and call it “research”. As always, please write with any questions!

The October/November issue of BUST magazine has an interview with the Lady of the Manners!

The Lady of the Manners has been a fan of the funny, fierce, and always thought-provoking magazine for ages and ages, so she is very flattered to be a part of BUST’s Looks feature. Go to your local newsstand or book store, Snarklings, and pick up a copy!

Goodness, Snarklings! The Lady of the Manners has always been impressed with the Power Of The Internet that our shadowy subculture has at its communal fingers, but didn’t expect quite such the flurry of helpful responses when she asked for useful links and resources for Goths in a family way! As promised, here is a collection of the information that various kind and helpful Snarklings sent in.

It looks like the Lady of the Manners’ first instinct was correct: a pregnant Goth’s best bet for finding maternity wear is to scour any stores that she can (be they thrift or consignment shops or stores that specialize in maternity wear) for anything that appeals to her, and then personalize everything with accessories. But there are all sorts of advice and Helpful Links collected here!

From Rose:


www.velvetgarden.net

www.dracinabox.com

www.stardustkids.co.uk/acatalog/Gothic_Baby.html

www.subculturewear.com

And of course eBay.com is a good place to look! 

—

From Kimberly: You can find gothy maternity wear just about anywhere but you have to dig deep.  Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize!

With baby stuff I learned my lesson.  With all the diaper and outfit changes it’s pointless to be super picky about baby clothes.   

—

From Rachel: I’m pregnant for the second time, so I was particularly interested in your letter featuring a newly pregnant reader. She was asking for non-cutesy baby clothes and maternity wear in keeping with her personality. Would you mind if I suggested…


–She also might try buying plus-size clothing and tailor them to fit her arms, bust, and shoulders.

—
From Miss Lolita:  In your latest article you asked for links to stores that specialize in quirky/goth baby clothes, and the first website that came to mind was this: www.screamies.com
I haven’t spent much time on the website myself, but I have seen several ads for it in Gothic Beauty Magazine.

Personally though, I think the best thing goth moms-to-be can do is buy a few patterns and take up sewing, knitting, or crocheting. That way the baby or maternity clothes will turn out exactly how they want them. It would also be something to do, for those who are bedridden, or not able to spend much time on their feet.
(I know of one goth lady who went out and bought a bunch of white t-shirts, and some iron-on paper, and printed out images of cartoon-ish skulls and bats for her baby’s clothes. The good thing about this method is you have something that’s both easily washable, and aesthetically pleasing.) 

—

From Monique:  How about this place?
http://www.babywit.com/   There is some odd/dark/offbeat goodness there for sure. Big plus for having non-sweatshop merchandise, including some orgainics. 

—

From Miss Lynx:  While I’ll admit it’s not always easy, there are a few online shops I can recommend. One is Screamies, a side project of Dianna DiNoble of  Starkers corset fame. No, it’s not baby corsets (thankfully), just handmade gothy and/or punky baby clothes. Unfortunately, the Screamies site doesn’t seem to be showing up properly for me right now, but I’m hoping that’s temporary.

I’ve also heard that Sidonie Spectre of To Die For Designs is considering starting a line of gothy baby clothes, though there’s no evidence of it on her web site yet. And there’s a new site in the works from another local goth designer in my area that’s definitely going to include a few maternity- and nursing-friendly item, though I have to declare a conflict of interest on that one as I’m designing the web site for her. Anyway, it’ll be at http://www.absynthetika.com when it’s finished, probably by the end of the summer.

But definitely available now, and very much worth getting, are some of the cooler patterns on the Babyhawk site. It’s a type of baby carrier based on the traditional Chinese “mei tai”, and they have some really amazing fabrics which are a definite change from ordinary baby carriers. The “Punk” and “Oriental” fabric categories are especially worth checking out. (We went with a red koi pattern from the oriental section and black straps.) Aside from the visuals, it’s also a very well made and comfortable style of carrier, which unlike most mei tais has a neck support so it’s safe even for babies who can’t hold their heads up yet.

Another cool thing my ex found at a local store - though I can’t recall the brand name, I’ll have to check with her - was black lace nursing tops with a built-in bra that has little holes cut out for the nipples, so you can just pull the neckline down a bit to nurse the baby and have nothing on display, since the baby’s mouth covers the hole. It looks almost like they’re nursing through cloth if you don’t know how it’s constructed. They have a tank top and a long sleeve style, both black, lace-trimmed and very pretty. I’ll try to find out the brand. 

—

From Paige: As far as baby clothes go, one *could* suggest to those family members likely to be hosting a baby shower that they could gently hint to the most likely pastel offenders that Grandma and the Aunties are going to go all out with clothing so if they wouldn’t mind getting the more boring but extremely necessary items like diapers, bottles, etc…. Perhaps mention that you are trying to avoid pastels because dirt will show easier on pastels than on say jewel tones… Or just suck it up, take what you get, take a picture of baby in it so that the family member feels appreciated, and then let it be baby’s “messy” clothes (for those days when baby is spitting up all over everything or has the unfortunate condition that results in baby poo everywhere, or if they’re older self feeding or crafts time).

Maternity wear… well, the focus should be comfort, which is probably why all the t-shirts.  But stylish Gothy mom’s can also probably get away with larger sizes of styles already designed for the woman with a little extra belly, like baby-doll shirts/dresses.  Or find a friend who sews who can throw together some empire waisted sundresses in appropriate fabrics that can be paired with leggings and sweaters in colder months.  T-shirt fabric dresses may also be a comfortable compromise. 

—

From Bunny: I think that anyone’s best bet would be to look out for the “normal” maternity wear shops and source out items from them that can work.  Fortunately, there appears to be a fair amount of demand for attractive, fun and varied styles of maternity clothing, and at this time of year the Autumn/Winter styles are coming out with all the dark greys, blacks, jewel tones and the likes.

Here’s a few places I found which had potential, although it will depend on your individual preferences.



http://www.mamasandpapas.co.uk/range/new-mineral-age/2955/

http://www.dracinabox.com/searchresults/off/search/gothic+maternity+wear


http://www.bloomingmarvellous.co.uk/categoryList.aspx?CategoryID=maternity&language=en-GB



http://www.funkybumpmaternity.com/index.html



I particularly like the cape-wing nursing dress here:

http://www.isabellaoliver.com/maternity-clothes



I guess once you have a few key items that can be mixed about, it’s best just to accessorize as much as possible. 

—

As one last bit of advice, the Lady of the Manners would like to remind all Goth parents and parents-to-be that while outfitting yourself and your bundles of spooky joy in things that are aesthetically pleasing to you is a wonderful thing, the really important bit is to be comfortable and to reduce your stress levels as much as possible.  Not to mention that as delightful as it may be to dress your babybat in wee gothy finery, children will develop and express wardrobe preferences at a surprisingly early age; while you may not want your child to wear something with bright green and pink flowers on it, they may have other ideas.

If someone rolls their eyes or sneers at you because you or your child are not dressed in the height  of gothy finery, smile sweetly and ignore them. You’re helping raise the next generation of babybats, which is far more important that wearing the exactly perfect spooky attire. (The Lady of the Manners devoutly hopes that no Goth would be so tactless and foolish as to look down their pale little noses at Gothy parents, but realizes that some people are just clueless. The Lady of the Manners can only hope they grow out of it.)

Snarklings, remember all those jokes the Lady of the Manners has made over the years about how there is no Goth Cabal or Gothic Hivemind? The Lady of the Manners is starting to entertain some doubts about that. Around the same time that some of the Lady of the Manners’ friends announced they were pregnant, various letters started pitter-pattering into the Gothic Charm School mailbox, full of questions about the unique dilemmas that Goth moms-to-be face. Well. The Lady of the Manners is not one to ignore serendipity, especially when it lands in her mailbox. In the course of a longer letter, a mother-to-be Snarkling named Kyoki had the following questions and comments:

Dearest Lady of the Manners;

…

You have nothing that addresses the plight of the pregnant Goth.

I found several lovely parenting articles encouraging mothers in their own ways and to help their babybats grow up to be ladies and gentlemen, and many, many letters to those babybats.

…

My second question is also pregnancy-related: I have reread your entire ‘Being Mannerly’ section, the ‘Being Social’ section, and the ‘Growing Pains’ section, in hopes of finding advice on this touchy subject…

How can I encourage unique gifts for my baby at my baby-shower?

I love my family. They have beautiful taste in most things, including clothing. (My maternal grandmother, bless her heart, fell madly in love with a shirt I was given at Christmas from Torrid (The plus-size branch of Hot Topic) that had a corsetted Asian feel to it, and raved madly about how the plaid school-girl skirt just set off my legs.)

I may get some odd looks for what I choose to wear, but they assume it extends to my children… now if only I could find a polite way to tell them that pastel pinks and blues and greens and yellows with cutesy little lace duckies and embroidered Winnie the Pooh is just -not- what I am interested in! I’m not interested in little bibs with skulls and crossbones (although that would be adorable!) or dressing my baby in ‘that weird black stuff’. I’m just interested in things that you will -not- find wandering the aisles of your local megamart!

(For that matter, where can -I- find eclectic and whimsical clothing for my baby?)

I am not worried that they’re going to shun me, or my son, because we choose odd clothes. I’m just trying to figure out how to give a wishlist of styles and patterns to my family so that they don’t buy us things we don’t want, but they also don’t have to walk into uncomfortable situations for them and buy blindly.

…

While I seem to have gone off on a tangent, the main questions remain the same. What can I wear, now that I am baby-proportionate? What polite way can I encourage my family to buy us gifts that we will enjoy? And where can I find unique and eclectic baby clothes and supplies?

Respectfully yours;

Kyoki

Goodness, a whole bundle of very good questions! To start with the first one, concerning a maternity wardrobe, the Lady of the Manners would be remiss if she didn’t casually mention that there are Gothic Charm School maternity t-shirts available. But the Lady of the Manners understands that, even as lovely as all the Gothic Charm School designs are, one’s maternity wardrobe probably needs to include more than just t-shirts. However, a quick jaunt around the Internet reveals that every other “gothic maternity” link out there offers, well, t-shirts, and not a lot else.

Does this mean that Goth moms-to-be are destined to spend their pregnancy wearing spooky t-shirts and skirts or pants with elastic waists? The Lady of the Manners certainly hopes not, but wants to caution you that the alternative takes a bit of work. Most of the expectant Goths the Lady of the Manners has been around have resorted to scouring their local thrift and consignment stores for Goth-friendly maternity garb. One type of store to look at even before giving birth are consignment and resale stores that specifically focus on babies and children; many of them have a maternity section. Also, in the Lady of the Manners’ local Goth community, there is a “communal” maternity wardrobe: a large storage bin of clothing appropriate for the more darkly-minded types. As each gothy mom-type takes custody of the wardrobe, they add items they had discovered on thrift-shopping trips.

The Lady of the Manners is sad to say that there doesn’t seem to be an easy answer to the dilemma of Goth maternity wear. Rummaging through thrift stores and consignment boutiques takes time and energy, both of which were in seemingly short supply amongst the pregnant Goths the Lady of the Manners has known. Recruiting family and friends to keep your current clothing needs in mind when they are shopping might unearth a treasure or two.

As for how to encourage your family to select gifts that you will enjoy? That’s tricky, because a gift is not something you really can (or should) give parameters for. There is the time-honored strategy of registering at some stores to compile a list of needed items that would make thoughtful gifts, but that isn’t foolproof. As one of the Lady of the Manners’ friends recently lamented, there’s not a lot of middle ground between pastel-drenched, officially-licensed baby merchandise and its polar opposite: the now mass-marketed “punk rock” baby gear. (Though the Lady of the Manners must admit that she has an unshakeable fondness for “classic” Winnie-the-Pooh and for the skull-festooned baby clothes. Which is why the Lady of the Manners is a classic Zany Auntie –type to all of her friends’ children.) Picking a color scheme that you would like to stick with for nursery décor (even if you aren’t planning on having a separate nursery) and baby clothes might also give your friends and family some helpful guidance when they start browsing baby goodies.

The Lady of the Manners feels that if your friends and family are moved to give you presents to celebrate you and your baby, they probably know you well enough to keep your distinctive tastes in mind when selecting that gift. If it turns out that the present really is something you can’t use, or that you feel is wholly inappropriate for your household, then you have the traditional routes of re-gifting it to someone else, taking it to a consignment shop, or very tactfully asking the gift-giver where they purchased it so you can return it. By “very tactfully”, the Lady of the Manners means thanking the gift-giver for their kind gesture, then saying something along the lines of “This is lovely, but I’m afraid it won’t quite work for our needs/go with the rest of the baby clothes. Would you mind if I exchanged it?”, all while not making any sort of disappointed or unhappy face whatsoever. As the Lady of the Manners said before, you oughtn’t specify what sort of present you want people to give you. Yes, gift registries and wish lists are everywhere (and frequently expected), but that doesn’t mean you should feel disappointed or let down if something that you are given isn’t exactly the thing you thought it should be.

As to finding unique and eclectic baby supplies? Well, there’s always places like Etsy, where independent merchants and crafters offer their creations for sale. Over the past couple of years the Lady of the Manners has also seen a growing number of “alternative” baby boutiques and shops cropping up; places that carry baby clothes and supplies in colors other than the pastel rainbow, and with characters that didn’t spring from a cartoon line. Mentioning to people that you’re looking to use as many handmade items or fair trade goods as possible with your child would also probably increase your chances of finding unique items. But the Lady of the Manners has also been told by the Goth parents she knows that while wanting to outfit your tot in what you find aesthetically pleasing is a wonderful idea, reality will quickly lead you to realize that the best baby supplies are ones that are easily washable and not overly fussy. (This is one of the many reasons the Lady of the Manners knows she is not meant to be a parent; she would want to dress any theoretical offspring in black velvet dresses with cascades of ruffles.)

Upon re-reading this particular lesson, the Lady of the Manners realizes that her answers, while well-intentioned, were not quite as helpful as she had hoped. So she turns to you Snarklings reading this: do any of you have clever suggestions for where Goth-moms-to-be can find Goth-friendly maternity clothing? Or places that specialize in quirky baby wear? Please send your suggestions to Gothic Charm School, and the Lady of the Manners will compile a list and post it.

(Of course, it goes without saying that you should write to Gothic Charm School with any other sort of gothy questions you may have. The Lady of the Manners just feels compelled to remind everyone.)

Snarklings, remember how at the end of the last lesson, the Lady of the Manners said she was going to write about something less fraught? Perhaps something like fashion advice? Goodness, flocks* of you took that to heart; all sorts of letters with wardrobe questions arrived in the Gothic Charm School mailbox.

(*There never has been any sort of agreement on what is the proper collective noun for a collection of Goths, has there? The Lady of the Manners is fond of gloom, as in “a gloom of Goths”, but has also seen bleakness, brood, clot, shroud, and sulk all used.) 

However, enough chatter about etymology and the naming of things! Onwards to Snarklings’ questions about fashion! A Snarkling by the name of Ryan asked:

I love what you wear to work, do you have any tips for the Gents who’d like a bit of Goth in their office wear instead of the usual drab shirt and trousers?  I recently bought a pair of New Rocks (very unoriginal I know, apologies) which are perfectly smart enough but I don’t have a lot that matches their high standards!

Firstly, do not apologize for owning a pair of New Rocks! In the Lady of the Manners’ experience, New Rocks are quite nice footwear, and are certainly more interesting than the majority of options that are available for gentlemen of more eccentric and shadow-clad tastes. Now, as to how you might add a bit of Goth to your office wear? The Lady of the Manners strongly believes in the theory of “when in doubt, go more formal”. Wear a tie with a striking pattern, perhaps? The Lady of the Manners doesn’t mean ones with a holiday motif or other such somewhat twee nonsense, but ties with interesting designs silkscreened onto them, such as the ones made by Cyberoptix TieLab. Nicely-fitted waistcoats and suit jackets in somber hues would also help you Goth-ify your daily work wardrobe. And don’t feel you have to bankrupt yourself to find such things! Be sure to check your local thrift stores and consignment shops; yes, you’ll have to spend a bit of time searching, but you may be rewarded with items that will help you add a dark and unique touch to your clothing.

—

Thomas St. Cloud, another gentleman seeking wardrobe advice, writes:

Affable Madam
 

Having perused some of your brilliant advice to others, I was wondering if you might relinquish a bit of your fashion know-how? I’m 28 years old, male, a long time ensconce-ee of the subculture and mired with an “unfixable” but I’m sure (somehow) solvable problem… Like many others, in my misguided youth I chased after social ideals. For me, in my particular cultural paradigm this ideal was the waif thin look of the gothic stereotype. It took just one trip to the hospital for me to give up on that particular fantasy and from then on I’ve been particular about my health and physical condition. The adverse effect to all this health conscious hootenanny (isn’t that a fun word?) is that the healthier I became, the more muscular I became. Ever further from those old ideals my visage painfully did depart. (boo-hoo) I’m at ease with this now, and consequently quite at ease with myself and my body image. However to the problem in question…

I’ve spent many years in the lap of Alt/Metal fashion simply because it was the look inside of gothic culture that best suited my body type. However, recently I’ve been longing for the old days of frock coats and pointy toes. And I thought to inquire of you how I might adorn myself in something a bit more eloquent without looking like Disney’s “Gaston”.

Dear Thomas, congratulations on becoming particular about your health and physical condition! Health conscious hootenanny (and yes, a fabulous word) is, while at times vexing, very important, and the Lady of the Manners is very glad to hear that you’ve become at ease with yourself and your body image.

As to your longing to return to a more eloquent Goth style without looking like “Gaston” (and oh! What an image did that conjure up in the Lady of the Manners’ head!) … yes, dear Thomas, it most certainly can be done. It will just require a bit more effort than the Alt/Metal fashions did. Why? Because you will need to become quite discerning about the fit and tailoring of your clothing. By all means, indulge yourself in frock coats and pointy toes! Just make sure that those frock coats fit you properly; that they aren’t straining across your chest and shoulders, and that they fit at your waist, not loosely hang like a crumpled paper bag. You will probably want to avoid the more extravagantly be-ruffled poets’ shirts and cravats that are bigger than your head, but a modestly ruffled collar or a sleek ascot would be quite dashing. Also, do not fall into the trap of baggy trousers, especially the ones that are clattering and clanking with chains and D-rings. (The Lady of the Manners is sure you know of the style she is referring to.) Again, a well-tailored look is what you probably wish to aspire to.  

One last bit of advice: the effect of elegant and eloquent Goth attire, no matter how painstakingly assembled, will be undermined by … oh, how can the Lady of the Manners put this? By less-than-attentive grooming. If you favor facial hair, make sure it is neatly trimmed and brushed. If you dabble in cosmetics, be sure to apply them with a steady hand and blend, blend, blend. Keep your wardrobe free of stains, and if you have pets, keep a stock of lint brushes on hand.

—
A younger Snarkling who wished to remain anonymous has the following dilemma, part of which concerns fashion:

 Please forgive me if this subject has been previously visited, but it has nagged at my mind for a while now.  You see, I have, for quite a long time, greatly admired the Gothic subculture, but was always too self-conscious to take action.  I am especially fond of the Victorian era-based clothing.  The problem is this: I am, of present, only thirteen years of age, and only in Grade 7.  My friends already consider me to be bizarre, and I worry that they may completely stop hanging around with me. The second worry is that there is already one  ”Goth kid” (for lack of a better description) at my school, and I do not think she likes me very much.  I am hesitant to continue exploring the Gothic subculture, as I do not wish for her to think that I am copying her style. What should I do?  Sincerely,      

Anonymous

(P.S. Any advice on how I could create a Victorian-based wardrobe without breaching Junior High dress-code guidelines would also be greatly appreciated) 

Dear Anonymous Snarkling, do not let the suspicion that the other “Goth kid” at your school does not like you very much stop you from exploring the Gothic subculture! If she thinks you are copying her style, oh well. Of course, you should do what you can to make it clear that you aren’t copying her; don’t start dressing like her or mimicking her hairstyle and makeup, but develop your own interpretations and variations of Gothic style.  

As to the concern that your friends will stop hanging around with you if you decide to become more involved with the Gothic subculture; oh dear. The Lady of the Manners is going to now deliver to you one of the more shopworn pieces of wisdom from Grown-Ups to Younger People: If they’re really your friends, they’ll stick with you.

Now with that said, the Lady of the Manners has some caveats to add. Junior High (and High School) are difficult for many reasons, but one of them is that many teens fall prey to a sort of pack mentality. If another member of their community (even if that community is only by virtue of being at school together) strays from what is considered the “normal” template, the rest of the pack reacts, and frequently reacts very poorly. By deciding that you want to explore the Gothic subculture, you are possibly setting yourself up for being labled “bizarre”, other insults, or worse. Does that mean you should turn your back on your Gothy interests? No, not at all.  But the Lady of the Manners wants to make sure that you’re forewarned, and wants to make very sure that you understand that the reactions you may get are not necessarily about you as a person, but about what Goth symbolizes to people who don’t know any better. 

As to creating a Victorian-based wardrobe without breaching Junior High dress-codes? Hmmm. The Lady of the Manners must admit that she is not familiar with current school dress-codes, but is willing to bet that if you stick to the more formal and/or modest Victorian-influenced looks, you should be able to get away with them. Fitted black jackets or blazers worn with frilly blouses should be acceptable by most schools’ dress codes, along with full skirts (knee-length or longer) worn with tights. If your school’s dress-code allows for patterned tights or socks, by all means indulge yourself in stripy tights.

(Oh dear, the Lady of the Manners just realized that she assumed Anonymous is a young lady, hence the recommending of frilly blouses and skirts. But never fear, male Snarklings! Just substitute “nice dress shirt and perhaps a tie” for “frilly blouse” and “well-fitting black trousers” for “full skirts”.) 

As to where to find all of these things? Yes, the Lady of the Manners is repeating herself, but thrift stores are always good places to search out these sorts of wardrobe items. An even better path would be to teach yourself to sew, but that can become more than a bit time-consuming. But even learning the basics of sewing and mending will allow you to customize your thrift store finds and make subtle changes to the fit of them. 

—

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to take a break from writing (and from reading mail from Snarklings), and go finish the alterations to a jacket she purchased on one of her own recent thrift store expeditions. Of course, the Lady of the Manners takes frequent breaks from her sewing projects to click the shiny “New Messages” button, so by all means, please write!