Of Cross-Generational Concert Etiquette; or Kids Today and Their Loud Music

Posted on June, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

You see, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners recently attended an ”¦ arena rock show. Yes, it’s true. The Lady of the Manners has a not-so-secret fondness for bands that indulge in power chords, theatrics, and eyeliner; which means that every now and again, the Lady of the Manners finds herself at Big! Rock! Shows. And this most recent time, the Lady of the Manners realized that perhaps she should talk about cross-generational concert etiquette.

“Cross-generational?” you may be asking. Well, yes. At this last concert, the Lady of the Manners was bemused (and perhaps just a touch horrified) at some of the behavior she saw on both ends of the age spectrum at the concert. No, it wasn’t just the antics of the younger attendees that caused the Lady of the Manners to raise her eyebrows, but also the behavior of the “grown-ups” at the concert.

For the parents who are escorting younger fans to concerts, the Lady of the Manners asks that you try to remember what it was like to be a giddy teen getting to see a favorite band, and not wear your tolerant and world-weary amusement quite so openly. No matter how silly you think the kids are being. Admittedly, if you’re attending the show in the role of chaperone, the kids you’re with are going to probably to view you with a small amount of embarrassment anyway, but try not to add to it by obviously indulging in an “Oh goodness, aren’t they cute and silly” attitude.

With that said, the Lady of the Manners feels she has to warn the “grown-up” fans that they may find themselves saying and thinking things that they don’t expect. At the most recent concert, the Lady of the Manners was appalled to hear the words “Do your parents know you’re dressed like that?!” coming out of her mouth. In the Lady of the Manners’ defense, she didn’t actually say them to the young fan in question, but to one of the Lady of the Manners’ companions. But the instant after the Lady of the Manners uttered that phrase, she turned to her friend and said ”˜I didn’t really just say that, did I?” (Of course, in retrospect, the Lady of the Manners is still a little shocked at the sight of what had to be a young lady under the age of 13 wearing little more than a micro-mini and a bra, but still. The Lady of the Manners never expected to blurt out one of the most clichéd adult phrases.)

To the younger fans, however, the Lady of the Manners would like to point out that adults staring at you might not always be in shocked disapproval, but because they’re trying not to burst out laughing at the sight of a scrawny and shirtless pre-teen boy swaggering around with “Free Sex!” scrawled on his chest. The Lady of the Manners is sure that this young man thought he was being terribly daring and shocking, but ”¦ well, not so much.

If you are attending a show as part of a mixed-age group, be sure to negotiate boundaries before the evening of the concert. Impassioned arguments about whether or not someone is allowed to go up front to the pit or to walk around with friends and no adults, while great comedy for innocent bystanders, will probably put a damper on the evening for you. Also, be aware of what sort of concert you’re going to, and for heaven’s sake, don’t complain about the volume level. Bring ear plugs like the rest of us do.

If you decide to brave the pit at a General Admission show, be smart about it. Yes, everyone wants to get to the front of the barricades. Your (or your child’s) wanting to be there does not give you more of a right to it than anyone else, which means you should treat everyone the way you would want to be treated. (The Lady of the Manners does seem to come back to that point a lot, doesn’t she?) This means you shouldn’t shove or trample anyone. The “front rows” at General Admission shows are crowded and chaotic enough without anyone trying to claw and shove their way to the front.

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to take a look at the announced dates for a couple of different summer rock festivals and try to decide if she’s willing to endure an all-day outdoor show. (The Lady of the Manners knows that not only would she probably not be allowed to bring a parasol with her to a festival, but that blocking the other attendees’ views would be terribly rude.) As always, feel free to write to the Lady of the Manners!

Posted in Clubbing & Concerts | Leave a comment

Why the Month of May Didn’t Exist Here, Plus Answering a Reader Letter

Posted on June, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

The Lady of the Manners is very sorry for not posting anything during May, Snarklings. May was a bit of a blur of work chaos, concerts, preparing for, and then attending Convergence 13. The Lady of the Manners has swarms of letters to answer, and is going to try to post helpful (but possibly quick!) replies to them in the very near future.

The Lady of the Manners had a delightful time at Convergence 13. It was a lovely whirlwind of dressing up, reconnecting with old friends, and meeting charming new people. The weekend seemed far, far too short. Speaking of meeting charming new people, the Lady of the Manners thought that the couple who kept referring to her as “Miss Cupcake” were particularly sweet. (You see, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners favors a black-with-pink-accents color scheme in her wardrobe, so the “Miss Cupcake” thing isn’t quite as incomprehensible as it might at first appear. In fact, the Lady of the Manners has decided to start describing her particular strain of neo-Victorian Perkygoth ””with extra pink frills!”” as Cupcake Goth, and has the beginnings of an essay about the whole thing rattling around in her head. Consider this a sort of advance warning, Snarklings. Ponderings on what it means to be a Cupcake Goth, coming soon! Probably.)

Of particular importance and delight to the Lady of the Manners was having the chance to meet people she has idolized from afar, such as the staff of Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, who are a collection of entrancing Mad Geniuses, just as the Lady of the Manners always suspected; and Jill Tracy, who is enormously talented and gorgeous, also just as the Lady of the Manners always suspected.

The Lady of the Manners would also like to extend a heartfelt “Thank you!” to Marc from Seraphemera Books for kindly offering to display the Lady of the Manners’ cards at the Seraphemera Books table in the Vendors’ Room. Seraphemera Books is the home of The Romantigoth Coloring Book and the Polyglot and Spleen comic book series. Both of those titles display a sense of elegant whimsy that is all-too-frequently missing in portrayals of the Goth world.

And now, so this meant-to-be-quick update isn’t made up entirely of “C13 Yay!” squee-ing, the Lady of the Manners presents a honest-to-goodness Letter From a Reader:

Dear Lady of Manners
I first must confess that my question is less about manners and more about goth-ness in general. You see, I have no dyed hair, numerous piercings, or PVC clothing. I am no baby bat dripping eyeliner with every blink but I do have a closet full of black. I do have a shelf full of poetry books ranging from Keats to Ginsberg, and yeah, I err on the side of poetically morose.
So at what point can I, or anyone really, consider themselves “goth”. I realize that goth is what you are and not what you look like, but for the sake of self identity and declaration, I can not help but ask your opinion.

Sincerely,
Can’t Help But Wonder

Dear Can’t Help But Wonder,

In the Lady of the Manners’ humble opinion, you sound like you would be someone the Lady of the Manners would consider Goth. In the Lady of the Manners view, while Goth is partly about the outward appearance one presents, it is *also* about the aesthetic that one holds close to one’s heart. A shelf full of poetry books? Describing yourself as “poetically morose”? AND a closet full of black? Gracious, Snarkling, it does indeed sound like you should be counted as a member of the spooky and darkly-clad subculture.

Does this mean that every person who likes poetry and has a monochromatic wardrobe should have the Goth label applied to them? No, of course not. But those things do put one closer to the Goth side of the world. As the Lady of the Manners has said before, Goth is largely about finding beauty and whimsy in odd and dark places. If you’re the type of person who does search for those things in places most people think are weird or creepy, then you probably have an appreciation for some of the other, more stereotypical, trappings of the subculture. You don’t have to have oddly-colored hair or a face full of piercings to be a Goth. You have to be secure in knowing who you are and what you find beautiful, interesting, and worth your time.

With that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to continue working on her backlog of letters from you. There will probably be upcoming holdings-forth on cross-generational concert etiquette, some fashion advice, and a longer look at Goth vs. Emo. (Oh, the letters the Lady of the Manners has been getting about Emo, Snarklings!) Yes, all of those in addition to the previously-mentioned essay-type-thing about Cupcake Goth!

Of course, if there is a topic you’d rather see Lady of the Manners cover, then by all means write to the Lady of the Manners ”¦

Posted in Being Mannerly, General, Stuff & Oddments | Leave a comment

Goodbye Cruel Internets; or The Great Flounce-Off

Posted on April, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

Hello Snarklings! The Lady of the Manners knows that this is a rare occurrence, but this month’s lesson is indeed the one the Lady of the Manners threatened … er promised last month. Not because the Lady of the Manners doesn’t have other topics to address; good heavens, no! (In fact, the Lady of the Manners has been noticing an upswing in letters from readers, which is very gratifying.) But the Lady of the Manners feels she absolutely needs to do her part to help stop a particular epidemic of bad behavior.

The Lady of the Manners is sure that all of you have seen the horrible and petty behavior the Lady of the Manners is speaking of; if you’ve spent any time at all on the Internet, you’ve encountered this behavior many times. (The Lady of the Manners fervently hopes you haven’t indulged in it yourselves; if you have, don’t spoil her illusions.) Wherever there are multiple people posting, be it on blogs, message boards, LiveJournal, MySpace, or newsgroups, a version of the following will happen at some point:

“No one understands me / You are all SO MEAN / I am misunderstood! I am GOING TO LEAVE (delete my journal / user profile / stomp off in a huff)!”

This sort of behavior is commonly referred to as “Goodbye Cruel Internets!” or “I’m taking my toys and going home!”

One of the problems with pulling the Great Flounce-Off is that, well, it’s a lot like the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. No one really believes that the person threatening to leave actually will. It’s seen as a cheap ploy for attention, a cue for other people to exclaim “No, no! We love you! Please don’t go! You’re obviously right about everything!”

Yes, that’s a harsh interpretation. But it’s a very accurate one. And, to a degree, the Flouncer gets what they want; there are always people who rush to reassure the original poster that everyone DOES like them, and that everyone would be shattered and bereft if they went away. But if the Flouncer has any self-awareness at all, they might notice that the outpouring of adoration isn’t as overwhelming as they had hoped; that it’s almost as if some people were not saying anything at all. Of course, the type of people who resort to the Goodbye Cruel Internets ploy usually are not brimming with self-awareness, so they probably don’t notice the lack of universal praise and just keep throwing these sorts of tantrums whenever they’re upset or not getting their way.

Now, the Lady of the Manners is aware that some people who state that they are deleting their journals or leaving a message board or forum are not indulging in a dramatic reading of Goodbye Cruel Internets, but really have decided to stop participating in that particular venue. But the difference in tone between the two styles is, at least to the Lady of the Manners, very obvious. People who have decided to move on usually state their decision in terms of “I’ve decided to focus my energies elsewhere”, or “Things are getting busy for me and I don’t have the time to keep up with this”, whereas variations of the Great Flounce-Off include “I don’t think anyone understands what I’m trying to say, so I’m just going to stop posting”, or “It’s obvious that I’m making everyone upset or offending them, so I should stop posting”. One of the tell-tale markers of something from the Goodbye Cruel Internets script is the undercurrent of the person seeking validation or reassurance that they shouldn’t go away.

So! In the hopes of stopping the epidemic of flouncing off in a huff that seems to be overtaking the Internet, the Lady of the Manners has some helpful suggestions.

Suggestion the First: If you realize that you’ve indulged in this sort of behavior in the past, DO NOT repeat it. The Lady of the Manners is quite serious. If you catch yourself writing something that sounds even remotely like it could be taken from the Goodbye Cruel Internets script, stop and do not post it. Instead, ask a close friend or two for a sanity check about what is going on, and listen to what they say, even if it isn’t what you want to hear. Be very aware that while indulging in those sorts of posts might make you feel better in the short term, you will be alienating other people and making yourself an object of bemused pity, if not outright scorn and ridicule.

Suggestion the Second: If you see someone performing the Great Flounce-Off, do not rush to console or reassure them. Ignore them. If they are a close friend, contact them privately and let them know that they need to stop throwing tantrums to get people’s attention. How tactful you wish to be about bringing this to their attention is up to you; while the Lady of the Manners is always in favor of tact and diplomacy, sometimes you need to be blunt and say “You’re being an ass. Did you mean to be?”

Suggestion the Third: Sometimes Goodbye Cruel Internets can be worrying. If it sounds like the person posting is contemplating self-harm, contact someone close to them. Contact their parents, their spouse, their close friends, and let them know you’re worried. Yes, you might be overreacting, but the Lady of the Manners feels it is better to take someone posting about self-harm seriously and be wrong than to just ignore it and have a tragic outcome. If the person posting didn’t really mean it and gets angry with you for interfering, point out to them that if they didn’t want that sort of attention, they probably should be a leetle more careful about what they write.

You see, Snarklings? This is what happens when the Lady of the Manners spends too much time on the Internet. She gets all ranty and wants to shake some sense into people. However, the Lady of the Manners is instead going to catch up on some more mail from readers and decide what next month’s lesson should address. If you have a question, please do send the Lady of the Manners a letter. The Lady of the Manners can’t promise you’ll get a reply, but stranger things have been known to happen.

Posted in Being Mannerly, Being Social, General | Leave a comment

Gothic Charm School in the News!

Posted on April, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

Yes Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners was interviewed about Gothic Charm School by a very nice gentleman from Sun Media! Read the interview here.

Posted in General, News | Leave a comment

Raising Babybats; or On Being a Gothy Parent

Posted on March, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

Well Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners thought she knew what this month’s lesson was going to be about. But that was before the Lady of the Manners received a couple of letters with the same heartfelt query. A heartfelt query that the Lady of the Manners could not ignore: Do you have to turn in your Goth Card once you become a parent?

Dear Head Mistress,

I have been a Goth since I was 13. I am more of an industrial Goth (I
wear stompy boots even to my government job) I wear sparse make-up
(think Lydia Deitz a la Beetlejuice) and I have short hair. I am
currently 25-years-old and mother of two glorious children. I am
married to a non-Goth. My question is this: does being a mother ruin
your Goth creds? Am I no longer a Goth because I have two children
and a non-Goth husband? Believe me, I feel that I am Goth through and
through, and so do my friends. I plan on being a Goth forever, it is
in my blood. I just like living life too.
Also, does wearing well applied but sparse make-up make one not Goth?
I would very much value your opinion. I am having a bit of an
identity crisis. Thank you.

Yours,

Jill Momma Goth

****

dearest headmistress,
i am finding conflict between myself, a goth since 11, now going on
27. i have been wed for 8 years now to a wonderfully dark man who
looks like the bastard son of alice cooper (and yes i know thats not
the artists real name.) alas the problem im facing is that now that
we have two lovely little girls, im having difficultly being mysterious
and foreboding with two little ones tugging at my skirts. my lady, is
it time to retire my dark ways? do you have any wisdom to share with
one who has been givin the title of “mommy”?
With gratitude,
Melissa

Is it time to retire your dark ways? Does being a mother ruin your Goth cred? Good heavens, NO. Not in the slightest.

Now, the Lady of the Manners can see where this sort of confusion or worry springs from. To many people (including those who are part of the spookily-clad masses), being a Goth involves a regular schedule of nightclubbing, parties, and a wildly impractical taste in clothing. If that is all being a Goth is to them, then of course it seems as if being a Goth is incompatible with being a parent.

However, for the majority of the spooky creatures of the night, being a Goth means more than just clubs, parties, and eccentric clothing. (Though the Lady of the Manners is fond of all those things, and is rather infamously devoted to the “eccentric clothing” part of it.) Being a Goth means that you have an appreciation for the beauty that can be found in darkness or decay; that you have a healthy sense of the absurd, an appreciation for whimsy, and are not afraid to be your own person. In the Lady of the Manners’ eyes, those seem like very good qualities for a parent to have, too.

Of course, becoming a parent does require some changes to your spooky lifestyle. Going out to Goth Night at the local club can’t be quite as spur-of-the-moment as it might have once been, with the arranging for babysitters and whatnot. Not to mention, as the Lady of the Manners has learned from friends who are parents, wrangling babybats is tiring, to put it mildly. Some days, finding the energy to do more than flop on the couch and stare into space is an insurmountable obstacle. Does that mean you need to wave goodbye to your social life? Don’t be silly. It just means that the focus of your social life will probably shift more to the “evenings at home with friends” side of things, with Going Out being something that is done less frequently.

Then there’s the question of wardrobe; excessive ruffles, frills, and opulent fabrics don’t mix well with day-to-day parental life. (The Lady of the Manners can see where PVC clothing would allow for ease of clean up with a lot of messes, but the Lady of the Manners is also fairly certain that most garments made from that fabric are not in ideal styles for most parents.) Does that mean you need to give up your wardrobe of gloom? Of course not. It just means that you will need to keep “is it washable?” firmly in mind while clothes shopping. (A Helpful Hint: almost all stretch velvet IS safe to throw in the washer and dryer, as long as you stick to lower-temperature settings. If the label says “poly/spandex”, you should be able to ignore that pesky “Dry Clean Only” tag.)

The Lady of the Manners is strongly in favor of Goths becoming parents. (After all, there’s a reason why there are Gothic Charm School baby clothes available.) In fact, the only concern the Lady of the Manners has about Goths being parents is that some may try a little too hard to turn their children into perfect little clones of Wednesday and Pugsley Addams. It’s all well and fine to dress them in clothes that say “Babybat” and give them fuzzy toy monsters to hug, but don’t feel betrayed if they like Disney cartoons and sports, too. Remember that children are separate people from you, with their own (frequently strongly-expressed) likes and dislikes.

Something that all Goth parents still need to watch out for is hostility and disapproval from other people. Sadly, there are many misguided people out there who think Goths are not fit to be parents. An opinion which the Lady of the Manners feels is utter nonsense, of course, but that doesn’t stop interfering busybodies from glaring accusingly (or worse!) at Goth parents. Ignore those types whenever possible (but ignore them with a polite smile!), and instead concentrate on raising your babybats to be happy, well-adjusted, and possibly spooky.

What about those of you, like the Lady of the Manners, who aren’t parents but whose friends are? Firstly, don’t assume that their having children means that they have lost all interest in anything but their children. Most parents are eager for (if not desperately craving!) conversation with people about something other than their children. Just be aware that no matter how involving or fascinating that conversation may be, it will get interrupted at times by the necessities of child-rearing. That’s just how things are, and getting annoyed or frustrated with your friends or the children is ridiculous. If you are one of those people who just. Doesn’t. Like. Children (and there’s no shame in admitting so), then you need to accept that you probably won’t see your friends as often as you once might have. Just be honest with yourself AND your friends about your feelings, and try not to be antagonistic about the subject when it comes up. However, if you’re one of those people who does like children, then why not offer to babysit occasionally? Even the most devoted parents cherish a night away from their spooky bundles of joy, and would probably be delighted to give their babybats a chance to spend more time around their extended (Addams) family. If it does take a village to raise a child, there is nothing that says that the village can’t be decorated with a motif of friendly bats and crushed velvet.

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to go look fondly at pictures of the Lady of the Manners’ fairy gothchildren (Hi Trip and Princess Tickybox!), and then get a head start on writing next month’s lesson, what with the Lady of the Manners knowing the topic for it and all. Of course, if you Snarklings don’t want to read about Goodbye Cruel Internets, or the Great Flounce-Off, then feel free to send the Lady of the Manners a letter suggesting something else to write about.

Posted in General, Growing Pains | Leave a comment

On Goths Dating Non-Goths; Or Dating Outside One’s Subcultural Boundries and Why It’s Okay.

Posted on February, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

The Lady of the Manners must say, Snarklings, that she has been delighted with the letters she’s lately been receiving from all of you. Oodles of letters about all sorts of things; some of you even have been asking for help with clothing and cosmetics, two subjects the Lady of the Manners is always happy to natter on about.

But! The Lady of the Manners is not going to indulge in Holding Forth about fashion things this month. No, this month the Lady of the Manners is going to talk about a dilemma that is a concern for many Goths: can a Goth find happiness in giving their heart to someone who is not one of the spooky and black-clad throng?

Those of you with long memories may recall that the Lady of the Manners has talked about this subject before. But it seems that there are many of you out there who aren’t sure if you can or should date outside the subculture; the letter from Madeline that is quoted below is one of several the Lady of the Manners has received recently.

I once again have the pleasure and misfortune of seeking your guidence once more, you might so happen as to remember my letter I corresponded to you in January of 2006 that you were oh-so-kind as to post upon your lesson. However, this letter was not intended to be a stroll upon the twisted memory lane as I have a sincere problem I’ve been trying to tackle for quite some time;

I am in a semi-serious relationship with a boy who’ve I’ve known for quite some time. At first we were “just friends”, but then when he transferred to a different school we communicated through virtual corrispondance. When we met once more roughly a year hence from our past physical meeting I find it safe to say he found me in a… darker constitution. However, the relatioship blossomed and we have been dating for almost a year and a half.

Here’s the tricky part; he is a mundane, dearest mistress. In fact he is one the brink of redneckdom. We share a joint appreiciation for metal music and video games galore, but is it enough? When I once approached him on this subject he stated that “If you don’t judge me, I won’t judge you,” and I took him to mean it, and yet I still spy him giving the occational eye roll when I find myself gushing over gloriously ghastly decor, or oogling over Gothic inuendos. Oh plese, beloved Mistress, what’s a snarkling to do?

What’s a Snarkling to do? Sit down with the boy and say “I can’t tell if you’re rolling your eyes in fond amusement at my spooky little quirks, or if you’re rolling your eyes because you think my spooky little quirks are dumb”. Yes, the Lady of the Manners is suggesting you ask a direct question about this sort of thing. Very strongly suggesting, as a matter of fact. There is nothing to be gained by watching his every reaction to things you hold dear and trying to guess what is going on in his head. That sort of behavior will accomplish nothing but driving yourself crazy.

There is no rule that Goths must date other Goths; the Elder Goth Cabal (which doesn’t exist) has not issued any such statement, and never will. Now, the Lady of the Manners can see why people might think that Goths shouldn’t date (or marry) outside of The Scene; after all, everyone wants to spend time with people like themselves, people who share their interests. But someone liking the exact same things as you is no guarantee of romantic happiness. The Lady of the Manners really does believe that relationships are stronger when each person has interests of their own, that they don’t share with their partner. Not only because the Lady of the Manners feels it’s very important to have parts of one’s life that are separate from Being A Couple, but also because having different interests gives one that much more to talk about.

Another reason to date someone who is Not A Goth is because there are those in our spooky little subculture who ”¦ how can the Lady of the Manners phrase this? Who believe the hype, who believe that you must be Hardcore Oooky-Spooky Goth all the time. There is a difference between someone who believes that every day is Halloween and someone who thinks that washing off the eyeliner and watching cartoons while wearing pjs means you’re not a Real Goth. The Lady of the Manners feels that anyone who needs to constantly proclaim their Gothness with a Capital “G” all the time would not make a good romantic partner anyway, and probably should be pitied, not dated.

However, being involved with someone Not Like You is not without its challenges, this is true. There’s the temptation to try and give your partner a make-over; to turn them into a Goth. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, unless they really don’t want to go out to the Goth club, they don’t feel comfortable wearing all black and eye makeup, they don’t want to watch Tim Burton movies over and over, or they just don’t feel that Goth is for them. And before you stomp your little stompy boots and wail “But if they love me they’d change!”, stop and think about how you might feel if the situation were reversed. If they tried to make you over, change your appearance, drag you along to things you weren’t interested in, all because they think that if you really loved them, you’d change for them. That doesn’t sound very enticing, does it?

Which brings the Lady of the Manners right back to occasionally asking your romantic partner if they’re rolling their eyes at you in a loving, teasing manner, or if they are waiting for you to “grow out of this phase”. The first is perfectly fine, and to be expected. (The Lady of the Manners herself has been known to ask her wonderful husband that question, usually after he sighs heavily upon finding her in the “Horror” section of the used bookstore with her arms filled with vampire novels.) The second reaction is one that should cause concern. As the Lady of the Manners pointed out just above, changing your partner to better suit you is not a particularly kind thing to do; however, waiting for your partner to grow out of a “phase” (be it redneck, Goth, or any other subculture) goes a bit beyond unkind and hurtles straight down the path of resentment and heartbreak.

The Lady of the Manners is well-aware that the ”communication is important!” message is something that is covered in every advice column that ever existed, but does feel it needs to be repeated in this context, too. If you don’t feel you can ask the object of your affection these sorts of questions, what are you doing handing your heart over to them?

And with that, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is going to window-shop for expensive and decadent chocolates, and continue reading letters from all of you. As always, feel free to send the Lady of the Manners mail using the handy-dandy “Correspondance” link, or to go browse and shop for Gothic Charm School merchandise via the “Mercantile” link. Next month may bring a lesson of fashion advice, or something completely different. Who knows what letter may catch the Lady of the Manners’ fancy?

Posted in General, Love & Romance | Leave a comment

On Goths Dealing with a Winter Wonderland

Posted on January, 2007 by Lady of the Manners

There are times, Snarklings, that the Lady of the Manners suspects that the universe runs on serendipity overdrive. Okay, maybe not all of it, but some parts of it. Why? Because the Lady of the Manners had recently been pondering, during her cold and dark commute home from work every evening, what the next lesson should be about. Because while the Lady of the Manners does indeed read all of the messages that people send her, Lady of the Manners was having a difficult time deciding which particular message struck her fancy. But then a charming young lady by the name of Elsa wrote to the Lady of the Manners with … a question about clothing! Now, as the Constant Reader may have noticed, the Lady of the Manners is very fond of burbling about clothing. In fact, the Lady of the Manners considers customizing and playing with her wardrobe to be her number one hobby. So when a letter arrives asking for clothing advice, how could the Lady of the Manners let it go unanswered?


Headmistress,
I wanted to inquire about what the proper attire would be for heading into
the winter months. I wear anything from long black skirts to black pants
tucked into my steel-toed boots, but I always feel like a New-Yorker,
dressed in my blacks only to trudge off to a day at the office. Is there
any way to still uphold that air of Gothyness while staying stylish and warm
at the same time?

Sincerely,
Elsa

The Lady of the Manners has for a long time held the belief that autumn and winter are the best months, clothing-wise, for Goths; even the Lady of the Manners has to admit that adorning oneself with layers of lace and velvet, tights, and tall boots is just not practical during the spring and summer. But the darker, cooler months are exceedingly kind to Goths; even the mainstream fashion industry presents us with velvet goodies during that time of year.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t winter-specific problems that face the black-velvet-clad masses. Some of the footwear favored by Goths can’t exactly be described as practical; the Lady of the Manners will never forget the first time she discovered that her beloved pointy-toe, multi-buckle boots had no traction whatsoever by starting to slide down a hill the Lady of the Manners thought she was merely strolling down. Then there are pesky facts like almost all velvet doesn’t deal well with rain and snow; long skirts can become quite hazardous when wrapped around your legs by the wind; and an all-black wardrobe means risking your life when walking after the sun sets.

So, what is the fashionable Goth to do? Give up attractive footwear and scurry around in hiking boots and Gore-tex? Of course not! Perish the thought.

Thing the First: find a good winter coat. Notice that the Lady of the Manners said coat, not cloak. While the Lady of the Manners is as fond of sumptuous velvet cloaks as the next Goth, cloaks are not really practical for most winter weather. They blow open in the wind (in a lovely and dramatic manner, true); they can get caught in car, train, or bus doors; and carrying any sort of bag other than a tiny handbag while wearing a cloak looks ”¦ silly. (The Lady of the Manners trusts that she does not need to point out the ridiculousness of wearing a backpack AND a cloak at the same time.)

Look for a coat that can be closed securely (be it by buttons, zippers, or buckles), is warm (be sure to take your usual local weather into account!), and that will survive rainstorms without damaging the fabric. An attractive coat can indeed be found for just about every budget: always remember to check thrift stores, consignment shops, and discount stores. If you’re very clever and organized, you could remember to look for a good winter coat at yard sales during the summer. It’s amazing what sort of bargains can be found on winter clothing during summer sales ”¦

Thing the Second: Winter is the time of year for boots, and not those ones with the 4” spike heels, either. This is where those of you who are of the more industrial persuasion have it easier than the NeoVictorian and Romantic Goths; stompy boots are probably a skosh more practical than velvet granny boots. However, the Lady of the Manners hasn’t given up all of her Victorian-style boots for ones with giant foam soles; instead the Lady of the Manners took her boots to the local shoe repair place and had thin rubber traction soles applied to them. The cost of having that done is far less expensive than buying new boots, and now the Lady of the Manners scoffs at steep and possibly icy hills.

Thing the Third: Layers. Layers, layers, layers. There are all sorts of thin thermal clothing items that come in black, some even with lace trim. There are even thin silk gloves that not only look elegant, but can be used as glove liners when the weather becomes truely icy. You can add and remove layers as weather and circumstances dictate. Also, one does not need to expose vast expanses of skin to dress in a Gothic manner, even when going to a nightclub. It’s difficult to look mysterious and alluring if one’s teeth are chattering from the cold.

Thing the Fourth: If you’re a pedestrian who is out and about after night falls, you should carry a small flashlight or blinky light with you so that you can make your presence known on the roads. An almost entirely black wardrobe is indeed one of the signs of being a Goth, but it isn’t worth getting hit by a car for. The Lady of the Manners isn’t suggesting that everyone should sew light-reflective patches onto their clothing (the Lady of the Manners will leave that to the CyberGoths), but the Lady of the Manners thinks that making sure that one is visible while walking after dark is Very Important.

Thing the Fifth: Keep in mind that some fabrics are not suitable for winter weather. The Lady of the Manners realizes that it’s probably a bit harsh to think that anyone who exposes silk velvet to rain probably shouldn’t be allowed to own anything from that fabric ever again, but the Lady of the Manners still can’t shake that (cranky) conviction. But there are times when someone gets caught out by unexpected changes in the weather, and once velvet becomes water-spotted, there are very few ways to fix it. One, of course, involves a needle board, steam, and trying to fluff the velvet back into a non-crumpled state. The Lady of the Manners, living in a somewhat damp climate, has instead resorted to turning the garment with a few water spots into a lovely crushed velvet item of clothing, which can be done by spending an afternoon scrunching up the item in question, spraying it with water, and then deliberately creating masses of wrinkles with a steam iron.

Thing the Sixth: Winter weather can do unpleasant things to your skin and carefully-applied cosmetics. Make sure to do things like gently wash your face and apply moisturizer (and lotion, lip balm, and whatever skin care products you feel you can’t live without). If you wear makeup, be sure to carry a mirror and whatever few items you would need to repair things if your makeup runs due to rain or snow, or start wearing waterproof or long-wearing formulas of things like eyeliner and mascara.

There you go, Snarklings. Follow all of those tips, and you should get through the winter months just fine, and hopefully with a minimum of damage to your velvets. The Lady of the Manners is now going to go brew a pot of tea and read through more delightful letters from readers. (This is where the Lady of the Manners would usually off-handedly mention the “Correspondence” link on the front page here at Gothic Charm School, but the Lady of the Manners will assume that you clever Snarklings have noticed that pattern, and know how to go about sending mail to the Lady of the Manners if you feel the need to.)

Posted in Being Fashionable, General, Stuff & Oddments | Leave a comment

On Dealing With Relatives. And Security Guards.

Posted on November, 2006 by Lady of the Manners

Hmmm. The Lady of the Manners said she was probably going to talk about Dealing With Parents for the November lesson, didn’t she? Well, Snarklings, is Dealing With Parents and Relatives During the Holidays close enough? The Lady of the Manners will even include a bonus lesson of how to politely deal with being harassed by security guards at shopping establishments, which is probably a very timely topic, what with the holiday shopping season looming near and all.

So. The holidays (as the media is so fond of reminding us) are a time for family. Which the Lady of the Manners agrees with, actually, but the Lady of the Manners realizes that not everyone is lucky enough to have family who accept them for who they are. The Lady of the Manners is also aware that it’s a bit difficult to be full of holiday cheer when arguments about “You aren’t going to your grandparents dressed like that!” are ringing through the air instead of, say, sleigh bells.

First things first: there is no such thing as a picture-perfect holiday celebration, and the Lady of the Manners is sure that you know that. But! No matter how aware of that you (and probably your family) are, that doesn’t change the fact that deep in everyone’s heart of hearts, they think that if they just do the right thing, say the right words, then they WILL have that greeting card”“perfect holiday. And there’s nothing wrong with striving for that; just keep in mind that you may need to be a little more patient and accommodating than usual.

What does accommodating mean here, exactly? It means keeping a pleasant facial expression when you are asked (for the umpteenth time) “So, what’s with all the black? You could be so pretty or handsome if you only dressed like a normal person!” Accommodating means replying to that question (and others like it) with a pleasant tone of voice, even if your answer is simply “Because I like to”. Accommodating means making sure you have some easy, relative-friendly answers to “So, what is this Goth thing?” (And in case you were wondering, talking about Tim Burton movies, the Addams Family, and literary classics will probably get a better reaction than talking about wearing black on the outside because you’re SO morbid and depressed on the inside. Just a hint.)

Some of your relatives genuinely will be curious about why you decided to join the Goth subculture (and if they are, thank your lucky stars and spend most of your time talking to them), but others might, sadly, look upon you as a scary, possibly dangerous creature, and will treat you with suspicion. The important thing to remember is to NOT treat them the same way, no matter how tempting it seems. If you are suspicious and unkind in response to them, they almost certainly won’t realize that you’re mirroring their behavior. No, they’ll probably just take it as proof that all Goths are unpleasant, antisocial creatures, and will be even more unpleasant to you. If you can manage being polite and civil to your more annoying relatives, not only will you look good to the rest of your family, but you can console yourself with the knowledge that you’re being a better person than certain other people and helping improve the perception of Goths everywhere. Who knows? Maybe one of your relatives will talk to one of their friends or co-workers about their charming, albeit spooky, relative, and how they now know that Goths aren’t dangerous freaks. (Yes, this is yet another refrain of the Lady of the Manners’ usual comments, but every little bit of polite behavior helps, Snarklings, it really does.)

As to the familiar “You’re not going there dressed like that!” argument … the Lady of the Manners is going to say something that may shock you. In the interests of family harmony, you might want to consider dressing a bit more formally. If you usually favor trousers with an assortment of straps and buckles, ripped fishnets, t-shirts, or smeary eyeliner, why not try an outfit that’s a bit more polished? Something from the more historical or romantic side of the subculture closet, perhaps?

The Lady of the Manners is sure that some of you are glaring at her right this very instant. “What about being true to myself?!”, she can hear you muttering. Yes, Snarklings, being true to yourself is very important. But if you’re truly secure in who you are, then dressing in an darkly elegant, spooky, and event-appropriate manner is a fine way of showing your confidence. Being one of the best-dressed people at a gathering is fun, not to mention most parents and relatives think it’s sweet to see someone “properly dressed up”.

The holiday season also brings needing to find gifts for people, which usually means shopping. And thinking of shopping brings the Lady of the Manners to a letter she was sent recently:

I really enjoy reading your insight on manners in the Darkwave Scene. I am writing because I would like to know your advice on an issue that I’m sure many of us are familiar with. I shop regularly at a convenience/mega store that sells many different departments of goods. I am there regularly and I am very friendly with the staff that works there. Though my issue is…How do I go about kindly asking an employee to stop following me and keeping an eye on me, sure my appearance may be a bit different, and I don’t exactly mesh in with other customers. I am an honest hard working individual who would never think about stealing goods. Your advice is eagerly awaited.

Ah yes, there’s nothing quite like being followed around stores by the employees to make one feel like a valued customer. Unless, of course, one becomes tired of playing “Spot the plainclothes security guard” when one is trying to merely run a few errands. Yes, the Lady of the Manners has experienced this particular annoyance too. And while the Lady of the Manners just finishes her shopping and heads home to rant about it (in a restrained and ladylike fashion, of course) to the Lady of the Manners’ dear husband, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t thought about what steps to take the next time this happens.

Thing the First: make it obvious that you are there to shop. The Lady of the Manners asked the advice of some acquaintances who work in the profession of Loss Prevention, and their helpful comments were to make it clear you are a shopper, not a potential thief. That translates to using one of the shopping baskets or bags provided by the store instead of carrying items in your hands, and walking with a purpose instead of skulking around. (“Walking with a purpose? What on earth do you mean by that?” asked the Lady of the Manners. “Oh, you know. Look like you know what you’re in the store for, don’t repeatedly go wandering to the back corners or out-of-the-way parts of the store. That sort of thing”, was the reply the Lady of the Manners received. Which, the Lady of the Manners must admit, is very like how the Lady of the Manners wanders around when the Lady of the Manners is browsing through a store.)

Thing the Second: if you notice an employee paying a marked amount of attention to you, make it obvious that you notice them. Catch their eye and smile at them. If you notice that you are being followed around by what is probably a plainclothes security person, catch their eye and smile at them, or say hello. If they keep following you, stop, look at them, and comment that you seem to keep running into them, and do they need help with something? (The Lady of the Manners realizes that this means some of you will have to overcome your natural shyness and/or aversion to talking to people you don’t know, but feels that it will be worth it.) Don’t look like you are trying to hide or to avoid attention. You have every right to be in the store, so act like it.

Thing the Third: If you have time, after you have purchased your items, go to the store’s customer service desk and (politely and calmly, of course!) ask to speak to the manager. If the manager is available, explain to them that you have noticed that you seem to garner an undue amount of attention when you shop at that store, and that you do not appreciate being singled out as a potential shoplifter. Point out to them that shoplifters usually try to avoid being noticed, to blend in, and that those descriptions probably do not apply to you. Do not raise your voice, do not start blustering or lose your temper, but make it clear that you will not stand for such treatment, and that if it continues, you will take your business elsewhere and tell everyone you know to do the same. Keep (again, politely!) stressing these points until the manager offers an apology, and (hopefully) to speak to the employees or security guards.

Thing the Third, supplemental: If the manager is not available, ask for the mailing address of the store manager and the corporate head office. When you get home, write up a short, polite letter that covers what the Lady of the Manners suggested you say to the store manager. Make two versions of the letter; in the one intended for the store manager, be sure to mention that you are sending a copy of the letter to the corporate head office. In the version intended for the corporate office, ask them what steps they are going to take to ensure that such harassment does not happen to you or other Goths in the future. And then, be sure to mail the letters off. Don’t just let them sit on your desk collecting dust; you have to send them off for them to do any good.

Now, the Lady of the Manners is well-aware that there are more dilemmas that the holiday season brings than just the ones she mentioned in this month’s lesson at Gothic Charm School. But no matter how much you may plead, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners is not going to help you shop for your relatives. (Except for suggesting that you could be terribly clever and give everyone Gothic Charm School merchandise, of course! Did the Lady of the Manners mention that there finally are black Gothic Charm School t-shirts available? Well, there are.) The Lady of the Manners isn’t even going to badger you about Gothic holiday décor (though the Lady of the Manners thinks that bats are always a festive touch). At least, not right now; but who knows what next month will bring? Of course, one of you might send the Lady of the Manners a particularly interesting letter …

Posted in General, Holidays & Special Occasions | Leave a comment

Parental Expectations, Family Photos, and More About When Black is This Year’s Black

Posted on October, 2006 by Lady of the Manners

Goodness, Snarklings, do you realize what October means? Besides Halloween and proper weather for velvet, that is? It means that Gothic Charm School is one year old! (In this incarnation, of course. Being the clever Snarklings that you are, you are well-aware that Gothic Charm School previously existed under another name, and has been around since 1998 or so …)

This month, not only is the Lady of the Manners going to try and help a young lady who has a question about parental expectations and family portraits, but the Lady of the Manners is also going to take another look at last October’s topic, because the Lady of the Manners has a few more things to say about the mainstream fashion industry deeming all things “darkly romantic” to be In while simultaneously sneering at the Gothic subculture. In other words, the Lady of the Manners is probably going to rant. You Have Been Warned, Snarklings.

But! Before the ranting and the rolling of the eyes, there is trying to help a charming young lady named Dianne:

Hullo there. I’ve been reading through your site and I must say that everything on here is relevant and quite tasteful and helpful advice. I do have one miniscule question, though.

I myself have been dressing and acting ” a little different” since fifth or sixth grade, and now as a sophomore in high school, I am proud to say that I have refined my look to a pleasant mix of Victorian mourning garb intermingled with a few bits of classic, doll-like velvet dresses or some sort of dark take on the fifties pin-up girl look.

I am a decent person at heart. Not only do I make decent grades and stay in honors classes, I treat the family with respect, I don’t use my wrists as cutting boards, I keep “out of trouble”, and I don’t sit about begging her to let me use my face as a pincushion. I am also a Christian and go to church regularly. (My church too, has grown used to me and my what-ever-I-am-ness, rarely do I get any funny looks or anything of the sort)

However. (I say that alot, my apologies)

My father has not, apparently, gotten used to me.

I really feel bad for him at times… He works away from home most of the time and I don’t see him often. He is a wonderful person, albeit not the most cultured or fashionable, and I often feel as though I must make him feel like a failiure as a parent. He certainly has told me that he feels like one at times, both for the things that have happened with my mother and for the fact he is unable to see me much. I sometime think that when he looks at me, he doesn’t see the joyful, upbeat, perky person I am, he sees a depressed young lady dressed all in black, penning angsty poetry in her spare time and complaining about how awful her parents are. I feel as though he thinks of me as his angsty teen daughter who spends her time locked away in her room and crying, when in reality I am a terribly happy person.

It has gotten so bad that he is ashamed of me in public. Normally it is the teen trying to distance themselves from the parent… Often my father acts as though I am not his child so that people will not stare at him. He has encouraged me to walk ahead of him or to go off in my own direction many a time. He is proud of me in that I get good grades and stay out of trouble, and he assures me constantly that I “Have a good head on my shoulders”

However, I know he must be affected by me. It does not help that the picture of me he has in his wallet is one from way back in seventh grade, back when I was just a silly little squeaklet of a babybat, in which I am frowning and wearing my hair in this awful waterfall drop in front of my face and I am smudged in way too much eyeliner. Thank God I no longer dress like that. I know it must upset him to have to flip through his wallet, like, “Yes, this is my young hellion-I mean daughter.”

He wants me to have professional photos taken at glamourshots, and I can simply FEEL an argument brewing over how my hair shall be done, what clothes I shall be wearing, etc. It wouldn’t bother me so much to have my pictures taken in “Normal” clothes if I didn’t look so odd in them. My plumcolored hair and very thin eyebrows wouldn’t exactly look becoming with “Normal” clothing.

And to be very straightforward and honest with you, I hate to argue with my parents. It’s so unhelpful and it just causes ugly feelings and things, and my family loves to store things I say to use later in another argument.

Can you think of any good way I should broach the subject of my photos with my father? And can you help me prove to my father that I am not what he feels I am?

Oh dear. Well, in regard to the photos, you might try gently asking your father if he really wants to have photos of you that don’t represent who you really are, photos that are some sort of fiction. However, be prepared, because asking that question will almost certainly lead into a discussion of why your father doesn’t approve of the way you look. Having that discussion is important, and shouldn’t be avoided, but you need to be prepared for it.

The Lady of the Manners feels that you explained things quite eloquently in your letter to her; have you tried saying those things to your father? You say that you don’t see him often due to his job; perhaps he’s not aware of who you really are and what you’re really like. Instead of getting to know you, he’s let his perceptions be clouded by the usual nonsense the mainstream media says about Goths.

You might want to try writing a letter to your father; start off with some of the things you put in your letter to the Lady of the Manners, but expand upon that information. Write about why you feel comfortable and at home in the Gothic subculture, write about how Goth doesn’t equal depressed or a troublemaker, and most definitely write about your joy for life, and how expressing yourself makes you even happier.

Why is the Lady of the Manners suggesting you write a letter, instead of talking face-to-face with your father? Partially because if he’s away so often, it might be difficult to find time to have a conversation about these things. However, the main reason the Lady of the Manners thinks a letter is a good way to start is because discussions of this sort are difficult, and even more so with parents. It’s all too easy to become flustered, upset, and lose track of what you’re saying. Plus, no matter what you intend to talk about, family discussions frequently change into discussions (or arguments) about old issues; writing a letter lets you state your points calmly and eloquently without being distracted from what’s important to you, and can be a jumping-off point for a calm and useful discussion later.

If you decide to follow the Lady of the Manners’ advice, please write back and let the Lady of the Manners know how things went!

(Actually, that goes for all of you, Snarklings. You may not have realized it, but the Lady of the Manners does like to hear back from you about how things are going, and if you tried to follow her advice. So please, do write back!)

Now, some of you may remember that last October, the Lady of the Manners wrote about the mainstream fashion industry’s recurring fondness for borrowing from the Gothic subculture. And of course, this autumn is no exception to that; not only are there velvet jackets and flowing skirts and lace blouses everywhere, but a few of the high-end cosmetic companies have brought out black nail polish. Which, according to all the fashion magazines, has become the hot new trend. But according to the fashion media, this black nail polish is ”¦ not Goth. No, it’s elegant, it’s luxurious, it’s “edgy”, but not in any way associated with Goth.

Stop and think about that for a moment, Snarklings. The Lady of the Manners will wait for your eyes to stop rolling about your head.

From where the Lady of the Manners stands (in her pointy-toe granny boots), part of the issue here is the eternal problem Goths face: very few people outside of the subculture seem to realize that the Gothic movement has been around in its current form for almost 30 years, and can trace its roots back to the 1700s. Instead, most non-Goths think that being a Goth means you’re a depressed teen who (probably) believes you’re a vampire or writes bad poetry. Or, heaven forbid, both. To non-Goths, being a Goth is just a phase, and something that one grows out of.

So how does this tie back to black nail polish from high-end cosmetic companies? It’s simple, really. While the Lady of the Manners is all in favor of taking advantage of the fashion industry’s seasonal dabblings in darkness, the Lady of the Manners is also all in favor of being an informed consumer. Do some research, read reviews, and take a close look at items before purchasing them. Just because something is from a Name Brand doesn’t automatically make it any better than the old standbys; in fact, sometimes it means the quality is worse, because those Name Brands are trying to cash in on what they think is a short-lived trend.

(Which causes the Lady of the Manners to veer off on a brief tangent, Snarklings: the Lady of the Manners is both bemused and horrified by the proliferation of “Goth” ”“branded Halloween costumes and accessories. On the one hand, the Lady of the Manners has seen costumes that look suspiciously similar to outfits the Lady of the Manners sees on other Goths all the time; the only real difference is that the costumes are made from materials of dubious quality. On the other hand, not only is the Lady of the Manners just a smidge tired of people asking where she bought her costume, but the Lady of the Manners also feels that “Goth” Halloween costumes will just add to the perception problem that the subculture already labors under. None of the costumes really exemplify the dark romance, elegance, and whimsy that are vital aspects of the Goth subculture, but instead focus more on the “possibly-dangerous freaks who think they’re vampires, devil-worshippers, or sexual deviants” issues.)

Ahem. Anyway, if someone (as in, a non-Goth) asks you where you got your (black nail polish, velvet jacket, shoes, boots, vintage handbag), be polite. (You knew the Lady of the Manners was going to say that, don’t try to pretend you didn’t.) But do feel free to make it clear that this is your chosen style and that you’ve been dressing this way for a while now, and keep in mind that polite doesn’t have to mean overly friendly. Responding politely to someone while making it clear that you are oh-so-amused by the questioner’s trend-jumping ways is a skill always worth polishing.

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to wander off to the local thrift store and see what treasures of vintage clothing are hiding forlornly on the “Costume!” racks. Next month’s lesson at Gothic Charm School is quite probably going to be about Dealing With Parents, and why just sitting down and talking to them really is the best option. Unless, of course, the Lady of the Manners is sent a particularly interesting letter (just click the Correspondence link in the upper right corner of the main page!), or is distracted by more instances of the mainstream media getting it All Wrong. Doesn’t all of that sound exciting, Snarklings? Of course it does, so do be sure to come back next month.

Posted in Being Fashionable, General, Growing Pains | Leave a comment

A Question About People Being Petty, With a Slight Tangent About Emo

Posted on September, 2006 by Lady of the Manners

The Lady of the Manners would like to apologize, Snarklings, for yet another lengthy absence from posting. It’s not that the Lady of the Manners hasn’t been reading your correspondence and thinking fondly of you all; it’s just that, well, things. They happen. However, the Lady of the Manners isn’t going to waste any more space on trying to excuse the sad lack of new lessons, but is going to go directly to a heartfelt question from a reader, who has turned to the Lady of the Manners upon being bad-mouthed and being called a poseur because of preferring The Cure and Bauhaus to Marilyn Manson:

Dear Lady of the Manners,
My name is Kate and I have a problem that is most annoying and slightly upsetting at times. You see, I have recently joined the local Goth scene, if that is what you could call it. There are many of my friends in the scene too. However, there is one girl (we shall call her Jane) in my year at my school who also hangs around in that scene. She likes to think she is very popular an every male and female is attracted to her. This would not usually bother me apart from that I fell out with her a couple of months ago and ever since she has been bad mouthing me to others, including my close friends and my boyfriend.

It was not even really an argument. I happened to say how I do not like Marilyn Manson and do not think he is Goth at all and I much prefer The Cure, Bauhaus etc. Jane just happens to be listening and then starts on about how The Cure is emo music.

(The Cure is ”¦ emo music? Oh dear. The Lady of the Manners feels the need for a strengthening cup of tea or something after that statement. But do go on with your question, dear.)

I am willing to let this drop as I realise I might of offended her but the next day I hear that she has been saying to my close friend that I can’t be a Goth if I don’t like Marilyn Manson. Over the last few months, she has been constantly telling others how I am a poseur, am ugly and not a nice person. She says I only want attention when really I am a quite and shy person.

This annoys me as she never says it to my face and I fear that people will not like me if she tells them this before they get to know me. I know Jane has been talking about me because only today a girl I am on quite good terms with told me she has. Jane also says rude comment to my face such as I have no friends without me even talking or acknowledging her. This is in front of all my close friends.

I am starting to yet annoyed and slightly angry at this behaviour, which I consider immature. I have tried to rise above it and I do not talk to her but I do not like to hear that she has been talking about me. Just because I do not like Marilyn Manson gives her no right to hate me, does it? She also sees herself as the most gothic person ever and introduces herself as “gothic Jane” on the phone.

How do I stop this behaviour towards me? I would like to be on ok terms with her to stop her talking about me. Any ideas?

Any ideas? Yes, actually, the first one being that you should resign yourself to never being on “okay terms with her”. Jane (for the Lady of the Manners just refuses to call the young woman “gothic” Jane; the Lady of the Manners finds that rolling her eyes that hard gives the Lady of the Manners a headache) sounds like one of those sad people who don’t feel their lives are complete unless they have someone to be snippy about, someone to wage a needless vendetta against. Whether it’s because they want to feel important and the center of attention, or whether it’s because they think by bad-mouthing one person, they’ll somehow magically appear to be a better person themselves, the Lady of the Manners isn’t sure. But from your description, Jane does seem to be one of that tribe.

Which means that there really isn’t anything you can do to change her behavior toward you. But! This doesn’t mean that you should stoop to Jane’s level and start saying unkind things about her. No, instead you should be, if you can manage it, distantly polite and kind to her. Distant not as in avoiding her or staying across the room from her, but distant as in you aren’t making any special effort to be polite and vaguely friendly to her, but that’s how you would treat anyone. Yes, this means you’ll need to become very good at controlling your reactions when she walks up to you and says things like “you have no friends”. Instead, if you can respond to her at those times by saying something like “I’m sure it seems that way to you” (accompanied by a faint smile, if you can manage it), you will achieve two things. Firstly, you will be showing by your actions that you aren’t troubled by petty people saying petty things to or about you. Secondly, it will (probably) have the wonderful effect of annoying Jane to no end. People like Jane love to get reactions from people. They love to make people upset. And usually, they don’t quite know what to do when the person they want to make upset doesn’t respond. Think of the hours of fun you could have by thwarting her!

As to her bad-mouthing you to your friends and boyfriend; try not to worry. They almost certainly won’t take her seriously, and won’t fall for her attempts to turn them against you. Actions really do speak louder than words, and it sounds like Jane’s actions and words are saying “Hello, I’m a vindictive, spiteful, needy twerp, and I’m trying to make myself seem much, MUCH more important and cool than I really am. Pay attention to me! Why aren’t you paying attention to meeeee?!”

If, for some reason, your boyfriend or your friends are swayed by whatever poison Jane has been saying ”¦ well, then they weren’t very good friends to begin with, and you’ll eventually be better off without them. No, the Lady of the Manners knows that’s not the most comforting thing to be told, but it’s true. People who can have their opinions about you changed that easily aren’t true friends.

Now, the amusing bit of nonsense about how you can’t be a Goth if you don’t like Marilyn Manson, and that The Cure is emo music; Jane is very, very misguided. And, by the way, wrong on both counts. As the Lady of the Manners has said before, while Marilyn Manson himself might be very Goth, his music should probably be classified as Metal.

Before anyone starts getting upset and writing earnest letters asking if they can still call themselves a Goth if they like [fill in band name here], the Lady of the Manners would like to state that she thinks that a person’s Gothness (oh goodness, what a humorous notion!) is not solely dictated by what music they listen to. In the Lady of the Manners’ world, being a Goth involves a larger asthetic: the books you read, the things you’re interested in, the way you choose to decorate whatever space is yours, the way you dress, and your outlook and perspective on the world in general. While there are degrees of Gothyness, there is no standardized checklist for what makes a person Goth or not; no “If you score under X amount, you’re not a Real Goth” nonsense. Especially when it comes to musical tastes.

A confession: the Lady of the Manners is quite fond of a lot of music that isn’t considered Goth. Yes, including Marilyn Manson. Some of the Lady of the Manners’ gothy friends are devoted to prog-rock, folk, country, or boyband pop music. Does this make them (or the Lady of the Manners) less Goth? No, it just means that they have wide-ranging and eclectic tastes.

As for Jane’s assertion that The Cure is emo music ”¦ look, the Lady of the Manners is going to be frank with you. After doing a lot of research, the Lady of the Manners is still very unclear as to what “emo” really is. Some sources say it’s a subgenre of hardcore punk, while other sources say that it’s a catch-all term to be applied to anything that melodramatic and strongly-emotional teens like. (The latter information made the Lady of the Manners raise an eyebrow and mutter, “What, just like the term “Goth”?”) All the Lady of the Manners really knows about emo is that some of the self-labeled emo kids are terribly cute, and that they probably don’t deserve the abuse and insults that get heaped on them any more than the equally-harmless Goth kids do. However, nothing in the Lady of the Manners’ research led her to think that The Cure could be considered emo. One of the bands that helped found the Gothic subculture, yes. Emo, no. In fact, when the Lady of the Manners mentioned this “The Cure are emo” notion to one of her DJ friends, the Lady of the Manners was worried that they’d injure themselves from laughing so hard.

With that, the Lady of the Manners is going to wander off to re-read more of her correspondence, and possibly even try to get a head start on the next Gothic Charm School lesson in the hope of avoiding another lengthy pause between posts. The Lady of the Manners isn’t going to promise any sort of update schedule, but she is going to try to be around more often. Until the next time, Snarklings, behave yourselves, and try not to get into any more trouble than usual.

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