Hello Snarklings! Remember how at the end of the previous Gothic Charm School, the Lady of the Manners said she was going to talk about how a reader had gently taken her to task about the subtext she was implying when she talked about Satanists? Well yes, the Lady of the Manners is indeed going to talk about that. But first, she’s going to look at an issue that affects the parents of some of the babybats out there.

Hey, love the site, helps out alot. My question is that my son, age 11, loves the goth look. His dad and I are divorced. I don’t mind his interest in this because I myself have a litte goth in me. I like the tats and peircings and dark colors. His dad on the other hand is giving us problems. My son is a beta club, honor roll student, and loves to wear the black eyeliner and the black nail polish and the long chain wallets. Its his personality, and he loves it. But how can I explain to his dad that this IS ok, to just let him be himself?

Oh dear. The Lady of the Manners assumes you’ve tried telling your ex-husband that your son’s wonderful qualities are in no way diminished by his being a Goth. (If you haven’t, start there.) Emphasize the fact that your son is an honor roll student. Try to address any concerns he may have about Goth leading to depression, self-harm, or any of the other blatantly untrue misconceptions your ex may believe. Make it clear that a kid who is happy and secure in who they are is someone who is far less likely to cause bad mischief or go looking for trouble.
However, the Lady of the Manners has to ask: did your ex-husband know of your gothy tendencies when you were married? If so, was he as intolerant of them with you as he seems to be with your son? If not, you might want to point out to him that your interest in tattoos, piercings, and dark colors has done you no harm.

The Lady of the Manners thinks that the best thing you could do for your son is be supportive, and let him know that you aren’t worried about his interest in Goth, even if his dad is. If this means that you and his dad don’t present a “unified parental front” about this, would that be the end of the world? The Lady of the Manners understands that raising a child is even more fraught with difficulty than usual when the parents are separated, but feels that the most important thing is to raise your son to be happy and self-confident. You might want to take a look at some of the other posts here at Gothic Charm School about Goth Parenting, and perhaps even see if you can convince your ex to read them: Raising A Goth and Being A Gothy Parent.

—

Dear Lady of the Manners,

I look forward to your response.
Molly

You’re right, the Lady of the Manners fell into the trap of using a misleading, and populist definition of Satanism. One that equates Satanists with a level of violent and debauched behavior that should never be casually used as a blanket characterization of a wide variety of people. For that, the Lady of the Manners offers you an apology.

This, Snarklings is a prime example of how using labels can go poorly. And, just as the Lady of the Manners struggles to fight misconceptions of how Goths are perceived as dangerous or depressed, she should be more careful in order to avoid spreading those same sorts of potentially inaccurate generalizations about others who lead an alternative lifestyle or identify with a non-mainstream religion.

From now on, the Lady of the Manners is going to try to be even more careful with her choice of words, which, really, is good advice for anyone.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to go back to sorting through the Gothic Charm School mailbox and trying to decide what topics should be addressed next. Goodness, you’ve been sending a lot of letters! But that’s good, so please, do write!

Finally, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners has been able to leave her Couch Of Plague and get back to being productive. And goodness, the letters you Snarklings have been sending in! Questions about hair color, home decor, and skin care, oh my!

A young lady named Amanda wrote to Gothic Charm School, fretting about her hair color:

Hi.
I really want to dye my hair black, but the parentals wont let me. I sometimes get to dye it purple or dark pink or blue but noooo, not black!!! most of my friends have black hair, but my hair is BLONDE. i HATE blonde! I don’t think my parents know i’m goth, because they still buy me pink crap that they expect me to wear, and they still call me Mandy(NO ONE has called me Mandy since 2nd grade)! they still get me Hannah Montanah Crap, even tho i like Emillie Autumn and Eveanesance. AND i can’t wear makeup. help me please!!! my parents think i’m PREP!!!!!!

You are filled with woe that your parents won’t let you dye your hair black, but they will let you occasionally dye it purple, dark pink, or blue? Amanda, you silly, silly creature. There are swarms of gothlings who write to the Lady of the Manners to lament the fact that their parents won’t let them dabble in unnatural colors such as purple or dark pink. Rejoice in the fact that your parents are willing to let you experiment with crayon-colored hair, and experiment with it as much as they’ll let you.

As to coloring your blonde hair black: dear Snarkling, you don’t need black hair to be a Goth. No, really. Black hair is not flattering to everyone, and while wanting to look as much like a creature of the night is possible is always fun, a hair color that makes you look truly, unflatteringly corpse-like is … not so fun. Once you dye your hair black, it is nigh-impossible to remove the black dye if you change your mind. (It can be done, but it takes a lot of time, effort, money, and still may leave you with horribly damaged hair.) Also, blonde hair, while despised by yourself, can be quite lovely and striking. Blonde hair lends itself to ghostly, fey looks just as well as any other hair color.

Finally, regarding your concerns about your parents thinking you’re a prep, calling you Mandy, and ”still buying you Hannah Montana crap”. All of of these things lead the Lady of the Manners to guess that you are a younger Goth; your parents just may not have adjusted to the expression of your gothy tendencies. This is where the Lady of the Manners is going to ask what she always asks in these situations: have you spoken, calmly and seriously, to your parents about your wishes to not be called by a childhood nickname, that you don’t want Hannah Montana merchandise, or that you don’t consider yourself a prep? (Though honestly, the Lady of the Manners can’t imagine any parent that would allow their child to dye their hair blue or purple would consider that child a prep. Unless things have vastly changed in the past few years, preps don’t indulge in wildly-unnatural shades of hair.) Sit down and talk with them, Amanda, and see if you can get them to understand your point of view.

—

Patrica has a question about transforming her room into a gothy haven:

Dear Lady of the Manners
I must say that I love your book and have not failed to pick it up. But Every since I was born my mother has been decorating my room. My father is a “yes dear” man and never argues. I argued. in short; SHE’S LETTING ME DESIGN MY ROOM. one rule – walls cannont be black.
Im clueless.
Please Please help Lady of the Manners. How can I turn my mother’s gastly yellow room into my own personal gothic heaven?
With much love and little bats
Patricia

Dearest Patricia, the Lady of the Manners is going to let you in on a little secret: every Goth goes through a stage where we think that painting a room black is a great idea. In truth, it isn’t. There’s spooky and elegant, and then there’s oppressive and not-at-all inviting; guess which side of that divide black walls falls on. So really, the Lady of the Manners agrees with your mother about the no black walls thing.

So what can you do? Well, decide what color you want instead of yellow. The Lady of the Manners’ personal preference would be for a pale pink, but understands that not everyone has embraced the Cupcake Goth aesthetic. A pale dove gray? Ivory? You probably want a mild, neutral-ish color for your walls, so that whatever you put on them doesn’t cause eye-searing clashing.

Yes, putting things on walls. Have you seen the dizzying array of vinyl wall decals that are available now? You could have the shadow of Nosferatu on your wall, a flock of bats, “carpe noctem” in elegant calligraphy, a murder of crows, or a coffin design that doubles as a chalkboard. (The Lady of the Manners may have to get one of those for herself!)

If, by chance, you don’t want to fiddle with vinyl wall decals, there is the time-honored tradition of having swags of interesting fabric hanging from your walls, framed posters and art, or a collage of post cards and images that strike your fancy. Or you could decide to take the time-consuming, but rewarding, route of painting stripes or stamping designs on your walls in contrasting colors.

Give some thought as to storage options: do you want stacks of plastic bins that you can drape with fabric to disguise their utilitarian nature? Or perhaps mismatched chests of drawers from thrift stores, given a new life with some careful coats of paint? Towers of hat boxes?

And of course, there are all sorts of styles and themes of bedding available for those of a gothy nature, though you probably will have better luck finding dark jewel tones and sumptuous velvets during the autumn and winter seasons.

In short, just because you can’t have black walls doesn’t mean you can’t create a cozy Gothic nest of your very own. Take a look at the home decor blogs and magazines out there, and re-imagine what they’re doing in your preferred color scheme.

—

Annecinda asks about a skin care question that other goths have pondered through the ages:

My dear Lady of the Manners,

your faithful baby bat,
Annecinda.

Oh, Annecinda. Yes, many Goths (including the Lady of the Manners) have tried all sorts of silly things to achieve a more ghostly pallor, but none of them really work. Plus, there’s that very important fact that one needn’t be pale as a lily to be a Goth! The gloomy parasol of the gothic subculture covers people of all skin colors, which is as it should be. (The Lady of the Manners will wait right here while people go re-read the Goths Of Color installment of Gothic Charm School. Yes, go re-read it.)

So no, dear Annecinda, the Lady of the Manners doesn’t really have any recommendations for skin lightening for you. However, the Lady of the Manners thinks it’s a very good idea for everyone to take care of their skin, and recommends the following basic steps:

- If you wear makeup, for heaven’s sake, don’t sleep in it! Wash off your makeup with a gentle cleanser.

- Sunblock. Wear sunblock. Yes, even during the winter. However, you might want to check the rating your sunblock has in the Environmental Working Group’s sunscreen guide.

- Drink plenty of water.

Finally, do not agonize over your freckles. No, there isn’t anything you can do to get rid of them, and the Lady of the Manners is quite certain that while you may not like them, other people find them charming.

—

As for now, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to go traipsing around the Internet to find more things to add to her tumblr queue, and perhaps indulge in some glittery black nail polish. Be sure to come back for the next installment of Gothic Charm School, where in the Lady of the Manners is gently admonished by a reader about the connotations of the “Satanist” label.

(Does the Lady of the Manners need to point out the handy Correspondence link? Well, it has become something of a tradition, hasn’t it?)

Look, Snarklings! A new lesson at Gothic Charm School, even if it was somewhat later that the Lady of the Manners had hoped for. (The flu, dear Snarklings, makes doing anything very difficult. Try not to contract whichever strain of it that is going around.)

As promised in the previous lesson, the Lady of the Manners carries on with the second round of questions from the younger readers of Gothic Charm School. Questions about talking to parents, being called emo, and not being allowed to wear Goth clothing to school.

Hello my name is Catherine and i have a problem. I am going to take your advice on talking to my parents about my wanting to be goth,but when i say wanting to is that i am at heart. My mother somwhat gets a glimpse at understanding me but my father is an old-school strict spanish father.I am 12 years old going on 13 but he still call me his little princess and rabbit i know thats just how dads are sopposed to act like, but oh the irony just by talking to him about this talk is frightening well i know the will shuuder and shake but i can’t just help it i am a goth at heart and i want them to accept it please oh please can you help me on a way to open up this coversation to my parents.

Catherine

Good for you, Catherine, that you are going to talk to your parents about your interest in Goth! The Lady of the Manners completely understands why doing that is so frightening, but it really is something that every young gothling should do. As to how to open up this conversation with your parents: start by keeping in mind that the main thing you will need to do is to reassure your parents that Goth isn’t something to worry about. They will probably be concerned that your interest in a subculture known for it’s dark and morbid sensibility means that you’re depressed or angry. So be clear with them about what it is that draws you to Goth. Is it the music, the literature, the fashions? Or is it that you have a blacker-than-black sense of humor and a fondness for graveyards and morbid imagery? Explain that to your parents. Share examples with them, through artwork, photos, or music.

Be sure to tell them that being a Goth makes you happy, and makes you feel self-confident. (If it does, that is. The Lady of the Manners is assuming that those things are true, since that is what she hears from other babybats and how the Lady of the Manners feels herself.)

You’re absolutely right about that’s just how dads are supposed to act with his habit of calling you his little princess and rabbit. No matter how old you are, your parents will always, just a little bit, consider you to be that tiny baby they started out with. They call you pet names out of love, not out of a desire to keep you a little girl. The Lady of the Manners’ very wonderful parents still call her by nicknames from her childhood, and the Lady of the Manners knows that no matter what age her adoptive nieces and nephews are, she will still call them by their childhood monikers. (Sorry, Trip and Princess Tickybox! ) Also, the Lady of the Manners feels that Goths who have affectionate relationships which involve pet names should take enjoyment from them, not be mortified. Look, a large number of us and our fellow Goths dress up in wildly extravagant clothing in order to give the impression that we’ve just strolled out from our gloom-shrouded castle; if that doesn’t give any of us pause, then we certainly shouldn’t throw a tizzy when someone close to us calls us by an affectionate name. Even if it is “Rabbit” or “JilliBean”.

—

The next question is from Nikki, asking about the difference between Goth and emo:

question: dear lady of the manner,

nikki

It sounds like, Nikki, that you are suffering from the dreaded “All of you weirdos look the same” problem. To outsiders, emo kids and Goths all look strange, there’s no difference between them. Which is absolutely untrue, of course, but people who can’t tell the difference between Goth and emo don’t really care.

Of course, there is a bit of cross-over between the two subcultures, with emo usually being regarded as the sullen younger sibling of Goth. (The Lady of the Manners talks about this in a previous Gothic Charm School lesson, Goth vs. emo.) That doesn’t mean that the emo label should be applied to a Goth, no matter what their age. However, it sounds like the skinny blue jeans and neon pink t-shirt wearing people at your school who are calling themselves “emo” have more in common with “scene kids”. Who, as far as the Lady of the Manners can tell, are fairly similar to emo kids, but wear a lot of neon colors, bright plastic jewelry, and multiple colored streaks in their wildly-teased hair. (In other words, to the Lady of the Manners and other ElderGoths, a cluster of scene kids is disturbingly like looking at a funhouse mirror reflection of the 1980s. Complete with leggings worn as pants and clashing neon colors.) (For more information about scene kids, the Lady of the Manners found this WikiHow article on how to be a scene kid fascinating reading.)

However, the most important thing you should keep in mind is that you needn’t bother with paying attention to the labels your classmates attempt to affix to you. So they’re calling you by the wrong subculture name? So what? Try not to let it bother you, and instead concentrate on the things you like. When your clueless classmates call you an emo, smile icily at them and ignore them.

—

The final question for this edition of the Gothic Charm School for Babybats is from a Snarkling (with an email of “gothicgirl”) asking about wearing gothic dress at school:

question: hey?
I’m gothic but at my school you can not wear gothic dress so what should I do now

Hmmm. The Lady of the Manners is not exactly sure what all you mean by “gothic dress”, Snarkling. Do you mean that you’re not allowed to wear wildly extravagant Gothic dresses to school? Or perhaps that your school has a dress code or uniform? The Lady of the Manners is going to go with the latter meaning, with an aside that wearing wildly extravagant Gothic dresses to school would possibly become unwieldy, not to mention be poorly accessorized with a messenger bag or backpack full of text books.

So! How to show your allegiance to the Goth aesthetic while bound by a dress code? As the Lady of the Manners has said before, while she is not familiar with current school dress-codes, she is willing to bet that if you stick to the more formal, modest, or Victorian-influenced looks, you should be able to get away with them. Fitted black jackets or blazers worn with frilly blouses should be acceptable by most schools’ dress codes, along with full skirts (knee-length or longer) worn with tights. If your school’s dress-code allows for patterned tights or socks, by all means indulge yourself in stripy tights. (For male Snarklings, just substitute “nice dress shirt and perhaps a tie” for “frilly blouse” and “well-fitting black trousers” for “full skirts”.) Many school dress codes forbid piercings or “unnatural” colored hair, so before you invest in an ear full of metal rings or break out the purple hair dye, first do some research! (Also, you probably should check with your parents before doing either of those things.)

But what can you do if you have a school uniform? The whole point of school uniforms to to make kids’ appearances more homogeneous, to theoretically cut down on bullying and distractions from studying. (The Lady of the Manners isn’t entirely convinced that this approach works, but she’s not the one making the rules, here.) So with that sort of even narrower dress code, what’s a young Gothling to do? Sadly, not a lot. Indulge in the small loopholes for expression that you can find, such as darkly-decorated book covers, striped socks, dark eyeliner, or perhaps small pins with bats, skulls, and for favorite dark bands, accept that you’ll have to wait until the weekends to really indulge your sartorial fancies, and grit your teeth and wait until you’re done with school. While the Lady of the Manners is very, very fond of self-expression through one’s wardrobe, she doesn’t think it takes precedence over getting an education.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to make up her mind as to whether she’s going to re-read that nice Gail Carriger’s Parasol Protectorate books, and go take a bubble bath. Next up at Gothic Charm School, reviews! Music (Toy-Box Trio and the Sepiachord Compilation) and makeup (Aromaleigh’s “Victoria’s Revenge” collection)! And as always, if you have questions of your own, Snarklings, please do write!

Goodness, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners seems to be getting lax with time management again, what with the length of time between the Faith and the Muse review and this particular installment of Gothic Charm School. But the Lady of the Manners did spend the time productively, and now has a clean and almost-organized storage room. (The floor may be sprinkled with sequins, bat confetti, and fragments of dried rose petals, but the Lady of the Manners considers that to be atmospheric.

But! Enough with tangents, and on to the lesson! Wherein the Lady of the Manners is going to address the some of the oodles of letters coming in from her younger readers. (The Lady of the Manners really does try not to exclaim “Oh! Wee babybat Snarkling!” when mail from younger readers appears in the Gothic Charm School inbox, but the temptation is always there.)

The first question is from Hunter, who needs book suggestions.

my name is Hunter and i have a bit of a problem.
at my school they have a strict “age appropriate” rule on reading Material .
so i was wondering if you had any suggestions for the younger ones of this beautiful subculture.

ps im 11 in elementary school

Hunter, have you asked your teachers about what they consider to be “age appropriate” reading material for you? While the Lady of the Manners suspects you might not enjoy everything they suggest, you may be surprised. But as for the Lady of the Manners’ suggestions:

- Bone by Jeff Smith, which is an engaging and epic story of royalty, enigmatic dragons, dark forces out to conquer the world, and the the Bone cousins – plucky Fone Bone, scheming Phony Bone, and easygoing Smiley Bone – who left their home in Boneville and to be accidentally swept up in all of this. Oh, and the stupid stupid rat creatures, who are equal parts annoying and endearing.

- A Series Of Unfortunate Events series by Lemony Snicket. A rather obvious (but still good!) suggestion, full of dark plots, clever orphans, and a dark sense of humor.

- Something Wicked This Way Comes and From Dust Returned by Ray Bradbury.The first is a classic of dark fantasy, and deservedly so, what with the mysterious Coodger And Dark Traveling Pandemonium Show bringing temptation, terror, and a carousel that is much more than it seems to a small town. (The Lady of Manners must confess, Snarklings, that Something Wicked This Way Comes is one of her all-time favorite books, and she re-reads it every October.) From Dust Returned is another of the Lady of the Manners’ favorite books, about a family of supernatural, eternal creatures.

- The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. A man with a gleaming knife murders an entire family one night; an entire family except for a toddler boy, who had climbed out of his crib and slipped into the local graveyard. Now an orphan, the denizens of the graveyard decide to adopt him, and gift him with a name (Bod, short for Nobody) and the freedom of the graveyard. With a pallid, nocturnal guardian, ghost foster parents, and encounters with ghouls, witches, and the occasional human, Bod’s childhood is full of adventure and mystery.

One final bit of advice: have you asked your parents what they think of your reading material? When the Lady of the Manners was a wee school-age spookling, her parents defended her choice in reading materials to anyone who asked by pointing out that there was nothing wrong with reading, and they were happy to encourage her. Perhaps your parents feel the same way?

—

The next letter is on behalf of a trio of tormented Snarklings, asking for advice on how to deal with difficult classmates:

Dearest Lady of the Manners

Sincerely,
Raizel

Oh, you poor Snarklings! It is a terrible blow when your glares are met with mocking laughter, isn’t it? The Lady of the Manners isn’t being condescending, in case you were worried. No, she is well-aware of how lowering and frustrating that situation can be, and her heart goes out to you three.

In this instance, the Lady of the Manners is going to suggest a few things. Thing the First: tell your tormentors to knock it off. Don’t glare warningly at them or try and be imposing, just tell them clearly and directly that you want them to stop.

Now the Lady of the Manners is perfectly aware that telling your tormentors to leave you alone won’t do a dratted thing. It’s a sad fact, and the Lady of the Manners desperately wishes that following this step would solve the problem. But it almost certainly won’t have any effect. Then why did the Lady of the Manners suggest it? Because the next step depends upon it.

Thing the Second: go to your teachers. Go to your teachers, go to the school counselor, go to the principal, and tell them you are being bullied. Because that is what is going on here; you’re being bullied. When you go to whichever school authority, make it very clear to them that you have asked your tormentors to stop, but that nothing has changed. Schools are starting to take more notice of complaints of bullying, and (from what the Lady of the Manners has heard) are trying to stop such things before they escalate. And make no mistake, being pelted with eraser pieces and spit balls is the sort of incident that could escalate into more unpleasant ones, so the school authorities need to be informed about what is going on.

However, the most important bit the Lady of the Manners wants you to remember is Thing the Third: you don’t have to pay attention to or care what those other students think of you. Do you want to be friends with them? The Lady of the Manners is assuming not, and really, why would you want to be friends with people who treat you so poorly? Trust the Lady of the Manners on this one, Snarklings. You don’t want to be friends with them, and you should pay as little attention to them as possible. Ignore them; they’re not worth your time or emotional energy. Cling to the wonderful idea that in a few short years, you won’t be in classes with them and they’ll be out of your life.

—

The final letter in this installment of Gothic Charm School is from a Snarkling asking about wearing a cloak to school:

Hello,
I am rather new to your site, having entered it for the first time, let’s see, thirty-five minutes ago, and I already feel that you are the person to ask my question about confidence. You see, I have a hand made cloak that one of my relatives made me that I just love. I wear it out on the weekends all the time. The thing is, I am very nervous about wearing it to school, as sixth graders are often troublesome and judgemental. No offense to them, maybe just the ones in my classes. Anyway, do you think I should wear my cloak? Is there anyway I could build up to being confident enough to?

Sincerely,
Jii, a sixth grade fan

A hand-made cloak that was a gift from a relative? Oh, you lucky Snarkling! The Lady of the Manners can understand your nervousness at the idea of wearing it to school, because you’re absolutely right, sixth graders are often troublesome and judgmental. But even so, the Lady of the Manners absolutely thinks you should wear your cloak to school. It’s an item you love! At a guess, it makes you feel happy and confident when you wear it on the weekends? Then embrace those feelings, and ignore any derisive comments from your classmates. Or at least pretend to ignore them. Because sometimes, what you need to do to build up your confidence is to simply act like you’re confident. The Lady of the Manners isn’t saying that you should strut around, acting as if you think you are the coolest and best of all possible people, but that you should give yourself a mental pep talk and remember that being happy with yourself is far more important than your classmates’ approval. Being different requires the courage not to care if other people think you’re weird, and that courage does build up over time.

The Lady of the Manners is not thrilled to be saying this, but the harsh truth is that sometimes other people just decide that they don’t like you or think you’re weird (in what they consider a not good way), and nothing you say or do will dissuade them from making their opinions known. (Usually very loudly.) Even if you don’t wear your beloved cloak to school, your classmates may still find something to mock you about. (The Lady of the Manners would like to think that wouldn’t happen, but your letter does imply that your classmates are those sorts of people.)

One final concern the Lady of the Manners feels she must mention: if you do decide to wear your cloak to school, be aware your troublesome classmates might consider it a target for vandalism or destruction. Does that mean that you shouldn’t wear your cloak? Absolutely not! Wear it and be happy in it, just also keep a very close eye on it.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going wander away to sort through an enormous box of tangled ribbons and antique lace. Be sure to check back, as the next lesson here at Gothic Charm School will be More Letters From Young Snarklings, most of which seem to be asking for advice on fashion and school dress codes. Do you have a question of your own? Then scamper over to the Correspondence section and send a message!

Full disclosure here: the very nice people at Mercyground sent me :ankoku butoh: for review. Which made me clap my hands with glee, because honestly, I would have purchased it. I love Faith & the Muse, and have loved them since I read about them in Carpe Noctem magazine and sent off a money order to purchase Elyria way back in 1994.

:ankoku butoh: is not just a new Faith & the Muse CD. Oh no, there is also a DVD and a book (not a CD case insert) of art and lyrics. The only downside to this package is that, well, it’s a bit pricey. ($29.99 USD) But! The DVD contains a concert video (filmed at Convergence XIII, and hey, I was at that show! Oh, nostalgia.), music videos for two of the tracks off of :ankoku butoh:, an interview with Monica Richards and William Faith, and a section of “Rarities and Extras” that includes videos and performance footage of tracks from previous releases. So all in all, a visual retrospective feast, especially for Faith & the Muse fans who’ve never been lucky enough to see the band perform live, or who had no idea that they had made music videos.

To me, Faith & the Muse are a classic Goth band. Their songs are always lush, with William Faith’s guitar providing a driving framework for Monica Richards’ soaring voice. Add drums, bass, occasional lashings of violin and harpsichord, and lyrics that are steeped in romance and haunting imagery, and the result is mesmerizing. Many bands have tried similar things, and come off as, well, trying, and sound like they’ve breathed in too much pretension with their AquaNet hairspray. Faith & the Muse never sound calculated, as if they sat down to figure out how to sound As Goth As Possible; their passion for what they’re doing and the ideas they want to communicate glimmers at the heart and edges of each song they create.

With :ankoku butoh:, Faith & the Muse move their focus from Celtic-tinged spiritualism to more Japanese and Shinto influences, complete with Taiko drums providing a thunderous counterpoint to William Faith’s arrangements. References to Japanese mythology and nature worship weave seamlessly into Faith & the Muse’s usual themes of becoming aware of the unseen world around us. The Faith & the Muse website Mercyground describes :ankoku butoh: as “13 brand new sonic atavisms for the warrior within”, and each song does have a sense of defiance, of standing one’s ground and standing up for one’s beliefs.

“The Woman of the Snow” opens the album with Monica Richards’ gorgeous voice layered over itself to create a wordless and shimmering curtain, trailing into the delicate, dreamlike instrumental of “Kamimukae”. “Kamimukae” builds in intensity until it crashes into the guitars at the start of “Blessed”, a passionate tribute to opening your eyes and staying true to your own personal vision. You could almost say that Faith & the Muse specialize in the sort of delicacy which grows into an anthem-like call to arms. I wouldn’t say that “Blessed” is a sure-fire Goth dance floor hit, but it is an exhilarating track that is the musical equivalent of walking through a blustery day at dusk, your hair and coattails whipping about, with shadows dodging your footsteps.

“She Waits By the Well” is another stand-out track. At first listen, it’s a hypnotic invocation of emotional devotion. It is only after listening a few more times that the obsessive and poisonous longing at the heart of the lyrics makes itself known. It’s a fabulously creepy, atmospheric song, and I would love to see one of the more Goth-influenced tribal belly dance performers (such as Serpentine, who have been performing with Faith & the Muse) perform a routine to it.

“Sovereign” is one of the songs that features William Faith on vocal duties, and it is a classic Faith & the Muse track. The layers of guitars and choruses with Monica Richards give the song a feeling of immediacy, a sense that this is the soundtrack to something unexpected and amazing happening while you’re standing in the darkened corner of the nightclub. Something that will change the day-to-day grind into something that is perhaps unsettling, but ultimately what you needed, even if you didn’t know it.

Obviously, I am enchanted with :ankoku butoh:, and am looking forward to seeing Faith & the Muse in concert again. My only quibble with the new release is that it may be a bit intimidating for people who aren’t already Faith & the Muse fans. If you’re just discovering Faith & the Muse, you may want to start out with some of their previous releases, such as Evidence of Heaven or The Burning Ground. But do yourself a favor and listen to Faith & the Muse. You won’t be sorry.

Good heavens, Snarklings! Even more questions about fashion! Which tickles the Lady of the Manners immensely, and makes her wish that she could gather up a whole flock of you and go on a group thrift store expedition. Think of what fun it would be! Descending upon several thrift stores and helping each other find treasures … but no, the Lady of the Manners will stop day-dreaming, and turn her attention to answering reader mail. Such as this letter from the charming Miss Octobass, who has a question about cropped hair and hats for ladies:

Dearest Lady of the Manners

Most sincerely
/Miss Octobass

Personally, the Lady of the Manners thinks that the contrast between a cropped or shorn head and extravagantly feminine clothing is delightful. There is nothing disrespectful about it whatsoever! In fact, the only example the Lady of the Manners can think of where a shorn head would be disrespectful would be if you were to write offensive things on your head. (Which the Lady of the Manners assumes is not what you’re doing; if you are, stop that at once.)

Mind you, of course the strong contrasts in your appearance are going to prompt people to ask you questions. But as the Lady of the Manners has said before, anyone who looks “different” or unusual ends up having to deal with curious looks and questions. The important tricks are to answer those questions in a polite way, and to not send yourself into a tizzy worrying about what other people’s reactions may be. Are you happy with your appearance? Then don’t worry about what passersby may think. If (or when, the Lady of the Manners supposes) someone asks if your cropped head is due to illness or medication, simply answer “No” in a friendly but matter-of-fact way. If the Lady of the Manners was in your shoes, she’d probably say something like “No. I just like my hair like this,” but you certainly don’t owe anyone a lengthy explanation.

As to what sort of hats you could wear with very short hair: the Lady of the Manners doesn’t mean to sound flippant, but well, all of them! Miniature hats or fascinators just need to be securely affixed to a headband (since the usual sorts of haircomb or clip attachments wouldn’t work for you). Top hats, natty bowlers, enormous Edwardian-style garden party hats; the Lady of the Manners thinks any and all of these would compliment a feminine, Victorian-ish sort of wardrobe. The important things are to make sure that the hat is comfortable (not itchy, or constantly slipping into your eyes or off your head), and that you feel confident wearing it. As many of you are well-aware, the Lady of the Manners considers feeling confident about one’s attire to be the key accessory for a well-dressed eccentric.

—

The next letter asks about a topic the Lady of the Manners covers in the Gothic Charm School book; namely, those very baggy black trousers covered with chains, buckles, and D-rings, and how they are frequently looked down upon by other, perhaps older, gothy types. Lorcan Spiro wants to know if those sorts of trousers really are a gothy faux-pas:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

Lorcan Spiro

Oh dear. The Lady of the Manners just knew that her wholesale dismissal of the sorts of pants that Tripp makes was going to come back to haunt her. You see, Tripp pants do usually have a faint air of “mallgoth” to them, through no real flaw of their own. It’s just that the people the Lady of the Manners has usually seen wearing the baggy trousers that are a-jingle with chains, buckles, and D-rings are the sort who … well, who are youngsters who seem terribly insecure in their own skin.

Are the baggy, hardware-festooned pants by Tripp a big gothy no-no? Honestly, no. They’ve gotten a certain stigma attached to them, thanks to the ease of finding them at certain chain retailers, but that doesn’t mean they’re to be avoided at all costs, and it certainly doesn’t mean that your style is in peril. Just … oh, there’s no point in trying to dance around this statement. When you wear your Tripp trousers, try very hard not to accessorize them with a stereotypical teen-aged scowl of epic surliness. Because the combination of trying to come across as So Very Grrr! And Spooky and the big black jingly pants? That combination is the somewhat eye-rolling thing, not the pants themselves. So wear your favorite red and black Tripp pants! If they make you happy, that is the important thing.

(The Lady of the Manners freely admits that she is not a fan of the big black jingly pants look, but is well aware that her fashion tastes are not held by everyone, and that’s how it ought to be.)

—

The next letter on the Gothic Charm School writing desk is from a self-proclaimed thrifty Snarkling, who wants to know how to deal with a friend who has decidedly hostile views about second-hand fashion:

Dearest Lady of the Manners,

Sincerely,
Amber, a thrifty Snarkling

How do you convince her there is nothing wrong with thrift stores? Mostly by cheerfully telling her that she’s missing out on one of the great traditions of alternative subcultures by turning her nose up at second-hand clothing. Good heavens, doesn’t your friend realize that even mainstream fashion has learned that fantastic fashion finds abound at places like Goodwill? That every fashion magazine or blog the Lady of the Manners has seen in the past year has had some sort of enthusiastic piece about the glories of thrift shopping?

As to the “gross” bit; does she think that “vintage” clothes are “gross”? Because in the Lady of the Manners’ experience, the main difference between garments labeled as “vintage” and items that are found in thrift stores is usually the number on the price tag. Yes, the things you find in thrift stores are indeed pre-owned. That does not make them horrible, gross, or manky. What it does mean is that you absolutely should launder (or gently hand wash) the goodies you find at the thrift stores before you wear them. Taking a bottle of hand sanitizer with you on your thrifting expeditions would also probably be a smart thing to do.

Really, the Lady of the Manners is at a bit of a loss as to what else you could do to convince your friend that her distaste for second-hand clothing is unfounded. In the Lady of the Manners’ social circle, thrift shopping is seen as somewhat of a social event; a chance to spend time with friends and indulge in the thrill of the hunt of searching for a diamond in the rough. Also, thrift shopping with friends is an exercise in extended creativity; sometimes you need someone else to look at an item and say “But if you made a few tiny alterations, it would be perfect!”

In the end, if your friend clings to her idea that second-hand clothing is gross, there is nothing you can do about it. Just smile sweetly when she waxes envious about your wardrobe, and perhaps occasionally remind her where you found your pretties.

—

And the final letter for this edition of Gothic Charm School is from a Snarkling thinking about learning to make her own clothing:

For a long time I’ve been wanting to make my own clothing. I know I fall prominently in the rival head branch of goth.

(Note from the Lady of the Manners: she probably meant “rivethead”.)

Yet I always tend to be swept off my feet by the other branches of goth. But recently money had started to become tight for me. Due to the economy, some business matters, and with school, I’ve come to find myself tightening on money. Would this be the best time to learn how to make my own clothing. And if so, what sewing machine would you recommend?

The Lady of the Manners is going to let you in on a secret that really shouldn’t be a secret. Making your own clothing from scratch is actually more expensive than purchasing off-the-rack garments, especially so if you’re just learning how to sew. There’s the cost of materials, and the cost of your time that you spend cutting out the pattern, pinning things, sewing, ripping out the almost inevitable mistakes …

But! That does not mean that the Lady of the Manners is telling you not to learn how to make your own clothing! No, not at all! However, the Lady of the Manners is suggesting a more practical approach: get yourself a sewing machine, and then learn how to tailor and customize thrift store finds. That way some of the more difficult construction work is already done and won’t reduce you to tears of frustration, but you are able to put your own unique twist on items by adding trim, rows of D-rings for corset-lacing effects, or combining garments to make entirely new items from their bones.

As to what sewing machine the Lady of the Manners would recommend, she’s going to go against common wisdom here, common wisdom being that you purchase the best tools you possibly can for a job. No, the Lady of the Manners strongly believes that if you are just starting out with sewing, you should check the sales for your local JoAnn Fabrics or Sears stores and pick up one of the basic sewing machines made by Brother or White. While those machines aren’t terribly fancy, they’re good, basic, sturdy machines, and can put up with a lot of abuse and neglect from a novice. If you find that you really do like sewing, and do a lot of it, then you can eventually upgrade to a fancier sewing machine. But to start out? An inexpensive, no-frills machine will serve your needs better than one with all the bells and whistles.

—

Coming up at Gothic Charm School in the very near future, there will be reviews of Miniature Menagerie by Toy-Box Trio (very fun!), ankoku butoh by Faith and the Muse (swooningly gorgeous, but what else would you expect from Faith and the Muse?), and goodies from Peter Pauper Press. Not to mention more letters from readers! You could even send in a letter yourself, you know …

Fashion, Snarklings! Remember, the Lady of the Manners said that the next installment of Gothic Charm School was going to be a little more light-hearted, and be about fashion? Because many of you have written to Gothic Charm School with all sorts of questions about hair dye, where to find fashion inspiration, and how to combine an elaborate sense of style with a corporate life. Oh, and a question about Disneyland!

The first round of questions is from Dahlia:

question: Dear Lady of Manners:

Dahlia

Has your father said why he doesn’t want you to dye your bangs blue? Is he worried that it would be damaging to your hair, or that it would cause a mess? Ask him what his concerns are, and give him information to reassure him that you won’t be setting yourself up for disaster. Most blue hair dyes (and other eccentric or vivid hair color products) are of the semi-permanent vegetable dye variety, and leave a deposit of color on your hair. Of course, if you have dark hair, you’ll have to bleach your hair to a blond color so the blue will show up, and bleach can be a tricky thing to work with. Websites such as Crazy Hair and Velvet Dragon have good guides for how to bleach, color, and clean up from wacky hair dyes. If your father is still not convinced enough to approve your dream of inky blue hair, another option for you is to experiment with clip-in streaks, such as the Strange Strips from Manic Panic.

Oh, you’ve read Soulless by Gail Carriger! The Lady of the Manners thought it was a fabulous romp of a book, and is eagerly looking forward to the sequel. As to the connection between Steampunk and octopodes: Jules Verne is considered to be one of the forefathers of the whole concept of Steampunk, and his book Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea does indeed feature a giant octopus. Of course, there may be other connections between steampunk and the noble cephalopod, but Jules Verne is the connection that immediately sprang to the Lady of the Manners’ mind.

Finally, convincing your family to use your free Disneyland passes (you lucky thing!) to go to Bats’ Day. (For those not in the know, Bats’ Day In The Fun Park is an annual, non-Disney sanctioned event where oodles and oodles of Goths all visit Disneyland.) The Lady of the Manners has attended one Bats’ Day, and longs to go to another. Have you talked to your parents at all about Bats’ Day? The Lady of the Manners suggests that you sit down with them and go through the photo galleries from previous Bats’ Days, and show them that there are Goths of all ages having fun at the event. There’s even a special Goth families photo gathering organized for the people who are there with multiple generations of spooky types and their relatives. The photos should help show your parents that going to Disneyland for Bats’ Day will be a way to make your trip to the Magic Kingdom even more fun and entertaining.

—
Meg, who is looking for suggestions for where to look for fashion inspiration (and admits to following the Lady of the Manners’ LiveJournal), had the following questions:

Dear Lady of the Manners,

-Meg

The Lady of the Manners is sad to say that she doesn’t really know of any communities on LiveJournal similar to egl and daily_lolita that have a strictly Gothic style. (You would think that the gothfash LJ community would be a treasure-trove of gothy fashion photos, but no. The moderators of gothfash do try to persuade the members of the community to post content other than links to people’s eBay auctions, but alas, there is still a dearth of photos.) The Lady of the Manners is fond of the photo_decadent and the steamfashion communities, but admits that they’re not exactly Goth-specific.

The Lady of the Manners, when looking for fashion ispiration, will marvel at the lovely photos on the Viona Art site, especially the Wave Gotik Treffen galleries. Or she will lose hours and hours playing around on Polyvore, making her own version of paper doll sets. (Because really, Polyvore is the biggest set of paper dolls a gothy type could ask for.) Make sure to occasionally page through the fashion magazines to see what sort of photo editorials they’re featuring, especially in the autumn and winter (the traditional times for the fashion industry to rediscover the the Goth subculture).

As for finding more professional or corporate Goth fashion inspiration, the Lady of the Manners feels no one can really go wrong with vintage or antique -influenced styles. Jackets or blazers with Victorian lines, waistcoats, or blouses with lace details all convey a Goth air without looking like you’ve just skulked out of a darkened nightclub.

If your style is not tinged with a Victorian air, then perhaps look for items with good tailoring and interesting lines. A well-fitted suit jacket, trousers of a good cut and subtly interesting fabric, a sweater with an oversized cowl neck and fluid folds; all of those things blur the boundaries (in a good way) of corporate and subcultural dress codes.

The true key, however, to a more corporate-looking Goth wardrobe is the quality of the fabrics. Avoid crushed velvet, PVC or vinyl, or see-through lace without a slip or camisole. Yes, the Lady of the Manners knows very well that mainstream fashion frequently dabbles with all of those fabrics, but if your aesthetic is already tinged with darkness, adding “edgier” fabrics to that style can perhaps push your fashions into not-quite work appropriate. (Unless, of course, you’re employed in a industry that doesn’t really care about dress codes, such as the tech world. But even then, the Lady of the Manners would not recommend wearing a see-through lace dress or a vinyl catsuit to work.)

The Lady of the Manners hopes that her suggestions will help you find more inspiration for creating your Goth wardrobe. Good luck!

—

Lunar Crymsine had a question about combining Victorian Goth fashion with function and practicality:

Dearest Lady of the Manners,

Lunar Crymsine

The Lady of the Manners isn’t going to try and tell you that your concerns about your preferred attire being not entirely practical for your new profession are unfounded, because that would just be silly. But don’t despair! There are ways that you can indulge your fondness for dark and Victorian fashions and not risk ruining them in the course of your work.

Skirts with antique air are still something you can wear to your job, you just need to sure that they don’t have lace trim on the hems, and that they’re not longer than calf-length. Also, as much as it pains the Lady of the Manners to say this, perhaps you should not indulge in petticoats. In her experince, hair salons are full of things that could be knocked over by petticoat-enhanced skirts, and manuvering in them in narrow quarters can be a bit tricky.

Corsets may not be something you can wear to your job, but fitted bodices or waistcoats can give the same sort of smooth, shapely line. If you really want the nipped-in sillhouette of a corset, you may want to investigate some of the simple, off-the-rack cinchers that companies such as Lip Service make, or the elastic-backed cincher-style belts from Heavy Red.

Lace trim is really the only difficult thing to work around. For you’re quite right, any and all lace trim will be a magnet for any hair clippings, no matter how vigorously you may wield a lint brush. Either you will need to resign yourself to constant laundering and brushing, or you will need to search for items that strike your fancy but are relatively free of frills. Perhaps you could go for a very severe Victorian governess look, with high-collared blouses with clean, simple lines and not much in the way of lace frippery. You could also look into adapting something similar to a Victorian gardening smock or motoring duster to wear over your clothing to protect it while you are on the job.

There may come a point in your hair stylist career that you decide that it is easier to have a dark-hued wardrobe accented with Victorian accessories, instead of trying to combine more elaborate fashions with a job prone to messes. Many Goths have work lives that don’t mix with an elaborate wardrobe, and they save their finery for their days off, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

—

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to spend hours and hours a little bit of time playing around on Polyvore and planning her outfits for the next the work week. Coming soon on Gothic Charm School, reviews of the new Toy-Box Trio and Faith And The Muse CDs, and some advice for the flocks of very young babybats who have been writing in as of late. Speaking of writing in … oh, you know what that link is for, the Lady of the Manners is sure of it.

Hey look, it’s time for another installment of Show And Tell at Gothic Charm School! Featuring Noxenlux Chapeaux.

I have a … weakness … for hats. My hat collection is rather large, and I am especially fond of miniature hats. Mini top hats, mini tricorns, whimsical little things festooned with ribbons and feathers (and maybe skulls) I can perch on my head; yes, please! And some of the favorites in my collection were made by Noxenlux Chapeaux!

The hats from Noxenlux Chapeaux are marvels of construction and intricate touches. In fact, Carlee (the temptress behind Noxenlux Chapeaux, who keeps luring me into acquiring even more hats) is one of a handful of people I would call a milliner instead of a hat maker. What’s the difference, you may ask? A milliner (in my eyes) is someone who constructs their hats by hand and creates their own designs, while a hat maker is someone who takes pre-existing hats and decorates them. I’m not snubbing hat makers, not at all! Goodness, I indulge in hat making when I have the free time and unearth a spare hat. But being a milliner is an entirely different level of artwork, and I am in awe of people who can manage it.

The hats from Noxenlux Chapeaux are made from scratch with buckram and millinery wire, or are blocked by hand from wool felt. After that well-crafted starting point, the hats go on to be covered with luxuriant fabrics, or embellished with beautiful ribbons and trim. Decorations such as clusters of feathers, cameos, interesting bits of metalwork, crystals, or cast resin skulls are then added as finishing touches.

Carlee spends a lot of time and effort on the hats she creates, and it shows. Whether a Steampunk top hat with fabric that features clock faces, or a striped tricorn that looks like it came off of the set of a movie, it’s apparent that each hat she creates was devised with a master plan and an eye for detail, rather than a haphazard collection of ideas and decorations.

Noxenlux Chapeaux has a range of hat designs that include miniature top hats and tricorns, pillbox hats, burlesque-inspired fascinators and tilt hats, larger top hats, and the occasional bowler hat or newsboy-style cap. In addition, Noxenlux Chapeaux will create a custom hat if you don’t find quite what you’re looking for on the website.

I have the good fortune to own four hats by Noxenlux Chapeaux: two mini tricorns, and two Victorian-styled tilt top hats. They are gorgeous. One of the tricorns is made from a black and pink striped fabric and decorated with black ribbons and pink feathers. As my wardrobe is heavily weighted toward black, pink, and stripy, this is a perfect hat for me. The other tricorn is made from black fabric featuring a lovely scrollwork and skulls pattern (the infamous Alexander Henry “Skullduggery” fabric, which is getting increasingly hard to find!), and has some jaunty black feathers. I made a skirt in the same fabric, which means I was pretty much destined to own that particular tricorn.

(The wonderful thing about mini tricorns and top hats is that they’re fancy things that can be worn to events like, oh, concerts, plays, or movies, without worrying that your choice in accessories may be blocking the view of the person behind you. Sure, scoff if you’d like, but it’s rude to wear a hat that would do that. What’s that? Don’t wear a hat to such an event? That’s just crazy talk.)

The Victorian-ish tilt hats are insanely charming. They are just the right size to sit on one’s head without needing hair combs attached to keep them in place, but they are smaller and lighter than full-size top hats. After I acquired the pink & black one, I rapidly realized that I needed an all-black one for “everyday” wear. (Yes, really. Of course top hats are everyday wear!)

In short, are you looking for a hat? (Of course you have been, if only in idle daydreams.) Then scamper over to Noxenlux Chapeaux and browse. You won’t be disappointed!

Questions, Snarklings! So many questions! In fact, the Lady of the Manners isn’t going to spend any more time writing an introductory paragraph or two, but is going to jump straight to answering letters from readers. Such as this one, from Wayward Victorian:

question: My dear Lady,

Sincerely yours,
Wayward Victorian

Oh, you poor creature, having your wardrobe confiscated! In the course of the nasty arguments, has your mother ever given you an explanation of why she objects to your gothy Victorian garments? Because if she can tell you why she started feeling that your fashion choices were “too goth” and why that upset her, then perhaps you can gently convince her that she has nothing to be concerned about. The Lady of the Manners doesn’t know what your mother’s objections may be, but the usual parental qualms about a gothy wardrobe tend to be:

- Other people will look at you strangely or treat you poorly.
- How you choose to dress might cause people to judge them as bad parents.
- They want you to “look like everyone else”.

As readers of Gothic Charm School know, the Lady of the Manners doesn’t consider any of those to be terribly valid. Yes, dressing in an eccentric or flamboyant manner will prompt people to look at you oddly, or treat you differently. However, some people will look at someone oddly or treat them differently for no reason whatsoever, just as people may label someone a “bad parent” for a variety of inconsequential reasons. So the Lady of the Manners doesn’t see why you shouldn’t dress to please yourself, as long as you’re aware of what sort of reactions you might inspire, and don’t fall into the trap of complaining “OMG, why are they staring at meeeeeeee?!” when you look like you’ve escaped from a Victorian asylum.

As to looking like everyone else or looking “normal”; well, those things are in no way a guarantee of untroubled happiness. The Lady of the Manners knows that she would be quite unhappy if she were (for some reason) forced to give up her velvet jackets and petticoats, because dressing in her finery is one of the things that makes her very happy indeed. Blending in with “everyone else” is sometimes nothing more than camouflage to hide misery and depression.

The Lady of the Manners quite understands not wanting to start any more arguments, but if you are happiest with your Victorian-esque attire, then you have to talk to your mother about your upcoming “adult” birthday, and the fact that you wish to make your own choices about how you present yourself to the world. Stand up for what you want, and gently but firmly explain to your mother that you would like your wardrobe returned to you. Try not to get overly upset or frustrated; however make it clear that you choose your clothes to make yourself happy and confident, and while it would be nice if your mother approved of your wardrobe choices, she shouldn’t keep your things from you.

—

Hello there, good Lady. It’s been a long time since I submitted a question, mostly because you’ve covered such a range of topics I can normally find what I need in the archives. Your solid wisdom and sound, mature advice is good to fall back on when things get awkward in my life, and I’ve learned from you that common sense and basic politeness solve nearly everything.

Regards,
Jaylinn

Jaylinn, go talk to your RA right now. He ripped a sink out of the main hall and threw it at someone? He’s acted aggressively and violently toward you? That is not someone “merely” being disagreeable, a jerk, or being dismissive of people who don’t share their opinions. That is someone who is a danger to other people, and the authorities at your school need to be alerted. Is there someone with more clout than the RA that you can talk to, perhaps campus security, whomever your RA reports to, your advisor, or one of your professors?

This is not “so much drama over such a small matter”, Jaylinn. Over the period of one week, he repeatedly physically assaulted you. Physical assault needs to be reported to campus security or the police, as soon as possible, every time. Corroboration, either from other people who’ve been subjected to this behavior from him, or who have witnessed him assaulting you or others, would be very important as well. These sorts of actions must be documented. If he believes that physical violence is okay because he disagrees with someone’s opinion, the Lady of the Manners does not want to think about what he would do if he really lost his temper. So please, do not feel you are overreacting or sounding whiny.

As to how to voice your concerns without sounding like a “whiny little kid”: nothing about your letter was whiny or childish sounding, but the Lady of the Manners feels that your strongest statements were in the final paragraph, where you outlined the assaults he’s already perpetrated. Go to whomever has the most authority to discipline or restrain this person, and explain the situation to them just as you did to the Lady of the Manners.

Good luck, and stay safe!

—

Dearest Lady Of The Manners,
Firstly, I must say that your site is most wonderful, and it is just lovely to see someone taking charge and helping some of the more troubled of the black clad masses.

Sweetest Maleficia

Oh … dear. The Lady of the Manners has read your letter over and over, and is still a bit unsure what to say. No, there isn’t anything you could do to change his mind. Not about his views on alcohol, and not about how he treats you when he doesn’t like how you look. It pains the Lady of the Manners to say this, but she doesn’t think that you and your fiancé are a good match for each other. It sounds like you do love each other, but that you also want to change each other. Yes, people in relationships do end up changing each other over the years, but going into a relationship (and especially a marriage) where there are things that you want to change completely about your partner usually ends … not well. Not always disastrously, mind you, but still not well. Relationships are about give and take, and about communication and happy compromises. Your partner disapproving of what you wear, or you trying to change his anti-drink stance are things that the Lady of the Manners suspects you’ll never reach a happy compromise about.

The advice the Lady of the Manners does have for you is for you and your fiancé to sit down and really talk about these issues. Yes, the talk will probably become heated and argumentative, but you need to talk about how his taunting or refusal to talk to you when you wear certain items is hurtful, and not something a loving partner should do. You also need to talk about how your attempts to convince him to try alcohol or to change his beliefs are also not things a loving partner should do, because they’re not. Nor is his “treating you like dirt for the next 2 weeks” when you do have a drink.

In short, you two need to talk about things, and see if you can reach an understanding about who you both are, and learn to accept each other’s different outlooks and opinions. And it’s better to have those sorts of long, possibly painful discussions now rather than after you’ve said your marriage vows.
—

Goodness, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners picked some of the more upsetting letters from the Gothic Charm School mailbox, didn’t she? But those are the sorts of letters that absolutely need answering, even if they do cause the Lady of the Manners to pace around and hold worried conversations with her stuffed vampire bunny.

What’s coming up next at Gothic Charm School? Oh, a review of Noxenlux Chapeau! Also, there has been a lot of mail asking for help finding gothy clothing, so the Lady of the Manners feels that perhaps it’s time for another column on fashion.

The Lady of the Manners is sure that all of you know how to contact Gothic Charm School, but here’s a hint: visit the “Correspondence” page that’s listed over there on the right side of the page …

Fables and Fields Green from Seattle-based Blackbird Orchestra is a CD that shimmers with a nostalgia for something I can’t quite express. Listening to this CD is like listening to the perfect soundtrack for an idealized John Hughes movie about sensitive-yet-cynical hopeless romantics.

There’s no sarcasm in that previous paragraph. The guitar-anchored sound of Blackbird Orchestra alone would be enough to fill me with wistful nostalgic glee for a time when “alternative” music had guitars, strong melodies, and no rage-filled screaming OR tweedly-beep keyboards. There are many bands nowadays who aren’t much more than than a laundry list of their influences; the most fun in listening is to play the game of “spot the influence”. But Blackbird Orchestra neatly sidestep that pitfall; they take the nostalgic recognition they evoke and go on to craft something entirely new with it. Something with guitars, soaring vocals, and a sense that they’re creating these songs because they want to, not because they need to live up to some sort of prefab “image”.

For me, the standout tracks on Fables And Fields Green are “Blood And Earth”, “Hypatia”, and “Hollowland”. Those are the songs that have woven themselves into part of my brain, the songs I find myself humming as I try and drift off to sleep.

I tend to relate to music as a soundtrack for emotions and for movies that might not exist, which is why I find myself so fond of Blackbird Orchestra. “Hollowland” is a song for walking around by yourself on a blustery autumn day, scrunching through the fallen leaves and trying to decide what you want to do with yourself, while the sweeping guitars and vocals match your feelings of yearning for something; you just haven’t quite figured out what it is yet. “Hollowland” has a sense of cheerful melancholy to it, the feeling that what you really want is just around that next corner, just past those spindly, skeletal trees.

“Hypatia”, on the other hand, is the sort of song that all of us of a Certain Age (or generation of Goth) would have expected to hear in our local Goth club during the early part of the evening. Not one that you would necessarily feel compelled to dance to, but that sort of soaring sonic wall that set the mood as you stood at the bar purchasing your first drink of the night, looking around to see what new or familiar faces were out. Jangling rhythm guitar and a strong drum line getting you in the mood for a night of exploration and gossip, while the melody winds your nerves up to a state of pleasurable anticipation.

“Blood And Earth” is the song I find myself going back to repeatedly. But that may have something to do with the fact that I can hear it as the song being played over an opening credits montage for a movie; that comment I made about this CD being the perfect soundtrack for an idealized John Hughes movie is proven the most with this song. “Blood And Earth” sounds like the result of a secret collaboration between The Psychedelic Furs and The Cure, with each verse pulling you by the hand to the chorus.

So yes, I very much like Blackbird Orchestra. I’ve been lucky enough to see them perform live once, and am hoping to catch more shows by them in the future. If you’re someone who enjoys the bittersweet feelings of happy nostalgia for things that haven’t actually happened, then Fables And Fields Green is what you’ve been hoping to find.